i'll be a thorn in your side for always

I am so utterly, wholeheartedly, and genuinely exhausted. 2014 has done everything Georgia Nichols promised it would be a multi-year window of flux + change. How much of it is either existential breakdown, mental health/anxiety, or just being exhausted and unsure I do not know. But it's even more exhausting. Why can't I just be one of the normals who's ok with mediocrity? Mediocrity rules, right? It's like I'm so tired that I consider this my "year-end" and I have two more months left, ugh. 

I considered this blog as good as dead. I mean I have time for nothing. I *should* be lying on my back on my yoga mat willing my pinched shoulder to loosen itself up. I'm always running day-to-day thriving + surviving hardly having/making time for taking care of myself or processing. It's like people who start urban gardening or a new workout regime or have to see a nutritionist or want to heal some resurfacing trauma, you make a journal of all the things you're learning of the things you're doing different, but what if you don't even have time to find a fucking notebook to write in? I can't even make time to find a notebook to write this shit down in! And, I'm learning so much, I want to meaningfully document some of it. You're welcome in advance. This shit is good as gold.

1. Same old bullshit: take care of your physical health. And I don't mean in some fucking white background health blog sort of way. Who has time for that, really? First step is sleeping more, drinking water, listening to my body, sleeping (I've started taking melatonin to force it and kill the anxiety and praise the baby jesus it works), addressing health problems one-by-one (rather than all of them together). I put "get exercise" in this one. Today I cut 20 cabbages in half. That's my exercise for the day. No pressure. No expectations. Get through the day feeling better than the day before. I got to this point where I was taking so many supplements + vitamins + prescription drugs (for things) that I got sick of taking pills! It's kind of what happens when the natural remedy is diet change + more than a dozen vitamins a day. So just get better so I don't have to take so many pills. Makes sense, right? We'll see. I've been so ill for so long I sometimes don't know what will make me feel better, you know? (Except yoga, the answer is always yoga).

2. Take care of your mental health: If I can't make up my mind or think I have to make a decision about something or have a feeling about something that I can't reconcile my go to answer is "go to sleep". My new go-to is "take rescue remedy" (new to me!). After that, "make a decision tomorrow". "let it go to voice mail". Say no to pretty much everything + stick to the basics. Have a bath in tears + epson salts. Nothing is more important than taking care of myself so I can be in the world without anxiety + stress. I heard an interview with Gloria Steinem where she said women were depressed because they aren't angry enough. So get angry + do something about it.

3. Feminism (is the answer): Having a frame to understand how systemically fucked up the world is is so handy. Being able to make life + business decisions BECAUSE OF FEMINISM is the best. We say no to things all the time. We see the complicity and the complexity and we refuse to back down. My job is hard + exhausting + challenging but feminism gives me the tools to do it well and with intention. #thankyoufeminism!!!

4. Men who brew beer in the north are the fucking best. The beer family sees itself every so often and they are so kind + welcoming. Having events that include or are about beer are the best. Any idea + beer will be successful. I promise. 

5. No one gets any piece of the pie. This is a lesson to learn the hard way. Get excited about bringing other people in and realize that the relationship building needs to take way more time (not just a few meetings or lunches or emails). After that relationship is built, move forward in a good way, but take the fucking time to do it. What you have built and own and run is not worth the headache of some douche canoe taking advantage.

6. There are so many beautiful + supportive activists and feminists on the internet and they congregate on Twitter and often they are white men who are tired of other white men's bullshit and they take less space and women and POC rightfully take that space. It's a world where white feminism is seen as shitty + land rights are the most important. I'm grateful for this community to spread the messages of decentralizing and deconstructing the system.

7. Do things other than the internet. Please.

XOXO

Tripping through the door...

I'm genuinely the luckiest person in the world. I am constantly giving thanks for the splendid, wonderful, and full life I have right now. Constantly pinching myself. Repeatedly being ok with how things are going where I'm going who I'm going with. 

