"sweetness, i was only joking when i said by rights you should be blugeoned in your bed."

the king of teppo machi volume 2. at the art show i submitted to. early february. good night.

judy, jesse, and i do the art show shuffle. pose for the camera girls! the most fun part was definitely my outfit.

boy just called to do the late night bedtime chat. i really have to work on getting to bed earlier. and not picking my face. yes, not picking my face. oyasumi nasai. xoxo.

(format change): a quick thought on body image.

i had an urge to compose this post as being very different from any other post from before. the only consistency is that the post is still about me! i have always seen myself as fat! for the longest time i didnt understand my body. didnt know how to dress it. didnt love it. didnt appreciate its lumpiness. i was taunted in school (just a little bit). but we all know how destructive just a bit of negative feedback can be. so i wasnt very comfortable in my body. and any chance of me challenging that became an effort to be 'fat and proud'. 'im big, im loud, and there's nothing you can do about it!' and all i can now say about that is, "how annoying!!" once, i was waiting at a busstop in burnaby, in the summer. going to sfu. at this point in my life i felt super shitty about myself. i mean i had gained tons of weight. and my relationship was pretty crappy. and i just wasnt feeling too positive. and these guys. these fuckers. they pulled their car over next to me and said, "hey! you're fat!" i was so shocked all i could say was, "thankyou". (how can people be so mean?) yesterday my mum was wearing these really cute pants. spring green cords. with the cutest butt flap pockets EVER. anyway, they were a bit big for her, so i lent her my belt. and lo and behold we're pretty much the same size! and i think that my mum is pretty tiny. and rather than being negative and thinking "im fat" + "almost the same size" = "my mum is also fat". i did this equation: "my mum fits my belt" + "my mum is pretty tiny" - "im fat" + "other friends have also said im not fat" = "hey, im my mum's size....im also pretty tiny!!" talk about making me feel good about myself. boy (im trying to say, "my man", but its proving a bit difficult?) also bugs me saying, "are you being a girl again?" or something to that effect. just graciously normalizing any body issues that may come up when i change my outfit for the umpteenth time, or perhaps put a sweater on when im no really that cold, or pull my underwear up to cover my belly. i love that just by him saying that it puts it into a societal context and reaffirms that there is nothing wrong with me. i am comfortable in my body. i am beatiful. i wear my clothes well. i have awesome style. i am honoured by my own physical presence. i am making positive changes to my physical health. wooot!

"illuminate the nos on their vacancy signs..."

oh boy. oh boy. oh boy. this girl with her heart on her sleeve has been so careful to keep it in. to stay behind the walls. the berlin wall. the great wall of china. the walls that keep my negative self talk up and present and good god always on my mind. and lying in bed. (he was in the shower). my room reeked of desert sweet sage (cleanser). telling myself over and over. i am living a positive and healing life. i am growing daily. i can give and receive love. i can give and receive love. i can give and receive love. applying the positive. we stayed up late. at five a.m. i woke up and rolled over and grabbed him and said, "i love you". i did it. i fucking did it! and im in a good place. i was so wrapped up in my own shit that has to do with me saying it that i just didnt think. can you believe it? i didnt think he would say it back. whether he would or not didnt even cross my mind. i need to love myself. i want to love him. this is the first time ive been in love with someone and 1. not rushed into it (i mean, we've been seeing eachother for 12 weeks or so, and for me to wait that long is a long time), and 2. not felt trapped by that love. that he adds to me, rather than filling a gap. ive never felt this healthy about love before. (and he did say it back. it was 6 am. the sun was just making the early morning a bright grey. he was exhausted. positively glowing. grumbly. opening up. being present. and i just feel so awesome right now. a new door is opening.)

its cold out. and bright. i began riding my bike with a bit more fervour yesterday, and then my dad brought the car over and im going to go home. and nap. and clean my room. and cash a cheque. and smudge my room. and set up some salt. and read tuesdays with morrie. and listen to my new spoon, imogen heap, and jenny lewis cds. i cant wait. the best day for lying in bed. xoxo di.

