i'll take it anyway you let it go...

what kind of wedding is this? so i just sent off the email to my employers telling them that i need to not renew my contract. it was *very* hard to write. right. you get it. i'm nervous about their reaction. that's a problem! i don't have secure work for after that date, but have a few options, a few recommendations, and have a job interview next tuesday. this whole thing stresses me out. not the quitting b/c i don't have an official job next (i hate not being in a secure situation), but stressed about how they'll respond, how much work i have to do in the next month, papers, assignments, all that jazz. it's not the best place to be, but it'll work out, this is my destiny!

this morning on the way to work, i catch the bus now, i'm trying not to drive my car re: global warming, need to take responsibility!! and this puppy had followed this other woman to the bus stop and it was so cute, and shaking, and had no tags, though it had a collar, and it followed us on the bus, and i had to kick it off. no one else took responsibility for the dog though. as i kicked it off an elder picked it up and gave it love. i'm not sure what happened to it, but ran into kellen (new friends, yay!) and he talked passionately about how it could have been the littlest hobo, it seemed smart, and then more about the show. we joked about the wits of a dog travelling along long transnational highways stopping in small towns to get everyone to like eachother again and pull random kids out of wells and house fires. oh hobo, litte (esq). we have yet to name you puppy. but now i want a dog! gack, i'm still nervous! i'm going to write some proposals for conferences and then go for beer and go home to bed! yay! xoxo.


last week i had the strangest dream, where everything was exactly how it seemed.

okay, so my sister updated her blog with pictures of her most beautiful hair, and i needed to take this opportunity to say that i think she's awesome and i love her and she's so pretty and i get to see her next week while i'm down for an FASD conference in victoria. pretty!!! ta! oh, and check out her awesome music!!!


the basic principle of healing is letting go of the things that hurt us and surrounding ourselves with the things that nurture us.

random fan
this is a general call for help and guidance and general advice. one of the "friends" from that previous night of avoidance called here, knowing we were out, and left a message requesting that i call and clear up the negative energy between us as i have not been acknowledging this person when i see them for the last little while. so, i decided that i do not want this person in my life, they bring me down, are negative, and needy to a fault (and when you don't give them the attention you want, ie. saying hi in public to acknowledge their existence, they call you on it immediately and you end up looking like the bad guy, if there were a bad guy). and i'm tired of having negativity around me. i have not known this person long and hardly think that we're close, but they obviously think differently because of the message. i do not want to call this person back, i don't want to acknowledge them, and i don't like conflict. i don't feel like it's my responsibility for me to explain myself or defend my actions. i don't think i'd feel comfortable telling them the above reasons why i feel like i don't want to be their friend. in fact, the main reason i don't want to be their friend is because i don't want to. isn't that enough? so, advice would be nice.
today was nice out and i took a bunch of pictures and want to share. xoxo.

go foam or go home!
go foam? go home? hm.

yay for back alley garbage, look candy machines!

this is the fire department
jeremy stewart is the fire department!

oh, prince george, your grafitti is STRANGE!

driving down 15th
fifteenth at central.

driving past a building on 15th
oh my, our car windows are dirty!

apples! low produce prices
this is what happens when you walk past the apples and almost miss the low prices, blurry apples!

the bright lights in the grocery store are just insane!


it took me all of a year to put the poison pill to your ear, but now i stand on honest ground, honest ground

i just came up to school to finish writing this paper and being my glossary of terms. i'm exhausted. woke up w/ stewart at 7am and spent a few hours familiarizing myself with facebook (is this the new myspace? but for "normal" people?) and making a cd for a dear friend. shared a coffee table w/ gavin where we mutally shared the plug for our laptops and completely ignored eachother to get our work done! so funny! the first time i sit down with him and we don't even have a conversation. that will have to be one of my new to do things. to have a conversation with him. well, and go see the band perform sometime in march! i really like their shoe-grazer esque sound. something i'm consistently in to. so i'm going to drink my lemon scented tea (kinda yuck, but it was free!) and write my review re: feminism and race and class, which i'll post on here later. promise. last night we went to see joey only (nee. picture!!~) and throatkick. throat kick is interesting?? and joey only was great as usual, we were just so tired we headed home early! yay for sleeping before midnight. hey, did you watch the last episode of the o.c.? do you know how hard it was not to cry?? man!

