here comes the pour! i haven't posted on this blog in a long time regarding emotional issues: which, in all honesty, is what i used it alot for when i was in nihon. but, i hate it because i feel like i have no one to talk to (which isn't true, i've talked to a few people): but, i'm in emotional turmoil, and you all know how much i hate journalling, so i'm going to dump it on you. and of course, not all of the details are here, because that's how i am.

so, prince george has been honestly great. i feel like i left terrace on a not-so good note with a few friends, and those have somewhat been patched up (one friend is there always, he understands me like no other), but i've felt really closed off to making new friends (platonic shadows) since i've been here. i'm having a really hard time opening up to the new peeps, and i'm sure that it's hard for them too, and they're not dumb, they probably all see it. the people i've met here are incredible and i want to foster positive relationships with all of them: it's just difficult.

on the stewart and i front things are difficult, and it's because i have all of this baggage from previous relationships that i'm having a hard time dealing with. after working as a counsellor myself i feel that my communication techniques are getting better (i still have a ways to go), and i'm actually dealing with things (rather than avoiding them like before)--but the last longterm relationship i was in i was so depressed and didn't know it--that's the hard part, being sad, hating your partner, wanting out, having no self esteem, etc. i'm not facing any of that this time, thank heavens!!, but i'm having problems opening up (ta dah, see a theme here?) to being in a relationship (the one i am sure is the relationship) with this incredible man.

on top of this, work has been somewhat of a struggle for me too).

and, of course, i'm still dealing with being super poor (we all know how being poor magnifies every little thing to the max and your life feels like crap and you feel suffocated because you cannot even go to the store and buy bacon, nor drive your car because it has no gas and you can't afford gas, and you don't get paid for almost another week and you're tired of asking your boyfriend to buy you coffee or give you five bucks for gas even though you drive him to work all the time! being poor is difficult and isolating).

and, all of this compounds into self esteem issues (which are hard for me because i'm fat! and fat-girl clothes are expensive. and i've broken chairs in public and i feel like everything i put in my mouth just makes me fatter. it's not a good place to be).

okay, so after that dump, my toast is done. i'm going to go lie down, do a reading, and wait for stewart to get home from his walk so we can lie down together.


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last night i felt restless, so i took care of some much needed letter writing. some of them were over a year overdue. yikes. i have three packages also sitting on my floor. when i have more money i will definitely send those out. (here's hoping). my idea for today. a coworker's 15 yr old daughter and i are going to set up a booth for the farmer's market! yay! and, why is it just now that i'm discovering brightblack morning light? why didn't anyone tell me earlier?? xoxo.


i'm just a penny on a train track waiting for my judgement day

kitchen lights at night

today i decided to walk to work! and it was -10.6C outside, isn't that nuts! it's so cold. and i was a bit underdressed: now i know tomorrow i must wear leggings and leg warmers and a winter jacket. i walked happily along to sufjan stevens, mike doughty, yo la tengo, and pinback. i wish it was warmer. then i'd ride my bike, and wear a skirt. the walk was about 45 minutes and killed me. i haven't had much physical activity in a while and am coming down with a cold. tomorrow i'm definitely wearing my puffy jacket.

i want to be paid for my ideas. i always have ideas popping into my head and i rarely get to see them to fruition. i would love to come up with an idea, have someone love it and give me money and resoures to see it to completion. i'd be the facilitator of said idea. so, today i had a few ideas...

idea #1. there was a house fire over the holidays and a single mom is without personal items or a place to live and i thought it would be great if we can make some cans to collect money through books and company! (i might actually do this one, a cohort is calling the family to see what we can do, and is getting back to me: i mean, if someone has already started a collection, then...)

idea #2. the gym i go to has a great stretch teacher and a wicked stretch class but there are a number of women in the class who are "plus size" (i hate all terms like this, you know that) who have difficulties with the stretches. and it would be cool if the gym developed a "plus size" focused stretch class that takes body size into account.

idea #3. stewart's birthday. ideas abound here. none of which i will share until after his birthday just incase he reads this.

idea #4. it's our anniversary month (one year!) and i think that it would be cool if we got one of our friends to take photographs with us.

idea #5. planning wedding invitations. no we're not engaged...yet.

see! isn't it nuts!? and this isn't even a very productive idea day. last night i had all of these ideas for cafe voltaire and how to get the ideas to the managers (ie, writing a letter, having a taste-testing party, rewriting a management strategy for them, etc). i'm a machine!


mmm, red alder, and ginger, and this mysterious root, oh my!

we just dyed stewart's hair red (again, this time a touchup. in a week or so he is *so* getting a morrissey haircut) and he put on this headband and grabbed the raquet and ta dah! he's a rebel with[out] a racket!
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i worked today and was oddly very stressed out after. str-ange. (well, not so strange, but very telling.) i have a sore throat now, and it's after 11 (eek). we watched the last two episodes of season 3 of the o.c. no more o.c. talk for a while. i knew that they would kill marissa off, and it's true, i really began to like marissa and hope for the best for her, and it would make sense that some crazy guy would try to get her (and consequently kill her). it's interesting that even though ryan has always been able to "save" her the final scenes showed his inexperience (as in, just stop the car, turn around and head back. the least that v-shit would have been able to do would be to slam the car into a rock. or slow down and get behind him and call the cops??) in a situation like that--so maybe not the best saviour afterall: but definitely the love of marissa's life. oh man, i cannot believe i talked about the o.c. for that long. it's almost time for the best of 2006 lists. yay!

i'm reading the second sex and really loving it. a lot of the tenants that i hold to my own feminism are in beauvoir's writings. i'm starting to wonder if she was the first to get these things on paper? some of it does bug me a litte, as in i don't care about biology so i don't want to discuss at length how a gamete blah blah blah.

i have this feeling that next year i will have a baby. but i don't want a baby now, nor next year (the year after??). definitely a struggle. and i'm not ready to have that discussion, make that choice. gaaaah. well, at least i don't have to make the choice now (and i'm definitely not choosing to stop having sex just because i fear getting pregnant..maybe i should just stop stressing out!!)... so many things happening all the time so many thoughts so many sore body parts i need more baths and walks and tea with red alder and hugs, and definitely, definitely, more friends in pg. (i also need to learn to open up to those wonderful friends around me!!) okay, bedtime now.


you are the drinks i keep and keep drinking and fall down stumble

our house! we've been here a few months and i finally feel like we're settling in. so, to show off a bit of it--i didn't do any charolette york-style pre-photo session cleaning, but i also didn't take pictures of the piles of stuff everywhere (this place is so small, imagine if we had a child? we'd have absolutely no room anywhere!!!)

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my mum gave me these sheer curtains a few years ago and they're perfect in our bedroom. she just bought us these star garlands from the 10,000 villages sale in terrace: they're so beautiful! i love them. they'll definitely be up for the whole year, not just for the holidays.

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we have this yellow dresser in our bedroom that we bought from an old man who lives by the hospital. his backyard was a maze of old furniture, electronics, vines, and apple trees. we put a dessert tray on the dresser for our jewellery and many things adorn the little space. i love the picture of stewart at his prom!

