two posts in 3 hours. boy im lonely.
its coming down sideways, top-down, fast, and its sticking to metal surfaces, but not concrete. again... IT'S MARCH 25TH!!!
i realized that five months ago today i cried on caitlin and jeff's couch, cameron was over, and we watch lost in translation. i was so stressed that i cried while on the phone with my mom (like many a time). the four days before I got on the airplane I have no journal record of, i didnt even write anything, and all i remember from those 4 days was crying on that couch. everything was damp.
i also have never held a job longer than 6 months (aside from the Terrace Women's Resource Centre, for obvious reasons i think), and it seems that around this time period (4.5 - 5 months) my discontent really begins to happen. but there is nothing that i dont really like about this job. its a dream job. except that i'd rather make art. but, i just feel like i cant do it. i suck at this job, and i know there are other things id be better at, if i could just put my heart into it.
3.25.2005
"It's only a snowflake," said grandfather with beard.
well, maybe a bunch of snowflakes, that resemble sleety balls sometimes. they're falling falling. bleck. today is march 25th!!! there should be no more snow. this week, in kyoto, they probably have sakura, but oh now, here in akayu it's winder wonderland. fuck.
for some odd reason i've found one benefit for my cousin having cystic fibrosis. well, not a benefit, but a side effect that well, we can all learn from. anyway, most cousins aren't friends, let alone hangout with each other on a regular basis, and befriend eachother's friends, and actually become really close to some of them (kalin i love you!!). so, all growing up i spent roughly 1 week or so, on or off, with my cousin, who will henceforth be known as j.r. b/c she is fabulous. but, because she has cystic fibrosis we all got to learn about cystic fibrosis. it's not something you can really hide, and of course we had questions, because it was "different". so, questions answered, i learned a lot about therapy. no, not going to a person to tell them your feelings therapy. or the band, but this rythmic beating of the chest cavity and the back to loosen the flem of the lungs/pipes that those with cystic fibrosis have. which im sure is startling to anyone that doesnt know what the fuck is going on. and its hard work, back in the day, before they had fancy breathing machines to do the work, my aunt and uncle would beat on jade (in the therapy sense) to loosen her phlem a few times a day. and consequently, my aunt now has bad shoulders, totally understandable. anyway, so what did i learn? i learned that this therapy stuff is applicable to me too! as in this morning i woke up terribly conjested and just beat on my chest and voila! loosened conjestion. pretty sweet if you ask me. another behaviour that i think most of my family has inherited from j.r., as well as those of our family that have working in processing plants/shops of various sorts, is the ability to spit. which isnt a pretty subject. but we can spit, and we do spit. i have two friends in victoria that also spit, and it is one of our bonding factors, the spitting. ha ha.
last night i had my japanese lessons, which is also a non language lesson in that i learn so much about teaching just from going to these classes. anyway, you're not given enough time to respond, and im going to try in my classes to give a bit more time to the students to rack their brain before they give an answer. but its really hard to remember this stuff when someone, sitting next to you, is feeding you the answers, and then they assume that i dont understand the structure because i dont know a vocabulary, or know a different one, so i stumble. "doko no kuruma des ka?" (where is the car from?), "okuri wa dochira des ka?" (where are you from?) anyway, afterwards i wanted to try and track down martin and joelle to see if they wanted to go for ramen, but they ran away so fast (no wonder i cant make friends they're always on a marathon when im around, ha ha)
so, today i have lessons, 3, and i have prep to do, and sorting to do, and its almost 10am. my throat hurts, and i just want to go to sleep. tomorrow i have to get up early early, and i have 6 classes to do. yowza. not as much as j-dawg, so i must stop complaining. ha ha.
okay, im off, but before i go, you must go here. this one's my favourite. but, because im so sick an morbid i made jeff a 9/11 pop up card for his birthday. ha ha.
for some odd reason i've found one benefit for my cousin having cystic fibrosis. well, not a benefit, but a side effect that well, we can all learn from. anyway, most cousins aren't friends, let alone hangout with each other on a regular basis, and befriend eachother's friends, and actually become really close to some of them (kalin i love you!!). so, all growing up i spent roughly 1 week or so, on or off, with my cousin, who will henceforth be known as j.r. b/c she is fabulous. but, because she has cystic fibrosis we all got to learn about cystic fibrosis. it's not something you can really hide, and of course we had questions, because it was "different". so, questions answered, i learned a lot about therapy. no, not going to a person to tell them your feelings therapy. or the band, but this rythmic beating of the chest cavity and the back to loosen the flem of the lungs/pipes that those with cystic fibrosis have. which im sure is startling to anyone that doesnt know what the fuck is going on. and its hard work, back in the day, before they had fancy breathing machines to do the work, my aunt and uncle would beat on jade (in the therapy sense) to loosen her phlem a few times a day. and consequently, my aunt now has bad shoulders, totally understandable. anyway, so what did i learn? i learned that this therapy stuff is applicable to me too! as in this morning i woke up terribly conjested and just beat on my chest and voila! loosened conjestion. pretty sweet if you ask me. another behaviour that i think most of my family has inherited from j.r., as well as those of our family that have working in processing plants/shops of various sorts, is the ability to spit. which isnt a pretty subject. but we can spit, and we do spit. i have two friends in victoria that also spit, and it is one of our bonding factors, the spitting. ha ha.
last night i had my japanese lessons, which is also a non language lesson in that i learn so much about teaching just from going to these classes. anyway, you're not given enough time to respond, and im going to try in my classes to give a bit more time to the students to rack their brain before they give an answer. but its really hard to remember this stuff when someone, sitting next to you, is feeding you the answers, and then they assume that i dont understand the structure because i dont know a vocabulary, or know a different one, so i stumble. "doko no kuruma des ka?" (where is the car from?), "okuri wa dochira des ka?" (where are you from?) anyway, afterwards i wanted to try and track down martin and joelle to see if they wanted to go for ramen, but they ran away so fast (no wonder i cant make friends they're always on a marathon when im around, ha ha)
so, today i have lessons, 3, and i have prep to do, and sorting to do, and its almost 10am. my throat hurts, and i just want to go to sleep. tomorrow i have to get up early early, and i have 6 classes to do. yowza. not as much as j-dawg, so i must stop complaining. ha ha.
okay, im off, but before i go, you must go here. this one's my favourite. but, because im so sick an morbid i made jeff a 9/11 pop up card for his birthday. ha ha.
