think about the blood that's pumping keeping you alive

autumning from di.jw.5 on 8tracks Radio.

FUCK MERCURY RETROGRADE.

I spend most of my time split between manic diandra and depressed diandra. My life lesson right now is learning to just find one clime of emotion and stick to it. I have a feeling 2013-2015 is going to be a disaster of sorting myself out to get to this emotional stability I yearn for. Meaning, I don't get to be in that space just yet. Sure, rationally I could just give myself that emotionally stable space and take it. But I have very little idea how. So instead I vacillate between manic and depressed enjoying the up and crashing like fuck. Blah. I'm actively working on it asking for support from myself, my friends, counselling, and the universe. The process sucks today because I am in depressed diandra land and thanks to Mercury Retrograde I will probably be like this until mid-November.

The confluence of MR and depressed diandra is utterly the worst. In a real sense so many parts of my life are in disarray (finances, work, home, emotions, love, connection) and my resiliency gets utterly tested. It kind of takes *everything* for me to keep it together. I have a few strategies to keep afloat and this is me publicly committing to them!

1. give people their space. spend more time with myself. wait until the darkness passes and reconnect.
2. stay physically active. more bike rides. more yoga.
3. get out of my comfort zone a little bit.
4. don't spend any more money
5. actively do the things I have committed to do (move houses, GIRLS article, blog post for shameless, grant applications x 2, HSH stuff)
6. stop freaking out
7. don't make anymore commitments of any kind until it passes

Fall is here and winter is coming. Looking forward to growing through the next few weeks but fuck I cannot wait until it's over.

it gets you down, it gets you down, there's no spark, no light in the dark

my paycheck has completely disappeared. I've had it for, oh, about 10 hours and it's just gone. i had to put a mass on my credit card to prepay for a renta-car for a work conference this week, and they'll reimburse me, and rent, and, god, what else. this is what i've spent my money on this week: bus pass, lunch at north 54, dinner at cimo, tons on groceries from ava maria (yay for juicing carrots and organic coffee, but really, i can for sure live with another week of tuna sandwiches, eggs, and more tuna sandwiches). i'm not good at being poor. i was so poor for so long and then i had access to more money than i ever had (which still hasn't been a lot, i mean, our car is definitely a parts car and we have a tight tight spending week) and it's hard to go back to being super poor again. i would not know what i would do if i was paying my student loans, and i have to find 1500cdn for tuition for may. hey, this must be boring, talking about my money, my financial woes (yay for haikus!!) xoxo
p.s. don't forget to check out the pgcraft event this weekend at PG Craft Collective!

this is how we do it! south central does it like nobody does.

so, the boys will probably hate me for the above. late night, we're all tired, and we just ate grease! bleck. expensive grease to boot. but look at how cute they all are!? yay for camera. yay for torie.

today tor, stewart, and i went to the mall for only 1 hour (1/2 hour longer than we planned) and we're standing in cotton ginny getting ready to kill one another. we lost our personalities and our gumption and those fabulous things about us. the mall definitely destroyed us (we even went to mcdonald's after) and then we sought santuary in Bryndis's shop, meow records, and spent a bunch 'o money. (we ended up feeling better about ourselves. i bought the first winks' album, some eric's trip singles, and old doiron disc, and stewart this live sunny day cd) and now i'm absolutely broke. baaaah! my paycheck is officially gone. i have a half tank of gas and we have pretty much no food. so i must spend the last of my money on food, which is fine: except that we won't have another paycheck in this house until the 1st. NOT GOOD!

okay, with that poverty-based diatribe i'm going. we can't buy anyone else any xmas presents and nothing will get sent. oh, and i have to read the entirety of the second sex by simone de beauvoir by, oh the second week of school! i'll be reading up a storm.