"i walk the streets of japan, till i get lost, because it doesnt remind me of anything"

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this afternoon we had a sex and the city type lunch where we ate out yummy cafe deux soleils breakfasts (which have destroyed my body and i feel pretty sick and gross now) where we reminisced of the year that has passed, made our own best and worst lists, and had some good discussions, fought off the shedding of tears (why cant i just let them pour?), and just lounged to our hearts content. so, before i go and get into the shouju (i think that's how you spell it..im not sure, the bottle's in korean you know!!) and the raspberry stoli, i thought i'd make myself comfortable at the helm of cranberry's beautiful fucking mac computer and type my heart out, reflect, muse, and blab about those things this past year that well, either rocked, or knocked, my beautiful socks. happy new years kiddos!! xoxo di.

best nickname acquired this year: d-train (aka. di-densha). many thanks to randy for driving this one home.
worst hangover/drinking extravaganza: definitely without a doubt, the white trash party.
best acquisition (consumer good): okay, so i love stuff, so of course this will be on here, but i'd have to say that the best thing that i acquired this year was either my pair of grey chucks, or, definitely, my hair razor!
best decision i made this year: tie! 1. quitting my job at the english school from hell, and 2. moving back to terrace.
biggest lesson learned: if i wear my heart on my sleeve, it usually means it will be hurt. and badly. so, i cant just run blindly towards people and expect them to love me the way that i want them to. even though i deserve it (the love that is).
best live show: this was the year i probably saw the fewest shows. but out of them, i think ive seen some of my favourites. so, the architecture in helsinki/wolf parade/doctor dog show in artspace (which was a total fire hazard), and seeing the killers/british sea power at the pacific colliseum. extra points for seeing wolf parade at cam's house a week later.
best trip: the last day of my kyoto-nagano extravaganza. we rode from joetsu to akayu. we took two trains and bummed a ride. half way up the western coast of japan (still in niigata) the train was stopped for just over an hour, and we had to use our superb nihongo decoding skills to try and figure out what the conductor was saying, double check with some obachans, run over to the infamous jusco and get ourselves some bentos (of local specialities the obachans later told us), take silly pictures, sweat, and dream of that time we returned back to akayu. my favourite part of that day was when when we were coming back from the coast through to nagai, and you go through tunnels, and incredible countryside. but the windows were down, and when we went through the first tunnel it was so loud, and so windy inside the train, we were all screaming through our hillarious laughter. my hair was a definite mess.
best albums of the year!!: (yeah typical right?) so, my picks are (meaning get out there and buy them dammit!!) MUSIQ - orange range. plans - death cab for cutie. picaresque - the decemberists. haughty melodic - mike doughty. sleeping in the nothing - kelly osbourne. apologies to the queen mary - wolf parade. and..bands/songs that meant a lot to me this year, but didnt really come out this year are...
1. julie doiron and the wooden stars.
2. lodestar - sarah harmer
3. danger zone - gwen stefani
4. the ridiculously hot mix tapes jeff made me that feature goldfrapp, madge, lcd soundsystem, the freestylers ("push up! your body, your body next to mine!!"), and peaches.
5. peachcake!
6. cut copy! - bright like neon love
best bus trip: the 25 hour bus trip home was amazing. i didnt have any music to listen to, and i had a cold, and was emotionally a wreck, so i just continuously chugged nyquil, slept, had feverish dreams, and awoke to some mental clarity, sureness in my move back to my hometown (which is something to not be so happy about, usually), and clear, northern air. so nice
best movie watching experience: seeing the new phantom of the opera in yonezawa. so good.

more later yo!


way off main?

sitting here in the tweedy living room listening to empress and talking about places i want to go to on main, or rather places i should go to...which leads me to google and find all of these places. so, i havent been to them yet, but im excited to. and when i go ill tell you how it went, and suggest to you that, yes, you should go.

1. the regional assembly of text. a store dedicated to letter writing, words, and they have a button maker! (im going to try and go tomorrow yo!)

2. video in. okay, so i cant go there tomorrow, b/c well, it just aint gonna happen. but i tell you! if i had time and actually lived in this city that i dont really want to live in, id partake like mad!

3. blim. place of everything cool. im so envious that im not going to be able to go to the slow dance party! sounds like too much fun (i wonder if we could pull off that sort of party in terrace??)

other fun main street things that are totally worth checking out, that i probably wont.......more time...more money!!

1. urban source. i call this store the "garbage store", but its really a craft store of fun love yo!

2. bodacious consignment. frilly underwear yo!

3. smoking lily. i want it all..
and other places i cant find websites for: hawkers, burcu's, the foundation, the whip, and the green room restaurants. yummers.

p.s. i know that my blog is boring w/o pictures, but i dont have the digital, etc. but when i get the pictures developed, i'll get some up here, i promise..)


"it aint me you're looking for, babe."

im sitting on a lovely tweedy couch. tea in my belly. tea in my bladder. ive been writing a lot on paper. processing emotions. pushing my mum to find herself. if you can do such a thing. my grandma turned seventy yesterday. much fanfare was had. this morning, when i had to leave. i almost bawled my eyes out. back in vancouver. listening to the soundtrack from walk the line. boy #3 on christmas eve delivered. its nice to have my body wanted. desperately. and treated like sexual royalty. very nice. off to drink more tea. eat homemade salsa. and later whip up a pot of lentil soup. did i say that its so nice being "home" with the lovelies?