3.24.2005
dedicated to mr. (curious) george
i have such a high fever that i cannot understand chinese. easter will be happening soon. and in ghana they have bizarre easter traditions. czech tradition suggests lynching. someone please come douse me with a bucket of water to get rid of this terrible fever.
tomorrow, japanese lessons .
tomorrow, japanese lessons .
3.23.2005
it's raining", said diandra with headache
im starting to realize that this blogging is removing me from writing in my journal. as if im putting a priority on blog posts rather than on my journal. and it should really be the other way around. but right now im so fricking busy, probably b/c i spend most of my time procrastinating on the internet, ahem, that i havent really picked up my journal in days. ive completed about 1/2 of my to do list, and now im about to set out to make materials for the next 4 hours, which is fun fun fun. its my favourite part of the job. i just have some semi-difficult ones to do tonight, and probably time consuming. that im not looking forward to.
in 1.5 weeks i will be doing extra work for the other boss, driving a temporary teacher around, and while i will be taking out a lot of my time, at least im getting paid (two days im double paid, b/c i get my salary, and the extra money. suhweet) 15,000yen. about $170cdn. its only about 8$/hour, but hey, i get to drive someone around for 8$/hour. that is pretty good. and since im so hurting for money...
okay, here's the hurting for money situation. supposedly english teachers make a lot of cash, and i am making a lot of cash, but its not like i get to buy coach bags, etc. so, here's my usual monthly budget.
salary 235,000yen
-41,000 rent
-46,000 money sent to canada for student loan payments/credit cards
-30,000 money paid to my boss (from today i still owe him 130,000yen)
-50,000 bills. (this is really high, and jason would probably cry/be in shock. but, ive been racking up my keita bills, and gas bills are excruciating, but in 2 months i hope it goes down to 30,000y. that would be a bit more normal).
and that leaves me with 68,000yen. which is a terribly large amount of money to spend on food, going out, etc. but for some reason it feels really really tight. and im on a budget of about 2000yen a day (20$/day cdn) which is a lot, but i dont know where it all goes... (food, developing film, etc). every month is usually spend 10,000yen on something, last month it was the car, this month it was wendy/an overdue gas bill. it just adds up. and when i get back to canada and do my taxes i will probably owe the government about 200$/month for a year or so, b/c im not taxed as much on my income here as if i was in canada.
so, now think of those english teachers who make 300,000yen and dont have any debt. that means that they have an extra 70,000-80,000yen to spend. they go skiing, they have cars, they go to movies, and they go to tokyo for the weekend. i cant do that shit, and even when i get back to canada i will still owe my mum/ken $1600cdn. so, really, im not making a lot of money. tell your friends, debt sucks.
but, im finding myself. (ha ha.)
in 1.5 weeks i will be doing extra work for the other boss, driving a temporary teacher around, and while i will be taking out a lot of my time, at least im getting paid (two days im double paid, b/c i get my salary, and the extra money. suhweet) 15,000yen. about $170cdn. its only about 8$/hour, but hey, i get to drive someone around for 8$/hour. that is pretty good. and since im so hurting for money...
okay, here's the hurting for money situation. supposedly english teachers make a lot of cash, and i am making a lot of cash, but its not like i get to buy coach bags, etc. so, here's my usual monthly budget.
salary 235,000yen
-41,000 rent
-46,000 money sent to canada for student loan payments/credit cards
-30,000 money paid to my boss (from today i still owe him 130,000yen)
-50,000 bills. (this is really high, and jason would probably cry/be in shock. but, ive been racking up my keita bills, and gas bills are excruciating, but in 2 months i hope it goes down to 30,000y. that would be a bit more normal).
and that leaves me with 68,000yen. which is a terribly large amount of money to spend on food, going out, etc. but for some reason it feels really really tight. and im on a budget of about 2000yen a day (20$/day cdn) which is a lot, but i dont know where it all goes... (food, developing film, etc). every month is usually spend 10,000yen on something, last month it was the car, this month it was wendy/an overdue gas bill. it just adds up. and when i get back to canada and do my taxes i will probably owe the government about 200$/month for a year or so, b/c im not taxed as much on my income here as if i was in canada.
so, now think of those english teachers who make 300,000yen and dont have any debt. that means that they have an extra 70,000-80,000yen to spend. they go skiing, they have cars, they go to movies, and they go to tokyo for the weekend. i cant do that shit, and even when i get back to canada i will still owe my mum/ken $1600cdn. so, really, im not making a lot of money. tell your friends, debt sucks.
but, im finding myself. (ha ha.)
julie doiron and the 3am fever
last night was rough. my sore throat turned into me waking up at 1am freezing, but hot, and shiverring (how do you spell shivvering?) myself back to sleep. then i was awoken at 3am by being too hot, and taking off my hoodie, and trying to sleep on my blankets, then having to put julie on because my mind was racing in its feverish thoughts. i ended up falling asleep, somehow turning my 7:30am alarm off, and waking up at 10:30am, with those lips that feel weird b/c you are so dehydrated. not cracked, but the insides of your lips feel funny. ive been drinking lots of water and tea to up my fluids. but last night was the first night that i honestly wished i wasnt alone. in that i wish i had a partner in my bed to rub my legs and back to make me warm at 1am, and then at 3am to take off all my clothes to keep me cool. someone that forces water on me, gets me a cool cloth, and just makes me feel like i'm not going mad. that i just have a fever, and that everything will be okay, because they're holding me. i miss that a lot.
ive made my to do list for the day and its pretty spectacular, and its already almost 12pm. egads. so, lesson planning, materials making, and nihongo homework. i can do it. definitely another post later, what else do you do when you're lonely? xoxo.
ive made my to do list for the day and its pretty spectacular, and its already almost 12pm. egads. so, lesson planning, materials making, and nihongo homework. i can do it. definitely another post later, what else do you do when you're lonely? xoxo.
