"i sit and wonder of all the loves that couldve been"

this kid kept harrassing martin and i. so what did i do? i threw a bucket of water in her face. japan is amazing!

yo! just b/c im fat doesnt mean that my favourite hobby is eating! i dont eat nearly enough as i should! why is it always a fucking issue?!

today it rained. its so nice and green outside. and the cicadas are buzzing so loudly my head feels like it is going to implode. i had a dream last night that my grandfather was put on placebo heart medication, without his consent, and then his blood clotted and he had another heart attack. yikes. im WAY behind on my blog reading and i dont have the energy to keep up. im going to kyoto in 12 days! oh yes! this weekend i slept a lot! it was so nice. to come home from walking around miyauchi in the heat and throwing BUCKETS of water on people (they call it tradition!) and then i slept for two hours. like a rock! (sung like the chevy commercial...) im feeling really energetic and strung out, but all i want to do is sleep. im resigning myself to the fact that i aint gonna get no booty before i leave. which is kind of upsetting, really. but, keep my chin high, forget about the booty, and maybe booty will arrive. all over the map i am. this morning i was interviewed for the yamagata evening paper. and they took pictures of me which werent bad, but come on! let me control my public image! last night this kid threw up at the ramen shop. im happy i missed the action, but got to see the clean up action afterwards. tonight we're having a sushi party at marie-sensei's sakeya. very exciting. get my maki-groove on. on sunday i went into yamagata and perused shimamura with bec! be proud of me! i put down cool shirts and the coolest fucking silver bag i have ever seen (and it was only 1500yen!!!) that is what i call restraint! (but, i did end up buying a beautiful pair of bright blue puma flip flops. but, hey! i needed flip flops!!) im in love with death cab for cutie right now. and im stoked that my blog is becomming a message board for ppl to stay in touch. haha. and kids, my daddio is picking me up from the airport! so, well, lets do lunch at the whip or cafe deux soleils that afternoooooooon! what do you say? love love. xoxo.

"i almost dialed your number when i thought the coast was clear and it looked up for so long at me, and said call me please..."

saturday morning. i thought about going for a drive last night, but it is awfully depressing going to makeout point (the sky park) by yourself. im a weak person. anyway, i ended up heading straight to my futon and falling asleep with my clothes on. scarf and all. mid-july. scarf? wha? (im not sure myself. something about comfort levels and barriers). but, i found a sample of burberry brit i had from a vogue magazine from last october (burning money in the airport) and rubbed it on my chest and neck after my shower (of course it would get me to get someone to makeout point...but all i ended up doing was smelling myself all night, falling in love with myself, and falling asleep to the wonderful smell....)and you know what? my track jacket still smells like burberry brit! i love it! anyway, when i woke up this morning the sun was shining and the sky is blue outside and its fucking hot out! im off to teach classes, eat lunch, and then draw to my heart's content tonight. i have to save money for my trip to kyoto (i have NO money. i am accepting donations. please?!) and then tomorrow we're going to the miyauchi matsuri at the nani-nani shrine. kumonataisha? something like that. tanoshisone! xoxo.

"waiting for a red light, sitting on a time bomb, nothing seems to go right, still remaining calm"

rhu shanghai last night. tomomihartochan works there. she is fabulous. and covered in piercings. all of which she inflicted herself. sweet (even the tongue and the lip!)

daisuke. martin. i. on the way to rhu shanghai we ran into the dalai lama! martin and i look so tough.

okay, so i know that im the most horrible person ever. i had a mail box FULL of emails, and rather than reply to any of them, im just going to post. im sitting in space create listening to melodia. its really really nice. look at this picture. the smiling girl in the middle is mayu. my student. martin took the picture at the youchen this morning. anyway, for those emails i wanted to reply to, my quick response is that: "i know i havent emailed you in a while too! i miss you alot. and im happy that you're reserving time to yourself. the practical stuff sucks. hugs and love and we'll talk soon" (to the many recipients.....)

