friday night's show. rough roll.

choconutsu. first and last show. they were so cute and nervous and wonderful.

it was so packed! we were sweaty!

tomodachi. tomo's voice kills me. and the adachis. damn!

jason and tomo
jason and tomo singing a sheryl crow/kid rock duet.


yamagata-shi. looking south from the 24th floor of kajo central. just after we ate a chinese dinner. my first time eating shark fin. and yonezawa beef.


"im looking in on the good life"

sagae. i teach here now on wednesdays. while i was waiting for jason to pick me up this non-japanese man on a tricycle-like bike with a big back basket looked just as shocked to see me as i him and said, "hello!" i didnt say anything of course. i was off my rocker. other gaijin. what a strange sight!

taiki kun
taiki. he drew a big picture of doraemon. we were translating our names.

jason's leaving soon. i have so much of his stuff that it kind of feels like we're moving in together. kinda. but, when packing and cleaning and sorting and scheming, we dont fight. i usually fight. and get sulky. moving sucks. but all the new furniture to abuse for the next 4 months! oh yes!

"following you in the mall, watching the way you stall"


yusuke is my hero. he generously took the kanji i want for my tattoo ("ori" the first mora of my last name, which means "to sew" and "to join together", used in the names of most sewing techniques and fabrics) and drew it on the comp, in his beautiful style! i love it. im going to see if i can save enough money and research tattoo places in kyoto. though i doubt ill get it done on that trip. so, for you kids in vancouver, who should i get to do my tattoo (or, i mean, who did your tattoos?? do they think kanji is lame? well, tell me someone who doesnt think that a six inch by six inch kanji on a shoulderblade as being lame and i will get my tattoo there...) yusuke: we love!

tonight two of my students (eiko and yoshinobu) were dears and took me out! we went to the ninth floor of the park hotel in nagai and ate a ton of food and drank to high heaven. this place was the classiest place ive been to in japan. i took a picture of yoshinobu (eiko says he looks like jesus) drinking his 1,200yen brandy. on the rocks. but promised not to post it. oh well, ill keep it on my keitai for viewing pleasure if you want to see it. oops, i said i was turning this lady OFF!


"i was happier then with no mindset"

yakuza manga i found at the laundromat
yakuza manga i found at the laundromat
i found this manga at the laundromat. it was about the yakuza.

im feeling really possessive of "my japan". im not wanting to share this experience with anyone right now. which, is really strange. ive had quite a few lonely months. a few months of enjoying it, and wanting to go out and have fun, and share my experience. now i just want to hog everything, revel in it, because it will never be like this again. i wont lose this part of myself when i go back to canada, but i will definitely not be the same person, and will have to meld my japan self with my vancouver self. dont get me wrong, im so psyched to get back to vancouver and do the show, etc. just i wont be able to bring the people back with me. the experience will have to include hindsight, post-reflection, and an understanding that my time here in japan (this time around) will be past.

to do, june 28th-july 3rd.
1. do my lesson planning for this week (week ends thursday).
2. all of my july scope plans, for all five levels, and create plans for parents/students.
3. tidy the fuck out of my flat.
4. work until 9pm both the 28th, and 29th.
5. move furniture from jason's flat on the 29th.
6. the "company" going away party for jason on the 30th.
7. the "lets drinking at izakaya" with jason and martin on the 30th.
8. jason's live show on the 1st in yamagata.
9. work all day on the 2nd.
10. white trash party on the 2nd.
11. have dinner/late lunch with eiko on the 3rd.
12. do all of my brautigan drawings on the 3rd.
13. shut down my computer right now and not turn it back on until the 3rd or 4th. yikes. have a good week kids! xoxo di.

