"So I Walked on Down the Line"....and other wise words in the voice of Stevie Nicks.

It's the full truth that this past year or two has been an emotional nightmare for me. I have sat in my car, or in my bed, or on the couch, or even just standing in the kitchen (and once at one of my sister's band's shows) utterly bawling my eyes out because I acknowledged this statement, "I'm having a really hard time". The number of behaviours/things/patterns/feelings I've addressed has been utterly immeasurable and I feel fantastic, most of the time. I feel lighter. I feel more in control of my emotions. And most importantly, I feel like I am getting "better". Battling such epic life stress while also struggling with mental health stuff (anxiety and depression), as well as physical sickness, is a lot.  Up until two months ago I really felt like I was on top of my stuff and then I began to epically crush on someone, which may or may not be going somewhere, who knows, and I've needed a lot of support from my friends/family to sort through all of the epic bullshit I carry around about myself and romance. They have been so wonderfully supportive I am without a doubt forever in their debt. After a specifically torrid situation (where my life lesson is that in fact I have spent my whole life defining my own value based on the person I'm standing next to--romantically--and the attention they give me), I received one of the best teachings I have in a while and wanted to share it.

What would Stevie Nicks say?
"Stevie Nicks would say: we are put on this earth to love, have our hearts burst with joy, have wild affairs with the wrong people, have passionate sex and conversation with the right people, we are meant to have our hearts smashed to pieces, cry our eyes out, beg for mercy, believe in forgiveness, make music, make art, make babies, write, explore, drink and sleep. I think Stevie Nicks would say, "if we put too much energy into being ok with being alone, if we put too much stock in being ok with ourselves, if we put too much value on space--then that is what we get and that is not what we are meant for." (hol+bama)

solid words to live by, i think.


I got so many things I could tell you, If my stubborn mouth doesn't let me down

In the past five days I've spent 24 hours in my car and put 1952KM on the little new ladycakes (1997 golf mkv). Car rides are the prime introspective time for me. It's where I get my thinking and processing done and I put so many KM on the road I'm unsure why I haven't figured out major world problems (like why the Patriarchy still exists). Today in the car I figured out a few things that I thought I'd share.

1. I miss roller derby and I'm going to consciously ensure I do not replace it with something "new" to do, just in case I want to go back to it, some day, some how.

2. Neko Case has a deeper grasp on my feelings than I do.

3. There is something magical about a neon pink sky behind a few hectares of hay fields.

4. Smoked salmon is delicious.

5. I thought my life was already awesome. But the past five days have really kicked it up a notch. Not sure what I did to deserve this.

6. I get to cross 3 things off my list over there!

7. I sang in public on Saturday for the first time in over a decade. It was anxiety fuelling and turned out ok! Pretty sure I'm happy I replaced making music with knitting and other things of much value. Good to know, though, I can rekindle and call upon it if I need to.