big news!!!!! my plane ticket home has been booked!!!
i leave tokyo on OCTOBER 26, 2005 at 6:20pm. and i arrive at YVR at 10:55am on the 26th!!!! yay!!!! who's meeting me at the airport!? can we immediately go somewhere for a smoothie the moment we get out of the parking lot? and then straight to a bed. a big bed. it better have kalin on one side. caitee on the other. bec and jeff at my feet. and amanda and carly on the pull for those that need to get out of the snuggle fest for a few minutes. oh my god you guys!!! i cant wait!!!!

okay, im off to have a shower, and play some pop melody. uh huh.
xoxo ディ電車

"your body goes to waste every minute you dont give it to me"

third wedding party. karaoke. left to right. jason, randy, dave, kenho, melissa. (p.s. congradulations brian and rika!)

mr. blinker! turn your blinker off!

the ferris wheel carpark. fun!

weekend recap (i took more picutres with the film-oriented camera and have barely any digital representation. gomennasaine!)

sunday. was all ready, prettied up, and set to jump in the car for a night out in sendai! yuka called and said she really wanted to stay in yonezawa one more night, to hang out with gabi (who is INCREDIBLE), and thus, i drove to yonezawa, parked my car at the shrine, drank, did karaoke for three hours, and waited on the pavement w/ yuka for the post-vomity yusuke and martin to pick us up. at 3:45am! then we drove back to akayu, sun rising, cramped in the trunk of the car, where we finally slept at 5am!

monday. woke up to a no-go sendai call, and making pancakes and scrambled eggs. at one point martin said to me, "just think, we could be eating foam right now". and, so we changed tack and decided to drive to fukushima. problem, the only starbucks in fukushima is in koriyama, which is fucking far away. so at four in the afternoon we drove to sendai! what? two trips to starbucks, indian food, a slew of purikura, and the purchasing of both harry potter and the half blood prince, and coupland's eleanor rigby (already finished that one, its pretty good, nothing outstanding though), we hopped back in the car, leaving yuka-chan on the road side, and drove back to akayu. small town akayu. oh, how i miss the lights.

"uh oh, i think you better go-o"

its so hot outside! im sweating so much its disgusting, and defrosting the fridge (such an interesting conversation, no?) just happens lickity split. last night i had a sushi party (to much acclaim, i was shocked!) i worked until 4:30, came home and cooked rice (ゆかちゃんもライスおもってきました) and then bought the groceries (fish, tempura, etc) to fill up the maki. met joel, and then busted down to work. twenty rolls later (spicy tuna rolls, california rolls, dynamite rolls, yam tempura rolls, salmon rolls, tofu rolls) i never want to sushi again (at least until the end of the month) and am now on a strict semetai niku soba diet. attendees included: joel, yuka, noriaki sensei (aka. norimaki, おいしよ！), nishiyama sensei (aka. "nissy" pronounced NEESY), harumi-san, yusuke-kun, and g-mart.

i didnt get to sleep until really late, and i think right now im going to jump ship, out of this internet cafe, and head to mosburger to fill my belly a bit more. and then drive slowly north back home. today, driving here, i was thinking about how much im going to miss eiko. it sucks that im already cycling through how much im going to miss people around me. that im limiting myself from experiences b/c im leaving so soon. and that i talk about it all the time. so much is going to happen over the next fourteen weeks that ill totally have to get a hat pin, and some suspenders to keep my knickers on. i am stunned by all of the activity around me and im constantly asked to do more, and i always say yes. oh yes!

my new puma bag! ive wanted the official branding of a japanese highschool student so much that i just had to buy it! only 6000yen! yipppeeee!

"p.s. kissing booth time"

late on a friday night, when you cant sleep, and its already after midnight, and you've been listening to kelly osbourne's sleeping in the nothing for the last few days on repeat, and you think that by calling jeff it will give you enough energy to delete energy and try to sleep. but rather, you end up talking for a half an hour. listen to the cd two more times. glaze your eyes over nylon. again. and revel in the conversation you had. about going home with someone from al queda, starbucks super keeners, the wonders of SOY FOAM, how fucking trashy urban behaviour is, that kelly ellard has moved on to the big house, and that mix tapes sooo make me want to bump and grind.

other than that, i think someone got a hold of my credit card information and when i get home im going to call them and tell them to stop all transactions on my card. except for preauthorized ones. fuckity fuck fuck.