"so this is christmas......"

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this morning i meandered into my email account, hoping for some mention of meeting up or "where are you?"s from boy #3
(since then we've chatted and we're meting up in 2 hours. i must jump in the shower pronto!!) but instead i received a reply from one of my mentor's, my previous prof, my complete model for the academic/historian i want to be. she thanked me for my evocative words and informed me that she has parkinsons and is now in a wheel chair. and my heart hit the floor. she is embracing help and assistance and remaining strong and warm, welcoming and wonderful. im doubly thankful that i am in the lower mainland for christmas. that i will get to see her when i return from the island. share stories, take pictures. give her as much love as i possibly can. my heart drops because the last time we were together, in person, our dearest friend was dying of ovarian cancer. i just want to curl up and be solaced and find an internal peace. it feels like that its a time full of possibility for me here. that i never left. im learning i have to focus inwards. try to remove those excess distractions. and yet im welcoming more. merry christmas lovelies!


"off to a time and place not lost on our imaginations"

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well, boy #2 spent the night both friday and saturday. we made out like mad on friday. yesterday i passed out so fast (i was very very sleepy) that we barely got any kisses in edgewise. i must say that i really like him but im having issues. he is trying to kick addictions that are coping strategies gone awry. he is currently in the process of being evicted. his being younger than me is surprisingly not the issue. but he's too needy for me. i need someone who can stand on their own two feet (not a project!!) and has confidence and doesnt undersell themselves. someone who has enough wherewithall to get into a group of people and not be shy and really get to know those around me. someone i dont have to take care of. that means a lot. so, what will i do? im driving him to the airport on wednesday, and we'll have a "goodbye". and i'll have to spend the next week or so in vancouver trying to figure myself out. he deserves attention and compassion and love. but i just dont have the energy to give it to him.


"i know im gonna need your medicine..."

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im making mix cds for the christmas party this saturday. and making lists of what to cook (so far we've got pierogies from scratch, hummus-es, salsas, guac, pumpkin cheese cake, and cream puffs). setting up times to decorate the house with christmas decorations. sewing jackets for presents. staying up late with boy #2 watching garden state. holding hands. getting tingles. wanting to jump him in my bed (he spent the night). but not feeling comfortable. he has a guard up that is so understandable and validated. we've decided to not decide where our relationship is going until after we both get back from our xmas adventures. i wont be able to do it unless that wall comes down. i love boldly, blindly, and well. i need someone to do the same.

excitement is heating up for my soon to happen trip to vancouver and vancouver island. just thinking of seeing my sister makes me weepy (we're going to have so much fun together!!) and making plans with friends. wanting to get some fake nails. adventures with boy #3 (oh, sweet sweet adventures!) are anticipated. just downloaded a bunch of sufjan stevens. interesting fellow. i have dirty teeth from orangina and popcorn. im feeling empowered yet having an ugly day. i hate that i need someone else to validate my existance. yuck.


"when things got too rough, i promised you we'd leave, you're safe and sound with me."

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new ballet flats! $17 keds! woot! my dad even commented on them after i returned the car to him at 9 in the morning. "nice shoes. get some sleep." uh huh. late night.

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yesterday jess and i had an early day together. we went thrift shopping and fabric shopping for xmas presents and i spent an armload of cash. but at the store we saw these mugs. and she bought the starship one.

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mmmmmmm. samosa salad from the hot house. jesse and i sat there for around 2 hours. kieran showed to eat with us. we drank copious amounts of chai and coloured pictures and talked about boys.

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last night sam had a ping-pong tourney for his birthday and it was a ton of fun. whilst somewhat chaotic, we all got along, much swearing was had (despite the sign that said, "no fucking swearing on the court goddammit!") and definitely, definitely!!, performance enhancing drugs were consumed. but they didnt enhance performance.

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winner's circle! sam and dustin. dustin won. winner of the harling cup. but i got the prize for all of my help (re: making the round robin table and being the official coach of the evening!).


"i came to get across to you"

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last night boy #2 and i had a quick short talk when i drove him home at 2 a.m. basically this wonderful boy is a lot smarter than i gave him credit for. i asked him where we were at and he said that he thought we were just dating, which is fine by me. especially because there should be no rebounds. his example was mine from boy #1. which is very very smart of him. he knows i still like boy #1. and is being careful.

today is payday. and i got a $50 christmas bonus from work. which isnt a lot. unless you consider the fact that i work for a non-profit organization (read: charity). i went and spent a bunch of it already. i bought this purple cardigan.

hey, so i got distracted with getting ready to go out. and didnt finish this post. but i've posted it from the previous time. i swear i had more to say.


"there is a road that meets the road that goes to my house"

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ive had a realization! i have problems with intimacy! i mean, this is so exciting. i feel like ive pinpointed my main reason for boy craziness and not being so willing to pursue any single one of these boys in a way that makes me scream "long term relationship". i mean, even boy #1, right now i dont really feel like creating a relationship with him. i have also come to the understanding that my experience with boy #1 has led me to have issues with intimacy. i was so into him and i so go too into it too fast and thought it was too good to be true. and you know what? it was! i put my fucking heart out there on the line. gave this undeserving kid a terrible amount of attention that he didnt even appreciate and had my heart stomped all over. and i cant even let him in anymore. and you know what? im having problems letting other people in too! im losing my ability to run towards people with my heart on my sleeve. and that was the part i loved the most about myself. that part! the part that just blindly loved everyone (within reason!) she's gone. and im exhausted. im not sleeping enough at night. and tonight im going to spend some time with boy #2 who works until 11pm. and i have to work in the morning. but i havent seen him since sunday, well, i dropped an avacado off for him at work yesterday. was that strange? i think i creeped him out. but then, later, he said it was okay. fuck, why has this blog turned into a blog where all i do is talk about boys. i hope that the sweet sex i will be having with boy #3 will satiate me whilst in vancouver. and then i can come back and attack boys #1 and #2 in a healthy manner. not just driven by this body that hasnt had an orgasm with somebody since september 2004. where's my prize? xoxo.


