i'll be a thorn in your side for always

I am so utterly, wholeheartedly, and genuinely exhausted. 2014 has done everything Georgia Nichols promised it would be a multi-year window of flux + change. How much of it is either existential breakdown, mental health/anxiety, or just being exhausted and unsure I do not know. But it's even more exhausting. Why can't I just be one of the normals who's ok with mediocrity? Mediocrity rules, right? It's like I'm so tired that I consider this my "year-end" and I have two more months left, ugh. 

I considered this blog as good as dead. I mean I have time for nothing. I *should* be lying on my back on my yoga mat willing my pinched shoulder to loosen itself up. I'm always running day-to-day thriving + surviving hardly having/making time for taking care of myself or processing. It's like people who start urban gardening or a new workout regime or have to see a nutritionist or want to heal some resurfacing trauma, you make a journal of all the things you're learning of the things you're doing different, but what if you don't even have time to find a fucking notebook to write in? I can't even make time to find a notebook to write this shit down in! And, I'm learning so much, I want to meaningfully document some of it. You're welcome in advance. This shit is good as gold.

1. Same old bullshit: take care of your physical health. And I don't mean in some fucking white background health blog sort of way. Who has time for that, really? First step is sleeping more, drinking water, listening to my body, sleeping (I've started taking melatonin to force it and kill the anxiety and praise the baby jesus it works), addressing health problems one-by-one (rather than all of them together). I put "get exercise" in this one. Today I cut 20 cabbages in half. That's my exercise for the day. No pressure. No expectations. Get through the day feeling better than the day before. I got to this point where I was taking so many supplements + vitamins + prescription drugs (for things) that I got sick of taking pills! It's kind of what happens when the natural remedy is diet change + more than a dozen vitamins a day. So just get better so I don't have to take so many pills. Makes sense, right? We'll see. I've been so ill for so long I sometimes don't know what will make me feel better, you know? (Except yoga, the answer is always yoga).

2. Take care of your mental health: If I can't make up my mind or think I have to make a decision about something or have a feeling about something that I can't reconcile my go to answer is "go to sleep". My new go-to is "take rescue remedy" (new to me!). After that, "make a decision tomorrow". "let it go to voice mail". Say no to pretty much everything + stick to the basics. Have a bath in tears + epson salts. Nothing is more important than taking care of myself so I can be in the world without anxiety + stress. I heard an interview with Gloria Steinem where she said women were depressed because they aren't angry enough. So get angry + do something about it.

3. Feminism (is the answer): Having a frame to understand how systemically fucked up the world is is so handy. Being able to make life + business decisions BECAUSE OF FEMINISM is the best. We say no to things all the time. We see the complicity and the complexity and we refuse to back down. My job is hard + exhausting + challenging but feminism gives me the tools to do it well and with intention. #thankyoufeminism!!!

4. Men who brew beer in the north are the fucking best. The beer family sees itself every so often and they are so kind + welcoming. Having events that include or are about beer are the best. Any idea + beer will be successful. I promise. 

5. No one gets any piece of the pie. This is a lesson to learn the hard way. Get excited about bringing other people in and realize that the relationship building needs to take way more time (not just a few meetings or lunches or emails). After that relationship is built, move forward in a good way, but take the fucking time to do it. What you have built and own and run is not worth the headache of some douche canoe taking advantage.

6. There are so many beautiful + supportive activists and feminists on the internet and they congregate on Twitter and often they are white men who are tired of other white men's bullshit and they take less space and women and POC rightfully take that space. It's a world where white feminism is seen as shitty + land rights are the most important. I'm grateful for this community to spread the messages of decentralizing and deconstructing the system.

7. Do things other than the internet. Please.

XOXO

how time goes fast.....

Last Saturday me and Sethie and Stewart jumped in our car and headed south east to Errington to visit my family because it was my uncle's 50th Birthday ! ! I love going to their farm and Seth is completely in love with them and all their animals and all of the toyS!!! There were so many great people, lots of good food, and a blustery day that ended up nice enough to sit around the fire. I also got to see my cousin who I haven't seen in months b/c she's been working on the East Coast of the US (providence ish).... She's there for one last night, TONIGHT!, so we're heading out after work.

We've made some really great life decisions lately that will be unveiled soooooon!!! Things are falling into place. I'm so happy. XO

Family Day

I've taken some time to focus more "in-ward" and it's paying off. After a super busy weeks at my jobs, and Stewart's exhaustion from school and finishing a course with a spectacular grade, we treated ourselves to a day on the West Coast! We spent most of our time at the Aquarium in Ucluelet where Seth almost died in excitement at all the FISH and OCTOPUS! We also got to see a demonstration with shellfish and sea stars. Basically they put the shellfish on the back of a sea star. When the sea star responded the Swimming Scallops would clap their "mouths" to build momentum and swim away. The big clams would stick out their inner bodies like LEGS and push off and roll away. It was pretty cool. I also liked all the sea animals that looked like plants. All of their species are from within 5KM of the aquarium and they don't have any big tanks: no whales, no big sharks, etc. The biggest thing was the octopus. I can't believe it took us three years for a visit and it was worth more than the entrance fee.