"you gotta get gone, you gotta get going"

doug and the lantern
doug vs. the lantern. lets camping!
tank firework.
this, my friends, is a firework!

as i was saying, its very difficult to stop spending money. its even more difficult to say "no" to jason's offer to go camping, drinking, and blowing off fireworks (that was one cherry he popped. lit my first firework! yes!), especially when he pulled out the "come on, you have to come! im leaving in a week!!" so, off to nishizao park we went! there were all these campsites, and these ponds, and a killer amount of mosquitos, ants, and BULL FROGS. we played word/topic games (ie. go in a round and say the names/types of fantasy creatures, song lines, etc), drank beer and shouchu (sp?), and ate tons of food (pork, veggies, hot dogs, potato salad, chips, yummy! then totally wasted (kinda, i was more dehydrated than anything), after dark, maybe around midnight we went on an adventure to light off fireworks over the lake and to walk to this playground with a MAZE and this massive SLIDE that had rollers on it so you would go super fast! fun. but a little scary. we saw a grave (why is there this big gravestone at this campground), and had doug freak us out with ghost stories. for example, the workman story for nishizao is that one worker fell off of a structure they were building a few years ago, and twisted his leg up and bumped his head and is a little crazy, and he wandered away and is in the bush somewhere and comes out to chew your leg off. and he makes a thumping sound. then, there's the true story about this girl who actually went missing in the park last year, never to be found (!!). or ghost stories about kaminoyama. i forget this ghosts name, but its a woman who had her newborn baby on her back and was cutting down rice stalks with a big knife and accidentally beheaded her baby, and in shame and sorrow beheaded herself too. doug "says" that at night sometimes her ghost will appear on the small roads between rice paddies and those that see her will crash their vehicles and die out of fear. very inaka. very interesting. tomo also told me about the yukionna, who, when you are freezing to death whispers to you, "yuki atatakatai" ("the snow is warm") and will lull you to your death with promises of warmth.

we woke up this morning around 7am (jason ended up passing out on the ground, tomo put a sleeping bag on him b/c she couldnt get him up to come to the tent) to "rainy season" and its been pouring like it will never rain again, all day! and its hot out, and muggy, and you dont even want to know how bad i smell from bugspray, campfire, food, and muggy rain. off to have a shower, listen to the cd that amanda b. made for me, and read the letters/magazines that carly sent to me! i mean, i finally got my official faghag membership card!

softcho? hmm. 
revolution on haida gwaii
bodacious yay! for press!
do as i say. oh dan! we heart you!


"i want to be reckless but im feeling so uptight"

oh yes oh, yes, we're bad.
the smoke pit with the shitty food. the lighting makes us look so beautiful. kinda. たのしかたですね!

im doing really bad at the trying to isolate myself and trying to curb my expenditures. i have to learn not to order beer when i go out. the gumption for my trip to kansai (intensity in 6 cities: tokyo, nagoya, kyoto, nara, nagano, joetsu/niigata) has started. the planning will begin. and saving of money for said trip has to happen faster. dammit!

(p.s. sorry for all the blab about the crushes earlier. i feel not so heart-obsessed right now. but yuka and i decided this evening "men are sucks!" and "lets rimming!" oh, tanoshi!)


"there's no blame for how our love did slowly fade"

joel vs. his students.
dj jh vs. the highschool student
this evening i met up with joel for a quick round of pop melody. he ended up running into some of his students that were terribly cute, wearing sweet pants, and sneakers, and i swear, i have no age-dar.

i find it funny that i never intended this blog to be the repository for me to talk about my attempts at finding a new partner (whether its just someone to date), yet i feel that all i actually talk about on here is my love-torn self. so, with that said, i feel like i am now standing at a fork in the road. down one fork is the crush that i either a) think i have no chance with or am b) being silly about b/c perhaps he likes me too and we should just get over it and make out. down the other fork is a crush that ive had for a while which will, once in a while, bubble to the surface, and distract me. neither fork has more promise than the other b/c im just so horrible at reading these situations. but, today i found myself getting angry at the existence of fork number two b/c, right now, i just want to put my galloshes on and march down for number one and hope for the best. and, equally, im getting frustrated that im letting all these boys distract me. this is for several reasons. first, that they're boys. i never thought it would be so difficult to find genderqueer. secondly, i have a copious amount of art to produce and yet, instead of doing it, all i do is day dream about the situations that will arise at the end of those forks. thirdly, that even my lack of self esteem is getting in the way, and when i even consider that i could have to choose between the forks, i just dismiss that notion as silly and falsely conceived. b/c in my heart all i think is at the end of those forks is rejection. and as ive been reminded recently, if i dont put my heart on the line, then the rejection fantasies are definitely self fulfilling.