"if heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied..."

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im boy crazy. and i feel silly for that last post. so ive deleted it. but, im currently chin deep in this boy-craziness. thus the listening to death cab for cutie. and explaining some predicaments.

boy #1: boy that i wanted to meet before i came home. the one i got on with over halloween. the one that i am pining over. all the time. the only way that ive been able to deal with the fact that he "just wants to be friends" is for me to put my guard up. and now every-single-thing he says to me i assume its a personal attack of some sort. so i just harass him and lay on the sass. i cant seem to let that guard down and so even when he says something complimentary to me i assume hes attacking me for some reason. we cant have a regular conversation anymore because all we have are these little bits of competitive dialogue. and its bugging me because i just want to scream at him and fight for myself. just rip my heart out of my chest and run towards him. and maybe im seeing everything as an attack because i cant, im not willing to, admit to myself that perhaps i do want this kid in my life. in a terrible way. and fuck no! im not willing to settle for just friends. and that if he and i were together it would be perfect. and i could just climb back under that fleece blanket, trace my finger on his tattoo, and bury my face in his beard. right now that's what i want. but im just not so good at fighting for myself. bah.

boy #2: boy that ive been seeing recently. we made out at a party on friday. and there's no chemistry whatsoever. and i think that im using him as an outlet for my misplaced energy from boy #1. and rumour has it peoplet think we're a couple. and he brought it up on saturday and i was too drunk and stoned to answer properly and just said, "can we talk about it later?" and then now it's later and i had an opportunity, and the onus is on me. but i didnt do it. i didnt initiate that conversation because i dont know what i want from this endearing, wonderful kid. and that perhaps no matter how much i joke about liking the younger set, its actually a lie and im really wanting an older partner. and i just for some reason cannot put any energy into this boy. i cant psych myself up about him. and i was excited for a little bit. but then this morning woke up and decided i had to end it. put it back on the friends track. and it gives me a lot more insight into situation with boy #1 and where he's coming from. but i still dont know why he wanted to "just" be friends. (okay, talking about boy #1 again, that's smart. i should learn to keep it in its own section...see how much my mind has been on this!?) this is obviously left unfinished and i hope to be consumed by my work this week so that i dont really have to deal with this.

boy #3: the beautiful boy in vancouver. the one who writes me love letters. and has asked me to stay with him for a few days while i am in vancouver. and says that he'll cook for me. and increase his muscles to show me. and practise his english conversation so he can speak to me. and be the man that really wants to see me. and its just frivolous fun really. but he and i have serious chemistry. ridiculous. so i think im going to stay with him on christmas eve. now that sounds like a ton of fun. the wheels are in motion.


"we made love on the living room floor, with the noise in the background from a televised war."

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i was being super narcissistic today and taking pictures of myself at work. we're almost moved out of the building. tomorrow is moving day afterall. and i got to come home early. i saw new boy today, i was with my mum, and things are a little akward in that just starting to like someone stage and you're just waiting for someone to make the first move. the first kiss. the first pass. that tense stage. the stage i have a love/hate relationship with. just kiss me dammit!


"i will wait for you, as long as i need to"

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yum! sugar cookies!

i dont know where to start. i dont know what to handwrite into my journal. i dont know what to put on paper with my typewriter. i do know that sometimes i feel on top of my game. and other times my teeth hurt. and im lonely. but only mildly. probably because im bleeding. my bestestfriend here is so good. i cannot get over how wonderful he is. or how much i love him. and that i want to spend the rest of my life with this man. i just will not have sex with him. and he's not for an open marriage. but the cuddling is taken care of. i feel like im rambling and these thoughts arent for you to know. but im sharing them with you anyway.

ive been thinking about the "boy i like with an alcohol problem". alot. and i think that i really like this guy. alot. and that i have a big problem with his reliance on alcohol to "delete" or "numb" his problems. and without pushing his problems aside, because i think it must be validated that he does have these hard, shitty, awful situations in his life, and that while i don't think he is coping well, he is coping. and knows that he is reliant on substances to make himself numb. and "feel better". and that he has to change. and when i talk to him on the phone. when he's sober. he's so bright and lively and i just want to run and find him and tell him that i want to give him my attention. but im not willing to touch someone with a drinking problem with a ten-foot pole. but then i dont believe two things that conflict: 1. that people should change for a relationship. if you cant do it, you shouldnt (but alcoholism is NOT good!) 2. that someone would change, make themselves better, for me. i feel silly giving this wonderful. creative. fun. loving. cute. generous boy an ultimatum. where do i get the right to tell someone what to do with their life? i just dont want to get into this because i do like him so much and he's still drinking to get rid of his problems and i become a crutch. or that he does stop drinking and then i decide that i dont like who he is and dump him and then he gets upset. or i become attached and he dumps me. and on. and on. and on.

or maybe, as a wonderful friend gave me the splendid and solid and great advice today, i should call boys quits for a while. im turning into that teen girl squad girl with her "i have a crush on every boy". and i do. i wear my heart on my sleeve. so much so that i sewed a red heart on the sleeve of my hoodie. you know. just get the point across.