3.22.2005
macsu.
well, today i talked to sanchez on msn, and wouldnt you know it? i had a craving for macsu (macdonalds) after. ha ha. so i just ate a chicken burger and fries, and it doesnt cost extra to get juice as your beverage for your set. suhweet. and i dont feel sick yet, but later. i really shouldnt have spent the money... but oh well.
my classes went okay, and the language group was short b/c i was an hour late due to said classes. one girl from my duo-intermediate class is in chiba this week and next, so i got to do hardcore phonics work with the one girl, b/c she too can read, just isnt at the same level as the girl who is in chiba now. so, if i get the practise up that i want, well, it'll be better. so we spent a whole 1/2 hour doing phonics. which is honestly a lot.
my throat is still sore, and my nose is runny. why the fuck did i get a cold.
my classes went okay, and the language group was short b/c i was an hour late due to said classes. one girl from my duo-intermediate class is in chiba this week and next, so i got to do hardcore phonics work with the one girl, b/c she too can read, just isnt at the same level as the girl who is in chiba now. so, if i get the practise up that i want, well, it'll be better. so we spent a whole 1/2 hour doing phonics. which is honestly a lot.
my throat is still sore, and my nose is runny. why the fuck did i get a cold.
checking the date on a carton o caution
its the middle of the day, and ive done my planning for my lessons (just today's), and im about to pack the bag for said classes. and i photocopied stuff for other classes. and i ate the worst food possible. my throat hurts a lot. why is it that i had to wake up to be blindsided by a cold? that's not fair. and my head, its sore. i just want to sleep. this is my punishment for getting up at 7am to talk to people on gaim. ha ha.
speaking of talking to people, i talked to lovely alex and proposed to him that we have bake sales and make a cook book. he's was giddy excited about making an inter-friends cook book when i said, um, i mean, for publishing, and money. a cookbook with the mostest. and because we're just so rad, everyone will want to publish it and buy a copy. xoxo.
speaking of talking to people, i talked to lovely alex and proposed to him that we have bake sales and make a cook book. he's was giddy excited about making an inter-friends cook book when i said, um, i mean, for publishing, and money. a cookbook with the mostest. and because we're just so rad, everyone will want to publish it and buy a copy. xoxo.
3.21.2005
windy city
last night and today its been terribly windy. its slowed me down considerably whilst riding my bike around on this gloriously beautiful day, and its shaking my patio screens. shudder shudder. it kept me up most of the night, as did caffeine, and bad dreams, and being really warm, and an upset stomach from the ramen. bad bad night. maybe a total of 4 hours of sleep. honestly i didnt sleep a wink from 2am-5am. then i put my julie doiron tape on and fell asleep 20 minutes in. ha ha. and then i was rolling around in bed with my eyes open, and my brain semi alert, and amanda called at 8am, and we chatted, no earthquakes in my neighbourhood. my life has been pretty boring today, im over budget, like always, and i really want a pair of chucks, but cant afford them. so if my bills arent as high as i think they will be, then i will buy a pair. black, b/c there arent really super cool shoes here, in my size at least. gotta love the somewhat size consciousness of north america sometime.
right now im glueing together a piece for the artshow, the second of a series, and ive realized that ive run out of paper, which sucks. well, not run out, need to go to the store, but need to cut more, which is a daunting task, but i would like to get this second one finished, and then next weekend do the third, and then begin to paint/stencil the weekend after. you can see a page i made today for the art show . there are two pictures of this series.
also, ive been thinking more and more about nihon!go! watashi wa ni ban, and im busy writing stuff, and scheming, and obviously it'll be out later than i want it to be, but whatevs. better to be in good shape and late than lousy and on time. uh huh. (im shrinking).
right now im glueing together a piece for the artshow, the second of a series, and ive realized that ive run out of paper, which sucks. well, not run out, need to go to the store, but need to cut more, which is a daunting task, but i would like to get this second one finished, and then next weekend do the third, and then begin to paint/stencil the weekend after. you can see a page i made today for the art show . there are two pictures of this series.
also, ive been thinking more and more about nihon!go! watashi wa ni ban, and im busy writing stuff, and scheming, and obviously it'll be out later than i want it to be, but whatevs. better to be in good shape and late than lousy and on time. uh huh. (im shrinking).
3.20.2005
nikuman and natchan
today it is overcast, and because i still havent done my dishes, my flat still smells like curry. last night i went to sleep by 10pm and woke up today at 12pm. who does that? if my mum read this she would say, "are you low on your iron? maybe you should take your iron? have you taken any vitamins lately? are you eating well?" so, using her goading conscience i will get up and take iron immediately. chotto matte kudasai. there, now i can build bridges with my bare hands.
ive been bumming around on the internet for most of the day, hunting douglas coupland, and found this article. i love the advocate . then i went for a bike ride to miyauchi to flirt with shop-boy and buy some poster paints, but he wasnt working. his mom (im assuming) was. dammit. but i did buy the poster paints and a brush, and then i went to carddrug (drug store with the mostest) and bought some majolica majorca (by shishiedo) flesh & blood liquid cheek colour, in honestly, dark blood red. ive been thinking about buying it for a while, and at only 800yen, its a steal in my books. (since i have lip conditioner from mac that was twice as much. ha ha.
i think im going to put my head on the pillow for maybe 20 minutes, do some dishes, get some kerosene (b/c there is nothing like getting up at 6am on a cold morning to put the last 1/2 litre of kerosene into the empty heater.. ahem), and then go to misudo to do my japanese homework and wait for naho b/c we're going for ramen dinner. yummy.
quickly, eden cut her hair and looks very cybercool/annie lennox-ish see koko, and ive posted a new shirt, king of teppo machi. gee, that post was full of links. xoxo.
ive been bumming around on the internet for most of the day, hunting douglas coupland, and found this article. i love the advocate . then i went for a bike ride to miyauchi to flirt with shop-boy and buy some poster paints, but he wasnt working. his mom (im assuming) was. dammit. but i did buy the poster paints and a brush, and then i went to carddrug (drug store with the mostest) and bought some majolica majorca (by shishiedo) flesh & blood liquid cheek colour, in honestly, dark blood red. ive been thinking about buying it for a while, and at only 800yen, its a steal in my books. (since i have lip conditioner from mac that was twice as much. ha ha.
i think im going to put my head on the pillow for maybe 20 minutes, do some dishes, get some kerosene (b/c there is nothing like getting up at 6am on a cold morning to put the last 1/2 litre of kerosene into the empty heater.. ahem), and then go to misudo to do my japanese homework and wait for naho b/c we're going for ramen dinner. yummy.
quickly, eden cut her hair and looks very cybercool/annie lennox-ish see koko, and ive posted a new shirt, king of teppo machi. gee, that post was full of links. xoxo.