Exactly a year ago I was in the worst place. My marriage was officially over. I was in love with someone who said I was crazy and fabricated the whole thing. I was extremely poor and running out of the food I had stored. The house I lived in was infested with mold. And I hated myself through and through. There was a point where I was TWO DAYS from giving notice on my place and moving back to the island to live with my family. I honestly thought things wouldn't get better, that no one would love me, that I was the worst parent ever, and that I would never love myself and even if I did, what the fuck would it matter. The store wouldn't ever open. I wouldn't be able to deal with my debt. That all the shit I taught myself about myself via my shitty marriage, fat shame most of my life, the self-harm, the codependency, the anxiety/stress, the depression, it was who I was and nothing would ever change. Ever.

I wish I could say magic happened. Or that the universe FINALLY listened and gave me what I deserved + what I was working for. Or that I worked so hard good things happened. But all of that is bullshit. I really don't know what I'm doing (specifically). I really don't know what I did (exactly). And I really don't know where I'm going (probably). Before 2012 I had spent the past 20 years of my life lying to myself that everything was ok. That I was ok. If I just kept going and pretended nothing was wrong then nothing WAS wrong and I would be OK. There are major parts of my life I have blacked out on. Who really knows what happened or how I handled things if I even had the agency to do so. And how much of that has been a driver in all the mental health shit I've slogged through since 2012, really. 

What 2012 to now (and the last year in particular) has taught me are a handful of life lessons that I will carry forward with me as I navigate situations, build and maintain relationships, and make good decisions about my life + my kid's life. Most importantly, I learned them by looking into myself, letting my guard down and opening up to my friends, and seeking professional help. Lots of feedback, lots of support, lots of different outlooks on who I was as a person and who I needed to be (and how to get there). I learned that I'm not an island and that I need my family ("real" and created) to heal, survive, and be stronger. My decision to come back to PG and be with my PG family and "follow my dreams" was one of the best decisions I've ever made. 

This calendar year it has been my intention to be vulnerable. To go out of my comfort zone. To take risks. To do things that scare me. To choose a different path. To be my own person and figure out who that is. My overall hope is healing from the past shit and move into the future with new skills for coping. Over the past few weeks I've had a number of dreams where the lesson has been about me trying my old coping mechanisms and them failing and having to try new ones (which work). Cheesy I know, but one of them was a zombie apocalypse dream--fun!!--and they were telling. It's time to do new things and figure out new ways of being. The future is good. The present is wonderful. Keep going.

All of this is actually preamble for the big reveal of this blog post: I'm not applying for a PhD program + I'm not leaving PG anytime soon. (BOOM). Inside me for a long time has been this desire to feed the nerd beast inside me. I LOVE SCHOOL. I love research. I love writing. I love DISCOURSE. We all know my MA ended in shit (fuuuuck) and when I told people I wanted to pursue a PhD, lots of people were like, "but you said you would never!" But I was excited! I wanted to do the work (I still want to do the work) and I wanted to support communities to build food sovereignty! So this past semester I took two classes, maintained an A- GPA, and even published a paper. But I hated it. I skipped classes. I disdained everyone. Repeatedly I said I couldn't wait for it to be over. I struggled to make it a priority. And I learned my lesson: I can't "do everything" and if I want to do school I have to JUST do school. I'm good at it. I should give it my all. But I don't want to give it my all. Fuck the system, really. The industrial academic complex is too much for me and I see it as something that needs lots of work. I don't want to feel like I always have to fix it and I'm not prepared to spend all that time and energy on something that I can't change. And I'm not willing to change ME to fit. sorrynotsorry. 

Part of my story is that I am always afraid to put down roots and I'm never willing to really be myself in a place. In this moment I really feel like I can be myself and Prince George is my place. I'm falling in love with the most amazing woman I've met in my entire life. I am building a business and community with the bestest friend a lady can ask for. I am taking better care of myself. I am being active. I am making good choices for myself. I'm having so much fun. I still don't know if I want to put down roots here and my swan song of "I will only live there for a year" will turn into at least a few more. I still want to be a farmer with my sisters and have land and baby animals to love and vegetables to grow. My decision to stay in PG means the long term projects I've wanted to work on here can and will happen, which is exciting. In the words of my sister, "the roots go down and the life comes up." I know it's cliche whatever, but I'm ready to put down some roots and grow my life in this place and with these people.

So this happened.

I'm so tired.

epically terrified.