"mr. postman, do you have a letter for me?"

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this evening we had a bunch of beautiful people over for dinner. i made baja baked black beans, plain and fancy cornbread, spinach salad with maple sesame dressing, walnut/cranberry brown rice, and yam fries with rosemary and whole cloves of garlic. it was delish. two friends brought desert: blackcurrant/coconut squares, and cream puffs with strawberries and kiwis (both homemade!). we rounded out the evening by singing some songs, and then playing cranium. it was neat to see how my friends would interact with eachother. i think that i like social experiments like this a lot more than i do parties where everyone knows eachother. i like to see who can step up to the plate and meet new people.

im a little cranky today and in a strange mood that is indicating im feeling crabby towards boy. and probably only because i know i cant have him. and especially today im feeling like i want a partner. someone to be intimate with. not sexually per say, but just someone to "be" with. and i hate that. i should be happy with just myself. there's this other guy that im starting to like more and more, but right now i just dont know if i have the energy to get involved with someone who has a lot of issues (re: drinking problem) that can definitely be worked through, and i can just see him reaching out for someone, attention, validation, meaning. and i just dont know what to do. how to respond. its a little iffy right now. and im bagged. so im going to turn off my decemberists cd, clean my labret out, and go to sleep. oyasumi nasai!


"if you've got something that sheds some light, use it tonight."

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today i wandered around with my camera. it's like my daily photo essay. this is from my driveway at 9am this morning. before i went to work.

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my keyboard. we have a lot of fun together! right now my office is moving to a new building. hurrah!

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standing on the old bridge looking across the river towards town. a few years ago they replaced the wood deck of the bridge with a slotted metal one. before in the winter the snow would accumulate and accumulate. and b/c the bridge is still one way and run on a light. and the light is on a timer. it would take forever for the vehicles to cross. it was a nightmare.

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today is the international day for the elimination of violence against women. we've started the blue ribbon campaign. we're tying ribbons around poles in town. one ribbon to represent a person who reported a domestic or sexual assault to the rcmp since the start of the year. this year our stat is 150.


"with a face that would topple tidal waves"

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i sewed a red felt heart on the sleeve of a hoodie a friend gave me. b/c that's what i do. i wear my heart on my sleeve. and harbour crushes. like grudges. but crushes. for example: when i was in my first year, first semester at SFU i was still living and loving (to me this was the best time with my partner. i mean, i felt that i loved him so much that i was confident to go out into the world and meet people, amazing people, and not cheat. im not saying im a cheater. but it's an important fact and impression of where i was at that time) my partner. that semester i was taking some great classes, and one of those was a special topics archaeology class on northwest coast aboriginal art. and it was lectured by one of my favourite profs in the world, alan mcmillan. so in this class was this cute, non descript guy, who was thirty. wore "regular" clothes. jeans, t-shirts, v-neck sweaters with stripes in the middle. had scruffy short light brown hair. these intense green eyes. wore a canucks cap all the time. and sneakers. he was super skinny. but looked clean. like a "good guy". anyway, not the point. the point is that i was attracted to him with blind abandon. here he was this older, darker, scruffy, already possessing a degree in anthropology from carleton, and back at sfu to get into the museum studies program, which was, and is, now defunct. loved hockey. beer. being outside. his family was from kitwanga and we would talk about living in the north. first nations self determination. aboriginal art. cedar. weaving. he would drive me home after class and we would talk about freida diesing, or about metaphors regarding getting older and not knowing where you were going (his best example, courtesy of his father was, "you're just holding onto the stick a little too tight and it's messing up your game. just loosen up a bit and focus on the whole game, not how you handle the stick." or we'd talk about shows we had seen. wanted to go to. and he lived in new west by the hospital. and i lived on eight, by the skytrain station. and he'd drive past his house, weekly, at 10pm at night, to take me home.

okay, now this is where i think i went wrong. i felt so in love with my partner and so content with my life that the humungous crush i had on this lovely fellow was wasted because i didnt have 1. the confidence to think anything would come of it, or 2. the thought that he was actually worth dumping my boyfriend for when i had worked so hard to keep it going. then today i was mulling. like i always do. about this wonderful man i met who on our last day of archaeology together gave me a book. cedar . all about cedar. and basket weaving. and traditional ways of gathering it. i remember everything about that moment in my life. the squeaking of that rubber flooring in SFU's south aq. the echoing off of the ceiling. that horrible lighting. and him pulling the book out of his oh so sensible black messenger bag and handing it to me saying that he was in a used book shop and he saw this book that i had been talking about and that i had wanted it because i really like cedar and weaving. and i graciously accepted. being too innocent. naive. inexperienced to realize what was actually going on. and the book. it was mint. it didnt have the price pencilled in the front of the book. no nicks. no scratches. new. so nice.