3.19.2005
"it's snowing!" said boy with dog
right now im really cold. i have the heater off, and im sitting in the darkness of the "living room" that smells like reheated 4-day old curry (with the one lonely piece of chicken in it), and i just finished a bottle of ice tea, and im still listening to the cd that kalin made me. today went really well. i woke up at 6am and did work, and then taught my classes, and they all went fabulously. there is a new kid in one class who has studied english before and the dynamic of that class is forever changed (for the better i hope). then i caught the train home and ate some nikuman. oishiikatades!! i signed up for couch surfing . and mike doughty agreed to be my friendster. and i need to put socks on. i really like the yeah yeah yeahs. i want to see the aviator. i cant think. quantity not quality today.
3.18.2005
bratty brits and other tunes.
well, its one of those days where you realize that you made yet another fucking mistake, and you go and you try to change that mistake, but the damage is done. and i thought i was being truthful to myself, but i ended up inadvertedly hurting someone. which isnt really kocher. and when you love that someone with more than everything that you have in your body, but arent sure if you should love them still, or even if they want to hear that you still love them, yet arent sure where you want that to take you, and you'd just rather they leave a nasty comment along with the post, and make you feel so horrible you'd give them your first, and only, child. but you're happy that they didnt. and here i am probably getting in trouble for talking about things that i shouldnt. censoring myself. just like poor alex of course. and im not going to be indignant about it. and i honestly wouldnt slag anyone that i love or is close to me on this site because that's just not me. but, its also my blog. and i feel comfortable here, and i dont want to be anonymous. i dont know how to deal with this, and maybe there will be just plain jane posts from now on. i feel like im losing something. but making a mistake at the same time, no matter what i do.
today was exhausting. i went to sendai and we applied to get my working holiday visa extended until october 27th, so they definitely cannot convince me to stay an extra year. jason's always reminding me to keep my options open. but i want them to be vancouver options. not nihon options. if you know what i mean.
last night i went for tonkatsu with martin after my lessons. ive begun to befriend the 8 year old in my lessons (kenichi-kun), and we have terrible fun. it was raining like crazy, but that musty spring rain that makes you want to have sex and go for long bike rides. today i got a package from kalin with my cds in it as well as a bratty brit (my terminology) cd. and i love it. and to think this morning i hated british sea power, but now she's got me loving it. terribly fabulous.
((sorry.))
today was exhausting. i went to sendai and we applied to get my working holiday visa extended until october 27th, so they definitely cannot convince me to stay an extra year. jason's always reminding me to keep my options open. but i want them to be vancouver options. not nihon options. if you know what i mean.
last night i went for tonkatsu with martin after my lessons. ive begun to befriend the 8 year old in my lessons (kenichi-kun), and we have terrible fun. it was raining like crazy, but that musty spring rain that makes you want to have sex and go for long bike rides. today i got a package from kalin with my cds in it as well as a bratty brit (my terminology) cd. and i love it. and to think this morning i hated british sea power, but now she's got me loving it. terribly fabulous.
((sorry.))
3.17.2005
sweeter
do you ever listen to a cd repeatedly? over and over and over, and it doesnt wear off on you? and the more you listen to it, the more you love it? well, for the last day or so i have been listening to jd and the wooden stars constantly. (maybe that's why i am so depressed??!ha ha) and i love this cd more than anything right now, and its so genuinely warm and inviting. i just want to make love to the music. (hey, everything that im wearing, even my underwear is grey).
my internet is being very spastic and only working once in a while. it keeps giving me all these error messages in japanese and i can't figure it out. but now it's working and that is a relief.
I've been thinking about why i have decided to move to vancouver. and its a long and messy explanation. and i think that i will start at the presumed root. because there isnt one reason for everything now is there? so, all growing up the only goals i had were this: 1. not get pregnant before i finished high school, and 2. get a university degree. anything else is a cake walk. so here, i find myself, trying to find myself, and ive never really had to think about what i want to do before, because ive accomplished what i set out to do. right? so, thus, after japan (b/c this isnt really what i wanted to do, it was more of an emergency measure, to relax a spastic mind and ...) i have had to figure out what i want to do. and i really, im a free agent, i can do anything that i want? right? well, you'd think so, but i constantly feel like im letting people down, and that im being untrue to myself and that im just making mistakes after mistakes after mistakes. and its really frustrating. with that said, why did i pick vancouver? and turn away terrace? and say no to victoria for the umpteenth time? im not completely sure. but, i do know that i did live in the lower mainland for 3.5 years and it wasnt completely on the terms that i wanted, in that i always had a fantasy about how i wanted to do vancouver, and now i get to do it, and im terribly excited. also, im not finished with the city. i havent done the city. i want to feel wet (from the rain, and other things... ) and dirty, and just like a city kid for a while. and then, when the olympics begin to shadow vancity, then i'll move. or when hawksley workman asks me to marry him and move to ontario. i'll move. but, for now i will stay in akayu and then move to vancouver. and i'll sew, and drink soy milk, and makeout with cute gay men. that's my plan.
for the next 3 days i am going to be terribly busy and i cant believe that im still on the computer. i must get up at 5am tomorrow morning so i can go to sendai to go to immigration to plead my case (let me stay!!!) xoxo di.
my internet is being very spastic and only working once in a while. it keeps giving me all these error messages in japanese and i can't figure it out. but now it's working and that is a relief.
I've been thinking about why i have decided to move to vancouver. and its a long and messy explanation. and i think that i will start at the presumed root. because there isnt one reason for everything now is there? so, all growing up the only goals i had were this: 1. not get pregnant before i finished high school, and 2. get a university degree. anything else is a cake walk. so here, i find myself, trying to find myself, and ive never really had to think about what i want to do before, because ive accomplished what i set out to do. right? so, thus, after japan (b/c this isnt really what i wanted to do, it was more of an emergency measure, to relax a spastic mind and ...) i have had to figure out what i want to do. and i really, im a free agent, i can do anything that i want? right? well, you'd think so, but i constantly feel like im letting people down, and that im being untrue to myself and that im just making mistakes after mistakes after mistakes. and its really frustrating. with that said, why did i pick vancouver? and turn away terrace? and say no to victoria for the umpteenth time? im not completely sure. but, i do know that i did live in the lower mainland for 3.5 years and it wasnt completely on the terms that i wanted, in that i always had a fantasy about how i wanted to do vancouver, and now i get to do it, and im terribly excited. also, im not finished with the city. i havent done the city. i want to feel wet (from the rain, and other things... ) and dirty, and just like a city kid for a while. and then, when the olympics begin to shadow vancity, then i'll move. or when hawksley workman asks me to marry him and move to ontario. i'll move. but, for now i will stay in akayu and then move to vancouver. and i'll sew, and drink soy milk, and makeout with cute gay men. that's my plan.
for the next 3 days i am going to be terribly busy and i cant believe that im still on the computer. i must get up at 5am tomorrow morning so i can go to sendai to go to immigration to plead my case (let me stay!!!) xoxo di.