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in our living room we have this big blank wall. i'm a modernist: i love piles of frames, or weird magazines, bulletin boards with scraps of everything on them, typewriters on the floor, etc. i bought these frames at a garage sale (the vintage photo is from the hospital aux in terrace. the art on the right is by a friend from highschool, trina myhr. stewart acquired the hockey stick with his dad and younger brothers years ago.

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next to our front door we have a random assemblage of things: basically our "foyer" is our living room. no space for a couch, just a random assortment of great cheap chairs (imagine, a wooden vintage chair and a wingback for 15bones?). our books are also a very random assemblage: but our shoes? absolutely a hipster pile.

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the dining area in the kitchen. i'll take a picture when it's dark out. it's luminous. the pink salt rock is from the himalayas! my kitchen feels so good now (i used to hate it!!)

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looking out our kitchen window. my mum made the shelf and the curtains. i love it. there's definitely a red theme happening in our kitchen. stewart and i had just got home and he put the sos pads on the shelf--a very interesting choice. and they were moved (tee hee).

but i like watching you undress and i think that we're at our best..

fishies up on high
again, more trials and tribulations of the o.c. jeremy ball gave a great paper on the o.c. and the "downfall of marissa" for our english class this past semester. and while everyone in america is partway into the 4th season, im cruising towards the end of the third and rapt. marissa just stopped hanging with vol-shit (his friends were gang-raping a girl marissa considered to be her nemesis), cohen told summer he didn't love her anymore, ryan's opening the door to his mom, and darling kristen is contemplating drinking again. what a family--and nothing like mine (phew!).

well, merry christmas everyone! we had christmas dinner with tor's family and it was so yummy, funny, and really warm: which was nice. tor's grandma (and dad) are from croatia and her baba (grandma) was surprised to find out that, ta dah!, i too am croatian! hehe. christmas really was full of wonders from santa claus. stewart got me some great presents such as a bill bisset book, a newyorker themed notebook, a calendar about japan, a book about a northern man who travelled through bc aboriginal communities, and a nat king cole three cd box set (who knew!) it's so fabulous. it is more than likely one of the best presents ever. and torie got us the rob dunlop cd (thank you!!!) he's from big old eyes. i think it's time for bed. [i'll have more pictures soon!]
christmas cheese!


this is how we do it! south central does it like nobody does.


so, the boys will probably hate me for the above. late night, we're all tired, and we just ate grease! bleck. expensive grease to boot. but look at how cute they all are!? yay for camera. yay for torie.

today tor, stewart, and i went to the mall for only 1 hour (1/2 hour longer than we planned) and we're standing in cotton ginny getting ready to kill one another. we lost our personalities and our gumption and those fabulous things about us. the mall definitely destroyed us (we even went to mcdonald's after) and then we sought santuary in Bryndis's shop, meow records, and spent a bunch 'o money. (we ended up feeling better about ourselves. i bought the first winks' album, some eric's trip singles, and old doiron disc, and stewart this live sunny day cd) and now i'm absolutely broke. baaaah! my paycheck is officially gone. i have a half tank of gas and we have pretty much no food. so i must spend the last of my money on food, which is fine: except that we won't have another paycheck in this house until the 1st. NOT GOOD!

okay, with that poverty-based diatribe i'm going. we can't buy anyone else any xmas presents and nothing will get sent. oh, and i have to read the entirety of the second sex by simone de beauvoir by, oh the second week of school! i'll be reading up a storm.


we're talking vision.....

i found this on youtube. i love youtube. i love peachcake!

and that's how this idea was drilled into my head, cause its too important to stay the way its been

oh, today! yesterday! yesterday i worked a 12 hour day-->not something i really like doing but i just plugged through the day. and then stewart, jeremy, and i went to spicy greens for dinner. i had a mixed madras with the best raita i've ever had. and then topped it off with homemade mango icecream. oiishideshitane! two more days of work before my super long weekend. my raise finally went through. i continuously feel like this blog is becomming a random to do list. that i'm functioning on this high stress level and i rarely get into thinking about things. listen to me! bleck.

i just made three different batches of cookies.

1. rebar lime sugar cookies. (i bought the cookbook because my highschool teacher/modern day friend's sister in law owned the restaurant and i wanted to support them and buy their cookbook. i had never eaten there but continuously eat from the cookbook. i made the brownies so much in my undergrad that they became "my brownies" (my updates were the cinnamon and the super thick vitasoy--they were so gooey!). endearing records even put the updated recipe on their website. how great is that? (to update it further cut out the coffee and don't forget the cinnamon--lots of it!!) anyway, these cookies are greasy and sweet and sour from the lime and crunchy from some pepitas and you should really go out and buy the cookbook and make them!

2. the random accumulation cookie! my most favourite. i simply grab things in my kitchen that "go together" and throw them into a cookie. this time the random accumulation cookie is comprised of egg, butter, applesauce, organic sugar (just a little), 7 grain mix, white flour, chocolate chips, and walnuts. because of the lack of sugar they're a little "bomb" like-->but will be delicious with a really bitter cup of coffee. once when i was living with my mom i attempted to make a true random accumulation loaf. and vegan to boot. i remember my mom saying, "you need a recipe". and it worked out. damn recipes!

3. spicy yam cookies with honey. very doughy these ones. sugar really sets cookies apart. i'll have to remember that when cookies are crazy good it's because of all the butter and sugar. i haven't tried these ones (i ate some dough from all three, that's usually my taste test: i mean, if you can't eat the dough why the fuck would you want to eat the cookie?) nor the current random accumulation cookies but i bet they're fabulous.

there are a series of craft projects i want to work on, most of them christmas presents. i'm hoping to gank torie's older camera from her for a while so that i can snap pictures of things like my colonialism pillow and the scarf i'm knitting for someone. speaking of scarf i will go knit knit purl purl knit knit purl purl knit knit purl purl. i used to have a crafting blog, artificia, but it was accidentally deleted and i miss it. again camera=getting those crafting pictures up.

i must say that i am really enjoying prince george. there's something in the air. there's something under my feet. it's a magic place. to me magic used to mean that i had this awesome community and a lot of support around and for the first time in a while i don't have a lot of friends and i don't mind. i mean, i'm really liking this alone time, this time to spend with stewart. i have a few friends and they're incredible. i need to spend more time with them. one of my newer goals is making sure that i figure out what makes prince george so magic. (other than mobster kay!)


hot chip will put you out on the ground

i've decided that blogging is keeing me sane. and christmas cards. i haven't received this many in a while--it's actually quite nice. i need to dedicate an entire day to letter writing. this is a hearby announced anouncement: if you're a pal and you'd normally get a present, you won't receive a letter, cd, scarf probably until after xmas. ive been really overwhelmed lately and even just keeping up with a bit of the holiday is tiring. you know what else is tiring? building fucking ikea furniture! (thanks mom!! i love the bedroom set!!). i've been building ikea furniture since i've gotten home and i have one nightstand to go...gaaaaaah. stewart made yummy pasta from a jar for dinner and we had yummy wine from oliver and great salad. i feel full and tired now. i must get to that night stand. i still have a bit of work to get to!! yeeps!! and we're dying stewart's hair poppy red. the cats are freaking out! bed? what's this! oh, and it's super windy out. did i mention i love hot chip.