"id like to rest my heavy head down on a bed"

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this is the sunrise this morning. at 8am. ridiculous. so gorgeous. and a little chilly. three degrees. but its not as cold as it should be. there is no snow now. and my huffy breath comes laced with the words, "global warming". another young woman has gone missing up here. on the highway. by someone she knows. its not sure. but it has rocked the community. bctv news flew up here today to cover the story. im wearied by work, but i love the being busy. saw harry potter and the goblet of fire. enter complaints here. whatever. i just want to have my back cracked. get naked and jump in an onsen. like the one in the middle of the rice field in akayu. i miss that one a lot. have someone kiss my headache away. that hasnt happened in a while. i miss that a lot too.


"but its thoughts like this that catch my troubled head when you're away when i am missing you to death"

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when i was in grade eleven my two best friends died in a car accident about a ten minute walk from my house. they were hit by a drunk driver, who was on probation, who was being chased by the police. whenever i have to get out of the "main" part of terrace i have to travel through the intersection where they were killed. the cross we erected (im not religious, but someone who we knew chose it as a symbol) is still screwed onto the telephone pole on the north-west corner. every so often someone still leaves a floral effigy. i havent left an effigy in years. by leaving town so shortly after their death (about two years later) and not actually realizing that i hadnt healed from that traumatic experience, i find my days weigh heavily. im not constantly bombarded with memory of them. memory of their death and the time around their death. most people here that i meet know that they were close to me. these people dont ask questions. ive had to recount the story for someone. and its conjured up a lot of feelings that i thought i had dealt with. and im more and more reminded of my loss. my inability to cope. i want to move on. when i played the transformation game it was suggested that i "lose my attachment to moving on". to live is to suffer.

im learning to play some new songs on the guitar. its a nice distraction. im liking iron and wine's cover of such great heights. another sad song. i sorted some of my mom's old buttons today. they're sitting in chinese food dishes along my window sill. my mum told me a story about a peeping tom that was once peering at her through the back window. warning me not to leave my blinds up, like i always do. so she put them down. theyre not metal or plastic. theyre white fabric blinds. bed time. xoxo.


"when the snow falls this november, i see you and me"

i was just sitting in the blue patterned lay-z-boy chair we've got in our living room (it doesnt match the decor of anything in our house) eating dinner (which consisted of super watered down five alive juice and a bowl of basmati rice with some feta, dill, a grated beet, and a grated carrot) and i was lamenting to myself about how i had a very exhausting day at work today and all i want to do is either a) go relax my muscles in a hot tub (the local pool's is closed and will reopen soon), b) take a long nap and cuddle with someone (not necessarily boy), or c) cry my eyes out, go into hiding, stop eating, and never come out. this my friends is what we call vicarious traumatization. and then it got me to thinking, "hey, i havent said, on my blog, what my job is!" thus, my job is the "Stopping The Violence Counsellor and Coordinator" at a local agency. my job is to counsel women who are fleeing or are in abusive situations/relationships. i am a facilitator for their healing. the other side of the job is that im all over public relations/education/awareness around issues that relate to violence against women. right now we're gearing up for the national day for remembrance and action on violence against women. which is a busy busy time. and today through friday im doing full day training on Supporting Survivors of Sexual Assault. it makes me tired. and cranky. wanting support. and oddly, lonely. im going to go lie down and knit or something to relieve this bad energy. ive also been planning out lots of my essays in my head, the creative writing truck is moving on, and im just waiting until i get paid so i can buy a new cartridge for my typewriter. uh huh. xoxo.


"funny how i found myself in love with you"

all over the emotional rollercoaster. i just want to turn around and say its because i got high. which is nice. i like the babysitting/pot trade. very nice indeed. started snowing today. knit more of my scarf. ate so much food (before the smoking of the pot) and it feels nice because ive spent the last three weeks being so stressed out about boy and about job that i didnt eat. and lost weight. must bust my lazy ass. and eat more. i like that equation better. did i mention it was snowing. cuddling with mybestestfriend (who needs a pseudonym) has been wonderful fun. ive gotten to a point in my life where i am (re)forming these amazing relationships with those closest to me. ive never been so close to someone in my life. my reasons for loving those around me here have doubled, tripled, quadrupled! and listening to talk talk. does it get better?


"these are not my people, i should never have come here"

its getting cold outside. im working full time. ive begun listening to the winter blues music. the martha wainwright. the julie doiron. the decemberists. the joanna newsom. the young and sexy. the endless, countless, bottomless cups of tea. with a bit of honey. the daily consumption of yams. yams as fries with sesame seeds. yams mashed with lime juice. always with salmon on the side. fleece blankets. cold toes in my fishnet stockings. dancing at the redneck bar in thornhill. my mum's friend's band. they covered k-os and fleetwood mac. going thrift shopping. singing death cab for cutie with my mum at our friend's anniversary party. playing the transformation game with friends and discussing our strengths and our paths and all crying while we grapple with our abilities and inabilities regarding coping and healing and finding our true selves. having my tarot read and not realizing that things are coming true on either side of the cards. that im a little slow in seeing these events play out. and my reactions. crush on boy has waned. he initiated a "lets be friends" talk. which was painful. and well received. yesterday was the first time i felt completely like myself with him. and that's after i realized that it wasnt going to happen. still acting like an idiot and ignoring him when he looked the best ive ever seen him. having a fitful sleep trying to eradicate him from my brain and realizing how much shit i didnt get to say or deal with yesterday so it constantly played itself out in my sleep. coughing fits. semi-ok sushi. making new connections with clothing stores to sell my designs. planning out art shows. discussing canvas. buying powder blue wool pea coats at the thrift store for seven dollars. listening to michelle shocked. knitting. genmaicha.


