12.31.2006

here comes the pour! i haven't posted on this blog in a long time regarding emotional issues: which, in all honesty, is what i used it alot for when i was in nihon. but, i hate it because i feel like i have no one to talk to (which isn't true, i've talked to a few people): but, i'm in emotional turmoil, and you all know how much i hate journalling, so i'm going to dump it on you. and of course, not all of the details are here, because that's how i am.

so, prince george has been honestly great. i feel like i left terrace on a not-so good note with a few friends, and those have somewhat been patched up (one friend is there always, he understands me like no other), but i've felt really closed off to making new friends (platonic shadows) since i've been here. i'm having a really hard time opening up to the new peeps, and i'm sure that it's hard for them too, and they're not dumb, they probably all see it. the people i've met here are incredible and i want to foster positive relationships with all of them: it's just difficult.

on the stewart and i front things are difficult, and it's because i have all of this baggage from previous relationships that i'm having a hard time dealing with. after working as a counsellor myself i feel that my communication techniques are getting better (i still have a ways to go), and i'm actually dealing with things (rather than avoiding them like before)--but the last longterm relationship i was in i was so depressed and didn't know it--that's the hard part, being sad, hating your partner, wanting out, having no self esteem, etc. i'm not facing any of that this time, thank heavens!!, but i'm having problems opening up (ta dah, see a theme here?) to being in a relationship (the one i am sure is the relationship) with this incredible man.

on top of this, work has been somewhat of a struggle for me too).

and, of course, i'm still dealing with being super poor (we all know how being poor magnifies every little thing to the max and your life feels like crap and you feel suffocated because you cannot even go to the store and buy bacon, nor drive your car because it has no gas and you can't afford gas, and you don't get paid for almost another week and you're tired of asking your boyfriend to buy you coffee or give you five bucks for gas even though you drive him to work all the time! being poor is difficult and isolating).

and, all of this compounds into self esteem issues (which are hard for me because i'm fat! and fat-girl clothes are expensive. and i've broken chairs in public and i feel like everything i put in my mouth just makes me fatter. it's not a good place to be).

okay, so after that dump, my toast is done. i'm going to go lie down, do a reading, and wait for stewart to get home from his walk so we can lie down together.

2 comments:

Melissa said...

those shoes are adorable! I just randomly came across your blog and I think you are awesmoe.

Kalin said...

I think we need a phone call. For both of us.