I wrote this article for the Shameless Mag blog about the dissolution of my marriage. You should read it. I've read it a hundred times. The last paragraph still makes me exhausted and teary. I'm super exhausted right now and am retreating even more. I'm so so so so honoured to have so many wonderful supportive people in my life. Not sure I could do this (life) without them. I know I couldn't. I'm working through a laundry list of 22 things to sort out mentally/emotionally without much urgency. Giving myself time to 1) not process everything 2) be in the darkness in an accepting and loving way towards myself 3) not feel pressured to make every bad feeling a good feeling or every bad situation a good situation 4) to be courageous to love others and myself more authentically/epically/truthfully 5) trust myself that I make good decisions and can make more good decisions and will continue to make good decisions.

Played derby last night. The Con's weekly rituals came to a close and I was happy to get out there and skate my ass off. I've come so far and feel so good. I didn't fall very much and continued to feel incredible shame about how physical I am in this game (and how many people I just fucking bulldoze). I need to figure that one out (add it to the list).

Lone Star

well, in these parts, mercury retrograde is in full swing. it's been nothing short of hell but now that i'm 10 days in, i'm feeling steadied and ready to enjoy the next 10 days or so. this year MR has really had an impact on me so i've decided ever so slightly to just embrace it and enjoy the magic. also to not give MR too much credit. then i can survive so much better. what is it about MR, though, that even if it wasn't my frame of reference it just mirrors all the fucked upedness going on in my life right now: broken car x 2 (i might park it?), iphone in bleach water (rice totally worked), strained communications with certain people, financial fuckery, increased anxiety, not getting to all the stuff i wanted, moving exhaustion, blah blah blah. i'm starting to channel this crazy energy into mind bending work and have been practicing detaching my ego/emotional self from situations, being more resilient, and having some self actualizations that i will wait until after mercury retrograde to bring to fruition.

i get really down and hard on myself when i have a bad day. i have such an expectation of myself to have good days all the time that by the time i realize i'm having a low or bad day i'm too depressed or exhausted from crying that i have a hard time pulling myself out. part of this is my re-realization that i'm incredibly co-dependent and am now committing wholeheartedly to learn to be more interdependent. this is probably the most unexpected life lesson i'm having this year. and it's hard and exhausting and full of emotion, but as i chip away at the block of codependency and learn to leave that shit behind i feel so much better.

i did a reading last night and one of the cards spoke about denying myself my own creative energy / pursuits and it's twisting my energy in negative/bad ways and impacting a certain situation specifically. creativity is really important to me and i've been so "busy" i've gotten away from the things that make me feel better and have forgotten to make time to *do* those things. i'm also getting better at surrounding myself with people i love and am excited to have a full dance card this weekend, a mix of in person stuff and skype calls. i need to remember i'm awesome and awesome people need to be alone sometimes and that i'm awesome alone so that i can be awesome with other people. XO

think about the blood that's pumping keeping you alive

autumning from di.jw.5 on 8tracks Radio.

FUCK MERCURY RETROGRADE.

I spend most of my time split between manic diandra and depressed diandra. My life lesson right now is learning to just find one clime of emotion and stick to it. I have a feeling 2013-2015 is going to be a disaster of sorting myself out to get to this emotional stability I yearn for. Meaning, I don't get to be in that space just yet. Sure, rationally I could just give myself that emotionally stable space and take it. But I have very little idea how. So instead I vacillate between manic and depressed enjoying the up and crashing like fuck. Blah. I'm actively working on it asking for support from myself, my friends, counselling, and the universe. The process sucks today because I am in depressed diandra land and thanks to Mercury Retrograde I will probably be like this until mid-November.

The confluence of MR and depressed diandra is utterly the worst. In a real sense so many parts of my life are in disarray (finances, work, home, emotions, love, connection) and my resiliency gets utterly tested. It kind of takes *everything* for me to keep it together. I have a few strategies to keep afloat and this is me publicly committing to them!

1. give people their space. spend more time with myself. wait until the darkness passes and reconnect.
2. stay physically active. more bike rides. more yoga.
3. get out of my comfort zone a little bit.
4. don't spend any more money
5. actively do the things I have committed to do (move houses, GIRLS article, blog post for shameless, grant applications x 2, HSH stuff)
6. stop freaking out
7. don't make anymore commitments of any kind until it passes

Fall is here and winter is coming. Looking forward to growing through the next few weeks but fuck I cannot wait until it's over.

