It's a classic case of "I don't know where it went"....

On Tuesday I'm participating in Pechakucha and presenting about food/my relationship with food/poverty/decolonization etc all under ten minutes. It's really important for me that when I do picture-based presentations (or any presentation) that I use my own pictures rather than take things off the internet. So I literally just spent the last hour going through my boxes of photos from high school, from uni, from japan, from terrace, from PG searching for gems or at least pictures of Terrace. I have a tonne of pictures from my flickr and have scanned a number of old favourites and uploaded them but stumbled across this beauty.

I've spent the past year and a half tearing my life apart and myself down to get to the root of why I've been so sick (mentally and physically). I'm starting to feel better and "find happiness" (aka white bullshit) etc., but seeing this picture..it kind of just hit me. This is the last time I honestly remember being happy. This was March 2003. So much of my life then mimics my life today. I know where things went sour and how I just let that manifest inside me for a decade. It's gross and sad and relieving all in the same thought. Most of it is tied to stress and anxiety and depression and bad health/eating disorder. I made bad choices that enabled that behaviour in myself and held on to traumatic shit for way too long. Blah.

ETA: I'm happy now! The past 10 years have been interesting that's for sure.

Tripping through the door...

I'm genuinely the luckiest person in the world. I am constantly giving thanks for the splendid, wonderful, and full life I have right now. Constantly pinching myself. Repeatedly being ok with how things are going where I'm going who I'm going with. 

Exactly a year ago I was in the worst place. My marriage was officially over. I was in love with someone who said I was crazy and fabricated the whole thing. I was extremely poor and running out of the food I had stored. The house I lived in was infested with mold. And I hated myself through and through. There was a point where I was TWO DAYS from giving notice on my place and moving back to the island to live with my family. I honestly thought things wouldn't get better, that no one would love me, that I was the worst parent ever, and that I would never love myself and even if I did, what the fuck would it matter. The store wouldn't ever open. I wouldn't be able to deal with my debt. That all the shit I taught myself about myself via my shitty marriage, fat shame most of my life, the self-harm, the codependency, the anxiety/stress, the depression, it was who I was and nothing would ever change. Ever.

I wish I could say magic happened. Or that the universe FINALLY listened and gave me what I deserved + what I was working for. Or that I worked so hard good things happened. But all of that is bullshit. I really don't know what I'm doing (specifically). I really don't know what I did (exactly). And I really don't know where I'm going (probably). Before 2012 I had spent the past 20 years of my life lying to myself that everything was ok. That I was ok. If I just kept going and pretended nothing was wrong then nothing WAS wrong and I would be OK. There are major parts of my life I have blacked out on. Who really knows what happened or how I handled things if I even had the agency to do so. And how much of that has been a driver in all the mental health shit I've slogged through since 2012, really. 

What 2012 to now (and the last year in particular) has taught me are a handful of life lessons that I will carry forward with me as I navigate situations, build and maintain relationships, and make good decisions about my life + my kid's life. Most importantly, I learned them by looking into myself, letting my guard down and opening up to my friends, and seeking professional help. Lots of feedback, lots of support, lots of different outlooks on who I was as a person and who I needed to be (and how to get there). I learned that I'm not an island and that I need my family ("real" and created) to heal, survive, and be stronger. My decision to come back to PG and be with my PG family and "follow my dreams" was one of the best decisions I've ever made. 

This calendar year it has been my intention to be vulnerable. To go out of my comfort zone. To take risks. To do things that scare me. To choose a different path. To be my own person and figure out who that is. My overall hope is healing from the past shit and move into the future with new skills for coping. Over the past few weeks I've had a number of dreams where the lesson has been about me trying my old coping mechanisms and them failing and having to try new ones (which work). Cheesy I know, but one of them was a zombie apocalypse dream--fun!!--and they were telling. It's time to do new things and figure out new ways of being. The future is good. The present is wonderful. Keep going.

All of this is actually preamble for the big reveal of this blog post: I'm not applying for a PhD program + I'm not leaving PG anytime soon. (BOOM). Inside me for a long time has been this desire to feed the nerd beast inside me. I LOVE SCHOOL. I love research. I love writing. I love DISCOURSE. We all know my MA ended in shit (fuuuuck) and when I told people I wanted to pursue a PhD, lots of people were like, "but you said you would never!" But I was excited! I wanted to do the work (I still want to do the work) and I wanted to support communities to build food sovereignty! So this past semester I took two classes, maintained an A- GPA, and even published a paper. But I hated it. I skipped classes. I disdained everyone. Repeatedly I said I couldn't wait for it to be over. I struggled to make it a priority. And I learned my lesson: I can't "do everything" and if I want to do school I have to JUST do school. I'm good at it. I should give it my all. But I don't want to give it my all. Fuck the system, really. The industrial academic complex is too much for me and I see it as something that needs lots of work. I don't want to feel like I always have to fix it and I'm not prepared to spend all that time and energy on something that I can't change. And I'm not willing to change ME to fit. sorrynotsorry. 