After the Aquarium we went to Chesterman's Beach, but to the South End (we usually go to the North End). It was super cold in the water, though Seth insisted on running in it repeatedly. We had to pull him out as he was up to his chest in high tide cold water. Changing back at the car was a bit of a challenge, and I was wearing Nylons, so it *was* interesting!!

We also went to do our favourite: burritos at Tacofino and coffee at Tofitian. Ever since I came back from Tofitian with my travel mug Stewart has been pining for something with their elusive skull on it, so he grabbed a trucker hat. Tacofino was closed so we ate at Wildside. OMGYUM.

This week is proving to be overwhelmingly busy again. But I get to cap it all off with a trip to Baltimore to see my dear friend Melissa and get tattoo'd by my favourite tattoo artist of all time, Thomas Kenney. You won't hear from me until I get back. So have a good one! XO

sunday sunday

lotsa toddler meltdowns

gathering stripes in progress

dessert pies!! more coming to home sweet home next week.

This week is over and I'm pretty bummmmmed. It was really busy so I'm still recovering. Have a load of laundry to put in the dryer and then it's good. I also have some work to do, whatever. I spent most of the day in the kitchen cooking pies with Erin (8 in total, more info coming to home sweet home next week) and it was nice to have vegan pies both sweet and savoury. We had SO MANY kids over and it was a little stressful, people make me stressed, I need my down time. So much of my life is social and it's exhausting. At one point I was coming off the bottom stair and almost tripped and broke my ankle on a pile of shoes. I decided to fall and let my ankle be fine. It's a little sore, alas. Now it's my turn to make seth's bed and put him to sleep. One of my favourite times: book reading and C U D D L E S. how was yr weekend?

i have had la bouche in my head for days!

The last week has kind of been a blur. We had visitors, which was GREAT!, lots of visitors. I saw 3 of my BFFs and my sister (huzzah!) over a one week period. I got spoiled by all of them and got to set forth with my sister on planning our FARM OF MYSTERY AND WONDER! yay!

To me the reason the week just dragged on and felt LOW for some stupid reason was threefold: My Mat leave is, in essence, over. Tomorrow I start working pretty much full time at my new job (technical editing for a company in TO). So, I spent Thursday-Today doing pretty much nothing except eating, knitting, squeezing my baby really tight (he starts daycare on tuesday! sob!). Second, I'm totally not used to returning to my MOON CYCLE just yet. I'm a CRAZY BITCH right now and have been a hormonal mess. BLECK. (I'm sure this also has to do with return-to-work, baby in daycare, working but not having $$ yet b/c of massive MSP bill and the holidays, and also not eating well gaining weight and feeling shitty about that). THIRD, when there's a lot of people around I put on "the face". even when i don't intend to do it, or it's just barely there, i don't usually notice it until after all the people have gone (or i've left) and then it's just SLUMP no more busyness and exhaustion from MRS SHOW for two weeks. (I'm going to add a four to say that Seth isn't really sleeping well lately and I'm getting very little sleep and no more than 3 hours in a row...it's been ROUGH). OH! And this song has been in my head!:


MAKE THIS SONG GET OUT OF MY HEAD RIGHT NOW PUH-LEASE?

WIP Wednesday: Shawl and catch up

on tuesday morning i got up early in my pjs and went outside to take the garbage out. my mom came out to let me know that my grandma had passed that morning. she'd been in the hospital for the past few weeks after suffering a second major stroke. death is so interesting and i find i cope so strangely, but that's what grief does, i guess. i'm most surprised by how worn out i'm feeling rather than sad, etc. i'm finding it hard to focus on anything other than dealing with my teething helvetica. who has been quite demanding lately.



in other news i've been working on this here shawl as a thank you gift (much belated) for our midwife. i'm using a yarn that i got from a woman at the prince george farmer's market about 2 years ago. it's a silk blend and so soft and shiny. i'm knitting the traveling woman shawl and just got to the first lace chart. i really like the pattern and am just happy how quickly it's coming together. i'm also working on some gifties for stewart's coworker's bday. rewound all the yarn from my bergen street cardigan which i've now frogged for good, and day dreamed about other knitted things. i wish i could knit all the time.

bedtime! xo

voiceless in victoria, exhausted in esquimalt, feverish in fernwood, complaining on cook, drained on douglas, gong-show on government

i go out of town for what, five days, and i can't bear it. i've been in victoria and have loved a few things like, oh the sakura! can you believe it!? i'm worried it'll be so cold when i get home to p.g. tonight my car won't start at the airport (and then i'll have to take an expensive taxi!) and here there's frickin' sakura! other good things have been seeing p.hayes, hanging with my sister, eating at rebar, and going to lush. it's been great in that respect! my grandparents even celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary last night (to much fuss, but dealt with), and i slept very little, wrote a shitty little paper, got some people interested in gender studies, told people what third wave feminism was (people still don't know!!!), and feel like there's a long knife in my throat! it sucks! also, the problem with family is that they reconfirm for me that i'm fat (not my sister, thank god! she see's their obese oppression and combats it, it just makes me tired and upset). and that i've gained a tonne of weight (well, not that much, i'm exaggerating! but tyra is not fat and people have said she is!) and i'm getting more depressed about it than anything. but that, right now, is based on five hours of sleep, needing a show, a clenched jaw from all the stress, ouch, a want for something to make the troat pain go away, and a want for my being with my man!! it's so hard! five days! i'm missing already! baaaaaaaaaah