sign me up, i volunteer, votes are in for lifeguard of the year

today was a pretty great day. overall this evening has been shrouded in stress. namely work: i find work very stressful. i find that i am not good at "dealing" with the stress at work. it's not like anything at work is wrong or unacceptable or unnatural or awful. it's strange because the work is exactly like i always thought it would be: fast, busy, desperately difficult, and intense--which isn't a problem. a lot of workplaces are like this but i don't feel like i have the stamina to keep up with it. i don't feel made to be an academic. i just want to curl into a store that i own. that would be the best.

today was great because instead of getting up at 8am to see stewart's childhood friend (their bus was late and it would've been too rushed) we got to sleep until 12:30pm, turn the cbc radio 1 on and listen to stuart mclean, get lazily dressed and go for a drive to blackburn for freecycle-style xmas lights. while driving we were all snuggled into our jackets listening to the newer hotchip and drinking coffees (so good!). stewart andi got to talking about staying in prince george, if we bought a house, where we'd buy it (blackburn--duh!), etc. then we went to denny's for breakfast (mediocre, but not bad! strange!), shopping at hmv and zellers (the mall has driven me crazy). we rented howl's moving castle. we were trying to rent these two other movies: the wizard and drop dead gorgeous. neither of which blockbuster had. i really find blockbuster to be overwhelmin. blah!

stewart's dying his hair blonde right now, and tomorrow it'll go poppy red. too cute. i feel so overweighted by work. i'm going to work a *really* long day tomorrow. up at 6am. bleck. so i'm going to bed here in a little bit. i'm trying to read the great gatsby. supposedly it's one of the best american novels of all time. our bed should be here this week. yay! this is turning into a to do list. i need to destress from work.


call your grandma on the phone, call her on the phone, if she's living all alone, if she's all alone

mid afternoon on saturday. i drove stewart to work this morning and had a chai latte and then came home and fucked around on the computer for a while. then at 10am i went back to sleep and just woke up! bleck! i'm going to do some tidying and then probably grab a book or colouring (yay for colouring!!) and head down to la voltaire and have myself a bite and wait for stewheart to get off of work. tonight we're going to a christmas party! so fun. this morning when we woke up it was so nice outside, crisp and lovely. i'm having to plug in my car and start it a 1/2 hour earlier, but oh well. this morning i had all of these things i wanted to say. like about some of the reasons i'm stressed, business i want to start, other jobs and now i'm on the phone i gotta go!


from all the jobs they want to choose this music

well, it's almost really late. the house is feeling great. we rented the o.c. season 3 episodes 9-13 and watched all of them in a row. yikes! it's the part where caitlin just comes back from boarding school and is really trying to get with johnny, who's still obsessed with marissa. it was really icy here yesterday and then last night when everyone was over for dinner and we were playing the one word story game (so great! we spoke of pinochet and columbian opera facists!) and then when we looked outside there was all of this snow. and now there's these icicles hanging off of our house and a bit more snow everywhere. perfect gingerbread latte weather. i've just spent a bit of time updating le blog! tomorrow stewart goes to work early and i said i'd drive him b/c i'm crazy. i just want to sleep for a year. today at the staff xmas party i received avalon lavender lotion and soap! yay! stewart just went to sleep. i'm so climbing in to cuddle my heart out--yes, i'm turning into a softie. ooooooh, the whole reason i was posting: i got a big fat A in my english class this semster. first A in an upper division class EVER!! yay!


why is the bedroom so cold, you turn away on your side

i should be really tired, but instead I'm exhausted and I'm plugging away at my work. I've brought my work home today because i feel really shitty sick, but i'm getting a lot of work done and am feeling really efficient. i know that i'll be spending most of saturday doing work too, but that'll be okay. my back hurts, my neck hurts, my teeth feel dirty--i'm not neccessarily in the best place but i feel okay. i was somewhat offered a job at Addition-Elle, even as part-time as part time can be. and I thought, hmmm, i *do* want to open a clothing store, it would be *good* market research, and i'd get *cheap* well fitting jeans! woot! eden and mom are still here. i have to update my links, but eden's attempting to blog again. edenoliver.blogspot.com yay! last night we had a family dinner and tonight we'll have a big meal. roast, potatoes, yams, beans, salada, bread, pie, lentil loaf and miso gravy! crazy gravy! yum!!!

okay, i'm done.


radioactive fries

i'm tired. i'm reading this book called plum wine about an ex.pat spending time in nihon and discovering things about her past. today jer came over and we ate breakfast at 4:30pm, then we watched whisper of the heart and i sewed and it was a good time for all. and then stewart and i went to the cafe voltaire xmas party and we received this "dim sum" set with cool bamboo mats, bowls, a steamer, etc. pretty sweet. christmas is expensive. that i don't like. i'm taking a class in the fall on pornography. last night torie, stewart, and i went to denny's. tomorrow both my mum and my sister arrive. huzzah! and today, the best finds were found at value villagE!!!!! yaya! a new record store opened in george the other day. it's really exciting. stewart bought the new awkward stage and i bought him some stuff for xmas. spoiled brat ;) we're listening to the sunday night jazz show on cbc radio one. pretty great. i wish i had something *more* exciting to say.... oh! some friends' from stewart's work have this tree that was decimated by the pine beetle near their house and we're going to decorate it with large-tin foil pine beetles and tinsel in the spirit of the holiday! because this time of the year is so great we should even celebrate that thing that's "ruining" our forests. oh what a fun thing! oh, and i met this artist named derrick, or darryl, i can't remember, who's having a show in vancity and his work is very rauschenberg esque and great. oh, rupert's sneezing again. that guy is getting less stressed because he sleeps on our pillows while we sleep and feels loved. things are good.


break my arms around the one i love

who new being a parent could be *so* difficult

i'm having a rough week. i've been "not myself". rather than things culminating in one big incident i've been shitty over a wide variety of situations. my self esteem is really low right now and i've been pulling lots of cards and working a lot (not good) and rarely taking time out for myself. But, tonight i went to the gym. and it was nice.

stewart's at writing class and i'm waiting for him to get home so we can just love each other for a while.

one of the hardest parts is that we're super poor right now. we're just not making enough money. at all. and with xmas its really tight. and we've both picked up more hours or a second job (me!) which sucks.

a colleague went back to nz the other day. we tried to go tobogganning on a cardboard box. didnt go so well. we just ended up rolling around in the snow. and my arms hurt from pushing another colleague's car up a driveway.


every dawn really has its day

today i woke up early and took stewart to work at the cafe. i spoke with owen while he was stocking magazines. he;s such a great, nice, wholesome kid. i really appreaciate him. then i had a really yummy egg canadiana and drove home and climbed into bed with a cat on either side and slept, somewhat fitfully, until around 12:30pm. still really tired and i was feeling really down, but stewart cheered me up (so i wouldnt cry in the bookstore!) i'm not in a mood to be around people today. but, we're going out for curry with the lovely torie for her birthday!!

