epically terrified.

I wrote this article for the Shameless Mag blog about the dissolution of my marriage. You should read it. I've read it a hundred times. The last paragraph still makes me exhausted and teary. I'm super exhausted right now and am retreating even more. I'm so so so so honoured to have so many wonderful supportive people in my life. Not sure I could do this (life) without them. I know I couldn't. I'm working through a laundry list of 22 things to sort out mentally/emotionally without much urgency. Giving myself time to 1) not process everything 2) be in the darkness in an accepting and loving way towards myself 3) not feel pressured to make every bad feeling a good feeling or every bad situation a good situation 4) to be courageous to love others and myself more authentically/epically/truthfully 5) trust myself that I make good decisions and can make more good decisions and will continue to make good decisions.

Played derby last night. The Con's weekly rituals came to a close and I was happy to get out there and skate my ass off. I've come so far and feel so good. I didn't fall very much and continued to feel incredible shame about how physical I am in this game (and how many people I just fucking bulldoze). I need to figure that one out (add it to the list).


I feel really fucking good right now

I've always thought I'm awesome, but I'm learning to live it more. A major shift for me in the past few weeks has been acknowledging my vulnerability and being more OK with what that looks like. Most often this means giving myself space, particularly socially. I'm grounding, reconnecting, listening to lots of riot grrrl music, pop music, getting outside, feeling better.

Don't know what you think you saw
You didn't know at all
Lost sight of who you are
Came to make a connection
Force myself in a dimension
Lost sight of myself



This coming week I'm guest lecturing at the university on my favourite thing: grrrls who make media. It's only one hour and with all the pre-amble about the male gaze, media ownership, and what feminism means to me, I'll only get to show a handful of videos (and then talk about them). It's really important to me that when talking about women who make visual media that the content be representational and include a number of intersectional voices: queers, women of colour, women who live or have lived in poverty, women doing it on their own, women who experience colonization. The walls of academia are so white washed and popular feminist media is exceptionally racist I have no interest in furthering heteronormative white voices in these forums. Over it.

Mary Lambert interview on Q (http://www.cbc.ca/q/popupaudio.html?clipIds=2407370855 - 15:01)
Grimes manifesto (http://actuallygrimes.tumblr.com/post/48744769552/i-dont-want-to-have-to-compromise-my-morals-in-order)
MIA documentary leak (http://www.stereogum.com/?p=1399922)
Lauren Mayberry of Chvrches statement (http://www.theguardian.com/music/musicblog/2013/sep/30/chvrches-lauren-mayberry-online-misogyny)

Jeepneys & Low Leaf ::::: We Are Mangos from Jeepneys AnnaLuisa on Vimeo.


new slang

Kyoto - Summer 2005
This morning
 Since I was 15 I have been the queen of the straight across bangs. So much so that when I go through my flickr account (which is just as old as my bangs) all pictures of me have straight across bangs. I remember when I was in Kyoto in 2005 visiting Lucy I was bored and decided that the brown hair had to go (I hadn't dyed it black since high school). My bangs hadn't been cut in weeks (I was routinely cutting my own hair at this point) and the side bang just happened. Women in Japan have the BEST side bangs I've ever seen in my life. So thick and beautiful! Anyway, I'm growing my bangs out and am a full year away from having the beautiful full front bang I want. But let's transitioning! ha!


Life During Wartime

I often feel like the lyrics for this song were written for me, right now. Every time I'm reminded why I resist and how fucked the world is.

Heard of a van that is loaded with weapons
Packed up and ready to go
Heard of some grave sites, out by the highway
A place where nobody knows
The sound of gunfire, off in the distance
I'm getting used to it now
Lived in a brownstone, I lived in the ghetto
I've lived all over this town
This ain't no party, this ain't no disco
This ain't no fooling around
No time for dancing, or lovey dovey
I ain't got time for that now
Transmit the message, to the receiver
Hope for an answer some day
I got three passports, couple of visas
Don't even know my real name
High on a hillside, trucks are loading
Everything's ready to roll, I,
I sleep in the daytime, I work in the night time
I might not ever get home
This ain't no party, this ain't no disco
This ain't no fooling around
This ain't no mud club, or C. B. G. B.
I ain't got time for that now
This ain't no party, this ain't no disco
This ain't no fooling around
No time for dancing, or lovey dovey
I ain't got time for that now
Heard about Houston? Heard about Detroit?
Heard about Pittsburgh, PA?
You ought to know not to stand by the window
Somebody see you up there
I got some groceries, some peanut butter
To last a couple of days
But I ain't got no speakers
Ain't got no headphones
Ain't got no records to play
Why stay in college? Why go to night school?
Gonna be different this time?
Can't write a letter, can't send a postcard
I can't write nothing at all
This ain't no party, this ain't no disco
This ain't no fooling around
I'd love you hold you, I'd like to kiss you
But I ain't got no time for that now
Trouble in transit, got through the roadblock
We blended in with the crowd
We got computers, we're tapping phone lines
I know that ain't allowed
We dress like students, we dress like housewives
Or in a suit and a tie
I changed my hairstyle so many times now
Don't know what I look like
You make me shiver, I feel so tender
We make a pretty good team
Don't get exhausted, I'll do some driving
You ought to get you some sleep
Burned all my notebooks, what good are notebooks?
They won't help me survive
My chest is aching, and it burns like a furnace
The burning keeps me alive