here comes the pour! i haven't posted on this blog in a long time regarding emotional issues: which, in all honesty, is what i used it alot for when i was in nihon. but, i hate it because i feel like i have no one to talk to (which isn't true, i've talked to a few people): but, i'm in emotional turmoil, and you all know how much i hate journalling, so i'm going to dump it on you. and of course, not all of the details are here, because that's how i am.

so, prince george has been honestly great. i feel like i left terrace on a not-so good note with a few friends, and those have somewhat been patched up (one friend is there always, he understands me like no other), but i've felt really closed off to making new friends (platonic shadows) since i've been here. i'm having a really hard time opening up to the new peeps, and i'm sure that it's hard for them too, and they're not dumb, they probably all see it. the people i've met here are incredible and i want to foster positive relationships with all of them: it's just difficult.

on the stewart and i front things are difficult, and it's because i have all of this baggage from previous relationships that i'm having a hard time dealing with. after working as a counsellor myself i feel that my communication techniques are getting better (i still have a ways to go), and i'm actually dealing with things (rather than avoiding them like before)--but the last longterm relationship i was in i was so depressed and didn't know it--that's the hard part, being sad, hating your partner, wanting out, having no self esteem, etc. i'm not facing any of that this time, thank heavens!!, but i'm having problems opening up (ta dah, see a theme here?) to being in a relationship (the one i am sure is the relationship) with this incredible man.

on top of this, work has been somewhat of a struggle for me too).

and, of course, i'm still dealing with being super poor (we all know how being poor magnifies every little thing to the max and your life feels like crap and you feel suffocated because you cannot even go to the store and buy bacon, nor drive your car because it has no gas and you can't afford gas, and you don't get paid for almost another week and you're tired of asking your boyfriend to buy you coffee or give you five bucks for gas even though you drive him to work all the time! being poor is difficult and isolating).

and, all of this compounds into self esteem issues (which are hard for me because i'm fat! and fat-girl clothes are expensive. and i've broken chairs in public and i feel like everything i put in my mouth just makes me fatter. it's not a good place to be).

okay, so after that dump, my toast is done. i'm going to go lie down, do a reading, and wait for stewart to get home from his walk so we can lie down together.

last night i felt restless, so i took care of some much needed letter writing. some of them were over a year overdue. yikes. i have three packages also sitting on my floor. when i have more money i will definitely send those out. (here's hoping). my idea for today. a coworker's 15 yr old daughter and i are going to set up a booth for the farmer's market! yay! and, why is it just now that i'm discovering brightblack morning light? why didn't anyone tell me earlier?? xoxo.

i'm just a penny on a train track waiting for my judgement day

today i decided to walk to work! and it was -10.6C outside, isn't that nuts! it's so cold. and i was a bit underdressed: now i know tomorrow i must wear leggings and leg warmers and a winter jacket. i walked happily along to sufjan stevens, mike doughty, yo la tengo, and pinback. i wish it was warmer. then i'd ride my bike, and wear a skirt. the walk was about 45 minutes and killed me. i haven't had much physical activity in a while and am coming down with a cold. tomorrow i'm definitely wearing my puffy jacket.

i want to be paid for my ideas. i always have ideas popping into my head and i rarely get to see them to fruition. i would love to come up with an idea, have someone love it and give me money and resoures to see it to completion. i'd be the facilitator of said idea. so, today i had a few ideas...

idea #1. there was a house fire over the holidays and a single mom is without personal items or a place to live and i thought it would be great if we can make some cans to collect money through books and company! (i might actually do this one, a cohort is calling the family to see what we can do, and is getting back to me: i mean, if someone has already started a collection, then...)

idea #2. the gym i go to has a great stretch teacher and a wicked stretch class but there are a number of women in the class who are "plus size" (i hate all terms like this, you know that) who have difficulties with the stretches. and it would be cool if the gym developed a "plus size" focused stretch class that takes body size into account.

idea #3. stewart's birthday. ideas abound here. none of which i will share until after his birthday just incase he reads this.

idea #4. it's our anniversary month (one year!) and i think that it would be cool if we got one of our friends to take photographs with us.

idea #5. planning wedding invitations. no we're not engaged...yet.

see! isn't it nuts!? and this isn't even a very productive idea day. last night i had all of these ideas for cafe voltaire and how to get the ideas to the managers (ie, writing a letter, having a taste-testing party, rewriting a management strategy for them, etc). i'm a machine!

mmm, red alder, and ginger, and this mysterious root, oh my!