3.15.2005
running up the hill
right now im listening to the mix cd that jeff made me of his favourite songs. basically because i miss him terribly and it is a solid imprint of him on my life. as is the grad card he made me that is posted above my bed. i havent had a solid connection to the internet for the last 3-4 days. which is okay, i actually didnt really miss it. but, now its working and hopefully its gonna work foreva!!
i read europa by tim parks. pretty good.
the snow is melting. today i was biking around. i paid my very expensive phone bill, and my late gas bill, and sent packages to jeff, kalin, and caitlin. i did laundry. i helped a friend craft a semi-love letter, i went shopping, my flat smells like curry. last night i got a little pissed by myself. but for somereason i was craving beer.
oh my oh my, today i saw the most horrible thing ever. i will definitely turn it into a short story. but, i saw a mother, with a 2 year old child, and the child was screaming, and the mother was screaming at the child. we were in a parking lot, and the woman just threw the child to the ground, leaving it crying, and hopped in her van and drove away, to teach it a lesson. it was ridiculous. i didnt want to approach the kid and scare it more, but these two obasan's approached the kid, freaking out he was, his mother fucking abandoned him, and then the mother came back immediately and scooped the kid up and put it in the van. but if she didnt return i was ready to tell the obasan's what i saw in broken japanese, offer my keitai and call the police. egads. what a mess.
xoxo
i read europa by tim parks. pretty good.
the snow is melting. today i was biking around. i paid my very expensive phone bill, and my late gas bill, and sent packages to jeff, kalin, and caitlin. i did laundry. i helped a friend craft a semi-love letter, i went shopping, my flat smells like curry. last night i got a little pissed by myself. but for somereason i was craving beer.
oh my oh my, today i saw the most horrible thing ever. i will definitely turn it into a short story. but, i saw a mother, with a 2 year old child, and the child was screaming, and the mother was screaming at the child. we were in a parking lot, and the woman just threw the child to the ground, leaving it crying, and hopped in her van and drove away, to teach it a lesson. it was ridiculous. i didnt want to approach the kid and scare it more, but these two obasan's approached the kid, freaking out he was, his mother fucking abandoned him, and then the mother came back immediately and scooped the kid up and put it in the van. but if she didnt return i was ready to tell the obasan's what i saw in broken japanese, offer my keitai and call the police. egads. what a mess.
xoxo
3.13.2005
yuki wa suki ja nai
it's snowing. and its frickin cold. and im angry. i mean, if its going to be sunny, and gorgeous, and the snow will melt daily, for a good two weeks, then i think that mid-march snow falls are unwarranted.
im going to leave the house now, and attempt to find food, because i havent consumed anything solid in the last 23hours and my stomach is starting to grumble. ive decided that i dont like todd kerns anymore. zip. nada. but im strengthening my celebrity crush on hawksley. maybe i can convince him to be my friend. and knit him scarves. and make him cornbread muffins. lets hope the address is real. there's a purse i want to buy. let's hope no one has bought it yet.
im going to leave the house now, and attempt to find food, because i havent consumed anything solid in the last 23hours and my stomach is starting to grumble. ive decided that i dont like todd kerns anymore. zip. nada. but im strengthening my celebrity crush on hawksley. maybe i can convince him to be my friend. and knit him scarves. and make him cornbread muffins. lets hope the address is real. there's a purse i want to buy. let's hope no one has bought it yet.
3.12.2005
original penguin and the 7am wakeup call
now that im basically blogging everyday, i feel that i should be upping the ante on what is posted. not so much in quantity, but quality. we'll see how this aspiration plays out. last night i saw the phantom of the opera . it was fabulous. so sad, and 80s harpsicord music. and that gerard butler is one hot man. in that 1980s, lumberjack, sort of way. do you think he rides a motorcycle?
saturdays are my favourite work day. its not because i have to be out of the house by 8am. its not because i have some of my most difficult classes. and its not because i dont get home until 6:30pm. saturdays are fabulous because while it seems like the day should suck and i would be grumpy and miserable and would want to just come home and cry, i have these two classes where nothing goes wrong. ( i probably just jinxed myself). well, where nothing goes wrong that i can't handle. i've garnered relationships with these children and they are so fun and so cute and i love being payed for playing all afternoon. and today i bought an original penguin hanky that i just adore.
right now its snowing outside. so, my anticipated bike ride to miyauchi (to check out shop-boy and buy poster paints for a series that im working on, inspired by jason, the king of teppo machi gun town) is shelved. and its also too cold and miserable to go outside again, and i really need food. but rather than eat, i'll just go to sleep.
oh, and before i move deeper into the realm of quantity rather than quality i will quickly say that in my consumer whore spirit i created a "kore wa kaimas" site. where those that also love shopping can check up on what i buy with my hard earned yen.
xoxo.
saturdays are my favourite work day. its not because i have to be out of the house by 8am. its not because i have some of my most difficult classes. and its not because i dont get home until 6:30pm. saturdays are fabulous because while it seems like the day should suck and i would be grumpy and miserable and would want to just come home and cry, i have these two classes where nothing goes wrong. ( i probably just jinxed myself). well, where nothing goes wrong that i can't handle. i've garnered relationships with these children and they are so fun and so cute and i love being payed for playing all afternoon. and today i bought an original penguin hanky that i just adore.
right now its snowing outside. so, my anticipated bike ride to miyauchi (to check out shop-boy and buy poster paints for a series that im working on, inspired by jason, the king of teppo machi gun town) is shelved. and its also too cold and miserable to go outside again, and i really need food. but rather than eat, i'll just go to sleep.
oh, and before i move deeper into the realm of quantity rather than quality i will quickly say that in my consumer whore spirit i created a "kore wa kaimas" site. where those that also love shopping can check up on what i buy with my hard earned yen.
xoxo.
