"wait for it, there are only two of us now."

Photo Hosted at Buzznet.com

im tired of having to defend my relationship with boy to other people. tired. tired from staying up late making art. tired from resorting to eating sugar and feeling like crap. tired of this computer that's always crashing. tired of knowing that right now, where im at, isnt good enough for me. and that i do need someone else in my life to make me feel valid. im tired of saying should. i must stop saying should. i need to.

my mum's playing her gorgeous instrumentals on her guitar. im kneeling in front of this slow, crashy, computer, and my paint is drying on the kitchen table. two more lines to go. and itll still be late for the art shop. boundless opportunities are upon me.


"she dont think straight, no no no"

it seems that the places ive been going lately seem to point fingers and conversationalism towards duh duh duh, vegetarianism! will discusses his reverting back to the meat (at the hands of a delectable bacon bit). and rex tackles the topic in a comic about "different types of vegetarianism".

i was a vegetarian for years! and it was fun. frustrated my mum. i almost wasnt able to give blood because i was iron deficient, and then when i did i felt like crap. i got to pretend i was better than everyone because i thought i was so smart and healthy. i got to try new and weird foods that were incredibly delicious. dabble in vegetarianism. and pretty much live off of pasta sauce when i was a student. and then, as ive probably told you, that day in my last semester of university and i was stressed out because i knew my relationship was over (yet was too weak to actually leave), my grades were sucky, my friend was dying of cancer, i was poor, and just so tired from doing school for 18 months in a row (full time!!) that i craved chicken in no way ive craved anything before. and i ate chicken. and began eating pepperoni. and beef. and my body hated me. i gained back that 40lbs i had lost all those years ago, and then some. i felt ugly and didnt feel i was getting my sexual needs met, and it just got worse and worse and worse.

then, i moved to japan, and didnt give up meat (i decided to eat horse and chicken tongue instead!) but recently have decided to try and kick the meat from my diet in the style of a freegan. and its nice. im loving the yams (of course) and even loving more the fact that boy (who is now called "boyfriend" to the general public) is also a vegetarian. this time there's no, "im better than you because i make healthy food choices." just, "im making healthy food choices." i feel lame right now. huh. xoxo.


"we'll have a rainy day parade"

so. went to sleep with a conservative minority government. woke up with a conservative minority government. arrived at work with a conservative minority government. read that p.martin resigned because he lost to the conservative minority government. note: dont canadians want a leader who stands up after having lost and continues to fight for what he and his party believe in and protect canada from the possible demise at the hands of the aforementioned conservative minority government? i sure do. but. i also went to sleep with a riding who voted an ndp mp in a consecutive manner. again. we are ndp both federally and provincially. again. and that mp, nathan cullen, got 48.5% of the votes in the riding. a sizeable lead on the conservative candidate. he swept up votes in both urban centres and first nations communities. the ndp office was abuzz at 6pm. i sure had fun calling people reminding them they still had 55 minutes to get out there and vote! while the conservative office was dead. im not looking forward to going to sleep with a conservative government. but. im somewhat please. downright ecstatic in fact. that when i do get to the point of trying to start the lgbtq centre in terrace the people i get to allign myself with are pro-queer. rather than the conservative fucker who said, "no one in this riding wanted gay marriage." i sure did.


"love is a stranger"

just a list of those things i engaged in. devoured. enjoyed. blissed about. over the last few days.

1. thursday cut friend's mum's hair into a short-ish curly bob (using my hair razor of course). left one side longer. trimmer her bangs. we styled it. lavished in it. and gazed longingly in the mirror at it. (her partner hated it...booerns!)
2. was really cranky on friday and got in a few arguments with my mum. she bought me veggie cheese because i was feeling so horrible. then i hugged her. and then we went shopping. nothing like a bit of retail therapy. i bought two pairs of pants. two shirts. and she bought me a black long sleeved shirt that makes me the hottest girl IN TOWN!
3. boy slept over. another fitful night. the sweats. hot make out sesh. slept until 1:30pm on saturday afternoon.
4. watched harold and maude. friend and i decided harold was really hot. what sort of boy falls in love with an 80 year old woman who gives him life? hot. cute. intellectual. smart boys with feelings. thats who.
5. bought more chakra rocks. friend bought me a faery oracle set for a (late) xmas present. got my chakras balanced.
6. went thrift shopping. let friend buy the coolest suitcase ever. we reconciled by saying that when we live together one day we can share it. i bought a little plate that says alaska. a book about computers. a book about whales. two t-shirts for boy. sweater for friend's mum with the new hair.
7. ate burritos. filled with grated carrots. beets. veggie ground round. guac. bean dip with mushrooms. and chipotle.
8. played taboo with a few friends. chatted about colons. cleaning them out. normalizing your bowel movements. became narcissistic and took pictures of eachother (not of our poo).
9. boy slept over. very interesting night. i felt all of my resistance to letting him in disappear and leave me. very empowering, energizing feeling. we both slept the entire night. uninterupted.
10. played with my faery oracle cards. learning a lot about myself. creative life force. energy. places i should go with my internal journey. etc.
11. went shopping with boy. who now has the sweetest connor oberst-style punk outfit.
12. went to the hotsprings with friends. had handstand competitions. practised my pikes. played that game where you swim under one another's legs.
13. watched a bit of imaginary heros. we're going to rent it and watch it in full. a movie about a family that is disintegrating. pretty interesting to say the least.
14. this morning talked to one of my mentors who gave me some concrete suggestions for getting into a master's program. also said she would look into getting me both full-time work in first nation's health, and a fully funded research program to get my master's in history/first nation's health. and im all about the free stuff.
15. spoke japanese for an hour with my new language partner. its great making new friends. that speak japanese too!


