"i walk the streets of japan, till i get lost, because it doesnt remind me of anything"

Photo Hosted at Buzznet.com

this afternoon we had a sex and the city type lunch where we ate out yummy cafe deux soleils breakfasts (which have destroyed my body and i feel pretty sick and gross now) where we reminisced of the year that has passed, made our own best and worst lists, and had some good discussions, fought off the shedding of tears (why cant i just let them pour?), and just lounged to our hearts content. so, before i go and get into the shouju (i think that's how you spell it..im not sure, the bottle's in korean you know!!) and the raspberry stoli, i thought i'd make myself comfortable at the helm of cranberry's beautiful fucking mac computer and type my heart out, reflect, muse, and blab about those things this past year that well, either rocked, or knocked, my beautiful socks. happy new years kiddos!! xoxo di.

best nickname acquired this year: d-train (aka. di-densha). many thanks to randy for driving this one home.
worst hangover/drinking extravaganza: definitely without a doubt, the white trash party.
best acquisition (consumer good): okay, so i love stuff, so of course this will be on here, but i'd have to say that the best thing that i acquired this year was either my pair of grey chucks, or, definitely, my hair razor!
best decision i made this year: tie! 1. quitting my job at the english school from hell, and 2. moving back to terrace.
biggest lesson learned: if i wear my heart on my sleeve, it usually means it will be hurt. and badly. so, i cant just run blindly towards people and expect them to love me the way that i want them to. even though i deserve it (the love that is).
best live show: this was the year i probably saw the fewest shows. but out of them, i think ive seen some of my favourites. so, the architecture in helsinki/wolf parade/doctor dog show in artspace (which was a total fire hazard), and seeing the killers/british sea power at the pacific colliseum. extra points for seeing wolf parade at cam's house a week later.
best trip: the last day of my kyoto-nagano extravaganza. we rode from joetsu to akayu. we took two trains and bummed a ride. half way up the western coast of japan (still in niigata) the train was stopped for just over an hour, and we had to use our superb nihongo decoding skills to try and figure out what the conductor was saying, double check with some obachans, run over to the infamous jusco and get ourselves some bentos (of local specialities the obachans later told us), take silly pictures, sweat, and dream of that time we returned back to akayu. my favourite part of that day was when when we were coming back from the coast through to nagai, and you go through tunnels, and incredible countryside. but the windows were down, and when we went through the first tunnel it was so loud, and so windy inside the train, we were all screaming through our hillarious laughter. my hair was a definite mess.
best albums of the year!!: (yeah typical right?) so, my picks are (meaning get out there and buy them dammit!!) MUSIQ - orange range. plans - death cab for cutie. picaresque - the decemberists. haughty melodic - mike doughty. sleeping in the nothing - kelly osbourne. apologies to the queen mary - wolf parade. and..bands/songs that meant a lot to me this year, but didnt really come out this year are...
1. julie doiron and the wooden stars.
2. lodestar - sarah harmer
3. danger zone - gwen stefani
4. the ridiculously hot mix tapes jeff made me that feature goldfrapp, madge, lcd soundsystem, the freestylers ("push up! your body, your body next to mine!!"), and peaches.
5. peachcake!
6. cut copy! - bright like neon love
best bus trip: the 25 hour bus trip home was amazing. i didnt have any music to listen to, and i had a cold, and was emotionally a wreck, so i just continuously chugged nyquil, slept, had feverish dreams, and awoke to some mental clarity, sureness in my move back to my hometown (which is something to not be so happy about, usually), and clear, northern air. so nice
best movie watching experience: seeing the new phantom of the opera in yonezawa. so good.

more later yo!


way off main?

sitting here in the tweedy living room listening to empress and talking about places i want to go to on main, or rather places i should go to...which leads me to google and find all of these places. so, i havent been to them yet, but im excited to. and when i go ill tell you how it went, and suggest to you that, yes, you should go.

1. the regional assembly of text. a store dedicated to letter writing, words, and they have a button maker! (im going to try and go tomorrow yo!)

2. video in. okay, so i cant go there tomorrow, b/c well, it just aint gonna happen. but i tell you! if i had time and actually lived in this city that i dont really want to live in, id partake like mad!

3. blim. place of everything cool. im so envious that im not going to be able to go to the slow dance party! sounds like too much fun (i wonder if we could pull off that sort of party in terrace??)

other fun main street things that are totally worth checking out, that i probably wont.......more time...more money!!

1. urban source. i call this store the "garbage store", but its really a craft store of fun love yo!

2. bodacious consignment. frilly underwear yo!

3. smoking lily. i want it all..
and other places i cant find websites for: hawkers, burcu's, the foundation, the whip, and the green room restaurants. yummers.

p.s. i know that my blog is boring w/o pictures, but i dont have the digital, etc. but when i get the pictures developed, i'll get some up here, i promise..)