"dont look at me that way..it was an honest mistake"

show's poster

jason's contract is over in one week! that is a major time landmark for me. it means just less than four months to go. that makes today four months to go. so much time, yet so little time.

when i said below i was off people, i forgot to say that i wasnt off of martin. its very difficult to rid my life of him, so ive decided its just better not to. he told me where he was born (born slippy kiddo?) and when i said, "please change the subject" he brought up crush. again, the big brother i wish i always had, and now that i have him, remember kids, be careful what you wish for!

give alex the love. terrace peeps suck.

today i saw a sticker on a mini-van that said "samurai in car" with a cut out of a samurai on the sticker. looked a lot like those "baby in car" stickers. so funny.

red suns in summer are bad omens here. they indicate earthquakes and mushroom clouds. today i saw my first red sun. no earthquake yet. maybe ill have some shaky confidence to update you with in the morning.


"that's how we do it, you've got your harmony"

hot hot heart
i was doodling these hearts while talking on the phone with jason and msging my sister.

ive might be imposing some sort of isolation upon myself. i dont really want to see people. im going to hopefully hangout with jason this weekend (because he is leaving in just over a week, and needs help cleaning his flat) but other than that. i honestly dont want to see anyone.

"friends and family looking into my only hiding place"

i feel a need to fill up space on here to validate something for myself. i find that writing on paper isnt so fulfilling anymore because i dont really want to keep my thoughts to myself. rather, id like to see how they get me into trouble. or out of trouble. or perhaps help me actually "find myself". recently ive been thinking that i havent actually found myself. that im still the same emotionally inept person i was before i came here. that i may have found my creative and constructive self (the one that has many projects on the go and wants to be a writer, an artist, a historian), but i am no way near finding that part of myself that has "grown older" from this experience.

so, what do i want to figure out for myself? ive never really been a goal oriented person (i mean my one goal, to go to art school, was curbed by those who didnt think art made money and going to art school would be a waste of time), but i think its time to start. i need to get my emotional priorities in order and maintain my mental health. this is all stuff that i want to achieve and that i have to work on:

i have to stop seeing myself as totally fabulous which is just a foil, a cover, a decoy for the fact that most of the time i hate myself. i honestly have to believe that im fabulous and not let anyone rain on that parade;

i need to begin to trust those that i have a sexual/relational interest in. i cant trust them now, particularly b/c im constantly of the mind that they arent attracted to me, and that bugs me b/c im not willing to put my heart on the line. and this then leaves me "fucking up" and not wanting to call the person i want to call all the time;

i have to stop thinking that garnering an eating disorder is a good thing;

being in japan as someone who just graduated university and "finding themselves" is a total cliche. i have to begin thinking out of the box i set for myself in regards to my fulfillment of this cliche;

i really need to become more confident with my being queer. especially when i dont identify as either gay, lesbian, dyke, or bisexual. just queer. i need to stop worrying that i will be excluded from some inclusive queer club;

i need to rely on myself more for contentment and stop looking outward for people to make me feel better.


"the furnace is burning, but its still cold i think"


updated to add at six in the morning. i cant sleep. its hot out, already. and my neighbour, she's up weeding her garden. i feel like such an idiot. that i totally over reacted and now i dont know what to do really. where to go with all this. i feel sick from lack of sleep. and my jaw hurts from clenching my teeth in worriesome sleep. bleck, i feel emotionally disgusting. and shamed.

updated to add at twelve in the afternoon. its hot out. sweaty gross hot. i decided that i dont want to sleep on my bed anymore, after spending most of the evening sleeping on the futon in the living room. so, ive created a princess and the pea situation in the bed room. about the above im feeling more relaxed about it, but i still feel like a complete idiot. a complete cunt. a selfish, useless fool. weak weak weak. why did i have to react the way that i did? probably because i had been drinking. was overtly disappointed in myself. and regardless of my trying to convince myself to let it "slide" i just couldnt. now i feel that ive just fucked things up when they were going so well. i just feel so immature right now.


