coffee stain around your eye

 

I have been on the road since December 7th and arrived back in PG on January 11th or something. Feeling the transiency a little too much and beyond happy to be back, at home, in Prince George.  A lot has changed in my life in the past year. Turning 30 has definitely not been as stable as I had hoped it to be, which is unfortunate, because I spent much of my coping time, doing just that, coping with an emotional and existential life crisis that could've been avoided had I been open to the sea change in the first place. For the past few years I had definitely been living in this space where I had identified what an "adult" life was like, which included stability, community stature, and important employment (as well as a typical type of heteronormative romantic relationship) and struggled to maintain that normalcy that I felt typified "island life" and definitely the old school resource-based community I was living in. The things I needed to learn about myself, my life, and what I want I could not have learned in Prince George. But, I am so honoured and lucky to have the strength and ability to quit my life and throw everything into my little car and head north in the dead of winter to be welcomed with open arms not only by my friends, but also by myself.

Tomorrow Seth and I move into our new house and get to create a fabulous little home together. But still, a lot of my normal things remain, and navigating them is my new challenge (and keeping my new self in the process): work and having a job (what does that mean and do i even want it?), maintaining a marriage from a thousand kilometres away, getting over myself and working at being fit and killing it at roller derby, and rekindling and strengthening some of the best friendships i've ever had. I'm definitely looking forward to all of it. And looking forward to finally detaching myself from the fake identity i have created for myself and getting to my core self, which i know is there and i know what it looks like, but have spent my entire adult life being afraid of and avoiding.