"it aint me you're looking for, babe."

im sitting on a lovely tweedy couch. tea in my belly. tea in my bladder. ive been writing a lot on paper. processing emotions. pushing my mum to find herself. if you can do such a thing. my grandma turned seventy yesterday. much fanfare was had. this morning, when i had to leave. i almost bawled my eyes out. back in vancouver. listening to the soundtrack from walk the line. boy #3 on christmas eve delivered. its nice to have my body wanted. desperately. and treated like sexual royalty. very nice. off to drink more tea. eat homemade salsa. and later whip up a pot of lentil soup. did i say that its so nice being "home" with the lovelies?


"so this is christmas......"

Photo Hosted at Buzznet.com

this morning i meandered into my email account, hoping for some mention of meeting up or "where are you?"s from boy #3
(since then we've chatted and we're meting up in 2 hours. i must jump in the shower pronto!!) but instead i received a reply from one of my mentor's, my previous prof, my complete model for the academic/historian i want to be. she thanked me for my evocative words and informed me that she has parkinsons and is now in a wheel chair. and my heart hit the floor. she is embracing help and assistance and remaining strong and warm, welcoming and wonderful. im doubly thankful that i am in the lower mainland for christmas. that i will get to see her when i return from the island. share stories, take pictures. give her as much love as i possibly can. my heart drops because the last time we were together, in person, our dearest friend was dying of ovarian cancer. i just want to curl up and be solaced and find an internal peace. it feels like that its a time full of possibility for me here. that i never left. im learning i have to focus inwards. try to remove those excess distractions. and yet im welcoming more. merry christmas lovelies!


"off to a time and place not lost on our imaginations"

Photo Hosted at Buzznet.com

well, boy #2 spent the night both friday and saturday. we made out like mad on friday. yesterday i passed out so fast (i was very very sleepy) that we barely got any kisses in edgewise. i must say that i really like him but im having issues. he is trying to kick addictions that are coping strategies gone awry. he is currently in the process of being evicted. his being younger than me is surprisingly not the issue. but he's too needy for me. i need someone who can stand on their own two feet (not a project!!) and has confidence and doesnt undersell themselves. someone who has enough wherewithall to get into a group of people and not be shy and really get to know those around me. someone i dont have to take care of. that means a lot. so, what will i do? im driving him to the airport on wednesday, and we'll have a "goodbye". and i'll have to spend the next week or so in vancouver trying to figure myself out. he deserves attention and compassion and love. but i just dont have the energy to give it to him.


"i know im gonna need your medicine..."

Photo Hosted at Buzznet.com

im making mix cds for the christmas party this saturday. and making lists of what to cook (so far we've got pierogies from scratch, hummus-es, salsas, guac, pumpkin cheese cake, and cream puffs). setting up times to decorate the house with christmas decorations. sewing jackets for presents. staying up late with boy #2 watching garden state. holding hands. getting tingles. wanting to jump him in my bed (he spent the night). but not feeling comfortable. he has a guard up that is so understandable and validated. we've decided to not decide where our relationship is going until after we both get back from our xmas adventures. i wont be able to do it unless that wall comes down. i love boldly, blindly, and well. i need someone to do the same.

excitement is heating up for my soon to happen trip to vancouver and vancouver island. just thinking of seeing my sister makes me weepy (we're going to have so much fun together!!) and making plans with friends. wanting to get some fake nails. adventures with boy #3 (oh, sweet sweet adventures!) are anticipated. just downloaded a bunch of sufjan stevens. interesting fellow. i have dirty teeth from orangina and popcorn. im feeling empowered yet having an ugly day. i hate that i need someone else to validate my existance. yuck.


"when things got too rough, i promised you we'd leave, you're safe and sound with me."

Photo Hosted at Buzznet.com
new ballet flats! $17 keds! woot! my dad even commented on them after i returned the car to him at 9 in the morning. "nice shoes. get some sleep." uh huh. late night.

Photo Hosted at Buzznet.com
yesterday jess and i had an early day together. we went thrift shopping and fabric shopping for xmas presents and i spent an armload of cash. but at the store we saw these mugs. and she bought the starship one.

Photo Hosted at Buzznet.com
mmmmmmm. samosa salad from the hot house. jesse and i sat there for around 2 hours. kieran showed to eat with us. we drank copious amounts of chai and coloured pictures and talked about boys.

Photo Hosted at Buzznet.com
last night sam had a ping-pong tourney for his birthday and it was a ton of fun. whilst somewhat chaotic, we all got along, much swearing was had (despite the sign that said, "no fucking swearing on the court goddammit!") and definitely, definitely!!, performance enhancing drugs were consumed. but they didnt enhance performance.

Photo Hosted at Buzznet.com
winner's circle! sam and dustin. dustin won. winner of the harling cup. but i got the prize for all of my help (re: making the round robin table and being the official coach of the evening!).