"and in my dreams we're careening drunk down the streets of my hometown"

well, i just wrote the cheeziest letter to the local paper calling on local politicians to try and involve those in their twenties. yawn? nope. all cheeze. i had a final tagline of "inspire us to remain in town, inspire us to come back to our home" or something lame like that. and deleted it. im super exhausted and am going to go downstairs (im housesitting at my dad's. he has a crazy parrot and i swear the house is haunted) and perhaps practise some songs for a benefit im singing at on saturday, and go to sleep. i need my beauty sleep for tomorrow because i have a second interview for the job that i really really really want. and then im going to craft (and draw) up a storm, go on a hot date with all the moms (i love hanging out with the moms) to see some local musicians, and sleep some more.

tonight we watched baraka. i found it interesting that the way they portrayed japan i had never thought of japan in that way. or negatively anyway. i mean, sure there are lots of people in japan that go through train stations, etc. and they "all look the same". so lets edit to a shot of a bunch of baby chickens in a processing plant. hey, they also "all look the same" and get their beaks cut off so they cant attack eachother, thus creating passive chickens that follow the group and dont speak up. maybe its annoying me because its true. or maybe its annoying me because it's so old and japanese culture is obviously deeper than that. grr. xoxo.


"i went out into the night, i went out to pick a fight in canada"

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last night's local all candidate's forum. woot!

today i woke up in someone else's bed. the second time in three days. im going to be brutally honest and say that its actually kind of weird. it feels too good to be true. i mean, i wanted to meet him before he knew i existed. and now this is happening. and its just unbelievable! he's initiated everything. which has been even nicer. we sleep the same way (tuck the feet, flip the pillow, fetus position, back to back...i hate cuddling when i want to sleep!!) and i dont feel silly telling him that i am a canadian history nerd who just wants to be a writer. because he is a writer. it's nice.


"we didnt start the fire"

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someone get me a fucking ark. pile on the unicorns, the monkeys and all the alley cats you can find! oh man, bring on that flood! (yes!!) xoxo.


"i always thought that if i held you tightly, you'd always love me like you did that day"

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the wax-leaf-crayon columns i made yesterday!

i finally got a solid ten to eleven hours of sleep. last night a friend came over and we ate copious amounts of junk food (well, just a bit) and crafted. i started to work on my costume. presently ive got the bodice done and am just doing the skirt. hey, i have a crafting blog. i should really be talking about this there. okay, anyway, im excited for the halloween party tonight. friend brought over tons of accessories and will be going as my husband. we're going to be mr. max f. ginsberg and mrs. maggie ginsberg. too fun! pictures tomorrow. i promise. off to sew! thanks for making me feel better. xoxo.


"i wish that i knew what i know now, when i was younger"

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we carved more pumpkins!

im up late tonight doing research on women and violence and coping strategies, etcetera, to get prepared for my interview tomorrow. im really nervous that i will not get it. to the point of being super stressed out and almost being on the verge of tears whenever i talk about not getting the job. i will definitely have to create some tear-enducing situations later this evening so i can bawl my eyes out and get it out of the way. i just ate a bowl of "insta-udon" that had japanese on the outside of the package, and korean on the inside. very interesting indeed. but i added some fresh mushrooms and it didnt taste too bad. i started writing. we've pulled the typewriter out so i can write some more. ive been crafting a lot and just stressing about the job to the point of being non-functioning. i mean, i can only knit so much to deal with the stress (especially since ive already used up all my available wool). and i kinda started biting my nails again. so i had to go paint them to stop the biting! okay, and a little bit of boy talk. its not a gush sesh, but just want to say that im not feeling really supported in regards to my liking this guy. i mean, on one side im being dissuaded of telling him i like him (i only met him a week ago), and that he doesnt like me (he had a date the other night), and my own personal dissuasion of "why would anyone like me? im not attractive at all. im poor. a bad conversationalist. and just ugly." i hate feeling like this. bleck.


"jealous of the rhyme and the rhyme routine"

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yesterday went hiking with my dad. it poured all day and stopped the moment we hopped out of the car for the two hour hike. i felt so alive afterwards. came home and made cds for a party on saturday (my number one passion i think, well, aside from sewing, i did some of that too). its the first installment of the lookalikes. the kids and i should really get that off the ground. tanoshimi!

1. track 01 - from a punjabi mix pat made me years ago.
2. somebody told me - the killers
3. helicopter - bloc party
4. deceptacon - le tigre
5. track 3 - kelis (from tasty)
6. change clothes - dj danger mouse (the grey album)
7. little tragedies - hawksley workman
8. 5/4 - Gorillaz
9. hungry like the wolf - duran duran
10. crabbuckit - k-os
11. this charming man - the smiths
12. dead disco - metric
13. rocorotion - orange range
14. pump it up - missy elliott feat. nelly
15. bowtie - outkast feat. sleepy brown & jazze pha
16. rebellion (lies) - the arcade fire
17. stop acting like you know more about the internet cafe than i do - peach cake
18. track 02 - from a mix cd randall made me
19. one thing leads to another - the fixx
20. 12:51 - the strokes
21. shake your dix - peaches
22. i am my father's son - wolf parade


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the face of a narcissist. normally i wouldnt post a picture of me like this. the pouchy cheeks. the zits. the fatigue. smudged makeup. moustache. but, oddly, im liking this side of myself more and more. i call it my "cooked all day and promised to make someone a hallowe'en costume tomorrow after i work (coffee shop), and then come home and edit my dad's essay for his program (provincial instructor's diploma), and catch up on reading (george stephanopolous's political memoir), maybe begin my hallowe'en costume (1950s housewife dress), and hopefully, hopefully get some action from the boy im crushing on" face. cranberry says that boys are just coming to me left right and centre. if i can follow through with this one (since neither of us are going anywhere fast, as in moving to another town, city, or country), then maybe, just maybe, she'll be right. and then i'll give her a gold star.
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yay! hallowe'en pumpkins! we had a carving party!


okay, so i said i wouldnt post, but pictures are always welcome..