Part of my story is that I am always afraid to put down roots and I'm never willing to really be myself in a place. In this moment I really feel like I can be myself and Prince George is my place. I'm falling in love with the most amazing woman I've met in my entire life. I am building a business and community with the bestest friend a lady can ask for. I am taking better care of myself. I am being active. I am making good choices for myself. I'm having so much fun. I still don't know if I want to put down roots here and my swan song of "I will only live there for a year" will turn into at least a few more. I still want to be a farmer with my sisters and have land and baby animals to love and vegetables to grow. My decision to stay in PG means the long term projects I've wanted to work on here can and will happen, which is exciting. In the words of my sister, "the roots go down and the life comes up." I know it's cliche whatever, but I'm ready to put down some roots and grow my life in this place and with these people.

I could see for miles, miles, miles.

This past week has been so utterly insane and overwhelming and so full of amazing and wonderful things. Early in the week I pulled a life force card that signified ecstasy, joy, rapture, and motivation. I've just wholeheartedly decided to open myself up to this energy and let it flow.

"Ecstasy is something people seek. It feels better than good; it feels, well....ecstatic. We experience it in tiny bursts and in bigger surges. It enables us to recognize the sacred nature of our own being as an experienced fact, not merely a theory or article of faith. Ecstasy is not something we can make within ourselves,  but something that flows through us when we open ourselves up to it. It fills us with power and with the motivation to grow, to become what we have the positive potential of being, and to fulfil our purpose in being here and now on this planet."

It's been building for a few weeks but this week things just took hold. I've been feeling better, liking myself more, being comfortable with who I am and who I want to give my energy to. This week was also the bringer in deciding that I didn't have to experience depression anymore. I've had bouts of anxiety/stress this week, but the depression is acknowledged and gone (possibly, just for now). Like, I had a number of moments where I felt shitty or felt worn out from too much "up-ness" but I practiced keeping my manics more steady and the crash didn't come. Sure, I was tired and wrestled with some emotional stuff this week and cried my face off a lot (whilst listening to The Con obviously) but I didn't fall into the depressive stuff. And every week for the last few years I fell into that. For the longest time I equated the "ecstasy" with the "manic"...but this time it's different. My life is changing, I'm in charge. Now, if I can only learn to re-open this mother fucking heart of mine, then we can get somewhere monumentous.

epically terrified.

I wrote this article for the Shameless Mag blog about the dissolution of my marriage. You should read it. I've read it a hundred times. The last paragraph still makes me exhausted and teary. I'm super exhausted right now and am retreating even more. I'm so so so so honoured to have so many wonderful supportive people in my life. Not sure I could do this (life) without them. I know I couldn't. I'm working through a laundry list of 22 things to sort out mentally/emotionally without much urgency. Giving myself time to 1) not process everything 2) be in the darkness in an accepting and loving way towards myself 3) not feel pressured to make every bad feeling a good feeling or every bad situation a good situation 4) to be courageous to love others and myself more authentically/epically/truthfully 5) trust myself that I make good decisions and can make more good decisions and will continue to make good decisions.

Played derby last night. The Con's weekly rituals came to a close and I was happy to get out there and skate my ass off. I've come so far and feel so good. I didn't fall very much and continued to feel incredible shame about how physical I am in this game (and how many people I just fucking bulldoze). I need to figure that one out (add it to the list).

I feel really fucking good right now

I've always thought I'm awesome, but I'm learning to live it more. A major shift for me in the past few weeks has been acknowledging my vulnerability and being more OK with what that looks like. Most often this means giving myself space, particularly socially. I'm grounding, reconnecting, listening to lots of riot grrrl music, pop music, getting outside, feeling better.