"somebody put me back in school, i forget everything i used to know, how to leave the boy behind without having to watch him go"

sousuke and randall with guns
sousuke and randall. playing shooting games. it was actually really hot to watch them concentrate so hard on killing people in simulated environments. i blame batman.

god hates japan
from douglas coupland's "god hates japan". its only available in japanese. the copy this picture is taken from is a present for a friend. i still will be buying my own copy before i leave.

puri kura
okay, so its hard to take pictures of puri kura. i really need to get a hold of a scanner for this. and my keitai sucks sometimes, hence the nice bit of table on the left. oh my oh my i love doing puri kura. a narcissists paradise.

in this booth we could make ourselves darker. rather than being supa-white.

last night we went to see batman begins. i am not really into batman. but i love action movies. recently ive realized how hot they actually are. batman begins had me buzzing from start to finish (though they did remove the nipples from bale's costume). and i exclaimed many a time, "really, who needs porn after that?" and christian bale isnt so hot. but, cillian murphy, woot! (see beauty here, and as dr. crane) yeah, id call that a crush. bah, im horrible.

im more intrigued by the idea that lately ive been finding violence sexy. i dont mean beating someone up, and that, woot, domestic violence turns me on. that type of violence is not cool. actually all violence isnt cool. but for some reason when freeman's character was talking about the weapons and the harnesses, and then to see the pleasure on bale's face, and to know that he will look damn fine while using them, it was a total turn on. i dont wholly blame batman because the first time i remember violence/weapons being sexy was in a trailer i saw for bad boys 2. and there's a shot like this picture and it was hot hot hot. i dont even think that smith is attractive. so where does my fascination with weapons = hot = lets sex! come from? i dont want someone to use a weapon against me. i dont want to use a weapon against someone. that actually freaks the shit out of me. maybe this idea of having this power and it relying on this amazing weapon. and that maybe i want to have power. or more likely, have someone take power over me (weapon free). hm.


"take off your things, listen"

my badger friend
my badger friend.

karaoke kids
melissa, dave, and i. karaoke. her hat is HOT!

yusuke, sexy bitch
yusuke slays me. i cant deal with it.

i hate having a valid, bonafied crush. i pick my face more. i find my insecurities. i feel like i eat too much. i feel ugly most of the time. i make uncomfortable phone...... wait, scratch that. its about 30 minutes later. i feel good. though my head hurts and my body feels like shit from last night. the highlights of the evening were: 1. seeing melissa's beautiful underwear; 2. the japanese guy who said that joel was bobby brown ("my bobby!") horrible; 3. the japanese ladies that were taking my picture in the ramen shop at two in the morning; 4. scissor sisters vs. george michael. you just gotta have faith!; 5. yelling "sumimasen" really loud in the ramen shop, thus embarassing martin (dont i always?); 6. yusuke and i being narcissistic and taking the HOTTEST pictures on other people's cameras. tanoshimikatadesune.


"cause its easy once you know how its done"

me and shoko
this picture was taken by yusuke of the lovely shoko and i at a misudo eikaiwa a few weeks ago. before the new hair. i swear we were talking about sex.

this is why i fucking love melissa. im thinking about drinking straight out of a bottle of jack all night. and i hate whiskey. w00t! the same night is randall's birthday and ive promised a cake. too bad there isnt a dairy queen for an ice cream cake. now that would be trashy.

today i was surprised to receive a rescue package from alex, even though i knew that it was on its way. i have three new boo boo bunnies (jam is the hipster, she rocks!) and two cds, that, well no explanation needed. i am off to buy tapes to make mix tapes for saelan and amanda b.

the list of songs im digging (from the cds alex sent):
- architecture in helsinki - it 5
- death cab for cutie - the sound of settling
- polysics - new wave jacket
- sondre lerche - sleep on needles
- the caesars - jerk it out
- franz ferdinand - michael (so hot!)

the song that both alex and randall put on cds for me, separately, but which i fucking love:
- the futureheads - decent days and nights

oh, and randall made me a cd too, which is so good!
the list:

- arlo - shutterbug (this song is my new makeout song, must find someone to make out with me to this song, quick!)
- nick lowe - and so it goes
- nada surf - blizzard of 77
- the faint - southern belles in london sing
- death cab for cutie - all is full of love (bjork cover)

how these boys rock my vagina, erm, i mean, socks! yeah, that's it!