"We went looking for love but we might have to make it up"

I rolled into Prince George about twenty minutes ago from just over fifteen hours on the road from Victoria. I have made the long trek to Victoria countless times since I moved back to Prince George almost a year ago (!!) strictly because people I love are in Vic. Probably the most comfortable people I have in my life. I also have people I love in Prince George (which is why I moved back here). Also in Terrace. Also in Port Alberni. Also in Toronto. Also in Montreal. Also in the US. Also in Vancouver. And pretty much every other random reach of the province of BC. I'm a lucky lucky lucky girl. My people, my friends, my sisters, my brothers, my network are so incredibly invaluable and patient and supportive. For many many years I felt like I was a shitty friend. I didn't have good friends so I didn't know how to be a good friend. But then I started meeting kindred spirits and bosom buddies. Friends I just call my sisters because it's easier. Friends that I want to be invaluable, patient, and supportive for. They're my lifeblood and without them I wouldn't be me. So there's that.

Every time I go to Victoria I drive home and without a doubt bawl in the car eventually because I realize that I'm leaving the love in that city behind and travelling so far.  Just a month ago I bawled in the car on the drive and the following day sat in my car (and then my bed) and cried for two hours. Heaving, guttural crying. But today I didn't cry!! And I don't even feel as sad as I have in the past (so probably hopefully won't cry tomorrow). I know I'm coming back and I know there will be arms to hold me and things will be great.

There was something about driving up to PG and seeing the glow and rolling down the window and it didn't smell like ass. I'm happy to be here. So happy to be here.

 

"So I Walked on Down the Line"....and other wise words in the voice of Stevie Nicks.

It's the full truth that this past year or two has been an emotional nightmare for me. I have sat in my car, or in my bed, or on the couch, or even just standing in the kitchen (and once at one of my sister's band's shows) utterly bawling my eyes out because I acknowledged this statement, "I'm having a really hard time". The number of behaviours/things/patterns/feelings I've addressed has been utterly immeasurable and I feel fantastic, most of the time. I feel lighter. I feel more in control of my emotions. And most importantly, I feel like I am getting "better". Battling such epic life stress while also struggling with mental health stuff (anxiety and depression), as well as physical sickness, is a lot.  Up until two months ago I really felt like I was on top of my stuff and then I began to epically crush on someone, which may or may not be going somewhere, who knows, and I've needed a lot of support from my friends/family to sort through all of the epic bullshit I carry around about myself and romance. They have been so wonderfully supportive I am without a doubt forever in their debt. After a specifically torrid situation (where my life lesson is that in fact I have spent my whole life defining my own value based on the person I'm standing next to--romantically--and the attention they give me), I received one of the best teachings I have in a while and wanted to share it.

What would Stevie Nicks say?
"Stevie Nicks would say: we are put on this earth to love, have our hearts burst with joy, have wild affairs with the wrong people, have passionate sex and conversation with the right people, we are meant to have our hearts smashed to pieces, cry our eyes out, beg for mercy, believe in forgiveness, make music, make art, make babies, write, explore, drink and sleep. I think Stevie Nicks would say, "if we put too much energy into being ok with being alone, if we put too much stock in being ok with ourselves, if we put too much value on space--then that is what we get and that is not what we are meant for." (hol+bama)

solid words to live by, i think.

A List

I've allowed myself to get distracted by something and I'm mad at myself. I've been in a funk. And starting to snap out of it. So, I'm making a list of all the shit I have to do to wrap it up and get going on being more awesome!

1. Get a Job
2. Buy a YMCA membership via assisted membership
3. Make it through RDAC Nationals with a smile on my face!
4. Stop eating shit that makes me feel like shit
5. Get Seth into daycare
6. Take over the world with Laura
7. Go to every single roller derby practice

Pretty sure that's it. I can do it! PS here's some pretty pictures!

coffee stain around your eye

 

I have been on the road since December 7th and arrived back in PG on January 11th or something. Feeling the transiency a little too much and beyond happy to be back, at home, in Prince George.  A lot has changed in my life in the past year. Turning 30 has definitely not been as stable as I had hoped it to be, which is unfortunate, because I spent much of my coping time, doing just that, coping with an emotional and existential life crisis that could've been avoided had I been open to the sea change in the first place. For the past few years I had definitely been living in this space where I had identified what an "adult" life was like, which included stability, community stature, and important employment (as well as a typical type of heteronormative romantic relationship) and struggled to maintain that normalcy that I felt typified "island life" and definitely the old school resource-based community I was living in. The things I needed to learn about myself, my life, and what I want I could not have learned in Prince George. But, I am so honoured and lucky to have the strength and ability to quit my life and throw everything into my little car and head north in the dead of winter to be welcomed with open arms not only by my friends, but also by myself.