"its hard not to look in the mirror's eye"

the king of teppo machi is finished and installed in my flat until the sixth of august. until then, if you're in the area, feel free to drop by and take a peek. after that its going into the suitcase and not coming out until november.

ive had a request to talk more about being queer. no pressure. and ive got about ten minutes until i should run upstairs and teach my class. so, i will blab.

when i was in junior high my being a feminist coincided with two things. one, that i was a lesbian. bulldyke. butch as hell (i mean, i didnt own a skirt, and i KNEW lesbians, it must mean something). so, b/c being a lesbian was portrayed as BAD NEWS by even my friends, even though i loved the lesbians around me, i wasnt out as a lesbian in highschool. even though i had made out with women (mostly in the puberty driven experimental stage). i didnt so much think that being a lesbian was bad news, but i had issues with my cunt, and the way i liked it touched, and by whom, being attached to my politics. i didnt believe that i had to want to eat pussy just to be a feminist. that said, ive always been attracted to women, and still stuck to the gender dichotomy.

fast foward to the last five years. i was in an intense, committed, monogomous relationship. with a man. my highschool sweetheart. the first (and only) person ive had sex with. relationship problems aside, through university my love for SEX blossomed. and, the fabulous thing is that now im not using my cunt as a form of polical seperation from the "opposite gender" but am using my cunt (metaphorically right now) to make my own choices about how i want to use it. and basically, i just want to use it with other people right now.

so, the queer part. i identify as queer. i have not had any totally sexual experiences that would define me as queer, and i rarely fantasize about people that are women, transgendered, or also are trying to eschew the gender dichotomy (its really difficult to do, but a daily fight). while i still identify as a woman most of the time, i dont feel that i should limit my experience, my sex, and my cunt to a specific gender. people are beautiful. if im attracted to you, i dont want to have put up boundaries so that i cannot love you. fuck you. suck you. cook you lunch. no boundaries. im also having a difficult time identifing as queer b/c im worried that i will be sussed out as NOT queer, and be rejected by the queer community. which is a valid fear. but, i am terribly attracted to people of any gender, and want to have relationships with those that will love me back. i have no intentions of trying to pin a specific gender category on the next relationship i persue.

presently, i am trying to follow a crush on someone that does identify as a man. its not a political statement. its not an attempt for me to stick in familiar territory. its because everytime i see this person i dont want them to leave. i just want to spend time with him. i want to share things with this person. and no matter how hard i try to shake it (ie. "i need more time to make art". "im leaving so soon, why would i want a relationship that may or may not put my heart on the line??", etc...) i just cant.

okay, times up. in a few more days ill try to post more. or try the audio posting. gambarimasu! xoxo di.

yay! bring on the armwarmers!

dearest strut,
i want to be your friend! i want to go for bicycle rides with you, share secrets, drink gin and tonics and knit you armwarmers! we'd be best friends and you'd make all the other magazines jealous! the japanese countryside was so lonely without you. but when i received issue #6 (finally!) through my forwarded mail, i rejoiced and did and initial scan on the train. the salaryman in the seat across from me had an ink stain on his see-through white "dress" shirt. oh strut, i want him to be your friend too!

baby, you can change your outfit, attitude and song anytime you want and you dont even have to say anything about it! i really do love you look and mind. best friends forever.

xox
diandra.

"and ill sit and wonder, of every love that couldve been, if id only though of something charming to say"

today i slept until one. i awoke naked. i had a four a.m. shower. the drive home from yamagata city was beautiful. the sky was beginning to lighten. by the time i fell asleep the sun was up. i met a new friend who will teach me how to make tako yaki in exchange for my spicy tuna roll making skills. awoke to the mailman with a parcel from kalin (yay for tom's of maine unscented deoderant! yay for "sleeping in the nothing" by kelly osbourne! yay for st. ives apricot face scrub! yay! yay! yay!). my computer wouldnt load when i turned it on. hm. drove to yonezawa (its now almost five p.m.). i still havent eaten anything today. im not hungry. this is not good. yesterday i bought tabi socks. now im going to go to joy and buy tabi shoes. and do laundry. and clean my flat. and then go to the eikaiwa. have dinner (maybe i can convince the boys to go for ramen...) today i talked to my mom. i almost cried when i told her how much i would miss martin. no lie. i never ever thought i would find such a good friend here. dammit. my internet is defunctional for the week (or until further notice....) if you want to get ahold of me email me here: oliverdiandraAThDOTvodafoneDOTneDOTjp xoxo