we just dyed stewart's hair red (again, this time a touchup. in a week or so he is *so* getting a morrissey haircut) and he put on this headband and grabbed the raquet and ta dah! he's a rebel with[out] a racket!

i worked today and was oddly very stressed out after. str-ange. (well, not so strange, but very telling.) i have a sore throat now, and it's after 11 (eek). we watched the last two episodes of season 3 of the o.c. no more o.c. talk for a while. i knew that they would kill marissa off, and it's true, i really began to like marissa and hope for the best for her, and it would make sense that some crazy guy would try to get her (and consequently kill her). it's interesting that even though ryan has always been able to "save" her the final scenes showed his inexperience (as in, just stop the car, turn around and head back. the least that v-shit would have been able to do would be to slam the car into a rock. or slow down and get behind him and call the cops??) in a situation like that--so maybe not the best saviour afterall: but definitely the love of marissa's life. oh man, i cannot believe i talked about the o.c. for that long. it's almost time for the best of 2006 lists. yay!

i'm reading the second sex and really loving it. a lot of the tenants that i hold to my own feminism are in beauvoir's writings. i'm starting to wonder if she was the first to get these things on paper? some of it does bug me a litte, as in i don't care about biology so i don't want to discuss at length how a gamete blah blah blah.

i have this feeling that next year i will have a baby. but i don't want a baby now, nor next year (the year after??). definitely a struggle. and i'm not ready to have that discussion, make that choice. gaaaah. well, at least i don't have to make the choice now (and i'm definitely not choosing to stop having sex just because i fear getting pregnant..maybe i should just stop stressing out!!)... so many things happening all the time so many thoughts so many sore body parts i need more baths and walks and tea with red alder and hugs, and definitely, definitely, more friends in pg. (i also need to learn to open up to those wonderful friends around me!!) okay, bedtime now.

you are the drinks i keep and keep drinking and fall down stumble

our house! we've been here a few months and i finally feel like we're settling in. so, to show off a bit of it--i didn't do any charolette york-style pre-photo session cleaning, but i also didn't take pictures of the piles of stuff everywhere (this place is so small, imagine if we had a child? we'd have absolutely no room anywhere!!!)


my mum gave me these sheer curtains a few years ago and they're perfect in our bedroom. she just bought us these star garlands from the 10,000 villages sale in terrace: they're so beautiful! i love them. they'll definitely be up for the whole year, not just for the holidays.


we have this yellow dresser in our bedroom that we bought from an old man who lives by the hospital. his backyard was a maze of old furniture, electronics, vines, and apple trees. we put a dessert tray on the dresser for our jewellery and many things adorn the little space. i love the picture of stewart at his prom!


in our living room we have this big blank wall. i'm a modernist: i love piles of frames, or weird magazines, bulletin boards with scraps of everything on them, typewriters on the floor, etc. i bought these frames at a garage sale (the vintage photo is from the hospital aux in terrace. the art on the right is by a friend from highschool, trina myhr. stewart acquired the hockey stick with his dad and younger brothers years ago.


next to our front door we have a random assemblage of things: basically our "foyer" is our living room. no space for a couch, just a random assortment of great cheap chairs (imagine, a wooden vintage chair and a wingback for 15bones?). our books are also a very random assemblage: but our shoes? absolutely a hipster pile.


the dining area in the kitchen. i'll take a picture when it's dark out. it's luminous. the pink salt rock is from the himalayas! my kitchen feels so good now (i used to hate it!!)


looking out our kitchen window. my mum made the shelf and the curtains. i love it. there's definitely a red theme happening in our kitchen. stewart and i had just got home and he put the sos pads on the shelf--a very interesting choice. and they were moved (tee hee).

but i like watching you undress and i think that we're at our best..

again, more trials and tribulations of the o.c. jeremy ball gave a great paper on the o.c. and the "downfall of marissa" for our english class this past semester. and while everyone in america is partway into the 4th season, im cruising towards the end of the third and rapt. marissa just stopped hanging with vol-shit (his friends were gang-raping a girl marissa considered to be her nemesis), cohen told summer he didn't love her anymore, ryan's opening the door to his mom, and darling kristen is contemplating drinking again. what a family--and nothing like mine (phew!).