she is part of the dawm - mix feb. 2007

The Gulag Orkestar - Beirut
Ego - The Sounds
Tammy Faye - Young People
halfrabbit halfdog - Deerhoof
Nebraska's Valentine - Les Georges Leningrad
Stay Monkey - Julie Ruin
Mesopotamia - The B-52's
Down On The River By The Sugar Plant - Mike Doughty
Pita Pata - Hanayo
Suffer for Fashion - Of Montreal
The Gap (Between the Rich and the Poor) - You Say Party! We Say Die!
Enough About Me, Let's Talk About Me - Thunderbirds Are Now!
Once And Never Again - The Long Blondes
Alala - CSS
Save Me - Kelly Osbourne
Black History Month (Girl On Girl Revision) - Death From Above 1979 Feat. Final Fantasy
Seventeen Years - Ratatat
Turn On Me - The Shins
The Way We Get By - Spoon
over and over - Hot Chip
Young Folks - Peter Bjorn And John
i'll be by your side - Sally Shapiro


on lunch break at work. my neck hurts. my eyes hurt. my head hurts. and i'm cranky. i feel like things are getting worse and i do not know what to do to stop the escalation of badness. i have a desk on the hill now which is awesome! and i will get up there to work as often as possible. last night we went out with a bunch of people that i honestly have considered friends, and aside from the two people who were great, everyone else was pretty exclusionary and rude and insisted on sitting at a separate table (like it's fucking highschool and we're fighting in line for the chen-dogs!). i mean, we all came here together, can't we at least *try* to sit together? so, my attempts were dismissed. coincidentally at the same time i ran into a girl from school who told me that she really liked me taking a stand and raising my voice for alternative/ethical porn and healthy sexualities and that we should hang out more! very nice. the people i did sit with and have food/beer with were amazing. i just can't believe that people would insist on such exclusionary tactics. so, decided that my reasons for not wanting to go out have been validated, people i don't want to hang out with are officially deemed as "no-longer-friends". grr. moving on!


i think gender studies is going to be okay!

new pink scarf
working at my eensy tiny desk on the hill. getting things done. reading bell hooks. we're going to the pool here in a short bit to hang out w/ stewart's friends from highschool and their baby. we had the baby talk the other day. you know, the talk you have before the crisis so when the crisis happens you can make a somewhat sane decision? today i bought more cds; julie doiron (woke myself up), cursive (happy hollow), and jill cunnif (city beach). it's a pretty good stack. i'm all caught up on my o.c. now just waiting for the final episode on thursday, which i will promptly download and consume. joey only outlaw band is in pg on friday---->fun! yesterday went to the vv 50percent off sale and got this wonderful scarf. and some teeshirts. a mighty wind vhs. the cutest "bee mine" pin w/ a bee. really good finds. i've been not sleeping as much as i need to lately and have been nauseaus. having a desk at school is nice. bring on the 16 hour days! xoxo.


