"friends and family looking into my only hiding place"

i feel a need to fill up space on here to validate something for myself. i find that writing on paper isnt so fulfilling anymore because i dont really want to keep my thoughts to myself. rather, id like to see how they get me into trouble. or out of trouble. or perhaps help me actually "find myself". recently ive been thinking that i havent actually found myself. that im still the same emotionally inept person i was before i came here. that i may have found my creative and constructive self (the one that has many projects on the go and wants to be a writer, an artist, a historian), but i am no way near finding that part of myself that has "grown older" from this experience.

so, what do i want to figure out for myself? ive never really been a goal oriented person (i mean my one goal, to go to art school, was curbed by those who didnt think art made money and going to art school would be a waste of time), but i think its time to start. i need to get my emotional priorities in order and maintain my mental health. this is all stuff that i want to achieve and that i have to work on:

i have to stop seeing myself as totally fabulous which is just a foil, a cover, a decoy for the fact that most of the time i hate myself. i honestly have to believe that im fabulous and not let anyone rain on that parade;

i need to begin to trust those that i have a sexual/relational interest in. i cant trust them now, particularly b/c im constantly of the mind that they arent attracted to me, and that bugs me b/c im not willing to put my heart on the line. and this then leaves me "fucking up" and not wanting to call the person i want to call all the time;

i have to stop thinking that garnering an eating disorder is a good thing;

being in japan as someone who just graduated university and "finding themselves" is a total cliche. i have to begin thinking out of the box i set for myself in regards to my fulfillment of this cliche;

i really need to become more confident with my being queer. especially when i dont identify as either gay, lesbian, dyke, or bisexual. just queer. i need to stop worrying that i will be excluded from some inclusive queer club;

i need to rely on myself more for contentment and stop looking outward for people to make me feel better.