well, merry christmas everyone! we had christmas dinner with tor's family and it was so yummy, funny, and really warm: which was nice. tor's grandma (and dad) are from croatia and her baba (grandma) was surprised to find out that, ta dah!, i too am croatian! hehe. christmas really was full of wonders from santa claus. stewart got me some great presents such as a bill bisset book, a newyorker themed notebook, a calendar about japan, a book about a northern man who travelled through bc aboriginal communities, and a nat king cole three cd box set (who knew!) it's so fabulous. it is more than likely one of the best presents ever. and torie got us the rob dunlop cd (thank you!!!) he's from big old eyes. i think it's time for bed. [i'll have more pictures soon!]

this is how we do it! south central does it like nobody does.

so, the boys will probably hate me for the above. late night, we're all tired, and we just ate grease! bleck. expensive grease to boot. but look at how cute they all are!? yay for camera. yay for torie.

today tor, stewart, and i went to the mall for only 1 hour (1/2 hour longer than we planned) and we're standing in cotton ginny getting ready to kill one another. we lost our personalities and our gumption and those fabulous things about us. the mall definitely destroyed us (we even went to mcdonald's after) and then we sought santuary in Bryndis's shop, meow records, and spent a bunch 'o money. (we ended up feeling better about ourselves. i bought the first winks' album, some eric's trip singles, and old doiron disc, and stewart this live sunny day cd) and now i'm absolutely broke. baaaah! my paycheck is officially gone. i have a half tank of gas and we have pretty much no food. so i must spend the last of my money on food, which is fine: except that we won't have another paycheck in this house until the 1st. NOT GOOD!

okay, with that poverty-based diatribe i'm going. we can't buy anyone else any xmas presents and nothing will get sent. oh, and i have to read the entirety of the second sex by simone de beauvoir by, oh the second week of school! i'll be reading up a storm.

yay for the rebirth of artificia

we're talking vision.....

i found this on youtube. i love youtube. i love peachcake!

and that's how this idea was drilled into my head, cause its too important to stay the way its been

oh, today! yesterday! yesterday i worked a 12 hour day-->not something i really like doing but i just plugged through the day. and then stewart, jeremy, and i went to spicy greens for dinner. i had a mixed madras with the best raita i've ever had. and then topped it off with homemade mango icecream. oiishideshitane! two more days of work before my super long weekend. my raise finally went through. i continuously feel like this blog is becomming a random to do list. that i'm functioning on this high stress level and i rarely get into thinking about things. listen to me! bleck.

i just made three different batches of cookies.

1. rebar lime sugar cookies. (i bought the cookbook because my highschool teacher/modern day friend's sister in law owned the restaurant and i wanted to support them and buy their cookbook. i had never eaten there but continuously eat from the cookbook. i made the brownies so much in my undergrad that they became "my brownies" (my updates were the cinnamon and the super thick vitasoy--they were so gooey!). endearing records even put the updated recipe on their website. how great is that? (to update it further cut out the coffee and don't forget the cinnamon--lots of it!!) anyway, these cookies are greasy and sweet and sour from the lime and crunchy from some pepitas and you should really go out and buy the cookbook and make them!

2. the random accumulation cookie! my most favourite. i simply grab things in my kitchen that "go together" and throw them into a cookie. this time the random accumulation cookie is comprised of egg, butter, applesauce, organic sugar (just a little), 7 grain mix, white flour, chocolate chips, and walnuts. because of the lack of sugar they're a little "bomb" like-->but will be delicious with a really bitter cup of coffee. once when i was living with my mom i attempted to make a true random accumulation loaf. and vegan to boot. i remember my mom saying, "you need a recipe". and it worked out. damn recipes!

3. spicy yam cookies with honey. very doughy these ones. sugar really sets cookies apart. i'll have to remember that when cookies are crazy good it's because of all the butter and sugar. i haven't tried these ones (i ate some dough from all three, that's usually my taste test: i mean, if you can't eat the dough why the fuck would you want to eat the cookie?) nor the current random accumulation cookies but i bet they're fabulous.

there are a series of craft projects i want to work on, most of them christmas presents. i'm hoping to gank torie's older camera from her for a while so that i can snap pictures of things like my colonialism pillow and the scarf i'm knitting for someone. speaking of scarf i will go knit knit purl purl knit knit purl purl knit knit purl purl. i used to have a crafting blog, artificia, but it was accidentally deleted and i miss it. again camera=getting those crafting pictures up.

i must say that i am really enjoying prince george. there's something in the air. there's something under my feet. it's a magic place. to me magic used to mean that i had this awesome community and a lot of support around and for the first time in a while i don't have a lot of friends and i don't mind. i mean, i'm really liking this alone time, this time to spend with stewart. i have a few friends and they're incredible. i need to spend more time with them. one of my newer goals is making sure that i figure out what makes prince george so magic. (other than mobster kay!)