"loverboy, where you been hiding?"

hanaya ramen shop. central akayu.

yesterday was supposedly the beginning of the rainy season. yesterday was sunny and hot and beautiful. today was overcast and chilly. after eating chinese food (and learning the kanji for spicy and relenquishing my position as ruler of snap) we walked outside to be doused in rain. lets soaking wet!

mitsumatori vs. route 113
mitsumatori vs. route 113

for me, the best part of japan is night time. it is quiet (here) and beautiful, and the whole city radiates from a long day hard at work. people get drunk in the izakayas, and drunkards arent afraid to say hello, or ask us where we are from, in english. its a time to let myself go. to feel that i am welcome here. that here is also home.


"holding onto one another's hands."

yamagata eki west exit.
the west exit at yamagata eki. today. it was overcast.

today was one of those days where the life i have created for myself in japan felt really small. i had the pleasure of having an hour to kill in yamagata before getting on my train. first, on my way up the escalator to the station, i ran into a girl i know, and this guy i know through jason. then, i got into the gustos (oh their cheeseburgers are amazing!) and was sitting there just looking at the menu when i hear ronan's fabulously irish voice exclaim, "hey, it's diandra!" and look up to see him and bec walk in, where we grab the bigger table over and all order cheeseburgers and pizzas and chow down. so good! then, im about to get on my train and i run into allie, who is a new teacher in yonezawa. so i had someone to talk on the train with on my way back! definitely makes me feel like ive accomplished something.


"stronger and harder than a bad girls dream"

the lady
one of my drawings based on "the lady" by r. brautigan.

1. ive been sitting on a post for a while. not actually typed. swimming around in my brain. i reread all of my posts since i started and i feel that i didnt portray the actual feeling i wanted to get across. i need to work on that a bit more.

2. i feel weird talking about my art. i find it unexpected when people will say that its "nice" or that id "be good at this art thing". these compliments mean the world to me, im just not so good with dealing with them.

3. i have a crush. yes, another one. this one feels a little more accidental. nothing invested. just "hey, this persons cute, and pretty fabulous". im not in the mood to capitalize on whatever feelings i am having. i just like that i can feel warm and fuzzy about someone.

4. im getting frustrated when people say my nihongo wa jousu desu ne (デイアンデラちゃんの日本語はじょうすですね). my japanese sucks, and even when i speak and i know im making mistakes (ie. leaving entire qualifiers out of a sentence, or using the wrong modifiers) people still say that its good! grr. also, somewhat attached to this, is that recently its come to my attention that i am the first english speaking (ie. white) woman to live in my town. and i dont feel out of place that often. i still manage to buy lubricants at the drugstore (no womyn's ware here). the attitude towards foreigners isnt really much different from in terrace, and i appreciate that. its a lot easier to deal with.

kara miso chashumen
my dinner. kara miso chashumen. they gave martin and i a free beer.

5. im finding it more and more akward that ive found myself, and yet im not confident in that choice enough to tell people. i did manage to tell someone last night, which led to the "i think you'd be good at the art thing" comment. you're welcome to put two and two together. im just really afraid of failing. not getting accepted. of not doing what ive wanted to do since i was sixteen. it means a lot that i told someone last night. i just have to see how it pans out.

6. its been a hard decision, but ive had to put someone on a partial moratorium. its like a tooth that is falling out, but still attached. and you just want it to fall out so that a new version can fill its place. i want our relationship to evolve. were stuck in petrification.

7. when was younger i had a crush on huey lewis from the news.