gotta go, almost dinner time!! (and i must wrap her billie jean 45)


i don't care about you anymore--you're secrets are tired

well, i've picked up a consulting job and i'm *really* tired from typing for the past while..but it's money!! and we watched the o.c. first two episodes of seasons three. stewart went to bed a few hours ago--that early morning wake up thing, and i get to drive him! ho hum, the most fun of my day!! then i come home and sleep for a few hours and then go to work. so i should go to bed. i'm pooped. my eyes hurt. and the fridge was making this weird sizzling sound, so its been unplugged and when we go to pay rent tomorrow then i will say, "hey send someone over to look at the sizzling refridgerator." and then we'll have a feast and eat everything that went "bad". oivey!!

rupert was playing with my rainbow mitten, just like a puppy.

can you believe that marissa was expelled and then ryan punched the evil "dean" of awful! and then that we'rd charolette-bitch-weird-creepy character that's trying to trap kristen into staying with her. what's her plan?? wait, don't tell me! i know i'm a year behind, but that's okay!!



yay for organ trail

my lovely friend caitlin is in organ trail and they won their round of semi-finals for shindig! they're now going to be in the finals at the railway club on december 5th!! if you're in the city you must go! check out their myspace yay!

we'll not go home again...come and see!

so, school's done for this semester! my presentation went really well although i spoke really fast. i've picked up some consulting work which means that in the evenings while stewart is out with his writing group friends rupert is just perched half on my shoulder and half on the chair i've sunken into. and we're going to have joy tea and eat biscotti and continue to listen to the decemberist's the crane wife (i LOVE it!!)

below are my assignments from yesterday. here's hoping they work!

Indigeneity and Young Mothers: Navigating Validitiy in a Rural Environment =Indigineity presentation (altered) + presentation references
From Rioters to Knitters and In-between: Chronicalling the Third Wave in Canada = expanded thesis proposal


tor + i on halloween

torie and i dressed up as super hipsters for the halloween party (okay, so the picture's a month old and i ganked it from her blog, my pen made me famous). my office is warm :)


carpenter ants in the dresser, flies in the screen, it will be too late by the time we learn what these cryptic symbols mean

well, it's pretty chilly outside--again! this will be a constant refrain from now until forever. im lying on our bed (that is still on the floor, my mum just ordered us a frame for an xmas) doing my power point, procrastinating every once in a while. i just did some "lets find tabs" research for stewart.

i had a crazy dream last night. i find that in the past i've been very honest on this blog and lately because i've been working through real issues i've been less likely to put them on here--which for me is odd that i haven't picked that out 'till now. i know that a number of months back i was having really issues with being open and let me tell you that i'm still having issues with being open. but i feel i need to share this dream because its huge in my healing process (and it will start with explanation).

before i moved to prince george with stewart i went to see one of my spiritual teachers who gave me a crystal ball reading (hey, skeptics, hold your horses) and a tarot reading. i enjoy and look forward to readings because they allow me to work through problems in new ways (and are cheaper than a therapist)--i feel i really connect with this! so, in one of the readings my teacher said, "you have a lot of negative energy carrying with you from a past relationship--it has made you negative, not like yourself, and if you don't cast away this negativity and anger you will not be able to move forward in your relationship with stewart". she also went on to tell me a variety of incredible things that might happen in the future and some of them are beginning to come true (!!), but i'm not really holding out for those things to happen, i just find it interesting that most of the things she discusses usually fall into place.

so, ive been really trying to figure out this "negative & angry" character. who from my past was it, and then after living with stewart for a while i began to see how much my relationship a few years ago has really negatively affected me. and i'm a monster! i've been doing a lot of healing, a lot of talking, and a lot of working through these things i see as holding me back in my anger. i've been carrying around stones, pulling affirmations almost daily and doing cards on most nights asking myself, "how can i heal through my dreams?"

the dream last night signifies an intense healing-session for me and its spurred by two things. the other day i figured out what stewart and i needed (i must preface this by saying that things between us have been ridiculously fabulous lately and the things that mostly bring us down are 1. being poor, and 2. being stressed: i don't think we're that good with dealing with these things--but we're getting there), or what i want for me and stewart: i want an open flow of love between us at all times. in public, at home, when we're away from eachother. i don't care what form it is in, but when we're open to each other all the time (which is difficult because i have so much baggage) it's really nice.

okay, the dream: in the dream i was dating my ex from a few years back and it was in all these places, a mix of cities and farms, slides with cheese, a building with many different people, none of which i knew but i recognized i had a lot to learn from these people. i'm not very good with remembering all of the details, usually only strange things + "the lesson". i was out somewhere and hadn't returned home and had no conception of what time it was. when i returned back to our house i hadn't known that i was so late, but my ex showed up in a toga and was somewhat glowing, happy (jesus like?--strange) and i remember him being angry/worried but happy that i was back with him, and i said that i couldnt do this anymore, that i loved him, but it just wasn't working and we both have to go our separate ways. and then immediately he vanished. didn't walk away. just vanished. vaporized.

and then i woke up 'cause rupert was scratching something and meowing. (he's been stressed lately) so, what do i think this means? i think it means that i've finally let it go. i can only go forward from now on. i need to let my anger go. and stand separate from that anger and depression. phew.

okay, off to finish my presentation. we just had camino organic hot chocolate and stewarts bustling around (and bugging me for listening to anthony + the johnsons), i wonder what he's playing with (and if i can get a hug!)


and it matters to me to see you smiling, why don't we blow all of your cares away

well, i've changed the look of ye old blog, and its probably about time, it's been this way for a while. i've downloaded bonnie prince billy, saw will oldham in matewan. i've roasted some yams, and am going to go rent john wayne's true grit. went grocery shopping. would you believe me if i told you i worked on my expanded thesis proposal for quite sometime today and am *almost* done. i have to finish today, because tomorrow i have to work on my paper presentation for my class. both of the documents will be posted on here when finished, i promise. its really cold here. something like -19degrees celsius, and, oh, only about 27 with windchill. the moment the sun hits the horizon, around 4pm, it drops so much! this winter is the coldest i've experienced in a while, but its funny because after minus 5 it feels the same, always. and, as winter is for lovers, i'm super in love right now. it's nice!


as thirty dialogues bleed into one...

my neck hurts from craning it towards the glow of the laptop monitor. many changes in the works! we've met some great friends, i'm getting great marks! i'm meeting great people with projects they want to include me in, i'm sick, and i'm tired, but i'm feeling energetic and great!! erin and jeremy are absolutely fantastic and even though erin just moved to vancouver until next summer-ish we have plans to open a store and an artschool and to write together. last night we went to jeremy's and made food (yay for the lower east side.yum) and listened to experimental jazz and played the scribble game and then engineered our dream festival. so great. we just watched sketches of frank gehry. i really liked looking at all of the buildings and his artistic process but stewarts sick and i'm sick and we just fell asleep towards the end. then i went to get us sick-person drugs. but the pot on the stove is full of alder and the ground isn't white but the itchy wool socks on my legs are encouraging me to yearn for that time when your shoes are soaked from snow (just like before i went to vancouver). vancouver was great. we went to the gallery (vag!), had sushi, went to the foundation, went to art openings at both dadabase and the petri dish, we watched a movie about union organizers in the depression, i went to daiso and bought a bunch of japanese food, went to soma, ate breakfast in the airport, got to talk about japan and pseudo-shopped on main. oh and i bought a button! haha. and a book about robots for stewart.

i feel like i never talk about stewart and i'm always talking about stewart but that i'm always wanting to talk about how much i love this man. i can't wait until we get married (supposedly we first have to get engaged) and we can have lots of yummy food and dancing to genesis and the cure and cursive! yay! and all of the beautiful people i know from all of our disparate locations will be together all at once. we're really building a fabulous community here, and i'm finding incredible women (*all young!!**) to play the transformation game with, and jeremy to idea swap with, and stewart to just hold and be here for. because this year will be my year!!

oh, and i got into my master's!


