Lone Star

well, in these parts, mercury retrograde is in full swing. it's been nothing short of hell but now that i'm 10 days in, i'm feeling steadied and ready to enjoy the next 10 days or so. this year MR has really had an impact on me so i've decided ever so slightly to just embrace it and enjoy the magic. also to not give MR too much credit. then i can survive so much better. what is it about MR, though, that even if it wasn't my frame of reference it just mirrors all the fucked upedness going on in my life right now: broken car x 2 (i might park it?), iphone in bleach water (rice totally worked), strained communications with certain people, financial fuckery, increased anxiety, not getting to all the stuff i wanted, moving exhaustion, blah blah blah. i'm starting to channel this crazy energy into mind bending work and have been practicing detaching my ego/emotional self from situations, being more resilient, and having some self actualizations that i will wait until after mercury retrograde to bring to fruition.

i get really down and hard on myself when i have a bad day. i have such an expectation of myself to have good days all the time that by the time i realize i'm having a low or bad day i'm too depressed or exhausted from crying that i have a hard time pulling myself out. part of this is my re-realization that i'm incredibly co-dependent and am now committing wholeheartedly to learn to be more interdependent. this is probably the most unexpected life lesson i'm having this year. and it's hard and exhausting and full of emotion, but as i chip away at the block of codependency and learn to leave that shit behind i feel so much better.

i did a reading last night and one of the cards spoke about denying myself my own creative energy / pursuits and it's twisting my energy in negative/bad ways and impacting a certain situation specifically. creativity is really important to me and i've been so "busy" i've gotten away from the things that make me feel better and have forgotten to make time to *do* those things. i'm also getting better at surrounding myself with people i love and am excited to have a full dance card this weekend, a mix of in person stuff and skype calls. i need to remember i'm awesome and awesome people need to be alone sometimes and that i'm awesome alone so that i can be awesome with other people. XO


i made a hat

I've made like 4 hats recently. Three went to ppl I love and one is on my head and I love it. Can't wait for attahboygirl to release the pattern! It is worth every penny you will pay for it.

Today turned out OK. I like the look of my skin after I cry on it for hours. So yay!

think about the blood that's pumping keeping you alive


I spend most of my time split between manic diandra and depressed diandra. My life lesson right now is learning to just find one clime of emotion and stick to it. I have a feeling 2013-2015 is going to be a disaster of sorting myself out to get to this emotional stability I yearn for. Meaning, I don't get to be in that space just yet. Sure, rationally I could just give myself that emotionally stable space and take it. But I have very little idea how. So instead I vacillate between manic and depressed enjoying the up and crashing like fuck. Blah. I'm actively working on it asking for support from myself, my friends, counselling, and the universe. The process sucks today because I am in depressed diandra land and thanks to Mercury Retrograde I will probably be like this until mid-November.

The confluence of MR and depressed diandra is utterly the worst. In a real sense so many parts of my life are in disarray (finances, work, home, emotions, love, connection) and my resiliency gets utterly tested. It kind of takes *everything* for me to keep it together. I have a few strategies to keep afloat and this is me publicly committing to them!

1. give people their space. spend more time with myself. wait until the darkness passes and reconnect.
2. stay physically active. more bike rides. more yoga.
3. get out of my comfort zone a little bit.
4. don't spend any more money
5. actively do the things I have committed to do (move houses, GIRLS article, blog post for shameless, grant applications x 2, HSH stuff)
6. stop freaking out
7. don't make anymore commitments of any kind until it passes

Fall is here and winter is coming. Looking forward to growing through the next few weeks but fuck I cannot wait until it's over.


"We went looking for love but we might have to make it up"

I rolled into Prince George about twenty minutes ago from just over fifteen hours on the road from Victoria. I have made the long trek to Victoria countless times since I moved back to Prince George almost a year ago (!!) strictly because people I love are in Vic. Probably the most comfortable people I have in my life. I also have people I love in Prince George (which is why I moved back here). Also in Terrace. Also in Port Alberni. Also in Toronto. Also in Montreal. Also in the US. Also in Vancouver. And pretty much every other random reach of the province of BC. I'm a lucky lucky lucky girl. My people, my friends, my sisters, my brothers, my network are so incredibly invaluable and patient and supportive. For many many years I felt like I was a shitty friend. I didn't have good friends so I didn't know how to be a good friend. But then I started meeting kindred spirits and bosom buddies. Friends I just call my sisters because it's easier. Friends that I want to be invaluable, patient, and supportive for. They're my lifeblood and without them I wouldn't be me. So there's that.

Every time I go to Victoria I drive home and without a doubt bawl in the car eventually because I realize that I'm leaving the love in that city behind and travelling so far.  Just a month ago I bawled in the car on the drive and the following day sat in my car (and then my bed) and cried for two hours. Heaving, guttural crying. But today I didn't cry!! And I don't even feel as sad as I have in the past (so probably hopefully won't cry tomorrow). I know I'm coming back and I know there will be arms to hold me and things will be great.