8. im pretty happy with my body right now. which is a total shock. i am slowly becomming more and more enamored with myself, which is a definite change from my horrible lack of self esteem. im starting to think that i am beautiful, and that fat is so 1997. i dont know where i stand on the losing more weight thing, and am really into the idea of losing way more of it, but i look slimmer even now and it makes me happy. (why is size so contentious? grr).

9. yesterday i thought it would be cool to get water in my ears, and now i think i have a slight ear infection. ive learned a lot about "swimmer's ear" today and how to pour isopropyl alcohol into your ear to evaporate the water. i just hope this little bit of pain goes away. i cant afford to go to the doctor what so ever.

10. tuesday night, mike doughty, is performing on the late show with david letterman. mitai!

11. ive met someone who is really perceptive in regards to my behaviour. and i love it. its nice having someone around who mocks you and makes fun of you and patronizes you for trying to act cool. only if they realized i was trying to act cool to impress them. i really have to stop doing that.


"fuck the pain away"

1. excessively proud of one's appearance or accomplishments; conceited.
2. characteristic of false pride; having an exaggerated sense of self-importance; "a conceited fool"; "an attitude of self-conceited arrogance"; "an egotistical disregard of others"; "so swollen by victory that he was unfit for normal duty"; "growing ever more swollen-headed and arbitrary"; "vain about her clothes" [syn: conceited, egotistic, egotistical, self-conceited, swollen, swollen-headed]

1. excessive love or admiration of oneself.
2. a psychological condition characterized by self-preoccupation, lack of empathy, and unconscious deficits in self-esteem.
3. erotic pleasure derived from contemplation or admiration of one's own body or self.
4. the attribute of the human psyche charactized by admiration of oneself but within normal limits.
5. an exceptional interest in and admiration for yourself

1. someone in love with themselves
2. an individual, typically male, who suffers from an inferiority complex as a result of not receiving enough attention as a small child. as a result, this person suffers from an all-pervasive need for attention and often acts as if he/she is superior.


"to give you something to go on"

new hair 1.
new hair2.
new hair 3.
tim recently asked me why i cut my hair so much. so, i cut it again.

"im fucking starved for love..."

martin taking a picture of me taking my picture. randy taking a picture of martin takinga picture of me taking my picture. wakaru? ( joel's birthday)


"in suburbia it always stays the same..."

kajo central
kajo central. friday night.

currently im making my first internet friend, and i feel like i little bit of a loser because of it. but he's cute and sends me terribly fabulous emails. see here.
im in love with the new kelly osbourne disc that ive been streaming from myspace. here.
after tomorrow its my weekend. three nights of fabulous. retrospective will happen on monday. its raining outside. ive been invited to go visit bec in australia in early 2007. definitely a reason to count my pennies. i miss vancouver.


"dont fall through the stars"

maguro and katsuo raw horse meat
naninani-san and i
naninani-san naninani-san

last night martin suggested we drink after japanese lessons, based on the fact that he needed to come down slowly from a drinking festival in tokyo. so much for drinking one or two, or fucking six jockies full of assorted liquor. the conversations were so good, and the japanese practise was wonderous. and i look horrible in that picture, but i was wasted. i mean, i was so drunk that i ate raw horse meat (the meat picture on the right). im saving the stories from this one. no posting. my newest japanese word is in the yamagata-ben, and its "manju". its a sweet, adzuki desert. its also the word for cunt, pussy, nappy dugout.

yesterday i was having a pretty low day and ended up sitting in japanese lessons giving myself a pep talk. which is really funny. just a "pick yourself up" discussion with myself. "your life isnt horrible! you're in japan. you're beautiful. you're paying off debt. people like you. you're crafty. you're in JAPAN!!" im not usually good at the pep talks, but combined with a short bike ride, it worked out. now if i can only pep-talk myself out of this nasty hangover.