"ideas catapult your love to me!"

take that freda kahlo!
jesse's going to kill me but i love this picture.

it snowed today. i bought a bottle of this yummy Knudson lemon, ginger, echinecae (haha spelled that wrong!) drink. yummers. and we've got caramel machiatos *and* a pumpkin cream cheese bar to get us going. now we're going to jump in bed and continue to watch the o.c. season 2!! mischa just dumped alex, the bonfire episode, and i think that kirsten's going to have an affair! oh, and poor julie cooper and the porn. stewart downloaded jeremy enigk. i like it a lot. oh, and tomorrow torie and i are dressing up as salt&pepper shakers/salt'n'peppa! so fun. we'll have pictures after I hope.

i miss terrace? yay o.c.!! love love, di.


its kind of an awkward time for me to be posting. im not super angsty. my back hurts. i skipped yoga again today. i need to make it a priority. and im paying for it. i handed in an assignment yesterday, an annotated bibliography of sorts. and its available here: http://www3.telus.net/public/doliver1/annotated690.pdf. please enjoy and read forth!

im going to do a huge variety of proposals this evening: two different sshrc apps, and one for a conference that's due in two days. lets see if i can get it done. love love.


"and now i'm lost at sea, i'm drowing in what I wont be"

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stewart's got this "punk" comp on. very emo. so cute. i remember when i felt that my life experience really resonated with these sorts of lyrics. now, hm.

i have an enormous amount of homework to do over the next few days. i need to compile an annotated bibliography on my thesis topic. and in all honesty i havent put alot of work into it, like i should have been. oh well.

yay for organic chicken strips and fries (oh and cheesy portraits from walmart. woot!)

oh, and yay for yellow and orange leaves and long emails from moms. that's nice. ooh, and canned salmon from friends, and coffee in the mail, and cards from friends, and a bust mag, and new friends! cheers to new friends.


"im listening to the mountainous sound..."

its raining out and ive got a cold. ive decided to stay in tonight. money, really. and stewart's at work. and there's just stuff to be done around the house. i've got our old-style radio plugged in and working in the kitchen. i'm downloading some nada surf and some of the national. im doing my readings for school (the fourth world by grace ouellet). i'm putting up curtains. and im washing dishes. and i think im going to go to bed. nappy nappy.

i received a call from this gym. i entered to win a pass, and well, i did! so, i'm going tomorrow at 4p to meet up and pick my prize! so fun!!! ive be en feeling sluggish lately and it doesnt help that im sitting at a desk all day and ridiculously exhausted. we've started eating cheese again (i had it for the first time at caitlin's in a long while and now i'm hooked). and its raining. i really want to go for a bike ride but im so tired. bleck! at school on tuesday we went to a different classroom and, well, there's these mirrors in the bathroom near the classroom that if you stand right where they break they cut your body in half and i looked so tiny. it was really neat to see. not sad b/c i dont look like that, but neat, b/c if i shaped up and dealt with this issue that ive been carring around (both physically and emotionally), then maybe i'd look like that. weird.

ive been carrying around a lot of negative emotional baggage lately and its really taking its toll on stewart and i really need to get on that list of "emotional healing items" that i've created. but again, tired. micro steps. i'm doing readings and working through a lot of it, and it helps so much, i need to do them more.

i had a dream that someone broke into our house, and it turned into an amicable situation. hm.

biting my nails. waiting to hear about my masters. a month or two to go.

i told this guy from my class that i wasnt a writer. i mean, hmmm. maybe i should embrace it b/c currently my goals are to write books. must begin this webdesign thing. this to do list is nuts.

music right now is:

The Bunker - Beirut from Gulag Orkestar
What It Means - Mates Of State from Bring It Back
Family Trew - Ben Kweller from Sha Sha
In the Aeroplane Over the Sea - Neutral Milk Hotel from In the Aeroplane Over the Sea
Off the Record - My Morning Jacket from Z
A Time For Emily - The Elected from Me First
Magic Trick - M. Ward from Post-War
What Is Your Secret? - Nada Surf from The Weight Is A Gift
Retreat! - Cursive from Happy Hollow
She's a Rejector - Of Montreal from Hissing Fauna, Are You the Destroyer?
Let's Go To Bed - The Cure from Greatest Hits
Dig Your Grave - Modest Mouse from Good News For People Who Love Bad News
Lucky Number Nine - The Moldy Peaches from Greatest Hits
Pot Kettle Black - Wilco from Yankee Hotel Foxtrot
Rivalry - Figurines from Skeleton
An Animated Description of Mr. Maps - The Books from Lost and Safe
The CN Tower Belongs to the Dead - Final Fantasy from Has a Good Home
Ecology - Anni Rossi from Scandia
Faded From The Winter - Iron And Wine from The Creek Drank The Cradle
Post-War - M. Ward from Post-War

oh, and all of the wink's "birthday party". (what a great, cute show!)


"she fell in love with the drummer..."

so, i'm in the land of no camera. maybe we should create a fund! you know. a fund so that I can buy a camera? what do you say? anyone wanna send me a toonie?

today i sat at my desk from 9am to 4:30pm minus a few pee breaks. i didnt make it on a lunch break. nor did i make it up to the university to run errands or anything!!! i told them i was coming in late tomorrow. and that i'd go do the errands before i came in. yay for sleeping in 'till 8:30pm!

we went to the library. and took out 5 cds. i think we got sweatshop union, yankee hotel foxtrot, the streets, new order, and some other emo band that stewart likes. good stuff. he's cooking up some veggie burgers and yam fries right now and we're sucking back hot chocolates and mellowing out to wilco. and its incredible. we were out of bread (!!! oh no !!!) and i needed to go to the store (i mean, we need something to squish over our garden patties!!) so, its raining outside and kindof cold so i hopped on my bicycle, yay!, and biked the two and a half little blocks over to the seven eleven. and i got wonder bread! brown of course! but but but! yay for prince george! the convenie had san pellegrino! and it will be yummy oh yeah.

tomorrow, or friday, depending on my stress level. i'm applying for my master's in gender studies!! wish me luck!