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walking north, looking west, on kalum street. right by monarch cable, i turned to my mum and said, "yay! a picture of the ugliest street in terrace". we went and bought groceries (read: apricot scrub and tofu).

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my mum's kitchen. i made curried potato salad. and then my mum made rice pudding with caramel sauce. welcome home!


"this is fact not fiction, for the first time in years"

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so, hot date got the stomach flu. and i havent seen him at all. and im so boy crazy. all i do is consume my thoughts with the fact that i didnt get to see him at all. totemo samishi desu ne.

leaving this city is more difficult than i thought it would be. i went to a friends transformation party tonight and it was great to catch up with the people i used to go to school with, work with, and party with. kiss cheeks. hug. take pictures. and talk about how all i really want to do is give head like a lesbian. it was really nice to be surrounded by people who think that i have become a different person. i was told that its not like im completely different, its just that the diandra "that we love" (awe, shucks!) is all that we see now. that im not hiding anything back anymore. im comfortable in my own skin. it was really nice to have people pick up on it. especially when i think of myself in that way.

i have been unable to get any of my stuff as of yet, and its a little discouraging. in the morning i will go get a bunch of cds, and fun stuff to take back to terrace......look at me go on and on about useless shit. what i really want to say is this. im realizing more and more how much i am actually on an emotional rollercoaster. this sucks, and i hate that i cant figure my shit out, and actually write good concrete essays and get it on paper. im not digging deep enough. i feel like im not able to do what i want (yes, so selfish i am) and im getting more and more annoyed of people who are asking things of me. so, im, um, kinda going to give this baby a hiatus. think of it as the end of "season one" and in about one month or so ill be debuting with "season two". im trying to get a little away from the internet and sew a bit, find a partner with a beard and a belly, and just cuddle with my mom. is that too much to ask?

p.s. for all of you in vancouver that i have seen and spent countless hours with. countless mugs of tea. jokes about the whalley ring rash (not the face!). tips on crafting. letting me share your beds, flats, food, and showers (and singing to sarah harmer in bed!!). buying me scones. geisha martinis. and loving each other and always, ALWAYS, coming out, thank you!

oh my, ten minutes later, updated to add: he called! we're meeting tomorrow! my shitty fucking day just got a million times better! iiiiiiii!! xoxo. (the boy below is not aforementioned crush boy).

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"i just cant look its killing me"

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eden. brie. me. yesterday in victoria.

doubling on a motorcycle. dreaming about moving to montreal next year. sewing myself a pair of green velvet underwear. altering my hoodie and adding images of both pierre trudeau and garlic. dancing at both mod night and the boom boom room. watching the daisy duke booty shaking contest. really thinking a boy is cute, awesome hair, and the worst shoes ive ever seen. being boy crazy and staying up late talking about being said boy crazy. coming back to vancouver. the longest fucking ferry ride in the world (you'd think id be used to it by now). a sore jaw from singing. laughing. being jovial. sucking cock. eating a tuna melt. with broccoli soup. that's after we talked about vomit and how the soup reminded me of vomit. wasting my day pass. running into someone from highschool. talking about how much we want to move back to terrace and how fun it will be. sucking cock. being silly. seeing british sea power tear some shit up. thinking that im way cooler than everyone else at the killers show and not getting into it. realizing im being even sillier and that, well, i cant try to be too cool. im at the killers! (awesome show by the way. his heart blazer. enough already. i loved it.) running past throngs of the evil "slow walkers" along renfrew. teaching the girls bits of japanese as we were catching our breath. sauntering into 7eleven and whining about how i want a sandwich and just settling on orangina. always settle on orangina. being a little more boy crazy and nervous about making an ass of myself infront of silly crush tomorrow. please please let him be the answer to my make out drought! xoxo.


"and then you put your arms around me and we tumble to the ground"

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so, its really late. just got back from watching april snow. actually, that yon sama is kinda cute! (dont throw eggs at me puhlease!)

i was asked out today. it was nice. its the first time in a while that someone likes me. and that i like him back. why does it always happen that i have potential with someone after ive decided to leave. dammit.

"six oclock already i was just in the middle of a dream"

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hasting street. today. its still wet and grey out.

saying goodbye to this city is difficult. there are people with beards that i just want to rub my face in. and kimchi. and people who want to eat kimchi with me and do stupid shit. but, at the same time its still really depressing and gross. everytime i see brie my day just lightens up. yesterday we had breakfast together. she's got me wanting to apply for my master's at concordia. im all over the map. emotional rollercoaster. tonight we're going to see april snow with yon sama. oh yeah. xoxo.


"show me how you do it and i promise ill run away."

