Lone Star

well, in these parts, mercury retrograde is in full swing. it's been nothing short of hell but now that i'm 10 days in, i'm feeling steadied and ready to enjoy the next 10 days or so. this year MR has really had an impact on me so i've decided ever so slightly to just embrace it and enjoy the magic. also to not give MR too much credit. then i can survive so much better. what is it about MR, though, that even if it wasn't my frame of reference it just mirrors all the fucked upedness going on in my life right now: broken car x 2 (i might park it?), iphone in bleach water (rice totally worked), strained communications with certain people, financial fuckery, increased anxiety, not getting to all the stuff i wanted, moving exhaustion, blah blah blah. i'm starting to channel this crazy energy into mind bending work and have been practicing detaching my ego/emotional self from situations, being more resilient, and having some self actualizations that i will wait until after mercury retrograde to bring to fruition.

i get really down and hard on myself when i have a bad day. i have such an expectation of myself to have good days all the time that by the time i realize i'm having a low or bad day i'm too depressed or exhausted from crying that i have a hard time pulling myself out. part of this is my re-realization that i'm incredibly co-dependent and am now committing wholeheartedly to learn to be more interdependent. this is probably the most unexpected life lesson i'm having this year. and it's hard and exhausting and full of emotion, but as i chip away at the block of codependency and learn to leave that shit behind i feel so much better.

i did a reading last night and one of the cards spoke about denying myself my own creative energy / pursuits and it's twisting my energy in negative/bad ways and impacting a certain situation specifically. creativity is really important to me and i've been so "busy" i've gotten away from the things that make me feel better and have forgotten to make time to *do* those things. i'm also getting better at surrounding myself with people i love and am excited to have a full dance card this weekend, a mix of in person stuff and skype calls. i need to remember i'm awesome and awesome people need to be alone sometimes and that i'm awesome alone so that i can be awesome with other people. XO

think about the blood that's pumping keeping you alive

autumning from di.jw.5 on 8tracks Radio.

FUCK MERCURY RETROGRADE.

I spend most of my time split between manic diandra and depressed diandra. My life lesson right now is learning to just find one clime of emotion and stick to it. I have a feeling 2013-2015 is going to be a disaster of sorting myself out to get to this emotional stability I yearn for. Meaning, I don't get to be in that space just yet. Sure, rationally I could just give myself that emotionally stable space and take it. But I have very little idea how. So instead I vacillate between manic and depressed enjoying the up and crashing like fuck. Blah. I'm actively working on it asking for support from myself, my friends, counselling, and the universe. The process sucks today because I am in depressed diandra land and thanks to Mercury Retrograde I will probably be like this until mid-November.

The confluence of MR and depressed diandra is utterly the worst. In a real sense so many parts of my life are in disarray (finances, work, home, emotions, love, connection) and my resiliency gets utterly tested. It kind of takes *everything* for me to keep it together. I have a few strategies to keep afloat and this is me publicly committing to them!

1. give people their space. spend more time with myself. wait until the darkness passes and reconnect.
2. stay physically active. more bike rides. more yoga.
3. get out of my comfort zone a little bit.
4. don't spend any more money
5. actively do the things I have committed to do (move houses, GIRLS article, blog post for shameless, grant applications x 2, HSH stuff)
6. stop freaking out
7. don't make anymore commitments of any kind until it passes

Fall is here and winter is coming. Looking forward to growing through the next few weeks but fuck I cannot wait until it's over.