3.11.2005
dame!
well, its not that much later and my days been relatively soiled. i will not speak poorly against my boss, b/c im not really that sort of person, and he's not really the sort of person you'd want to speak poorly about, b/c he is actually an amazing, generous, kind, thoughtful, intelligent man. who forgot to pay me 2 days in a row. which is okay, but i had to withdraw from my visa so that i could afford to pay for the train tomorrow and go out with eiko san tonight. that aside, please note my sarcasm when reading the following: the best thing that japan has to offer is definitely the open sewers. i mean, you thought that my shit smelled bad, try matching it with the shit of my entire neighbourhood. oh yeah. i will be burning bergamont all summer.
ive downloaded picasa. let's hope it works.
im confused, where do i get my narcissism from? i mean, for someone that thinks that she's unattractive, going no where, and has terribly low self-esteem, i do manage to think that i am relatively fabulous, and beautiful, at the same time. what's up with that?
ive downloaded picasa. let's hope it works.
im confused, where do i get my narcissism from? i mean, for someone that thinks that she's unattractive, going no where, and has terribly low self-esteem, i do manage to think that i am relatively fabulous, and beautiful, at the same time. what's up with that?
yok.kata!!
wowzer! ii! its working! yippee kai.yay! (but, its slow, and explorer often crashes b/c the comp is low on memory. i did say it was an IBM aptiva now didnt i? and its running windows 98. anyway, i downloaded firefox. and i should be getting new memory soon, and then i will download messenger. so probably in a week. but until then, email should suffice? i think so... as for that check yours!)
well, its 8:30am, and i have already been to the laundromat where i am presently spending my last 1000yen to wash my dirty stinky clothes. i honestly had nothing clean left and had been smelling for the last two days. and, my pay didnt come yesterday as i thought it would, so i had to take out my last 7000yen from my account (which was designated for a bill) and pay for my nihongo lessons. which are frustrating in their own right, and its a good wakeup call for my own practises as a teacher. but, its kinda difficult b/c im having to go back to the beginning and learn sentence patterns from the start. and some of the polite/daily vocabulary i dont know, and others do, so im reading the hiragana, when others are doing it from memory. alas, my hiragana will get stronger. which is totally important.
last monday i went to the conversation club and it was a lot of fun. we talked for just over 2 hours, and i met 3 new people (shoko, aki-kun, to martin). then after i went for sushi with naho and emi, and we had a dead good time. i told them i was crushing on the shop-boy from chank, and naho said she knew who i was talking about, and that he has good fashion sense. oh yeah, he better be in my flat soon, that's all i have to say. and then naho told me how to ask him out (ha ha. too bad she didnt give me a confidence shot!)
today and tonight i have a tremendous amount of work to do, and then eiko-san (truly wonderful fabulous beautiful woman) and i are going for dinner and a movie. yay!!
oh, and yesterday i talked to jeff and rebecca on the telephone. and it was better than sex. honestly. but, jeff, you really need a not-so-ghetto-phone. xoxo di.
well, its 8:30am, and i have already been to the laundromat where i am presently spending my last 1000yen to wash my dirty stinky clothes. i honestly had nothing clean left and had been smelling for the last two days. and, my pay didnt come yesterday as i thought it would, so i had to take out my last 7000yen from my account (which was designated for a bill) and pay for my nihongo lessons. which are frustrating in their own right, and its a good wakeup call for my own practises as a teacher. but, its kinda difficult b/c im having to go back to the beginning and learn sentence patterns from the start. and some of the polite/daily vocabulary i dont know, and others do, so im reading the hiragana, when others are doing it from memory. alas, my hiragana will get stronger. which is totally important.
last monday i went to the conversation club and it was a lot of fun. we talked for just over 2 hours, and i met 3 new people (shoko, aki-kun, to martin). then after i went for sushi with naho and emi, and we had a dead good time. i told them i was crushing on the shop-boy from chank, and naho said she knew who i was talking about, and that he has good fashion sense. oh yeah, he better be in my flat soon, that's all i have to say. and then naho told me how to ask him out (ha ha. too bad she didnt give me a confidence shot!)
today and tonight i have a tremendous amount of work to do, and then eiko-san (truly wonderful fabulous beautiful woman) and i are going for dinner and a movie. yay!!
oh, and yesterday i talked to jeff and rebecca on the telephone. and it was better than sex. honestly. but, jeff, you really need a not-so-ghetto-phone. xoxo di.
3.05.2005
finally
from vancouver cbc.
VANCOUVER – A Kitimat man has been convicted of killing his teenage daughter in a fit of rage. After deliberating for five hours, a B.C. Supreme Court jury has found Rajinder Singh Atwal guilty of second-degree murder.
Amandeep Atwal
Seventeen-year-old Amandeep Atwal was stabbed to death in July 2003.
FROM FEB. 21, 2005: Dad on trial for daughter's death
The Crown said she was murdered because her father was angry about her relationship with her boyfriend, Todd McIsaac.
The couple had become involved while attending high school together in Kitimat, and had managed to keep their relationship secret from her parents.
But her parents found out after the pair were involved in a car accident.
In the summer of 2003, Amandeep moved to Prince George to live with Todd. Then she went on one last holiday with her family to Vancouver.
Her father offered to drive her back to Prince George. It was somewhere during that trip that Amandeep was stabbed 11 times. Her father delivered her bloody body to Langley Memorial Hospital.
He told the staff she had committed suicide. But a pathologist who testified during the trial said some of the stab wounds were "inflicted after death."
The defence had argued there was reasonable doubt of guilt because there there were no witnesses, and that much of the evidence was circumstantial.
Rajinder Atwal did not testify in his own behalf, and his lawyer called no witnesses in his brief defence.
Atwal remained composed during the final stages of his trial – until the guilty verdict. He then looked at his wife in the gallery and cried briefly.
The 48-year-old Atwal faces an automatic life sentence. A hearing in June will determine when he will be eligible for parole.
His lawyer indicated he intends to appeal the verdict.
VANCOUVER – A Kitimat man has been convicted of killing his teenage daughter in a fit of rage. After deliberating for five hours, a B.C. Supreme Court jury has found Rajinder Singh Atwal guilty of second-degree murder.
Amandeep Atwal
Seventeen-year-old Amandeep Atwal was stabbed to death in July 2003.
FROM FEB. 21, 2005: Dad on trial for daughter's death
The Crown said she was murdered because her father was angry about her relationship with her boyfriend, Todd McIsaac.
The couple had become involved while attending high school together in Kitimat, and had managed to keep their relationship secret from her parents.