Don't know what you think you saw
You didn't know at all
Lost sight of who you are
Came to make a connection
Force myself in a dimension
Lost sight of myself

Lone Star

well, in these parts, mercury retrograde is in full swing. it's been nothing short of hell but now that i'm 10 days in, i'm feeling steadied and ready to enjoy the next 10 days or so. this year MR has really had an impact on me so i've decided ever so slightly to just embrace it and enjoy the magic. also to not give MR too much credit. then i can survive so much better. what is it about MR, though, that even if it wasn't my frame of reference it just mirrors all the fucked upedness going on in my life right now: broken car x 2 (i might park it?), iphone in bleach water (rice totally worked), strained communications with certain people, financial fuckery, increased anxiety, not getting to all the stuff i wanted, moving exhaustion, blah blah blah. i'm starting to channel this crazy energy into mind bending work and have been practicing detaching my ego/emotional self from situations, being more resilient, and having some self actualizations that i will wait until after mercury retrograde to bring to fruition.

i get really down and hard on myself when i have a bad day. i have such an expectation of myself to have good days all the time that by the time i realize i'm having a low or bad day i'm too depressed or exhausted from crying that i have a hard time pulling myself out. part of this is my re-realization that i'm incredibly co-dependent and am now committing wholeheartedly to learn to be more interdependent. this is probably the most unexpected life lesson i'm having this year. and it's hard and exhausting and full of emotion, but as i chip away at the block of codependency and learn to leave that shit behind i feel so much better.

i did a reading last night and one of the cards spoke about denying myself my own creative energy / pursuits and it's twisting my energy in negative/bad ways and impacting a certain situation specifically. creativity is really important to me and i've been so "busy" i've gotten away from the things that make me feel better and have forgotten to make time to *do* those things. i'm also getting better at surrounding myself with people i love and am excited to have a full dance card this weekend, a mix of in person stuff and skype calls. i need to remember i'm awesome and awesome people need to be alone sometimes and that i'm awesome alone so that i can be awesome with other people. XO

think about the blood that's pumping keeping you alive

autumning from di.jw.5 on 8tracks Radio.

FUCK MERCURY RETROGRADE.

I spend most of my time split between manic diandra and depressed diandra. My life lesson right now is learning to just find one clime of emotion and stick to it. I have a feeling 2013-2015 is going to be a disaster of sorting myself out to get to this emotional stability I yearn for. Meaning, I don't get to be in that space just yet. Sure, rationally I could just give myself that emotionally stable space and take it. But I have very little idea how. So instead I vacillate between manic and depressed enjoying the up and crashing like fuck. Blah. I'm actively working on it asking for support from myself, my friends, counselling, and the universe. The process sucks today because I am in depressed diandra land and thanks to Mercury Retrograde I will probably be like this until mid-November.

The confluence of MR and depressed diandra is utterly the worst. In a real sense so many parts of my life are in disarray (finances, work, home, emotions, love, connection) and my resiliency gets utterly tested. It kind of takes *everything* for me to keep it together. I have a few strategies to keep afloat and this is me publicly committing to them!

1. give people their space. spend more time with myself. wait until the darkness passes and reconnect.
2. stay physically active. more bike rides. more yoga.
3. get out of my comfort zone a little bit.
4. don't spend any more money
5. actively do the things I have committed to do (move houses, GIRLS article, blog post for shameless, grant applications x 2, HSH stuff)
6. stop freaking out
7. don't make anymore commitments of any kind until it passes

Fall is here and winter is coming. Looking forward to growing through the next few weeks but fuck I cannot wait until it's over.

"We went looking for love but we might have to make it up"

I rolled into Prince George about twenty minutes ago from just over fifteen hours on the road from Victoria. I have made the long trek to Victoria countless times since I moved back to Prince George almost a year ago (!!) strictly because people I love are in Vic. Probably the most comfortable people I have in my life. I also have people I love in Prince George (which is why I moved back here). Also in Terrace. Also in Port Alberni. Also in Toronto. Also in Montreal. Also in the US. Also in Vancouver. And pretty much every other random reach of the province of BC. I'm a lucky lucky lucky girl. My people, my friends, my sisters, my brothers, my network are so incredibly invaluable and patient and supportive. For many many years I felt like I was a shitty friend. I didn't have good friends so I didn't know how to be a good friend. But then I started meeting kindred spirits and bosom buddies. Friends I just call my sisters because it's easier. Friends that I want to be invaluable, patient, and supportive for. They're my lifeblood and without them I wouldn't be me. So there's that.

Every time I go to Victoria I drive home and without a doubt bawl in the car eventually because I realize that I'm leaving the love in that city behind and travelling so far.  Just a month ago I bawled in the car on the drive and the following day sat in my car (and then my bed) and cried for two hours. Heaving, guttural crying. But today I didn't cry!! And I don't even feel as sad as I have in the past (so probably hopefully won't cry tomorrow). I know I'm coming back and I know there will be arms to hold me and things will be great.