"need you to soothe the searing sadness and nameless gnawing"

building in domachi. it is old japan.


new bag! only 525yen! i need matching pink shoe laces for my chucks and then im set!

weekend so far. went for sushi with martin, norimaki-kun (teacher at miyauchi elementary school) and nissy (say "neesy" or 西山さん). we ate so much sushi and drank so much beer and sake it was silly. so we walked back to nissy's house and drank more. played taiko drumming. and then car shared home (these people with white gloves come and drive you and your car home. the gloves were so cool!)

yesterday i worked all day and then met up with the "peeps" (we need a gang name!) and went to see starwars episode three. holy fuck! i actually liked it. i mean, it closed the circle. the acting was horrible. but, overall, not disappointing.

since the sushi feast i have only eaten a bowl of bibimba (korean rice stuff. yummy!) and some kimchi. and gelato. really one meal. and right now, im not hungry. which i find interesting. this evening im heading into yamagata city to meet with bec, ronan, scott, and three other ladies for pseudo hen night! and scott is cooking us all dinner! yummy! but i think im off alcohol until this forthcoming thursday night (yamakawaya party 山川椰) so, the oolongcha queen i now become.

xoxo di.

when i fuck up and do something stupid like dropping one of my favourite earrings down the drain or cant find the self confidence to ask someone i am insanely attracted to out, what do i blame? the fact that im fat. and that its my fault. and that no one will love me until i am obviously smaller than the large shape that follows me around. i never see myself as this shape that presents itself to you. i try to have a healthy image of myself. i try to say that its not me, "its society and its fucked up ideas about body image". obviously my losing tonnes of weight and looking so different and barely fitting any of my old clothes b/c they are too big doesnt mean anything. i still cant get that one person in my pants. on the floor. decorating my apartment with his clothes. letting me make him breakfast. letting me be the one who will fight for a loosely defined sexual relationship for a mere three months. fuck!

"all eyes are waiting to see you make your way to the starting gate and go"

the jimny. shirataka tunnel. route 348. shirataka bound.

im in one of those moods where everysong i listen to and every lyric i hear pertains to my life. so last monday night i made myself a tape for the car that is all songs based on the theme "because it crushes you". so emo. so pathetic. and the song list. gold. a snippet shall we?

side a.
1. grey ghost - mike doughty
2. open your heart - madge
3. title and registration - death cab for cutie
4. sinking hearts - the organ
5. the ex - billy talent
6. sweeter - julie doiron and the wooden stars
7. such great heights - postal service
8. the twist - metric
9. coffee stain - sarah harmer

side b.
1. one year a.d. - feist
2. i think we're alone now - tiffany
3. lover's spit - broken social scene
4. blizzard of 77 - nada surf
5. better - young and sexy
6. not with you - tegan and sara
7. stop joking around - hawksley workman
8. take it off - the donnas
9. the last track - the snoozer ep

for you kids in vancouver, ive kinda heard through the grapevine that my lovely ladies with melodia are possibly opening a show for the the winks at radha on main. this friday! go go go! more info here. i mean the banjo. the accordian and caitlin's voice! ikitai des yo! xoxo.

"i am nothing, if not with you"

at it again. so the rules for good blogging are that nobody likes to read these survey things (thanks cranberry for the inspiration). but the rules miss the most important thing. that us narcissists love them and read the ones we write about ourselves countless times.


1. Tell me something obvious about you.
more often than not i dont like myself.

2. Tell me something about you that many don't know.
even though i say that i have figured it out, often i am willing just to take all the paper, all the glue, all the zines, all my sketches, and all my interest in being an artist and burn it.