But her parents found out after the pair were involved in a car accident.
In the summer of 2003, Amandeep moved to Prince George to live with Todd. Then she went on one last holiday with her family to Vancouver.
Her father offered to drive her back to Prince George. It was somewhere during that trip that Amandeep was stabbed 11 times. Her father delivered her bloody body to Langley Memorial Hospital.
He told the staff she had committed suicide. But a pathologist who testified during the trial said some of the stab wounds were "inflicted after death."
The defence had argued there was reasonable doubt of guilt because there there were no witnesses, and that much of the evidence was circumstantial.
Rajinder Atwal did not testify in his own behalf, and his lawyer called no witnesses in his brief defence.
Atwal remained composed during the final stages of his trial – until the guilty verdict. He then looked at his wife in the gallery and cried briefly.
The 48-year-old Atwal faces an automatic life sentence. A hearing in June will determine when he will be eligible for parole.
His lawyer indicated he intends to appeal the verdict.
xcapexandxcarrotx
as you all know, i love my sister more than anything. wait. i love marmalade more than anything. but, eden's pretty close. so she does these fabulous things like xcapexandxcarrotx, which im sure you're too lame to have checked out already. but this ones my favourite performance anxiety.. be there or be square coolios.
last day in the cafe
so, here i am. i get the internet on friday, ish, at my flat. and a telephone. an email will go out with updates, and phone numbers, and just a general hajimemashite. thus, im in yamagata, and i couldnt really afford to come here, but im so sick of counting my 100yen pieces and making sure that i dont eat expensive food (no fruit, avacados, etc), but ive been eating better and i actually bought a whole pineapple on a whim yesterday. im terribly excited to eat it.
this week i hit rock bottom. wednesday i think. i cried and cried, and snotted on everything, and it was just terrible. but, then i had a bubble bath (thanks to eden and alex and their fuelling of my strawberry shortcake love), and then started to do work. and naho called. so we went for biru and oden, and onigiri. which i love love love. and i met emi. (new pictures on ohsweetie album). and we had young-fun. then i got called about my nihongo lessons, which started on thursday, and i met some alts. and some english speaking nihonjin, and ive been invited to an english conversation club tomorrow. im very excited.
im inching very closely towards moving to vancouver. well, actually, im moving to vancouver. the people there just eat at my heart and i cant stay away. no matter how homesick i am. and no matter how much i love victoria. my heart belongs in vancouver. and as kalin says, after two years, im free to go. making the decision is the hard part.
that's it for now. new post from my ibm aptiva when i have the internet at home! yippee!!!
this week i hit rock bottom. wednesday i think. i cried and cried, and snotted on everything, and it was just terrible. but, then i had a bubble bath (thanks to eden and alex and their fuelling of my strawberry shortcake love), and then started to do work. and naho called. so we went for biru and oden, and onigiri. which i love love love. and i met emi. (new pictures on ohsweetie album). and we had young-fun. then i got called about my nihongo lessons, which started on thursday, and i met some alts. and some english speaking nihonjin, and ive been invited to an english conversation club tomorrow. im very excited.
im inching very closely towards moving to vancouver. well, actually, im moving to vancouver. the people there just eat at my heart and i cant stay away. no matter how homesick i am. and no matter how much i love victoria. my heart belongs in vancouver. and as kalin says, after two years, im free to go. making the decision is the hard part.
that's it for now. new post from my ibm aptiva when i have the internet at home! yippee!!!
ode to a tomodachi
okay, so i made a list. which isnt so smart, is it? but it was inspired by the fact that every single time i hear modest mouse (and like it) i think of kalin. and i realized how much my friends have given me. or inspired me in specific ways. so heres the list. and if you're not on here, i dont really love you. (ha ha, that's not true!!)
kalin.
-meow hottness
-motivational emails.
-lucky. strut.
-modest mouse.
-love of 80s cut tees.
-she's just so fucking cool.
carly.
-queer lusting.
-rekindling union spirit.
-valley love.
-shopping, dancing, beyonce, beyonce, beyonce.
caitlin.
-she makes me want to move to romania and have babies with her.
-sepia toned outlook on life.
-rekindled my love for the canadian indie scene.
-jooooolieeee!
jeff.
-makes smoking so glamorous, i want to try. gimme!
-siouxie.
-slip ons.
-he makes me cry those tears of love.
eden. (okay, so she's my sister. but...)
-narcissism.
-narcissism.
-narcissism.
-tegan and sara.
brie.
-she's my sole inspiration for everything.
-le tigre.
-pushing my manilla envelopes to de-grannydi me.
jesse.
-i think about her when i rent movies.
-one of the strongest women i know.
-diy.
-pushes me to be critical and introspective.
-shares my lust for college english teachers.
kieran.
-we fight and get sulky on road trips. i love it.
-he makes me feel unworthy and loved at the same time.
-no matter how far i go, i can always go back home.
alex.
-baking fever.
-he lets me influence him (in good ways and bad..) haha.
amanda.
-she's brilliant.
-honest.
-bridge.
-cbc love.
-chocolate for breakfast.
-encourages me to crush on canadian authors.
nicholas.
-looking up raushenberg on the internet.
-erickson, eames, coupland, rothko.
-good kisser.
-taking my coat.
-makes me want to be a better person.
becca.
-she hugged my mom!!!
-d-funk.
-best soy foam ever.
anna.
-inspires me to get off my ass.
-old remo love.
-shes my other sister.
lucy.
-you know when you meet someone for the first time and you think to yourself. "hot damn, we're gonna be friends! allright!"
-inner nihon love.
jason.
-tom waits.
-terrace memories.
-my official man when im in a bind. (haha, THANKYOU!!!)
-squeezes information out of me without me even knowing it.
mike.
-hot damn.
-he too knows that ian hanomansing is short.
roy.
-dance fever.
graham.
-he listens to my drunken ramblings about inadvertedly having my heart broken.
-best hugs.
-shares my guilty love for sbux. except, he's not really guilty. and that i LOVE.
tim.
-mike doughty.
-optimism about winter.
-patience.
kalin.
-meow hottness
-motivational emails.
-lucky. strut.
-modest mouse.
-love of 80s cut tees.
-she's just so fucking cool.
carly.
-queer lusting.
-rekindling union spirit.
-valley love.
-shopping, dancing, beyonce, beyonce, beyonce.
caitlin.