There was something about driving up to PG and seeing the glow and rolling down the window and it didn't smell like ass. I'm happy to be here. So happy to be here.



A Post About How I (Don't) Value Myself

The beginning of September and the start of the turn of the seasons from Summer to Fall is my new year. All summer I look forward to the freshness that September will bring, and the 'new beginning' I give myself. New habits, new emotions, new outfits. A chance to re-do some things. A chance to try things differently. An opportunity to be a better me.

A year ago, this time, I enabled my manic behaviour and set on down a path of dismantling major parts of my life searching to make something, anything, feel better. I quit my job (and the full time workforce in general). I left my husband. I saw a naturopath and actively took hold of my physical self and *drastically* changed my diet.  I told one of my best friends I was in love with him. I moved 1200KM north back to Prince George.

I did all of these things because for my entire life I have carried around a handful of beliefs about myself that are complete and utter bullshit:
  1. If I was skinnier then everything would be better
  2. All of the problems I have are because I am fat & I will be fat forever and that's a problem
  3. I am lucky if anyone is willing to love me so I need to just take whoever I get and that's the rest of my life despite how shitty it gets
  4. That success and my perception of success was solely related to the things I did out in the world, rather than how I am with myself (particularly related to work)
  5. That I am an extrovert
  6. I can simply put a happy face on and work harder and everything will be better
  7. A shitty family together is better for my kid than a family not together
  8. That I can do everything and that I want to do everything
  9. That I have no inherent value as a person, unless it's explicitly related to the person I'm in a relationship with
  10. That it's my job to take care of everyone else first

I spent most of 2013 in a fog of depression, stress, and anxiety just *dealing* with the emotional fallout of everything above. I had a hard time taking care of my house, eating well, paying bills, let alone *wanting* to find employment. I cried many a day into my pillow, in the shower, in the car.  A few things saved me during this time: the kid, roller derby, my friends, my sisters, and HSH.

In July of this year, my kid went away for 5 weeks. It was the best kind of holiday I needed because I got lots of empty space to sit with my depression and my exhaustion and *really* think about what I was doing, *how* I was doing, and where I was going next (even just the next day). I slept most days until lunch time. I went out and socialized and drank too much. I cried and cried. I crushed on everyone, pursued a handful of people into dead ends, and actively decided not to take people home, or once there, not have sex with randoms (for me, casual sex was not the answer no matter what the boy-run-media-outlets tell me).

Since the beginning of this September, I have really stepped into working on my shit, inspired wholly by the changing of the seasons and knowing that it's just *time* I address this bullshit or it will carry along with me forever. I want to be the person I envisioned for myself in my 30s. For me this is an active process in reducing distractions (manic-behaviour) and taking time to slow down and be in my mind and in my body. Some of the distractions I've reduced include mainly roller derby and other extra activities/volunteering and facebook. 

Now, I see more of my friends. I am meeting new friends. I am working hard on a number of important things. I am travelling to see my family as much as possible. I am taking care of my body. I am battling my mental health demons and taking care of my mind. I am writing and having dance parties in the kitchen with the kid. I am liberating myself as much as possible from the traditional workforce. I am knitting and reading so many books and spending a lot of time alone. I am challenging myself in a new romantic process and allowing myself to be ok with falling in love again (if I want to), being vulnerable, and explicitly asking for what I want (and getting it). I am trusting magic and mysticism and the universe. I am asking for help.

So, what have I learned about myself or am I trying to re(un)LEARN? The biggest lesson is that I *do* have value and that I *do* have an impact on other people's lives. (Like, "I never ever thought he would like me if I pursued him because why the fuck would someone like me? I don't have that kind of impact!" which was a faulty belief because BOOM it's working so far!--this one also garnered a much deserved laugh from a dear dear friend). I have spent so much of my life looking up to amazing and inspiring women (like Kathleen Hannah!) and have just expected that their words and energy would be enough to carry me into the future and I would be able to achieve the things they've achieved and if I'm lucky I would just get to see and read their work! Never did I think that I had personal power of any kind to move in the world and make a similar impact (even amongst my smallest group of friends/family). I'm learning.......

Last week I had the honour of going for coffee with a (new) friend who I've adored forever and it's disappointing to know we didn't get to spend our whole lives up until this point together. I've been so honoured to connect with a few new people who are just fucking comfortable to be with (and further build other friendships into this space). Little did I know that she went home and wrote the nicest things about me! I never would have thought in a million years that I was an inspiration to her (let alone anyone), particularly because she's an inspiration to me, and the aforementioned not seeing myself as having value thing. I'm relieved to say I'm working on it.