"i'd like to live where soul meets body"

whenever i type a key with my right hand its about a key over and im spelling all my words wrong. last night was a culmunation of a million little moments over the past week where i didnt sleep. i was climbing into bed, in my sleeping sweater even, and i called boy for our nightly 11pm-ish talk. not so smart when im trying to get to sleep. he told me that his brother died that day. his little, in his early teens, brother. the one who has been battling cancer for a few years. i dont feel like im at that place where i can give him support as a lover. if that makes any sense. i feel that i could give intense support as a friend. i dont even know what he needs. he left me the sweetest and saddest note this morning. saying thankyou for swooping in and making sure he didnt go home alone. but i was up until three in the morning playing that role. the one where i take care of someone, and not myself. i need to go to sleep right now.

"is there room for a public/private mix?"

i have this zit on my right cheek that not only hurts, but its ugly! im sitting at my desk wishing i was asleep in my bed, under all of those blankets (including the fake mink one). im drinking the yummy sun-rype's "fruit plus: essential nutrients, juice and soy beverage" in Berry. its pretty yummy. and im speaking like a child. that's how tired i am. i have done nothing but be exhausted and not sleep enough. i havent taken a new picture with the digital in weeks. i havent been journalling. ive been playing with my faery oracle deck more and more. energizing my stones. carrying around aquamarine today. its properties are here. and fluorite. here. both of them have that mirroring qualities: concentration, communication, courage. things that i need now. my dreams have been vivid. intense. lucid. i have so much to do. after work i'll probably go home and sleep. sleep. sleep. (im going to go for a mini-walk. probably to the corner store. but i need out of my office.) xoxo.

"people thought that they were just being rewarded..."

a whole week. i got the flu. sick. vomitty sick. i drank gin for the first time in a long while. just a little. i smoked two cigarettes. also havent engaged in that activity in a long while. i was on the verge of telling boy that i loved him and struggled and struggled and struggled. and i didnt tell him. instead i freaked out and told him i needed space. which he oh so nicely granted me. i am one of those girls that is all about her relationships. yuck. and in this time "off" (we're still together, just not calling eachother every day) ive tried to settle my brain down. tried to sort some of my stuff out. and ive come up with a few things. one, im too fucked up to be in a relationship with someone i love. just not going there. and i feel that its run its course. and im just feeling weighed down b/c i wont see him in a place to have this conversation for quite a few more days. is this an important thing to post about? i dont really know right now.

on the other hand i was teaching a peer counselling class at a local junior high school on monday. after the class i went hunting through the new beautiful school to find my most favourite teacher ever. the teacher i dropped french for. meaning i didnt take french nine so i could take media and journalism. creative writing. and by not taking french nine i couldnt take french ten nor eleven. and couldnt get into university. and im so happy. because those classes meant so much to me. and he and i sat for fourty-five minutes. and chatted about japan (he taught there too). culture shock. writing. eden robinson. northern landscapes. my master's plans. sarah de leeuw. working. his son and his ardent turn to capitalism. richard brautigan. he kept saying over and over. and glowing glowing. about how honoured he was that i came to visit him. after all those years. im going to call him. take him out for coffee. show him my pictures of japan. share stories. give him something back.

"i am aglow with thoughts of you"

yesterday, after work, i got a massage. it wasnt tough on my back (sometimes i just like being layed into, if you know what i mean), but she did get quite a few of my toxic-knots worked out. which does a few things. first, it made me feel pretty relaxed. second, i know that i store emotion in my body. and these knots represent those stored emotions. for her to work on those knots, remove them, and balance my chakras, i felt really spent after. i felt that i had been in an intense self-discovery session and had hacked out years of emotional build up, and my body was taking it out on me. letting me know that i am exhausted. that ive worked through it. but i havent. maybe because the stresses have been removed from my body i will be more able to tackle that emotion stuff ive got swimming at the surface.

after my massage i walked to the cup and sat with boy. he was reading the ivan e. coyote book i got him for his birthday. making notes as to which passages he wants to read to me. aloud. in a warm, welcoming bed. i told him how during my massage i was so relaxed, so exposed, and so exhausted that i fell asleep and woke myself up with my little snore. and he said that he didnt want to tell me, but everytime i sleep i snore these little snores and always wake myself up with them, then fall back asleep. he said it was the cutest thing ever. and you know what's sick? what's one of those things i never want(ed) to do, but do anyway. and that's feel wholly appreciated. loved. admired. and its so cheezie, but its nice.