we looked the same, we talked the same

i'm having one of those days where i just feel like i've wasted an entire day. i slept in (because i was up until an ungodly hour knitting this toque for stewart which is just the cutest by the way) and then spent the rest of my early day ripping a cd, watching the oc. (season four episodes 9,10,11), knitting. then, i met with stewart and handed out some fliers for the craft collective, went thrift shopping (managed not to buy craft supplies, but i did buy jeans!), and attempted to go craft shopping *this town is so hard to buy craft supplies in! hella i miss the creative zone! and everything here is so expensive. it was definitely an experience that made me not want to live here. this town is not alterna-craft friendly. the fucking woman at the craft store didn't even know about acrylic mediums!* we went to white spot (bleck) and then came home and i did some homework and then watched another four episodes of the o.c. (we found the dvd set of season one at v.v. for $30. and, well, bought it.) i also bought some really pretty fabric to make a dress out of to wear to stewart's cousin's wedding in march. i just ate alot (well, barely ate today but feel super stuffed! it's gross, probably just dehydrated and tired) and need to climb into bed with my reading. and tomorrow's so laundry day. and we have a lot of laundry. oh, now i remember what i've been talking around but trying to say: yesterday, last night, we went to meow records and bought a bunch of stuff!! like the rob crowe, and an old sunny day real estate, and an old against me (or anti-flag, can't remember), and then i bought girl monster, really old for torie (xmas!), and hole live through this, and and and (!!!) hey everyone who are just incredible! and fun and lo-fi and i love it. so, listen to it and buy it!! support local artists (but not local craft stores, because as i mentioned above, they suck!)


those heavy metal bands we used to see out on the landing in the summer, she fell in love with the drummer

you have got to check out dan monick the photographer of this lovely photo (which you can buy at art for empty walls, which is SO awesome!) this evening stewart took me out for dinner (he also gave me the sweetest card for v-day and a fluffy kitty journal which i'm going to use for my pornography theory class this fall) and we went to sushi factory sendo and had so much sushi that i almost burst. we had a dynamite roll, yam tempura, california, spicy tuna, tekka, kappa, and salmon maki. just so full. and, they're selling japanese food products like mochiko (oishi yo!) and cheap cheap japanese mayo, and well, stewart just told me he was making an egg wrap because he's hungry. i don't think i could eat for a while. anyway, they had soba from NANYO!! Yamagata ken! Can you belive it?? (i'll post a picture tomorrow or something). so cool. so awesome. and i bought a bag and it will be eaten!! (but not now!) i have been having hard time sleeping lately. not too good. it's definitely stress related which i don't really enjoy and i must do more things to regulate/reduce my stress. i'm definitely cutting my hours at work and will talk with my boss tomorrow re: what that looks like. and we can afford it, so that's good too. i'm really not with it right now. i think i'm to go wash this makeup off my face and brush my teeth and get some water because i'm oh so thirsty from the sushi and the salt from the shoyu. ooooh, we went to walmart (i know, but well, i heart wal-fart sometimes, like i got cute skull and heart leggings (come on! where else in prince george could i get those, plus size?!), shorts for one dollar, and a great black skirt for 4 dollars. and we bought marie antoinette!! yay! love it!


you can look, but you can't touch, i don't think i like you much, heaven knows what a girl can do, heaven knows you have a lot to prove!

well, they're cutting my program. just as i was talking about being angry now i'm really fucking angry. i mean, i will still be able to finish my program. but no one else after me will be able to take the program. when i hear the official word tomorrow the anti-unbc stance begins! one of the things i just loved about this community, the only reason we moved here!!!!, is now, well, not available for anyone else. quite disappointed really. on the good side i'm reducing my hours at work, and quite substantially. i just need to figure it out exactly and get back to them. it's nice that they know i need to just work less! phew. so, with that we're going to lose like $300/month minimum and i need your support! so buy my stuff (yes, shameless!!)


i've got nowhere to go, don't move so slow...i can't take it

my dearest friend in japan got married! yay! so exciting! thank you to martin for posting photos (and videos!!) of the event of the year! i am quite sad that i couldn't be there to wish her a happy wedding and just be a good friend. i beat myself up quite a bit a number of months back. i really wanted to attend this wedding and support her, but it was simply just impossible. i had a dream while i was making up my mind about attending and the dream sent the message to me that it would be better if i stayed in canada as the reasons i was wanting to go to japan for weren't ones that would be solved there. i need to heal here, healing there won't help. and i stayed and feel like a shitty friend. (and how beautiful she is!!)


