rupert. rupert-chan. man-cat. the new love in my life. saved from the pound by loving hearts.
last night boy (numbers now officially removed) took me for dinner. we were both strung out. i was blaming my "oddness"/attitude/shittiness on being tired, rough day at work, etc. and then, after the lovely dinner, which consisted of pakora, chutneys, copious amounts of chai) naan, and shahi paneer wraps, things got a little more uncomfortable. just our moods colliding. both of us too nervous. too unsure to do. say. anything. but i came home and instead of going to sleep i wrote. in my journal. unpacked a lot of the shit on my brain and i realized one fundamental thing about me. ive kept busy for so long that whenever i needed to deal with something i just got busier to block it out. pretend like i didnt have these "issues". and now im taking time out. lying in bed more. being at home more. spending more time asking myself questions and wondering how i got here and where im going from here and what that will look like. and its exhausting. but because im so used to blaming my moods on being tired from being busy i actually have been missing the boat. which means im not present in my process that much (im trying to get better). and that i am putting myself onto boy in that im seeing these things in him but hey hey they are me me me! so, after i relaxed we had talked on the phone (still a little highschool) and seemed to sort things out. and it seems as if we're both super nervous. scared. dont know where this is going. find it a little hard to both take our walls down. like each other. and able to decide (or him reitterating to me) to go with the flow. we made a point to give today off from each other. time to think. space to maneuver in. (and yes, im aware that all i did today was think about him).
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