"i came to get across to you"

Photo Hosted at Buzznet.com

last night boy #2 and i had a quick short talk when i drove him home at 2 a.m. basically this wonderful boy is a lot smarter than i gave him credit for. i asked him where we were at and he said that he thought we were just dating, which is fine by me. especially because there should be no rebounds. his example was mine from boy #1. which is very very smart of him. he knows i still like boy #1. and is being careful.

today is payday. and i got a $50 christmas bonus from work. which isnt a lot. unless you consider the fact that i work for a non-profit organization (read: charity). i went and spent a bunch of it already. i bought this purple cardigan.

hey, so i got distracted with getting ready to go out. and didnt finish this post. but i've posted it from the previous time. i swear i had more to say.


"there is a road that meets the road that goes to my house"

Photo Hosted at Buzznet.com

ive had a realization! i have problems with intimacy! i mean, this is so exciting. i feel like ive pinpointed my main reason for boy craziness and not being so willing to pursue any single one of these boys in a way that makes me scream "long term relationship". i mean, even boy #1, right now i dont really feel like creating a relationship with him. i have also come to the understanding that my experience with boy #1 has led me to have issues with intimacy. i was so into him and i so go too into it too fast and thought it was too good to be true. and you know what? it was! i put my fucking heart out there on the line. gave this undeserving kid a terrible amount of attention that he didnt even appreciate and had my heart stomped all over. and i cant even let him in anymore. and you know what? im having problems letting other people in too! im losing my ability to run towards people with my heart on my sleeve. and that was the part i loved the most about myself. that part! the part that just blindly loved everyone (within reason!) she's gone. and im exhausted. im not sleeping enough at night. and tonight im going to spend some time with boy #2 who works until 11pm. and i have to work in the morning. but i havent seen him since sunday, well, i dropped an avacado off for him at work yesterday. was that strange? i think i creeped him out. but then, later, he said it was okay. fuck, why has this blog turned into a blog where all i do is talk about boys. i hope that the sweet sex i will be having with boy #3 will satiate me whilst in vancouver. and then i can come back and attack boys #1 and #2 in a healthy manner. not just driven by this body that hasnt had an orgasm with somebody since september 2004. where's my prize? xoxo.


"if heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied..."

Photo Hosted at Buzznet.com

im boy crazy. and i feel silly for that last post. so ive deleted it. but, im currently chin deep in this boy-craziness. thus the listening to death cab for cutie. and explaining some predicaments.

boy #1: boy that i wanted to meet before i came home. the one i got on with over halloween. the one that i am pining over. all the time. the only way that ive been able to deal with the fact that he "just wants to be friends" is for me to put my guard up. and now every-single-thing he says to me i assume its a personal attack of some sort. so i just harass him and lay on the sass. i cant seem to let that guard down and so even when he says something complimentary to me i assume hes attacking me for some reason. we cant have a regular conversation anymore because all we have are these little bits of competitive dialogue. and its bugging me because i just want to scream at him and fight for myself. just rip my heart out of my chest and run towards him. and maybe im seeing everything as an attack because i cant, im not willing to, admit to myself that perhaps i do want this kid in my life. in a terrible way. and fuck no! im not willing to settle for just friends. and that if he and i were together it would be perfect. and i could just climb back under that fleece blanket, trace my finger on his tattoo, and bury my face in his beard. right now that's what i want. but im just not so good at fighting for myself. bah.

boy #2: boy that ive been seeing recently. we made out at a party on friday. and there's no chemistry whatsoever. and i think that im using him as an outlet for my misplaced energy from boy #1. and rumour has it peoplet think we're a couple. and he brought it up on saturday and i was too drunk and stoned to answer properly and just said, "can we talk about it later?" and then now it's later and i had an opportunity, and the onus is on me. but i didnt do it. i didnt initiate that conversation because i dont know what i want from this endearing, wonderful kid. and that perhaps no matter how much i joke about liking the younger set, its actually a lie and im really wanting an older partner. and i just for some reason cannot put any energy into this boy. i cant psych myself up about him. and i was excited for a little bit. but then this morning woke up and decided i had to end it. put it back on the friends track. and it gives me a lot more insight into situation with boy #1 and where he's coming from. but i still dont know why he wanted to "just" be friends. (okay, talking about boy #1 again, that's smart. i should learn to keep it in its own section...see how much my mind has been on this!?) this is obviously left unfinished and i hope to be consumed by my work this week so that i dont really have to deal with this.

boy #3: the beautiful boy in vancouver. the one who writes me love letters. and has asked me to stay with him for a few days while i am in vancouver. and says that he'll cook for me. and increase his muscles to show me. and practise his english conversation so he can speak to me. and be the man that really wants to see me. and its just frivolous fun really. but he and i have serious chemistry. ridiculous. so i think im going to stay with him on christmas eve. now that sounds like a ton of fun. the wheels are in motion.