hot chip will put you out on the ground

i've decided that blogging is keeing me sane. and christmas cards. i haven't received this many in a while--it's actually quite nice. i need to dedicate an entire day to letter writing. this is a hearby announced anouncement: if you're a pal and you'd normally get a present, you won't receive a letter, cd, scarf probably until after xmas. ive been really overwhelmed lately and even just keeping up with a bit of the holiday is tiring. you know what else is tiring? building fucking ikea furniture! (thanks mom!! i love the bedroom set!!). i've been building ikea furniture since i've gotten home and i have one nightstand to go...gaaaaaah. stewart made yummy pasta from a jar for dinner and we had yummy wine from oliver and great salad. i feel full and tired now. i must get to that night stand. i still have a bit of work to get to!! yeeps!! and we're dying stewart's hair poppy red. the cats are freaking out! bed? what's this! oh, and it's super windy out. did i mention i love hot chip.

sign me up, i volunteer, votes are in for lifeguard of the year

today was a pretty great day. overall this evening has been shrouded in stress. namely work: i find work very stressful. i find that i am not good at "dealing" with the stress at work. it's not like anything at work is wrong or unacceptable or unnatural or awful. it's strange because the work is exactly like i always thought it would be: fast, busy, desperately difficult, and intense--which isn't a problem. a lot of workplaces are like this but i don't feel like i have the stamina to keep up with it. i don't feel made to be an academic. i just want to curl into a store that i own. that would be the best.

today was great because instead of getting up at 8am to see stewart's childhood friend (their bus was late and it would've been too rushed) we got to sleep until 12:30pm, turn the cbc radio 1 on and listen to stuart mclean, get lazily dressed and go for a drive to blackburn for freecycle-style xmas lights. while driving we were all snuggled into our jackets listening to the newer hotchip and drinking coffees (so good!). stewart andi got to talking about staying in prince george, if we bought a house, where we'd buy it (blackburn--duh!), etc. then we went to denny's for breakfast (mediocre, but not bad! strange!), shopping at hmv and zellers (the mall has driven me crazy). we rented howl's moving castle. we were trying to rent these two other movies: the wizard and drop dead gorgeous. neither of which blockbuster had. i really find blockbuster to be overwhelmin. blah!

stewart's dying his hair blonde right now, and tomorrow it'll go poppy red. too cute. i feel so overweighted by work. i'm going to work a *really* long day tomorrow. up at 6am. bleck. so i'm going to bed here in a little bit. i'm trying to read the great gatsby. supposedly it's one of the best american novels of all time. our bed should be here this week. yay! this is turning into a to do list. i need to destress from work.

call your grandma on the phone, call her on the phone, if she's living all alone, if she's all alone

mid afternoon on saturday. i drove stewart to work this morning and had a chai latte and then came home and fucked around on the computer for a while. then at 10am i went back to sleep and just woke up! bleck! i'm going to do some tidying and then probably grab a book or colouring (yay for colouring!!) and head down to la voltaire and have myself a bite and wait for stewheart to get off of work. tonight we're going to a christmas party! so fun. this morning when we woke up it was so nice outside, crisp and lovely. i'm having to plug in my car and start it a 1/2 hour earlier, but oh well. this morning i had all of these things i wanted to say. like about some of the reasons i'm stressed, business i want to start, other jobs and now i'm on the phone i gotta go!

from all the jobs they want to choose this music

well, it's almost really late. the house is feeling great. we rented the o.c. season 3 episodes 9-13 and watched all of them in a row. yikes! it's the part where caitlin just comes back from boarding school and is really trying to get with johnny, who's still obsessed with marissa. it was really icy here yesterday and then last night when everyone was over for dinner and we were playing the one word story game (so great! we spoke of pinochet and columbian opera facists!) and then when we looked outside there was all of this snow. and now there's these icicles hanging off of our house and a bit more snow everywhere. perfect gingerbread latte weather. i've just spent a bit of time updating le blog! tomorrow stewart goes to work early and i said i'd drive him b/c i'm crazy. i just want to sleep for a year. today at the staff xmas party i received avalon lavender lotion and soap! yay! stewart just went to sleep. i'm so climbing in to cuddle my heart out--yes, i'm turning into a softie. ooooooh, the whole reason i was posting: i got a big fat A in my english class this semster. first A in an upper division class EVER!! yay!