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pile of books behind the counter at albion. a few weeks ago.

this city is damp and cold. everything i own has just absorbed all of the moisture from the rooms in this house. i ate the first of my turkey dinners today. with the homemade cranberry sauce (with orange in it! yum!). and just, fuck, im so full. im sitting here looking at my belly and its just...wonderful. last night these two fabulous women i know had a house warming party, potluck style. we cooked up a storm. and drank even more. ki and i ended up going to this house party at our friend's house. just to, you know, be more drunk, maybe find more alcohol (which we didnt, but, outside the biltmore at 2:30am we were encouraged to buy jamaican patties out of the back of a jimmy. which we didnt). turned out, when we showed up at this house party wolf parade was playing. they were in town playing with arcade fire last night, and some how ended up at our friend's place and played for about an hour. after i was walking around and trying to catch the members of wolf parade for playing. at one point i was standing on the porch, its about three in the morning and one guy walks out, i say thank you, and he says, while hugging me, "hey, thanks for coming, when you're next in montreal, lets get together." too funny. my favourite part was all the hipsters dancing to nelly, snoop dog...after. and getting in this argument with this hipster girl that not everyone knows this one snoop dog song. it was a riot.


bad haiku

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thoughts of warm skin call
and pull my roots from the ground
this home is not mine;

two day bus trips north
this home is still mine, but how
the golden route calls;

islands nestled in
an ocean willing to, keep
this boundary between.


"i watch the sun go down and up again and think of you"

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all hail the 22!

were listening to cut!copy trying to get our tired lazy bodies ready for a night of dancing our faces off. super long break between my classes today and i ended up going to the vag(ina). and there was really nothing happening, they're in between exhibits right now. i wasnt about to spend ten dollars on two closed floors. i sat in the gallery cafe though. and ate pumpkin pie. and drank two mugs of coffee. wrote eight pages in my journal. shocked myself really. i was wearing tinted earrings and this girl who worked in the cafe commented on them. and a girl at work. their earrings rock. you should really buy a pair. plug. plug. plug. my tattoo, who will now be known as dango-chan, is really scabby and itchy and a pain in the ass. but i love her. and her scabbiness. and no, im not picking at it. fuck, im tired. (ive deleted the boy talk that was going to appear here. yes, you're welcome.) xoxo.

updated to add, at oh, i dont know, 2:30am: it was so worth the wait to see cut!copy. they were really nice and their accents were incredible. they even gave us a free promotional cd from one of their dj sets. mr. little italy (b/c of his beautiful little italy sweatshirt) is my new celebrity crush the one on the left.


"maybe not from the directions you are staring at"

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yay! discarded dishwashers!

so, quit the dodgier than thou english school today. spent my afternoon flirting with a boy, and getting paid for "making conversation". im garnering a crush on one of the guys i work with. he said my "five minutes to get out of the door pulled back bangs hair style" was fabulous and was singing "pretty woman", but replacing the "woman" part with "diandra". im so silly. pulling shit from everywhere. and again, everytime i see a japanese boy, my heart breaks. ...


"im full of love and longing"

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self-portrait, modern furniture store.

right now im reading "sarah" by jt leroy. the book is about this kid who likes to dress up like a lizard and sell his beautiful womanly body in trucker's lots. im about half way through, and all it makes me think is, "i want a boyfriend". its raining in the city. bleck.


"there's a war inside of me, do i cause a new heartbreak to write a new broken song"

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im so drained of energy. i wanna sound so tough and say, "yo foo, it didnt hurt at all", but there were moments when it fucking killed. and the aftermath is pretty shitty. there was this guy there, who i have now dubbed drama queen, who was just about to hop town to move east to toronto for school and work. and we chatted away. he was terribly cute. i guess he knew the girls at electro and was getting some handwork done before he split. he described his knee tattoos to a potential customer as being so painful he "wouldnt get touch ups" and he had to "walk up the stairs with effort". if you want to see actual pictures of the tattoo, a little bloody, go here. she actually turned out the way i wanted her to. (p.s. thanks sasha!)

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"maybe things are getting better, maybe im just scared"

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today i slept off my delerious fever until 1:30pm. watched television. walked up to the store. 7eleven still smells the same here. smells different in japan. watched more television. ate amazing curry from thai away home. worked more on knitting cables. watched more tv. burned some cds. im going to the store. deep and delicious mc cain's cake calls. does it not? xoxo.

(p.s. what's up with the "black family" on the amazing race? isnt that some sort of BAD move by the selection board. i mean, there are all these other white families, and the only family that is black is actually named the "black" family. its just so bad! )
(p.p.s. just got back from the store. went to a greasy spoon and got wonton instead. but, guess what? the black family lost. hm?)


"id like to talk to you, id like to let you know..."

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last night i was knitting this scarf, practicing my cable stitch, and i started to feel so ill, and was blaming this wool. i felt like it was an allergic reaction and put the wool away. but i woke up this morning all sick and shit. all day ive been sneezing and cloudy because my sinuses are so buggered!! im working at this dodgy english school, but its okay. im getting paid cash, though my hours our shitty. i really should get a second job. im feeling even more torn about being back. tossing around this dream job working in terrace, and then applying for jet (im still going to!!), but where i will be next summer is messing with my brain. i think i just want to feel settled. and as of yet i dont feel that japan will be a settled place, but when i was there i didnt really put effort into staying...blah blah blah, im just going in circles when i just want to say, i miss the boy so much. bleck. i had dinner with some japanese women tonight, so much fun, getting to speak japanese and talking about boy. okay, my gucky head is running in heart sick circles. i really need something more interesting to talk about. xoxo.