Tomorrow Seth and I move into our new house and get to create a fabulous little home together. But still, a lot of my normal things remain, and navigating them is my new challenge (and keeping my new self in the process): work and having a job (what does that mean and do i even want it?), maintaining a marriage from a thousand kilometres away, getting over myself and working at being fit and killing it at roller derby, and rekindling and strengthening some of the best friendships i've ever had. I'm definitely looking forward to all of it. And looking forward to finally detaching myself from the fake identity i have created for myself and getting to my core self, which i know is there and i know what it looks like, but have spent my entire adult life being afraid of and avoiding.

well you ask yourself why you're so afraid

The car is 90% packed. The house has less of my imprint, but you can still see me in the piles of boxes and the random stuff left behind. Our new roommates move in tonight and in two weeks I will pick stewart up from the Ferry and we will go to the Okanagan for the holidays. I'm going to spend two weeks in PG. Hopefully to do job interviews, participate in a craft fair hosted by Laura of HOME SWEET HOME, spend some time with friends, and unpack my car. I'm surprised by how much, yet so little can fit in my little car. It's truly disappointing.  To top it off my life is a little crazy and unseeded, I'm sick, and I'd rather go to bed right now but have SO MUCH to do. First thing, load my iPod(s) and shut this computer down and put it in a box. Oh, and make dinner.

(this past week I made sugar coffee scrub and lotion bars with teen moms at the local alternative school. gonna miss those grrrls).

 

i knit a hat!

Here's the project link from Ravelry!

For whatever reason when I put my hands in the woollens box to pull out a hat to wear on a cold day, well, there was not a single hat in the box. I know for sure I've given two to Holly, but if you troll my ravelry projects page, you'll see I've made a gazillion hats: where are they all? (I have one, but it's ill fitting, though warm.. but at this moment I don't know where it is).. Why do I live my life in such crisis? I'm not good at settling down, being super organized, and knowing where my stuff is. I'm looking forward to having dogs next year to force me to be home, be more oriented to a home-based routine. It's probably my biggest challenge re: my mental health. I'm so trained to be an extrovert and out there pleasing people with a smile on my face, but at home I'm so scattered. I saw a headline from a newspaper article about me and a colleague who I admire and love to death, but the headline was "giving their lives to help others". It's not like it "struck me" but it's a good reminder to recoil inwards a little bit and find work that satisfies me, rather than some idea of helping other people all the time (and sacrificing myself). I'm doing a lot better at not being a bleeding heart, and my vicarious trauma is zilch to none, and I'm trying to take less of the emotional side of my work on, but it's hard, and it's stressing me out, often.

Anyway, back to the hat. I got this beautiful yarn from my step uncle last year and knit it into a hat over the last two days. LOVE IT. I'm so excited to live somewhere with snow in less than 2 weeks.

my eyes betray me.

in 3 minutes i have to get up and change my tights, flat iron my bangs, reapply my liquid liner, and throw on a new derby shirt and head out into the night to do lay-security at the local toy run dance (biker central... wait, drunk biker central). i'm looking forward to screechy women and sexual harassment. should be a good time.
the last few weeks have been interesting. i'm waiting to hear about an opportunity and am working on some list items and kind of want to pull my hair out. it's settled WE are going to be farmers, FOR SURE in 3-5 years from now. But WTF am I going to do between this minute and then? I'm pretty sure i don't want to be in the mainstream workforce just to have a "job". I want to work hard at work I LOVE. but i also want to make money. and be "in my skin" as it were. OH, and play some roller derby. HARDCORE roller derby.
OK time's up. Started watching Lena Dunham's GIRLS. It's the best.