Girl germs lead to little virus...

today we were talking about anger in my gndr ss class. we were talking about how there's so much fucking shit in the world to fight against all the time and how in the world do we either remove ourselves from that fight or just fucking keep fighting? how do we keep fighting and create change? is it possible? how can we just stand by and watch things like women's studies programs getting cut, fucking picton trial, underfunded transition houses, let alone this fucking media obsession with stick-thin models!!!?? and then trying to battle feminine narcissism and feminist guilt and for fuck sakes! dworkin was right! we're so fucked!! so fucking fucked!!-----(stewart just asked, "are you still having a bath??" so true this is bath time, self care time, time to read homework while submerged in bubblie, dirty-girl, bubble bath. it makes our house smell like lilacs!)-----how are we supposed to fucking reconcile the fact that everytime we have intercourse we fucking lose our identities through the act of fucking and that fucking leave us hollow fucking holes for patriarchy's pleasure! can we even enjoy sex anymore knowing this? (well, i will, but that's not the point). dworkin is right! we're fucked fucked fucked! so, i listened to hole today (You can try to suck me dry/But there's nothing left to suck/Just you try to hold me down/Come on, try to shut me up/Step and fetch, grease my hips/I don't even have to pause) and it was incredible to just rest in the anger and the rage. something i don't often do as a young feminist who is really fucking pissed off with the shit that women have to go through. enough!
on a side note, this evening we watched leningrad cowboys do america and it was really nice to see a movie with comedic details, incredible shots and cinematography, and well, dirty grungy rock and roll. it made me want to watch the commitments. idea for today: themed movie nights that run over a monthly period. ie. dirty rockumentaries, sexploitation, and eighties junk in the trunk. would be so fun. too bad our tv is so small. ordered jane jacob's death of american cities. had a grilled cheese for lunch, grilled cheese for dinner, writing a paper, and i napped today instead of yoga, definitely trading one self care activity for another.


Cause I don't need to satisfy tonight!

lovely flowers from glo-bug
flowers from the lovely gloria!!

have you ever read the open letters at mcsweeney's internet tendency? well, they're quite funny, relieving, and humourous. and, over at the bust lounge they have a whole section where you can write those letters never sent! so nice. and well, pissed off at my neighbour so i just wrote a big one, which is below. i felt so violate by his exchange this morning, well, his telling me the way it is, that i felt nauseaus and taken advantage of. so i smudged the whole house and it's feeling better. but this is something that i don't want to deal with. at all. missed both the film fest and the aboriginal writers and storyteller's festival which sucks. but got a bunch of books from the school library, i'm writing a paper for school/conferences on third wave feminist approach to grrrl internet-identity! yay! p.s. enjoy the letter!! xoxo.

Dear My Neighbour:

Now, I know that living in the North means that it snows! I also know that I often hear you swearing loudly through the walls of our duplex, and I hear you screaming at your dogs, hitting your dogs, and arguing loudly with your girlfriend who I rarely see and have never spoken to. I also can tell that you do not do anything, well, when you're at your duplex at least! I know that you do not have a job (unless it's selling drugs, but not enough people come over to indicate that) and that you smoke a lot of pot (this isn't a diatribe against pot smokers, just *this* pot smoker) as I can often smell it through the bathroom walls of this moldy old duplex!

Back to the snow! It snows! I know it snows! And what do you do with snow when it snows? Well, you shovel it. See now, for a while we didn't have a shovel, and well, being as ghetto as we are we never shovelled. But miraculously you shovelled, or left your shovel out and we used it. Then you began shovelling the drive way to fit a million cars, or at least four school buses, then you'd knock furtively on our window and ask, "when are you going to shovel." not once did you talk to my boyfriend, talk to him about shovelling. Well, you did today, when he *was* shovelling and you said, "hey man, don't worry about it, it'll just snow over it anyway, if you need help, just ask". No, you didn't put down my boyfriend for not shovelling, nor did you tell him that it was his job to shovel, that i should shovel, as you told me when i joked about sending him out to shovel.