(see, not so sad today!) xoxo.


sad sunday.

my mum just left town. what a whirlwind. her visit wasnt as great as i wanted it to be, which was entirely my fault. we're sitting in unbc's library right now. and its almost two. im moving over to a comfy chair to do some reading for tuesday's class. just checked my work email. CRAZY!! so busy. oivey. i need to cheer up. buttercup.


tired friday.

stewart says that i always say that i am tired. and its true. i was just sitting here at my desk organizing the roladex (ie. putting three of them onto one spool) and i put some miso pretty hand cream on and realized that my hands are sore. so i immediately whipped out the phone book and made myself an appointment for a massage. tonight i'm hopefully going to work out. tomorrow i have to work. the mundanities of my life.

ive been feeling very overwhelmed lately and its taking its toll on stewart. im stressed for a variety of reasons: moving to a new town, switching jobs, having tremendous workloads at both, being poor, not having a day off inbetween my switch, a partner with no money until he gets paid, my mum is here, which is nice, but its stressful having someone else around, a car that im worried will fall apart, etc. i need to work on not letting these things have a negative impact on me. i need to breathe. breathe. sleep. take a walk. drink some tea. and do my readings.[the cement truck just outside the window just let out the biggest puff of dark smoke].


quickie. geekie. speakie.

happy belated birthday to me!

well, it was pretty uneventful. i worked. finally am wrapping my head around the university structure. wrapping my head around being a personal assistant to a very busy woman. i did some reading for school (thank heavens i'm doing third wave feminism. ive never loved my reading this much before! i mean the stuff on canadian modernism was quite exciting, but reading an article about bikini kill. man, this is nice). i let rupert outside for the first time. and of course he came back. a bunch of people called, wrote, emailed, happy birthdays, which was really nice (thank you!!!). and we went to spicy greens. which was empty. no one there! and ate yummy singaporean food and tiger beer and got really full. then i dumped a bit of money at value village. overall a pretty good day.

its been hot here the past few days. some coworkers got blackberries. i hope mines on its way one day here. technologie. gaaaaaaa! xoxo.


"turn off your headlights and go slowly, i dont want it to let up"

last night before i went to bed i told myself that through my sleep i would be able to relax enough that when i woke up my jaw wouldnt hurt. and miraculously i woke up and my jaw didnt hurt. a variety of things happened today to stress me and im reacting negatively (ie. encouraging the stress, not sleeping, aka physiological ignorance, etc) so my jaw started hurting earlier. i didnt realize how much it would hurt from me clenching it, nor how much i would clench it. so it's pretty late right now. stewart is out with matt. they've got some fireworks. and i stayed home to roll up more of my clothes, figure out what i'm going to give away, and get it even more ready. we're leaving in pretty much exactly one week. prince george was *stressed*. so, im enjoying this few minutes. i spent most of the weekend colouring to destress, then to be asked, by my dad's wife, what i have to be stressed about (??maybe the fact that im moving to prince george in a week!!!!), and was able to move beyond that (a little, im still hurt, b/c im so emotional you know), and somehow survive the weekend. we found a place, on vine in p.g. near the skate park, the ymca, a healthfood store, a sally ann, a japanese restaurant, a park. our house is on a bare corner and looks a bit like a crack-shack. but we have PLANS to make it amazing and you'll all have to come and see it in its wonder. wow, im pooped. and my jaw, hurts hurts hurts. i did one of those "life experiences" inventories to look into what is contributing to my stress. and the "key" at the end said that if your score was 300 and up, if you dont control your stress, then you will get sick soon, 299-250 and lower and so on said you're at medium risk, low risk, blah blah blah. my "score" from this fucking life experience inventory was 701 points. hm. what to do with that? my eyes are stinging, im going to bed. (to sleep and wait for matt and stewart to get back so they can tell me about the fireworks. ...


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over the past few weeks my jaw has gotten tighter. as in im getting more and more stressed. my house has gotten messier. as in im needing to pack and stop house sitting. ive gotten busier. i did some research and im building a website. woooo! and ive gotten poorer. i bought a car and i bought a lot of other things. like a fenchurch sweater for stewart. are you coming to the party?


"i made it through the wilderness, i made it through oo ooo!"

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so, im on my second week of house sitting. a different house though. some more dogs. definitely more cats. this time i get a truck (so i can walk the dogs, and she lives out of town, so i get a morning commute through the wilderness "oo ooo ooooooo!") im eating a really bad/fishy instant udon. im about to have a halibut cook off lunch! (residents vs. staff! i can't wait!!) and im otherwise working through my lunch break. gearing down to move. finally signed my contract. renewing my love with my love! the stress is getting to us, but we're working. through. it. and well i might say. i'm dealing with some intense burnout from work and having to deal with vicarious traumatization, gaps in support/management, and i just want to pull out my hair. i want to have more stories to tell you. hm. xoxo.


"dont let your cock do all the work, all the work"

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rupert just spent the last five weeks...whoops. not what i should have been saying. im so confused! i'm someone's farty friend! haha. anyway, as i was saying, rupert has been playing with this long burgundy piece of leather for about 15 minutes. fucking chasing it around, stalking it, hunting it, just wishing it would play back if you know what i'm saying. and now, he's pooped. he lost his hot-pink bouncie ball earlier today. there's someone revving their engine outside, or he's distracted by jesse's drawing. the sound of my sewing machine winding my bobbin this morning was almost too much for him! all the interesting sounds! I Do Say!

So, five weeks to go. well, just over. nothing's really ready to go and my fucking god im leaving in five weeks. i need to do so many things that i'm not going to write down b/c i'll just get stressed out. we watched "the hills" over at a friend's house. and that silly show, america's talent. bushabo. (did i mention i'm gassy). anyway overall im doing fine, im tired, busy, loving what's going on around me, ie. we decided not to buy a car so that we could go to japan next february to go to eiko chan's wedding!! fun fun fun!!

okay, off to bed. and listening to owen pallet. whoooooppppeeee!! xoxo


"speaking of great minds."

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upon request, the majic ghost patrol tag the house.

people made felt badges. people made collage magnets. people stuffed their faces with crustini and tuna and feta. people drummed on our front porch for hours. people painted on rock. chalked our chalk-board-wall. people brought their lino and rolled it out on the street. they brought their stereo. they did a bit of a b-boy stance. then at two in the morning another friend showed up with a drum and jammed away with stewart. and the mgp. the majic ghost patrol. they grafitti-ed our house. its pretty s.w.e.e.t. i heart the majic ghost patrol. you should too.


a bit of fandangling

we've finally put some of stewart's songs (recorded sunday) on the internet. check it out here at purevolume.com/tickbalm. tick balm? yes. perhaps to change? (p.s. my sister's recording equiptment is pretty good....sweet!