"Being lonely for someone is much richer, more eventful, and more solitary than just being alone." -edmund white.

oh me!
more me more me!
what's the longest crush you've ever had? does crushing on someone since you were 13 and still fantasizing about them considered a crush? or is it more in the realm of "bananas"? as in, "have you gone bananas?" have you ever thought of the "type" of person you thought you would spend the rest of your life with? did you ever think they existed? or perhaps you forgot you even wanted that because someone incredible came along and distracted you? and for 5 years all you did was eat and breathe this distraction? and you were so in love? and now their words on messenger or in an email make you lonely and miss them because you miss the familiarity? is it wrong that you dont want to be in love with them? and that you find it to be a wrong thing to miss them? do you think its admitting you think you made a mistake? could it be perhaps that the person that was distracting you is actually the person you almost decided to spend your entire life with?

are you sick of "gaining character" and doing new things all the time? dont you just want a hug sometimes? have you admitted that you did find that perfect "type" of person? and that ever since you've layed eyes on that perfect person you've been distracted from your distraction? for at least a good year? but that person isnt so perfect afterall? why would that be? possibly because they didnt think you were that perfect person too? even though he wanted you around for company? and would call you dear? and still sends you article links to things in the new york times that you would find interesting? and only vintage? did you say he wore only used and vintage clothes? is that even possible? so, is it then also "bananas" to be crushing on this "perfect" person even though you know they wont be in vancouver when you get back? and that perhaps they dont want to be with you? wasnt it richard brautigan who said, "just because someone likes your mind, doesnt mean they want your body too"? isnt brautigan smart? and a heartbreaker?

so, where does that leave you now? do you think that you're still lonely? why are you mystified with your days are fabulous? do you expect them to be long and lonely and depressing? isnt that a little pathetic? why aren't you in bed? it's almost midnight.


"im just consistently inconsistent"

a poster i saw in yamagata today. i didnt know nick carter was a japanese wrestler? hmm. these men DONT turn me on, i promise!

i think because i set myself up that today would suck, it turns out that it was an incredible day. just good good. went to do work in yamagata, jason shows up wearing all new clothes. everything fits perfectly (green t-shirt) and these beautifully washed blue jeans. and new beige adidas sneakers. i died. oh yes. i died. even one of the mothers said to him, in english, "you are a very handsome man." duh!

and then after class, i got home just before nine p.m. and there was this big envelope in my mailbox with my falafel mix and tabouli mix that the lovely lucy hall-patch had brought back from canada and mailed to me. and then i got my NTT bill, which you think would make me cry and shudder, but its for only 9,410 yen! which is fucking amazing! (my last one was 17,000yen and the one before 23,000yen. yikes!)

im just in a good mood. recently ive been really excited about going home back to canada. not so much that it's canada, but i mean, my dad is driving from terrace to meet me at the airport and take me to anacortes to help me set up the show! how exciting is that? so exciting. and just hearing about the kissing booth this sunday at celebrities. im going weak in the knees. and i agree with narcissus boy that the new pornographers is good music to have sex to! baby steps. oh, and ive admitted to my affliction. im a fag hag. why did i try not to identify as a fag hag for so long, i dont know. i mean, my only form of gaydar is, "if i have a crush on you, you're obviously gay, because gay men are my weakness. and if you're not gay, then can you make out with my friend over here, who is gay, and let me watch, because well, i'd like that." oh vancouver, here i come!


"you seemed to be in love with me, which isnt very realistic."

this morning i woke up just before nine a.m. to take the garbage out, and i thought to myself, "im gonna go on a bike ride". so, i hopped on my bike and went south. i thought, "oh, ill just go to takahata eki (about 8km), you know, to see how long it takes". and i did. but then i decided to follow the bike route into takahata (anouther 6km), and then thought, "what the fuck, im going to lake biruzawa" (yet another 7km), and from lake biruzawa to my house, about 6km. so, that's nothing, just a 27km bike ride. on a hot summer's morning. in two and a half hours. good stuff.

this is a map of the route i took, downloaded and altered from here.

map of bike ride

takahata eki.
takahata eki. my first major stop.

old takahata eki
old takahata eki. the bike trail follows the old train line.

akutsu hachiman shrine
akutsu hachiman shrine. takahata.

lake biruzawa
lake biruzawa. today was incredibly beautiful.

looking towards akayu
the view towards akayu from the mountain at lake biruzawa. i biked down the switchbacks on the mountain. it was so nice and cool. and fast. super fast!