But then, yesterday you were gone, and the day before, and it snowed a lot, and well, I shovelled the drive way and moved my car off the street and into a small part of the drive. And, there's enough room for your car, can you believe it? And the walkway's shovelled, and the porch had 1/2 inch of snow from this morning, but you knocked anyway and said, "well, you can't park in the drive way if you don't shovel". and I indicated I had shovelled the morning prior and you stuck up your stoned gloved finger in my face and said "once, you shovelled once, you better keep shovelling, or you can't park in the driveway!" And then we shovelled and you had the above exchange with my boyfriend, so we decided we'd follow our plan and we'd shovel where we use the driveway and the porch we'll do the whole thing (unlike you who only shovels your 1/2!!).

I want to know what you're trying to say to me, what you're actually trying to say, because I'm getting the feeling that you like shovelling and well, you're jealous that no one has set up some fucking club for you. is that it?

In loving honesty,



i'm high enough from all the waiting to ride a wave when you're inhaling

sleepy face
well, this week has been super packed and even though it's saturday, well, i have too much to do as well! writing this paper on feminism and pornography for class (the saturday lament), and doing the readings for it. i have this scarf i'm working on, giving it some crochet details which is fun. of course! i bought this green scarf from tinted designs when i was in vancougar the other day. it was nice to get together with the lovelies i know and really connect with them. i don't often see most of them and all of them together is admittedly a little overwhelming b/c i can't give everyone the attention i want to!! i got some really great presents (such as mystic dreamers, a romance novel about amerindians at the time of contact and love between two people from an arranged marriage during turbulent times, so funny!). i'm just reading that the o.c. is ending on february 22nd. well, that's good because well, i don't need it to take over my whole life. and, i just learned a great lesson about cats and kitty litter. never buy non-clumping and non-deoderizing. you waste more litter this way and you house begins to smell like pee!! yuck.


come away, teach me sweetheart...

new bulletin boards!
saturday instead of studying i put together the bulletin boards, (ahem! ceiling tiles from northern hardware!), and stewart was recovering from eating the tequila worm and i was banging away on the wall. this is right where the laptop currently sits. stewart's computer will be hooked up shortly, ie. when they come over and fix it, yay for warrenties. today was total self care day. i had class this morning and had tea instead of coffee, and then had more earl grey later, but then i had a coffee and it didn't make me feel too good. so i could honestly be on tea now for a while, i wonder if it'll be any different? so, after my class, which was directionless, which was disappointing: i think that i can take a stronger role in giving the class direciton. i just need to know how to do that! so, then i studied, sorted my stupid bank not giving me my paycheck thing out, payed a bunch of bills and ta da have no money noW!!! haha. i went to the counsellor, i got a locker, i got an office on the hill (to use on mondays!), and went to stretch class, had a tan, had a sauna, had a shower, and caught the bus home listening to the marie antoinette soundtrack, pretty awesome. now stewart's making dinner (yay veggie dogs and home fries!! love love!!) and i'm updating all my web crap..well, this isn't webcrap, this is weblove, but you know, the internet is a time sucker and this laptop o' mine is definitely a procrastination machine. i think that we're going to curl up and watch some tv and then i'll knit and eat my food yummy and then hit the sack for another long day tomorrow! on wednesday i get to see some of my v-city peeps, and some pg peeps who are there right now!! (yes, i'm a homie, do you wanna hear me say fo-shizzle!?) oh, and today, the roads, if you live in pg you'll know, were so icy i had to come back inside and change my shoes from my sugar shoes, to my chucks (i was wearing a skirt and i had to match, a little!!), and i almost died. then we get to the hill and the 15 (bus to unbc) is jackknifed (not our bus, the returning bus) and it was pretty awesome to see. man, terrace and it's snow chains!! miss it!! xoxo

Someone likes Ophelia!

