well, it's pretty chilly outside--again! this will be a constant refrain from now until forever. im lying on our bed (that is still on the floor, my mum just ordered us a frame for an xmas) doing my power point, procrastinating every once in a while. i just did some "lets find tabs" research for stewart.
i had a crazy dream last night. i find that in the past i've been very honest on this blog and lately because i've been working through real issues i've been less likely to put them on here--which for me is odd that i haven't picked that out 'till now. i know that a number of months back i was having really issues with being open and let me tell you that i'm still having issues with being open. but i feel i need to share this dream because its huge in my healing process (and it will start with explanation).
before i moved to prince george with stewart i went to see one of my spiritual teachers who gave me a crystal ball reading (hey, skeptics, hold your horses) and a tarot reading. i enjoy and look forward to readings because they allow me to work through problems in new ways (and are cheaper than a therapist)--i feel i really connect with this! so, in one of the readings my teacher said, "you have a lot of negative energy carrying with you from a past relationship--it has made you negative, not like yourself, and if you don't cast away this negativity and anger you will not be able to move forward in your relationship with stewart". she also went on to tell me a variety of incredible things that might happen in the future and some of them are beginning to come true (!!), but i'm not really holding out for those things to happen, i just find it interesting that most of the things she discusses usually fall into place.
so, ive been really trying to figure out this "negative & angry" character. who from my past was it, and then after living with stewart for a while i began to see how much my relationship a few years ago has really negatively affected me. and i'm a monster! i've been doing a lot of healing, a lot of talking, and a lot of working through these things i see as holding me back in my anger. i've been carrying around stones, pulling affirmations almost daily and doing cards on most nights asking myself, "how can i heal through my dreams?"
the dream last night signifies an intense healing-session for me and its spurred by two things. the other day i figured out what stewart and i needed (i must preface this by saying that things between us have been ridiculously fabulous lately and the things that mostly bring us down are 1. being poor, and 2. being stressed: i don't think we're that good with dealing with these things--but we're getting there), or what i want for me and stewart: i want an open flow of love between us at all times. in public, at home, when we're away from eachother. i don't care what form it is in, but when we're open to each other all the time (which is difficult because i have so much baggage) it's really nice.
okay, the dream: in the dream i was dating my ex from a few years back and it was in all these places, a mix of cities and farms, slides with cheese, a building with many different people, none of which i knew but i recognized i had a lot to learn from these people. i'm not very good with remembering all of the details, usually only strange things + "the lesson". i was out somewhere and hadn't returned home and had no conception of what time it was. when i returned back to our house i hadn't known that i was so late, but my ex showed up in a toga and was somewhat glowing, happy (jesus like?--strange) and i remember him being angry/worried but happy that i was back with him, and i said that i couldnt do this anymore, that i loved him, but it just wasn't working and we both have to go our separate ways. and then immediately he vanished. didn't walk away. just vanished. vaporized.
and then i woke up 'cause rupert was scratching something and meowing. (he's been stressed lately) so, what do i think this means? i think it means that i've finally let it go. i can only go forward from now on. i need to let my anger go. and stand separate from that anger and depression. phew.
okay, off to finish my presentation. we just had camino organic hot chocolate and stewarts bustling around (and bugging me for listening to anthony + the johnsons), i wonder what he's playing with (and if i can get a hug!)
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