why is the bedroom so cold, you turn away on your side

i should be really tired, but instead I'm exhausted and I'm plugging away at my work. I've brought my work home today because i feel really shitty sick, but i'm getting a lot of work done and am feeling really efficient. i know that i'll be spending most of saturday doing work too, but that'll be okay. my back hurts, my neck hurts, my teeth feel dirty--i'm not neccessarily in the best place but i feel okay. i was somewhat offered a job at Addition-Elle, even as part-time as part time can be. and I thought, hmmm, i *do* want to open a clothing store, it would be *good* market research, and i'd get *cheap* well fitting jeans! woot! eden and mom are still here. i have to update my links, but eden's attempting to blog again. edenoliver.blogspot.com yay! last night we had a family dinner and tonight we'll have a big meal. roast, potatoes, yams, beans, salada, bread, pie, lentil loaf and miso gravy! crazy gravy! yum!!!

okay, i'm done.

i'm tired. i'm reading this book called plum wine about an ex.pat spending time in nihon and discovering things about her past. today jer came over and we ate breakfast at 4:30pm, then we watched whisper of the heart and i sewed and it was a good time for all. and then stewart and i went to the cafe voltaire xmas party and we received this "dim sum" set with cool bamboo mats, bowls, a steamer, etc. pretty sweet. christmas is expensive. that i don't like. i'm taking a class in the fall on pornography. last night torie, stewart, and i went to denny's. tomorrow both my mum and my sister arrive. huzzah! and today, the best finds were found at value villagE!!!!! yaya! a new record store opened in george the other day. it's really exciting. stewart bought the new awkward stage and i bought him some stuff for xmas. spoiled brat ;) we're listening to the sunday night jazz show on cbc radio one. pretty great. i wish i had something *more* exciting to say.... oh! some friends' from stewart's work have this tree that was decimated by the pine beetle near their house and we're going to decorate it with large-tin foil pine beetles and tinsel in the spirit of the holiday! because this time of the year is so great we should even celebrate that thing that's "ruining" our forests. oh what a fun thing! oh, and i met this artist named derrick, or darryl, i can't remember, who's having a show in vancity and his work is very rauschenberg esque and great. oh, rupert's sneezing again. that guy is getting less stressed because he sleeps on our pillows while we sleep and feels loved. things are good.

break my arms around the one i love

who new being a parent could be *so* difficult

i'm having a rough week. i've been "not myself". rather than things culminating in one big incident i've been shitty over a wide variety of situations. my self esteem is really low right now and i've been pulling lots of cards and working a lot (not good) and rarely taking time out for myself. But, tonight i went to the gym. and it was nice.

stewart's at writing class and i'm waiting for him to get home so we can just love each other for a while.

one of the hardest parts is that we're super poor right now. we're just not making enough money. at all. and with xmas its really tight. and we've both picked up more hours or a second job (me!) which sucks.

a colleague went back to nz the other day. we tried to go tobogganning on a cardboard box. didnt go so well. we just ended up rolling around in the snow. and my arms hurt from pushing another colleague's car up a driveway.

every dawn really has its day

today i woke up early and took stewart to work at the cafe. i spoke with owen while he was stocking magazines. he;s such a great, nice, wholesome kid. i really appreaciate him. then i had a really yummy egg canadiana and drove home and climbed into bed with a cat on either side and slept, somewhat fitfully, until around 12:30pm. still really tired and i was feeling really down, but stewart cheered me up (so i wouldnt cry in the bookstore!) i'm not in a mood to be around people today. but, we're going out for curry with the lovely torie for her birthday!!

gotta go, almost dinner time!! (and i must wrap her billie jean 45)

i don't care about you anymore--you're secrets are tired

well, i've picked up a consulting job and i'm *really* tired from typing for the past while..but it's money!! and we watched the o.c. first two episodes of seasons three. stewart went to bed a few hours ago--that early morning wake up thing, and i get to drive him! ho hum, the most fun of my day!! then i come home and sleep for a few hours and then go to work. so i should go to bed. i'm pooped. my eyes hurt. and the fridge was making this weird sizzling sound, so its been unplugged and when we go to pay rent tomorrow then i will say, "hey send someone over to look at the sizzling refridgerator." and then we'll have a feast and eat everything that went "bad". oivey!!

rupert was playing with my rainbow mitten, just like a puppy.

can you believe that marissa was expelled and then ryan punched the evil "dean" of awful! and then that we'rd charolette-bitch-weird-creepy character that's trying to trap kristen into staying with her. what's her plan?? wait, don't tell me! i know i'm a year behind, but that's okay!!

teeth-brushing-time!!