Girl of the North Country: No Photographs or Big Productions: A Mix for January 2007


i've been rappin' for about 17 years okay, i don't like my stuff anymore!

a few things have been happening lately. i had my intake at the counselling office and it went well. but then it took the counselling office around 2 weeks for them to get their stuff together and call me back. and i contacted the intake worker a few times: it was quite frustrating! and when i went into the counselling office and spoke with another counsellor there i felt like she was patronizing. okay, side note, i'm slouched in the big beige chair in our living room, and the laptop is well, on my lap. so, rupert's been lonely and he's just doone his catlike crawl up to my breasts and is literally lying on them, and my chest, cleaning himselff and just purring away, huffing and relaxing. so, this means that i cannot see the keys nor the keyboard and i'm typing all funny because i'm not having visible affirmation that i am typing the write words. no, i don't look at the keyboard, but if i could see the monitor i could tell if i was making mistakes.

what else.our neighbours. i'm going to come right out and say i don't liek them. they smoke a lot of pot nd it seeps into our suit through the bathroom. some nights i want to have a bath and can't because it smells so bad in our bathroom and i get surface high from it, which i dislike---alot!!! they're both sort of aggressive people and the guy, i don't htink he has a job and his hobbies are porn at eight htirty in the morning and well, video games and smoking pot. the girl does work and go to school and isn't around all the time, but when it was snowing lots he would be out there once, twice a dayh shovelling shovelling and he'd shovel enough room for a frickin' fleet of school buses in the driveway, and then knock on our door and say, "when are you going to shovel?" i guess me parking in his driveway that he so wonderfully hovelled was such a problem. and then the next day it snowed something like two fucking inches and he comes over: when are you going to shovel? i joked, yeah i'll send stewart out there to shovel, and he says!!, "well, you should shovel to you know!" and he's all fucking stoned and being abusive nd patronizing in nature and i'm supposed to take him seriously!? fuck, i was so mad. sso we've been parking on the street for most of the winter and it hasn't snowed recently, but just now i shovelled like an inch off of the entire porch (he would only shovel his side of the porch with this definitive line down the middle between our suites-=--some peopel are so fucked up!) anyway, as i'm coming inside he's just running out to shovel the 1 inch of snow ton the lawn to his car (we don't have a walk way!) so funny!!!. so, the problem is that i have to park mycar for a week (trying to stop my addition to climate change, i think that we'll definitely sell the car to save the environment!) and i have to park in the drivewyay. as i said there's enough room for a car lot in the driveway the way that he shovelled, but i get this sinking feeling he's going to say, "you can't parkin the driveway, you didn't shovel. bastard. i get nervous about stuff like that. well, and that sinking feeling of being abused. he has this power game re: shovelling. a close friend here said, "maybe he needs to resign himself to the fact that he likes shovelling!" god, and i must get this nauseaus feeling out of my stomach. he just doesn't make me feel safe in my home! so, with that a few weeks ago stewart and i decided we're moving for may 1st. thank god. hopefully closer to the downtown core. that would be nice. maybe we can get a suite in a heritage home that's a little bigger?

last night we watched this great movie called, "the oh in ohio". it stars parker posey, paul rudd, misha barton, and danny devito. it was cute and i love parker posey, really.


What are you doing tonight?

Rae Spoon is in Terrace! Tonight at the Artful Cup! So, if you're in Terrace, you had better be there! Rae played pg the other night and we went and stewart fell in love and i rekindled my love for Rae. Stewart bought his cd that morning and we've listened to it on and on and on and on. buy it!

jeremy stewart is in Vancouver at the railway club! Looks like the best of Prince George is coming to you!! Info:
Railyway Roots Jam, Mid Winter Night's Reverie 2
4:30-8:00pm: Railyway Roots Jam, with host Butch Murphy.

From 8:00pm:
Step and a Half Multimedia presents Mid Winter Night's Reverie 2 @ The Railway Club featuring The Roothless Mayhem Band, Evan Symons, Vonnegut Dollhouse, Jeremy Stewart with Erin Arding, Jump and Dash , Tuck, The Nervous Breakdowns and Transylvanian Polka .

Show starts at 8:45 sharp! Doors: 8:00pm
Cover: Members: $8 Guests: $10

======so get out of your beds, your art houses and your burbs, because my two favourite towns are getting a musical treat!======================