3. What is your biggest fear?
right now? never having the people i want to love me, love me.

4. Do you normally go the safe route or take the short cut?
usually the safe route (granny di, that's me!)

5. Name one thing you want that you can't buy with money?
that i cant buy with money? i know this is bad, b/c it was six years ago. but really, id give anything to eat hummus and be back in the row boat with laura right now.

6. What is your most treasured possession?
my skill for creation.

7. What is the one thing you hate most about yourself that you do often?
hate myself and wish i was 60 lbs lighter.

8. What is your favorite lie to tell?
that im not over it.

9. Name something you've done once that you can't wait to do again.
i had written "have sex" and then realized it said "something you've done once". just once? have sex in public.

10. Are you the jealous type?
yes.

11. What is the one person, place or thing you can't say no to?
jeff. kalin. caitlin. amanda. carly. rebecca. they will get "yesses" out of me forever now.

12. What's the nicest thing someone has ever done for you?
last week i got a letter from jeff that said he missed me and loved me and was proud of me. i held it together until he wrote, "love your platonic shadow, dont you ever forget it". and i cried.

13. If you could do something crazy right now, what would it be?
call the person im wasting my time crushing on and tell them it doesnt matter if they like me or not b/c i am hot shit.

14. When was the last time you cried?
last night i was listening to a cd randall made me. it had this "get up kids" song on it. it made me feel really lonely, lost, unloved, and fucked. so i cried.

15. When was the last time you felt so good that nothing else mattered?
yesterday. i realized that im finally not attracted to someone ive had a crush on for years!

16. Do you feel comfortable in public with no shirt on?
am i drinking?

17. Name something embarrassing you did while drunk.
acted too scared to play on the slide when wasted at nishi zao.

18. Name one person, past or present, with whom you'd like to spend the day.
right now, kalin.

19. Name one place you've never been and would like to go, and why. montreal. to hunt down the strut offices. go to the w hotel. and stalk hawksley workman.

20. What's the story behind your online persona/name?
ive answered this before, and its a boring answer. what is more exciting is that in about 10 minutes im going to make a grilled cheese sandwich. i havent eaten a grilled cheese sandwich in a LONG time. and you know what's more exciting than that? ive got fifteen and a half weeks until im in lotus land. where there are one dollar ikea breakfasts. all weekend snuggle fests. european soft core porn watching. and the best soy foam ive ever had. so soon. i cant wait. jeff, get your snuggle but on bitch!

"i miss you more than i knew"

did you really send me a love letter today?


oh martin, i dont remember this.


or this, melissa. but, look at matt go for my neck. damn i look fine in chocolate brown.

white trash 2005

katie. gareth. heath.


martin.


matt. surrey represents. (p.s. violence is NOT cool!)


slurrey ho.


melissa. dave. matt's ghost.


me. monique. we meet! finally!

highlights (a list):
1. massive bug bites.
2. drinking with highschool students.
3. drinking with highschool teachers.
4. seeing people make out, and then have them justify it. something about its our right to be free?! hillarious!
5. i have a sore patch on my head.
6. joel going to the hospital for getting firework in his eye. i was so not empathetic/sympathetic enough. i feel right horrible for that. but for those who took care of him, thank you thank you thank you!
7. smoking marlboro cigarettes like a pro.
8. two cigarette burns on my right hand.
9. kissing melissa.
10. being really loud about the person i liked and being disappointed b/c its not reciprocal. dammit! but it was good! lots of drunk people told me that i am loved!
11. going to eat a hotdog and not knowing if it was cooked or not, thus feeding it to everyone to make sure it was safe to eat.
12. meeting najthaniel. oh, i mean, jonathan. haha.
13. telling seema she wasnt allowed in marks and spencers. damn hoodie!
14. fake tattoos with mascara.
15. finding a picture i took of myself with both trucker hats on (its too bad to post). i dont remember taking the picture.
16. blacking out. (see above).
17. waking up on my futon. well, miwako was pulling it out from under me. i think she vomitted all over it. and on my blankets. i dont remember.
18. singing "the sound of settling" with randall.
19. cocos breakfast. not one ketchup. not two ketchups. but three ketchups!
20. sleeping until two thirty with yuka.

you can see more pictures and blog entries about the night at sakatamon's, nikuniku.

ooh, and i did WAY more than i thought i did. oops.