There was something about driving up to PG and seeing the glow and rolling down the window and it didn't smell like ass. I'm happy to be here. So happy to be here.

 

A Post About How I (Don't) Value Myself

The beginning of September and the start of the turn of the seasons from Summer to Fall is my new year. All summer I look forward to the freshness that September will bring, and the 'new beginning' I give myself. New habits, new emotions, new outfits. A chance to re-do some things. A chance to try things differently. An opportunity to be a better me.

A year ago, this time, I enabled my manic behaviour and set on down a path of dismantling major parts of my life searching to make something, anything, feel better. I quit my job (and the full time workforce in general). I left my husband. I saw a naturopath and actively took hold of my physical self and *drastically* changed my diet.  I told one of my best friends I was in love with him. I moved 1200KM north back to Prince George.

I did all of these things because for my entire life I have carried around a handful of beliefs about myself that are complete and utter bullshit:

1. If I was skinnier then everything would be better
2. All of the problems I have are because I am fat & I will be fat forever and that's a problem
3. I am lucky if anyone is willing to love me so I need to just take whoever I get and that's the rest of my life despite how shitty it gets
4. That success and my perception of success was solely related to the things I did out in the world, rather than how I am with myself (particularly related to work)
5. That I am an extrovert
6. I can simply put a happy face on and work harder and everything will be better
7. A shitty family together is better for my kid than a family not together
8. That I can do everything and that I want to do everything
9. That I have no inherent value as a person, unless it's explicitly related to the person I'm in a relationship with
10. That it's my job to take care of everyone else first

I spent most of 2013 in a fog of depression, stress, and anxiety just *dealing* with the emotional fallout of everything above. I had a hard time taking care of my house, eating well, paying bills, let alone *wanting* to find employment. I cried many a day into my pillow, in the shower, in the car.  A few things saved me during this time: the kid, roller derby, my friends, my sisters, and HSH.

In July of this year, my kid went away for 5 weeks. It was the best kind of holiday I needed because I got lots of empty space to sit with my depression and my exhaustion and *really* think about what I was doing, *how* I was doing, and where I was going next (even just the next day). I slept most days until lunch time. I went out and socialized and drank too much. I cried and cried. I crushed on everyone, pursued a handful of people into dead ends, and actively decided not to take people home, or once there, not have sex with randoms (for me, casual sex was not the answer no matter what the boy-run-media-outlets tell me).

Since the beginning of this September, I have really stepped into working on my shit, inspired wholly by the changing of the seasons and knowing that it's just *time* I address this bullshit or it will carry along with me forever. I want to be the person I envisioned for myself in my 30s. For me this is an active process in reducing distractions (manic-behaviour) and taking time to slow down and be in my mind and in my body. Some of the distractions I've reduced include mainly roller derby and other extra activities/volunteering and facebook. 

Now, I see more of my friends. I am meeting new friends. I am working hard on a number of important things. I am travelling to see my family as much as possible. I am taking care of my body. I am battling my mental health demons and taking care of my mind. I am writing and having dance parties in the kitchen with the kid. I am liberating myself as much as possible from the traditional workforce. I am knitting and reading so many books and spending a lot of time alone. I am challenging myself in a new romantic process and allowing myself to be ok with falling in love again (if I want to), being vulnerable, and explicitly asking for what I want (and getting it). I am trusting magic and mysticism and the universe. I am asking for help.

So, what have I learned about myself or am I trying to re(un)LEARN? The biggest lesson is that I *do* have value and that I *do* have an impact on other people's lives. (Like, "I never ever thought he would like me if I pursued him because why the fuck would someone like me? I don't have that kind of impact!" which was a faulty belief because BOOM it's working so far!--this one also garnered a much deserved laugh from a dear dear friend). I have spent so much of my life looking up to amazing and inspiring women (like Kathleen Hannah!) and have just expected that their words and energy would be enough to carry me into the future and I would be able to achieve the things they've achieved and if I'm lucky I would just get to see and read their work! Never did I think that I had personal power of any kind to move in the world and make a similar impact (even amongst my smallest group of friends/family). I'm learning.......

Last week I had the honour of going for coffee with a (new) friend who I've adored forever and it's disappointing to know we didn't get to spend our whole lives up until this point together. I've been so honoured to connect with a few new people who are just fucking comfortable to be with (and further build other friendships into this space). Little did I know that she went home and wrote the nicest things about me! I never would have thought in a million years that I was an inspiration to her (let alone anyone), particularly because she's an inspiration to me, and the aforementioned not seeing myself as having value thing. I'm relieved to say I'm working on it.