"there's a war inside of me, do i cause a new heartbreak to write a new broken song"

im so drained of energy. i wanna sound so tough and say, "yo foo, it didnt hurt at all", but there were moments when it fucking killed. and the aftermath is pretty shitty. there was this guy there, who i have now dubbed drama queen, who was just about to hop town to move east to toronto for school and work. and we chatted away. he was terribly cute. i guess he knew the girls at electro and was getting some handwork done before he split. he described his knee tattoos to a potential customer as being so painful he "wouldnt get touch ups" and he had to "walk up the stairs with effort". if you want to see actual pictures of the tattoo, a little bloody, go here. she actually turned out the way i wanted her to. (p.s. thanks sasha!)

"maybe things are getting better, maybe im just scared"

today i slept off my delerious fever until 1:30pm. watched television. walked up to the store. 7eleven still smells the same here. smells different in japan. watched more television. ate amazing curry from thai away home. worked more on knitting cables. watched more tv. burned some cds. im going to the store. deep and delicious mc cain's cake calls. does it not? xoxo.

(p.s. what's up with the "black family" on the amazing race? isnt that some sort of BAD move by the selection board. i mean, there are all these other white families, and the only family that is black is actually named the "black" family. its just so bad! )
(p.p.s. just got back from the store. went to a greasy spoon and got wonton instead. but, guess what? the black family lost. hm?)

"id like to talk to you, id like to let you know..."

last night i was knitting this scarf, practicing my cable stitch, and i started to feel so ill, and was blaming this wool. i felt like it was an allergic reaction and put the wool away. but i woke up this morning all sick and shit. all day ive been sneezing and cloudy because my sinuses are so buggered!! im working at this dodgy english school, but its okay. im getting paid cash, though my hours our shitty. i really should get a second job. im feeling even more torn about being back. tossing around this dream job working in terrace, and then applying for jet (im still going to!!), but where i will be next summer is messing with my brain. i think i just want to feel settled. and as of yet i dont feel that japan will be a settled place, but when i was there i didnt really put effort into staying...blah blah blah, im just going in circles when i just want to say, i miss the boy so much. bleck. i had dinner with some japanese women tonight, so much fun, getting to speak japanese and talking about boy. okay, my gucky head is running in heart sick circles. i really need something more interesting to talk about. xoxo.

"steal the feeling and focus on the flames, girl"

its late. we just got back (well, kinda) from seeing architecture in helsinki, wolf parade, and dr. dog. the show was at artspace. while the show was fucking amazing, also being in artspace was a treat in itself. understandably a new venue, but let's take a room that feels like a basement at your parents house, and stick a bar in the back, make sure that the bathrooms are upstairs. not supply running water, and better yet, make sure there is only one fire exit. and no air conditioning or ventilation. it honestly felt like i hadnt left yamagata at all. we were all hot and sweaty and sticky. and hip. did i mention hip. so good. fuck, all bands rocked me! (in my emo fashion i bought some pins for architecture and i want to photograph them, and will post the picture on this tomorrow).

and then, last night, last night, we went to see immaculate machine, destroyer, and the new pornographers. also incredible. all of the bands, but the pornographers, were pretty much new to me. i dont own anything they do, i dont listen to them regularly, i dont make t-shirts inspired by them, etc. but, seeing the new pornographers for the third (and last time??) was enlightening. they, for me, are vancouver. the first time i saw them was the october after i moved here back in 2001. you know, just starting out, getting on my feet, becoming a new person. the second time was last year, this time, right before i went to japan. you know just getting off my feet, becoming a new person, doing drastic and new things. and then last night. again in the fall. just getting on/off my feet, solidifying the new person ive become. and i had this so sad realization. but, vancouver, you and i are done. ill take some of the friends ive met through you with my heart, we'll be together forever. but you, as a city, if we were to meet at a highschool reunion, id remember the fun times you gave me: the shopping, the shows, the being offered drugs on the street, my piercing, my soon to be tattoo, the fireworks, the gelato, and mt. pleasant. ill reminisce on how you made me stronger, taller, hipper, and always wanting flippy hair and body mods. but someone stole my heart. someone with real sushi, more cool young stylish japanese kids, and a boy that took my heart away. oh vancouver, the next three weeks will be fun in ways i cant imagine, but after that....you'll just have to carry on without me. gambatte!