"we're not those kids, sittin on the couch"

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my cruiser, the lady! love the ride, the basket (i temporarily removed it so i could unpack it, and the suspension built into the seat! love!

there's this infamous tree in rosswood, bc (where the view looks like this.) and its called the peeing tree. its next to a creek. and through some magical pumping system and a pipe put through the tree, the tree "pees" water. drinking water. oh yummy yum. so our friend brought us a big jug of yummy water. sure beats the calcium infested town water. sure beats it. i woke up in stewarts bed this morning. went to the farmer's market w/ his roommate (and our beautiful red bikes). we ate homemade pakoras, paranta with fenugreek, rhaita, and locally made lemonade. whilst discussing organic farming with this older german lady who is a local organic farmer. we talked about fish farms. we talked about hormones in meat. i think im going to do the vegetarian thing again. maybe i'll try. cut down on dairy. perhaps cut out dairy. im so bad with working on my health. i put money into savings. i bought stewart a bunch of stuff (this cool buddha candle from maison decor, vintage leather jacket, and a threadless t-shirt) and then i went shopping for myself and bought a bag of the coolest buttons at the thrift store. vintage finds for $1 (hey, this is beginning to sound like obsessive consumption. hm?) and i bought a twice shy organic cotton skirt (the brown one) and it doesn't fit like one in the picture. maybe one day. im off to make jewellery. my sister's in town in a few days. EXCITEMENT.


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the thing about me, which i will easily allow to be because i am a virgo, is that i overextend myself for other people, because im nice, and because i inherently feel that i am really good at those things that i do, so, why should i hold those skills and abilities in, and not spread the wealth? so, i always spread the wealth, and end up spreading myself time, thinly.

ive been helping two other friends the last two nights open a new store (modern furnishings!), just volunteering two of my evenings about 11 hours in total, putting together their inventory system. i offered to put my art piece in the store (they have a blank wall), and they were either a)all for the idea and changed their minds, or b)weren't really for it, tired, and thankful for my help, thus not really willing to say "no". so, i got my hopes up, they didnt pick it up this morning, and then when i went in at lunch they said they were just going to wait for this art that's coming in a few days. ouch. so, its mixed. im upset for a number of reasons, 1)i worked really hard for them, and i made another nice gesture, and i feel rejected, and not needed, or only needed on their terms which means that i didnt set my boundaries for myself and i had high expectations (like i always do) and they were disappointed. 2)because im so tired from working late for them the last two nights that my emotions are compromised, and i cant think clearly or logically. so, my plan of action is thus.
1)go home and hang my piece back on my wall. congratulate myself for actually completing such an emotional piece. and take a nap.
2)remember that their "rejecting" of me and my piece has absolutely nothing to do with me. that they weren't actually rejecting me, and that i'm taking on the feeling of being rejected and unwanted, because i really was seeking validation through having my piece hanging in their store.
3)let. it. go. (which im getting better at).

on a gooooooooooood side. i spent last night with my man. and it was glorious. we hadnt shared a bed in 2 days. nor really spent time with eachother and it was really nice just to be at that stage where i missed his company and attention, and missed giving him attention. this morning, at eight am, leaving my house to go to work, it was really difficult leaving him all curled up in my blankets. .

i start housesitting tonight for some friends. they have many pets, three dogs, one with dietary concerns. im excited to walk the dogs and read my jpod! xoxo.


"thoughts that leave me, chasing after"

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he finally stopped posing for half of the pictures i took the other day. i'm quite impressed to say the least. i was called at my day job by a friend who is opening up a modern furnishings store. thus, i spent the evening working on his inventory. i guess im the new specialist in this tiny little town. another five hours tomorrow night and i *should* be done. holy man. i now know every single item he has in the store. yuck. i feel like a fat vat of interior accessories information. bleck.

my mum took me for a butter chicken wrap this afternoon. yum. and she bought me some hanging files. for filing. that i wanted to do tonight. but no. im reading jpod. and enjoying it. of course. love love love. i received my two final fantasy cds and my black mountain ep in the mail today. just uploading them onto my ipod. its great. i bought a sparkly cherry red cruiser last week. also fun.

life changing brain waving mind altering things? not really. other than i was/am seriously dealing with an incredible bout of the imposter syndrom. relationships are a lot of work. and im getting better at not working on mine all the time. the move to prince george is looming and i have so much to do. and no matter what i have done in the past i cannot make friends with money. i must make friends with money. i need to live within my means. bleck. did i mention its hot here and i cant think let alone NOT sweat. the hottest place in canada on saturday i hear. oh gods.
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the new tattoo. also fun. i love the bright colours. though they did fade with the scabbing and getting wet of the freshness. but i'm going to get it touched up in a few months. (man, it's windy outside...i should lock my bikes up now).


"you have the most beautiful face..."

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ive been biting my nails again, stress. and my pinkie finger HURTS. i need to stop. im drinking a luke-warm microwave homemade soy latte. (coffee from the communal work machine, heated and shaken soy milk). im about to read this book called "how to talk with teens abot love, relationships, and s-e-x". yes, for work. god, my finger hurts. i just realized. both the us. and canada right now have "right-wing" leaders in government. where have i been? this is HORRIBLE!! (oooooh, simple plan on the radio! yes guys, i do feel like breaking down, i do feel out of place! the words of my generation!?---->"welcome to my life!")-----my god, i better be the next coupland. gosh.


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the mudroom. my mum pulled the "lets redecorate my daughter's house".

posting from work. on lunch break. okay, update. [where to start?] i have yet to give notice at my current job that i'm leaving early. that's because i'm having a little bit of a hard time hearing from my new boss about when i'm actually going to start. i need to call her. probably will this afternoon. so, what is my new job. i'll be working for a woman who has strong federal research connections. i will be her "right hand pocket" gal. i'll coordinate/liase between her and all of her research programs. i'll go with her on trips to conferences. deliver papers. conduct research. and the best part is that it's all in the field of aboriginal health. which is SO up my alley. it's my career. so, any guilt around having to quit my current job, which i love and adore, two months early, is erased by the fact that i'm going to be working in my career. the scary part is that the first week of september i'm packing my life up and moving to prince george. with no thoughts of returning back to terrace to reside.

with moving comes a few things.

1. stewart. he's coming with (!!). no pressure or anything, but he decided he wanted to come with me, and so, together we are embarking upon this new life

2. the seriousness of our relationship. how do things get so serious, so fast. it's been almost 6 months and we're in that committed for life stage. which is exciting!! stewart's super excited and has been telling people and they've been misinterpreting it to mean that we're already engaged. and we're not, so it leads to somewhat of a few akward conversations with acquaintances who are shocked (and presumably also excited). on that i realized the only examples i have for "how long to wait until you get engaged" are from popular culture. everyone else i know got engaged really soon, and when you're swimming along in love, you just know that someone is for you (well, at least i do). so, i could easily not wait a long time, but we've kind of decided that with the move, getting engaged in the next four months might be TOO much. and we'd go crazy.