"hey world im here listening, listen to me"

Photo Hosted at Buzznet.com
rupert. rupert-chan. man-cat. the new love in my life. saved from the pound by loving hearts.

last night boy (numbers now officially removed) took me for dinner. we were both strung out. i was blaming my "oddness"/attitude/shittiness on being tired, rough day at work, etc. and then, after the lovely dinner, which consisted of pakora, chutneys, copious amounts of chai) naan, and shahi paneer wraps, things got a little more uncomfortable. just our moods colliding. both of us too nervous. too unsure to do. say. anything. but i came home and instead of going to sleep i wrote. in my journal. unpacked a lot of the shit on my brain and i realized one fundamental thing about me. ive kept busy for so long that whenever i needed to deal with something i just got busier to block it out. pretend like i didnt have these "issues". and now im taking time out. lying in bed more. being at home more. spending more time asking myself questions and wondering how i got here and where im going from here and what that will look like. and its exhausting. but because im so used to blaming my moods on being tired from being busy i actually have been missing the boat. which means im not present in my process that much (im trying to get better). and that i am putting myself onto boy in that im seeing these things in him but hey hey they are me me me! so, after i relaxed we had talked on the phone (still a little highschool) and seemed to sort things out. and it seems as if we're both super nervous. scared. dont know where this is going. find it a little hard to both take our walls down. like each other. and able to decide (or him reitterating to me) to go with the flow. we made a point to give today off from each other. time to think. space to maneuver in. (and yes, im aware that all i did today was think about him).


"maybe its cause i can be, you know, like cold as ice"

Photo Hosted at Buzznet.com

home for two hours. almost done reading that controversial james frey book that oprah's been touting. no opinions here. yet. made some carrot, roasted squash, dill, soy soup. so good. munching on that exact plate of sushi. spicy tofu rolls and yam rolls. oh. my. bought a small cd player for my bedroom yesterday. promptly curled into bed with boy#2 and listened to the newest live wilco cd. disc one. it was nice times. ive realized recently that i am indeed fucked up from my previous relationships (and the incidents with boy#1) that i had created this wall i didnt know existed. that im not willing to spill my heart out. beginning to take it down re: boy#2. he's the guy that i wanted to date when i was 14. punk. vegetarian. lives on his own. artist. and older. but now im the older one. and daily im pleasantly surprised by this beautiful, strong, young man. its a nice place to be.


"soooooo, what is this feeling of this multicultural policy in canada...?"

bah, so long. im listening to cbc radio one, its early morning, just popped into work. eating flax bread (wheat free!), genmaicha, and tofutti! oishi yo! ive pushed my body too far and ive come down with a cold. late nights talking to boy number two on the telephone. thinking about maybe taking it to the next level (even low level commitment is too much for me). right now his hydro is out (long story short, he couldnt pay his bill, first time he's ever lost a utility for a late bill payment) and as hard as i tried to get him to ask me over, in attempts that he gets enough confidence to think that he is good enough for me (because he is!!), i kinda pushed the issue, and we both agreed to have a camp out. with no power. candle lit flat. bathtub. bed. taking care of my sick self. sleep. that perilous and wonderful time in the beginning of a relationship when you want to spend as much time with each other as possible. more late night phone calls. wishing they were with you all the time. trying to put as much as possible into it. making it work out. making out. uh huh.


"a night spulunking..."

aka. pictures from my heart breaking, endearing, fulfilling, and exhausting trip.
Photo Hosted at Buzznet.com
my mum, sister and i hadnt been together, at the same time, for a few years. so we celebrated by doing photo essays in the hallways of my grandparents building, and going to value village. leaving a money trail behind us.

Photo Hosted at Buzznet.com
he was going in for a kiss from my grandma. she resisted. so good.

Photo Hosted at Buzznet.com
brie and me and the magic tree. in bastion square. victoria. after a $70 rebar lunch with my mum. where we drank fennel juice, ate mexican vegetarian food, and devled into carrot cake. yummers.

Photo Hosted at Buzznet.com
store fronts on robson. christmas morning. poor models, no one to have dinner with...

Photo Hosted at Buzznet.com
looking at old beautiful buildings from the 4th floor of the free carpark we were in....i love victoria so much. if i end up there i will never leave.


"allright, okay, guess its better to turn this way"

Photo Hosted at Buzznet.com
without flash? there was lots of flash!

Photo Hosted at Buzznet.com
yay for new friends! woot!

Photo Hosted at Buzznet.com
laughing about something. probably about being violated.