"owner of a lonely heart"

last night my sister and i went to see "me and you and everyone we know". we saw it to be a distraction from my impending/repeating heart break regarding boy. ive been going up and down in my reaction and my way of coping with feeling like i left the love of my life on the other side of the ocean. and i know im blowing things out of proportion. but im having a fucking difficult time bringing it back down to earth you know! xoxo.

"because each broken heart will eventually mend"

presently im struggling with a new way to post pictures. baaa. last night i went out with my uncle. when i left his daughter was afraid of me and preconversational (pretty much i had concluded that she hated me). then last night she said she didnt remember who i was (yes!) and we got along swimmingly. being back ive noticed a few things. staying where im staying im constantly taking the #20 bus and its quite a change from my clean, polite japan. but, im appreciating it in a new way. and getting frustrated because i feel like i can never do anything to make these people's lives better. i keep questioning myself to figure out if i should have a role in helping these people and making their lives better. or if that should even be where my thinking is headed. i mean, travelling through the poorest postal code in the country has given me some perspective on why i like japan so much, and has left me agreeing with my mother (for the umpteenth time): i like japan because it's different.

other new thing that ive noticed somewhat goes along with a comment some friends made on tuesday. the conversation goes something like this:

me: (after i noticed i was being stared at by friends) "what?"
friend 1 speaking for him and friend 2: "we were just saying how you went to japan a girl and came back a woman." (enter loving stare).
me: [groan]

the point is, and i know its so narcissistic of me, but ive caught two stupid cute "indie" boys checking me out in the last 24 hours! what's going on? this has never happened before. im in total shock. maybe im just delirious. last night i slept from 11pm-2am and then stayed up until 6:30am and was woken up at 7am. not even watching hp and the prisoner of azkaban could make me sleep. or day/night dreaming (okay fantasizing about beautiful boy in japan could make me sleep, or comfortable enough to want to sleep). i mean, who thought time differences were a good idea? where the fuck are my two functioning suns? bastards! off to get me a job, er, i mean, suck some cock, yeah, that's it. (pictures soon!)

"im thinking its a sign, that the freckles in our eyes are just like mirror images and when we sleep they're perfectly aligned"

due to the time change magic of crossing the date line i arrived the same time in vancouver as i had left akayu. the ride to narita was quite somber, but we had mirei-chan along for the fun of the ride. saying goodbye to eiko at narita was so sad. i was crying a bit. i pinkie swore i would be back next year. and this morning, when i met kalin in the airport i just started bawling. even now. i know that it's because im fucking exhausted and didnt sleep on the plane. im totally culture shocked, and its weird seeing loud annoying people that arent only me. presently i feel as if im nursing a broken heart. i was somewhat momentarily over the boy situation, but then he called me via eiko's phone while we were at tokyo station to say, "kioskete ne" and "bai bai". ever since that phone call i have been consumed with a delirious heart sickness. the only emotion that i can honestly feel right now is that of a broken heart. of missing the one you love. of wishing that on the phone instead of saying i would see him next year that i should have gone out on a line and said, "i love you". which is not productive at all. oh the weight of a heavy heart.

"shindou wa ai no messejiii! it's all right.... it's all right"

all i did yesterday was say goodbye to people. i assured myself by telling them i am coming back next year. i hope that next year at this same time we can have another party at yamakawaya to celebrate. fuck, i feel emotionally drained and unenthused to do anything. ill just lie around the flat and listen to orange range all day. minna, honto ni otskaresamadeshita! itsumo tanoshikatta! wasurenaidene! matta rainen. oshoshinoshuuuuuuuu. har-to, har-to, di-chan.