3. moving! i have to leave the beautiful place i just moved into. which is not so exciting. but it feels right. and it's what must be done. i'm so excited to grab prince george by its horns. it'll have no idea what hit it. i'm going to try and get a new music radio show at the community radio station (woot radio experience). we're going to hang out in greasy diners. i hope to volunteer at the elizabeth fry society, possibly. we're going to buy a car (!!). stewart's talking about doing a marketing/management program to study business techniques. we're evening planning beyond prince george (b/c it's part of the transition) and I keep mentioning montreal as the place to finally land. so we're talking about doing xmas in montreal. going to japan next summer for a visit. and on and on and on and on and on. plan plan plan plan plan.

phew! i'm exhausted. i have a blister on my foot from the white-ish sugar shoes. last night we saw mission impossible 3. if i didnt like phillip seymour hoffman, yes, it would have been pretty bad, though i was grabbing onto stewart in suspense. so funny. we ate late, got to bed late, and its so hard leaving his bed in the morning when i'd just rather stick my head into his armpit and sleep all day. i'm no longer turning into one of those mushy girls in love. i am one of those mushy girls in love. and i'm really appreciating it. he and i have worked so hard on our relationship, and somedays its still difficult. but he's a great healing balm (along w/ the other lovelies in my life), and it's nice just healing and healing.

in other notes, we received our cat rupert on sunday. and he's a bachelor. and antsy to get outside. so on friday we'll let him out and he'll run back to my mum's. but we'll spend the next month or so getting him used to our new location. i dont think that we'll be able to take him to p.g. being worried he'd really run away.

i need to get crafting and have a bunch of stuff at home to craft. tonight we're going to have these savory okonomiyaki style pancakes. and home fries. so good. ooooh! and i won a bbq. so i gave it to k--man for his b--day. but, i cant wait to have a veggie dog off of it.

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"i took a bus to the lake..."

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the fashionistas! urban colour fashion show.

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my new sugar shoes!! so fun!

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this old stove we found in kitselas. next to the stove.


"finally, your love pushed me away..."

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there was this fake guy at the columbia icefields building. in their interpretive display. you know, one of those "discoverers of land that has yet to be discovered"? yeah, he climbed that rock.

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a mountain. maybe mt. athabaska. i couldnt really remember. we did see alot of mountains.

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stewart climbs under the rocks to be like one of those aforementioned "discoverers".

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mcbride. where time stops. (and they want to be hockeyville).

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there was this log field in prince george. isnt it crazy!? look at all those logs! and i thought our towns were under siege by the horrible capitalist market set out to ruin our logging industry? what?

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amanda. me. stewart. [like my new hair? its a bit grown out now].
i took a job in prince george. to start in september. kinda nervous. kinda excited. little bit of a woot! more later, when i get home, i promise.


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off on our road trip to pg. jasper. the man and i hit the road in about 20 minutes. lets hope. its rainy. 600 km to go by midnight. weeeeee? see you in a few days with pictures!! xoxo di.


"may the wind take your troubles away"

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my tattoo! the one i got in march. i cant believe i havent posted the picture of it. peeeeshaw.


"i'm bad news, baby i'm bad news"

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i split my lip the other day. and its not really healing. i just ate a handful of girlguide cookies to eat away the sore uterus that's plaguing me. i'm so tired. and crampy. and cranky. the house is coming together. tonight we're going to eat pierogies and salad and then make our invitations for our to-be-awesome party. get with it. (enjoy the photo essay). ps. the plumbing in this house sucks.

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yes, that garbage was inside the house.

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kieran and jesse do the tape and paint, tape and paint.

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my tape dispenser wall. my bed is up against this wall. love it!


who's there?

we've moved in! last night jess and i got our shit together, grabbed our beds, and her princess and the pea like set up and set them up. and got cranky. and ate gross iced cappuccinos from tim hortons with their petroleum based whipped topping. on sunday my coffee travel mug i got from nagano starbucks was possibly taken by the old tennant's daughter. which led to a horrible fandangle with my father. an argument about how his wife doesnt respect our space (she let the old tenant in and denied the fact that she may have accidentally taken it, which is fine, i just want it back), and the argument becoming not about a cup, but about how she doesnt respect me. our space. or our home. slightly frustrating.

ive taken quite a few pictures of the new place. cleaning pictures. friends crying in the corner. my bedroom wall art. i'll hopefully take a few more and get them up here by the end of the week. our house has become this incredible place. my bedroom is warhol inspired. the bathroom will be inspired by existentialism. the chalkboard wall in the living room. the purple cupboards in the kitchen. our soon to be created art space outside. the fun neighbour girl who's eleven and too much fun. she likes animals a lot. and crafting. and being tired. so tired. so very tired from going to bed late because you've spent the afternoon painting. sweeping. mopping. crying. packing. unpacking. dancing (to the faint). and getting excited because stewart actually has days off. in the middle of the week. oh sweetness. its been about two months since we've hung out on a week night. yes!


knock knock

my hair has hit the floor. been chopped off, and well, its cute, super duper short, and i can rock the faux-hawk sometimes. once in a while. i havent taken the camera out in weeks!! im constantly rocking my burgundy blazer. im not keeping up with correspondance with those nearest and yet farthest from me. im really consumed with stewart. sigh. i spent so much of my life wanting a partner who was stylish, liked to shop, took fashion risks. someone who paid attention to what he ate. liked buying soy mayonaise, soy milk, organic fruit rather than non-hippie food. a punk kid. a skateboarder. a musician. an artist. a model (!!). someone who likes sex more than me (!!!!!) someone i can feel ridiculously comfortable with. someone who has ambitions (ie. opening a record store that operates as a little indie community). someone who when i say "montreal" says, "quebec city". and we settle on manitoba as our midway point. someone who, also, just like me, barely three months in, feels like its been forever, and that it will be forever, and we're scared, excited, energized and just so happy to spend our few moments together. its weird that i was brought up knowing i didnt need a man (and wanting a woman was okay too!), that i could make it through my life without a partner. but here i sit grappling with the fact that i want a man. a partner. a skateboarder. a musician. a vegetarian. a sex-machine!! and unbeknowest to me, i can actually get it. and hopefully keep it. for good.

an aside from that is that i need to spend more time with friends. tonight im going ot have dinner with a friend, and then watch a movie w/ stewart (he actually has a weeknight off--he got it off to nude model for an art class!!!), sew, do a bunch of readings, i need a lot of clarification on a few things. i need to work more on myself. eat better. sleep more. create create create. xoxo di.


"all the way out"

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whoa? its been a bit of a while. ive travelled to vancouver and back. ive eaten yam dip and sweet tater pie at the foundation. ive snarfed a vancouver roll at the eatery. ive discussed diversity. ive discussed the rural model for community coordination. ive discussed my sexual predilictions. ive argued with my mum. ive apologized to my boyfriend. ive hugged my best friend. and my best friend. and my best friend. ive swayed in the lights whilst seeing jenny lewis. ive cuddled with my cat. ive encouraged my best friend to buy his first property. a condo. just on the other side of town. down town. from my house. ive cried my eyes out. frustrated. felt taken advantage of. behind. unable to complete those tasks that are infront of me. unable to. ive told him i loved him. over. and. over. discussed those walls that i continue to build and attempt to bring down. i needed him to say that he will "always" love me. im working on accepting that im loved. and that when he says im awesome, its because i am actually awesome. not just because he thinks that. so. far. to. go...


"sweetness, i was only joking when i said by rights you should be blugeoned in your bed."

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the king of teppo machi volume 2. at the art show i submitted to. early february. good night.
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judy, jesse, and i do the art show shuffle. pose for the camera girls! the most fun part was definitely my outfit.

boy just called to do the late night bedtime chat. i really have to work on getting to bed earlier. and not picking my face. yes, not picking my face. oyasumi nasai. xoxo.