-she makes me want to move to romania and have babies with her.
-sepia toned outlook on life.
-rekindled my love for the canadian indie scene.
-jooooolieeee!
jeff.
-makes smoking so glamorous, i want to try. gimme!
-siouxie.
-slip ons.
-he makes me cry those tears of love.
eden. (okay, so she's my sister. but...)
-narcissism.
-narcissism.
-narcissism.
-tegan and sara.
brie.
-she's my sole inspiration for everything.
-le tigre.
-pushing my manilla envelopes to de-grannydi me.
jesse.
-i think about her when i rent movies.
-one of the strongest women i know.
-diy.
-pushes me to be critical and introspective.
-shares my lust for college english teachers.
kieran.
-we fight and get sulky on road trips. i love it.
-he makes me feel unworthy and loved at the same time.
-no matter how far i go, i can always go back home.
alex.
-baking fever.
-he lets me influence him (in good ways and bad..) haha.
amanda.
-she's brilliant.
-honest.
-bridge.
-cbc love.
-chocolate for breakfast.
-encourages me to crush on canadian authors.
nicholas.
-looking up raushenberg on the internet.
-erickson, eames, coupland, rothko.
-good kisser.
-taking my coat.
-makes me want to be a better person.
becca.
-she hugged my mom!!!
-d-funk.
-best soy foam ever.
anna.
-inspires me to get off my ass.
-old remo love.
-shes my other sister.
lucy.
-you know when you meet someone for the first time and you think to yourself. "hot damn, we're gonna be friends! allright!"
-inner nihon love.
jason.
-tom waits.
-terrace memories.
-my official man when im in a bind. (haha, THANKYOU!!!)
-squeezes information out of me without me even knowing it.
mike.
-hot damn.
-he too knows that ian hanomansing is short.
roy.
-dance fever.
graham.
-he listens to my drunken ramblings about inadvertedly having my heart broken.
-best hugs.
-shares my guilty love for sbux. except, he's not really guilty. and that i LOVE.
tim.
-mike doughty.
-optimism about winter.
-patience.
3.01.2005
feeling better.
well, the shock of the student loan problem has worn off. ive done some website creation, checked out about setting up the net at home (cheaper than i thought), and have just let time have it subside. because there's nothing i can really do. so why freak out, right? unless someone wants to pay off my student loans that is. damnit i want a sugardaddy.
okay, updated ohsweetie
so, on sunday, went to sendai. talk about reentering japan. total culture shock anew. so many people, busy shops, and coach coach coach. they had this beautiful white bag with hearts. and of course i couldnt afford it. i barely bought anything in sendai. i went to starbucks (yes, graham, i went ;) and it was just the same!) and all the employees were young and hip and beautiful, just like in select stores in canada (b/c we all know that at some starbucks there are ugly uncool people, but not the ones i know. they're beautiful and hip hip hip!) i did buy a pair of chandelier earrings for 700yen. and then on monday i bought a thuggish hoodie for 1500yen.
ive come down with a nasty cold the last few days and i just bought some ricola here in yamagata, and it was expensive, but it does wonders for my throat (the japanese cough drops/throat lozenges suck!) and a box of celestial seasonings tea (for $6!!! ridiculous. but im so homesick i dont care) and then i just saw the perfect combination of shoe and bag. both white shiny vinyl with red accents. a perfect set for under 10000yen (100cdn), and puma. dammit. i want to go buy it right now, but with the csl debacle, i cant justify it. maybe when i get paid next week.
okay, so the other day i cried for the first time in a long while. a really long while, and it was a short cry. but i feel like a john kerry flip-flopper. i mean, im always changing my mind, and i feel like im not only letting other people down, but myself, and its just a mess. but, there's been some changes. basically, i dont think im moving back to terrace after this. and i was just so upset that i ungrounded myself, and i swear i havent put my feet back down yet, that i just cried. but, some things that i thought would anchor me to terrace have been "uprooted", and im trying to find a place to plant those massive feet of mine. so, i think that im going to root in vancouver. i dont know what this would really mean. but we'll see. I feel like im floating and i really want to land. IM DEAD LONELY (there, caps)
xoxo di.
okay, updated ohsweetie
so, on sunday, went to sendai. talk about reentering japan. total culture shock anew. so many people, busy shops, and coach coach coach. they had this beautiful white bag with hearts. and of course i couldnt afford it. i barely bought anything in sendai. i went to starbucks (yes, graham, i went ;) and it was just the same!) and all the employees were young and hip and beautiful, just like in select stores in canada (b/c we all know that at some starbucks there are ugly uncool people, but not the ones i know. they're beautiful and hip hip hip!) i did buy a pair of chandelier earrings for 700yen. and then on monday i bought a thuggish hoodie for 1500yen.
ive come down with a nasty cold the last few days and i just bought some ricola here in yamagata, and it was expensive, but it does wonders for my throat (the japanese cough drops/throat lozenges suck!) and a box of celestial seasonings tea (for $6!!! ridiculous. but im so homesick i dont care) and then i just saw the perfect combination of shoe and bag. both white shiny vinyl with red accents. a perfect set for under 10000yen (100cdn), and puma. dammit. i want to go buy it right now, but with the csl debacle, i cant justify it. maybe when i get paid next week.
okay, so the other day i cried for the first time in a long while. a really long while, and it was a short cry. but i feel like a john kerry flip-flopper. i mean, im always changing my mind, and i feel like im not only letting other people down, but myself, and its just a mess. but, there's been some changes. basically, i dont think im moving back to terrace after this. and i was just so upset that i ungrounded myself, and i swear i havent put my feet back down yet, that i just cried. but, some things that i thought would anchor me to terrace have been "uprooted", and im trying to find a place to plant those massive feet of mine. so, i think that im going to root in vancouver. i dont know what this would really mean. but we'll see. I feel like im floating and i really want to land. IM DEAD LONELY (there, caps)
xoxo di.
csl
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. why are canada student loans a bunch of mother fucking bastards!! i mean, first they say that they can't approve my payments until i pay off my interest. so i give them two cheques for $300 to pay off my interest by april. and they told me that my regular payments wont come out till april. so okay, i only need to put that $300 in my account for them each month right? HAHAHA!!! so, they took out the payment ($210) and the cheque fucking bounces. and i cant call them right now, b/c in canada its the evening. so, i'm going to wait until 12am tonight and call them, and get mad. why did they lie to me??????
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