"id go around the world to see you face, but it just aint good enough"

bai bai yamagata shi! i will miss you! i will love you forever! as for ooooookitama! please wait for me? i cant say anything. i have too much to say. so if you're reading this. and you live in ookitama. you know who you are. thank you from the bottom of my heart. xoxo di-chan (di-densha).

"sip my morning tea, but you're not next to me, there goes another day."

[to]
mom 16:25

[subject]
6days!

[body text]
hey mum, im on my last day in sendai. yukes and i are going out for dinner tonight, and then i leave for yamagata tomorrow morning! when i get back i have to pay some bills, cancel my cell phone, pack and ship my luggage to narita airport, and make yoshinobu's birthday present! wednesday through to saturday night i have various going away parties to attend. i spent two hours this morning writing a love letter (in japanese!!) to yoshinobu and i feel so emotionally drained that shopping doesnt even make me feel better (shopping ALWAYS makes me feel better!!) i cant even consider buying a new pair of sneakers to quell my longing heart. im going to apply for JET this fall, and decide next year if i want to come back here to work and convince this amazing man to marry me! that said, im really excited to come back to b.c. and see my friends, spend some time in terrace, and apply for grad school at UNBC. i have to see how i handle being back before i decide i want to be here. yoshinobu aside, i have the most amazing network here, and i want to be able to function more in japanese! xoxo di.

[attachment]
picture of yoshinobu and me!

enter shoe purchase here

[to]
mom 17:21

[body text]
okay, i lied, i just bought a pair of chucks and feel WAY better! o(^-^)o xoxo di.

”ぼくらはいつも以心電信二人のきょりつなぐテレパシイ”

little spoon curry house

im rocking the towel. "my train of thought has somewhat disappeared. im constantly trying to figure out my attraction to よしのぶ (yoshinobu). i was telling jeff on the phone about how stylish and trashy he is, all at the same time. jeff says he sounds perfect for me...and he is, except for the fact that im leaving the country in seven days, he doesnt communicate with me, and i have yet to be 'intimate' with him. its horrible that im putting my entire experience and how i feel about leaving on a stupid boy. i should be more concerned about leaving friends: まりえ、the ささきclan、えいこ、ランディ、マアティン, and ゆかチャン. that is more where my energy should be going...not towards some stupid boy. gaaaa, i hate that i end up like this."


"bokura wa itsumo ishin denshin futari no kyori tsunagu terepashii"
(bad translation: i am always connecting without words, together we can connect through telepathy)

"i caught you out there in the fray, what did you wanna say?"

the 10th. at the kominkon parkin lot. getting ready to carry that fucker around the streets of akayu, getting drunk and dancing, and flirting along the way. my body is stupid achey and i swear i have a bruise on my shoulder. but, as akane said, "this will give you good memories." or the boys that were holding my hand and asked me if martin was my boyfriend, the no-answers leading to intimate moments and just glowing. or my future husband (not the boy that im smitten with!) telling strangers that he was moving to canada next week with me, and then making out in the middle of the street. chatting with all of these boys about their tattoos. singing ozone. drinking till my head was spinning. abandoning the boys as they were heading into a snack bar. falling asleep so fast i forgot to turn the air conditioning off. im tired of saying good bye. i want to say hello for a while. stay a bit longer. be here forever. zannen!

"im in love, now what's that song?"

presently i have my suitcase out and all of the books, papers, and magazines im bringing home sprawled all over the floor. there is so a typhoon inside their entry way. as bec said, "this wont be like this when i get home will it?" nope. im constantly cycling through the ups and downs. today im excited about dancing at celebrities on the twentieth. i still dont have my plane ticket booked. but im relaxed. presently im heading into my fifth day of partying and drinking (not that much, mom!) last night we went to rough roll and got pretty blitzed and then wandered back to ekimaedori where we went to this little shop and had gyudon and miso and daikon no sarada. oishikattadayo! must. keep. packing.

"what would you do if i sang out of tune, would you stand up and walk out on me?"

today ronan, eiko, and i had dinner at 3125. we were early, so ronan sucked some cock and got to play with the turntables.

"its about two am and im lying on a bed in the tasu hotel. my friend has been smoking so the shower to get rid of the cigareete smell didnt really work to wash the cigarette smell off of my body. she was sitting in the chair and telling me the story about when she left new zealand and how difficult it was, and how that i have been here longer and have many more friends and that it is really difficult. i told her that i really like kare and its sad im leaving b/c id love to take it somewhere but cant b/c im leaving! samishine! i hate that i like him so much and i cant fucking do anything about it. right now im stupid exhausted and feel like im dying emotionally and physically. i must go to sleep." (last night)

its not ronan that im smitten with. its this beautiful, stylish, dirty, rural, motorcycle riding, marlboro smoking, facial hair owning, tall, skinny, shaggy hair with bangs, works in a car parts factory, farmer's boy. last night he grabbed my hand and said, "goodbye dear". when i asked if this was the last time i would see him, he said, "maybe", let go of my hand, and said, "see you later". i fucking love and hate the fact that im leaving b/c it gives me time to think if i do want to come back and convince this cutie to marry me, or if i just want to come back for a holiday. melissa is the bomb for reminding me, "just keep swimming".

happy birthday to me!
(well, in north america anyway. my birthday here is over yo! but the partying continues. there's a typhoooooo outside wrecking a windy havoc. no rain, yet. oh yes, oh the rain will come! this is the best fucking birthday ive ever had. soon to be concluded with a second bout of karaoke, more cute boys, and of course, the third night drinking in a row. today we went to a music box/phonograph museum. and ate ramen. last night we had sukiyaki. gmart gave me the best present ever: pictures of myself. uh huh. to watashi no kare no jiashin desu ne! maatin chan, oshoshinoshu ne! xoxo)

"fun fun we hit the step step!"

an excerpt from the email to the girls. dont you wish you could have all of it? xoxo di.

"its sooooo good to hear your words. i feel so all over the map right now and out of control. every song i hear, every smell i smell, and every sensation i feel has this effect of making me feel like i will never feel this shit again and that i will never get this back. even though i want to come back to japan one day, i cant figure out if it should be for one week or for the rest of my life. i feel so solid here and so grounded and just the idea of leaving makes my heart break. it is so much to deal with while i am sleep deprived, dealing with a small cold, and a chronic hangover. i feel so out of touch with everyone and i feel horrible that i havent kept in better touch and kept you more updated. i know that you are dealing with your own shit and im fucking awful for not being more interested in what is happening with you. so i guess this will be a long update as to where i am to hopefully get you up to speed and you will see where i am making my choices and why. "

p.s. saying goodbye hurts.

"speak slow, tell me love, where do we go, a ha"

today after my last class i sat down inside my bosses car. he sighed a tired old sigh and said, "thank you". in another class the mothers were tearing up. they hugged me. consequently, i too teared up. riding a friend's bike on the hunt for bailey's (couldnt find any and ended up with this cheap shitty bottle of coffee liquor that would ONLY be good in martinis) i ripped my pants on the pedal. im eating an entire bowl of these peanuts and rice crackers. which should really be paired with beer. its early september and yet im sweating like its july. its terribly muggy out. there was a chuo kawai no storm today. i gave yui chan my tegan and sara tape from the car. the one i had made jason. now passed on to a 12 year old girl for her birthday. nap time.

"i know, i know, you tried to change things.."

again, im biting my nails. i still wake up with the nauseau of wondering if everything is going to work out okay. ive decided to move back to my hometown. convinced my mom not to paint over the himalayan green in my old bedroom. can you believe that none of the old furniture exists. and the garbage. oh, all the garbage that my now-empty apartment that i no longer hold the keys to yields. i am officially the bearer of bad karma as it is associated with garbage disposal. shitty. being a bit buzzed and tired sucks. i cant believe that to stop myself from crying in front of a student today i promised her and her sister i would karaoke with them. im dying my hair even blacker tomorrow.. im dying to go to sleep.