12.04.2005

"if heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied..."

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im boy crazy. and i feel silly for that last post. so ive deleted it. but, im currently chin deep in this boy-craziness. thus the listening to death cab for cutie. and explaining some predicaments.

boy #1: boy that i wanted to meet before i came home. the one i got on with over halloween. the one that i am pining over. all the time. the only way that ive been able to deal with the fact that he "just wants to be friends" is for me to put my guard up. and now every-single-thing he says to me i assume its a personal attack of some sort. so i just harass him and lay on the sass. i cant seem to let that guard down and so even when he says something complimentary to me i assume hes attacking me for some reason. we cant have a regular conversation anymore because all we have are these little bits of competitive dialogue. and its bugging me because i just want to scream at him and fight for myself. just rip my heart out of my chest and run towards him. and maybe im seeing everything as an attack because i cant, im not willing to, admit to myself that perhaps i do want this kid in my life. in a terrible way. and fuck no! im not willing to settle for just friends. and that if he and i were together it would be perfect. and i could just climb back under that fleece blanket, trace my finger on his tattoo, and bury my face in his beard. right now that's what i want. but im just not so good at fighting for myself. bah.

boy #2: boy that ive been seeing recently. we made out at a party on friday. and there's no chemistry whatsoever. and i think that im using him as an outlet for my misplaced energy from boy #1. and rumour has it peoplet think we're a couple. and he brought it up on saturday and i was too drunk and stoned to answer properly and just said, "can we talk about it later?" and then now it's later and i had an opportunity, and the onus is on me. but i didnt do it. i didnt initiate that conversation because i dont know what i want from this endearing, wonderful kid. and that perhaps no matter how much i joke about liking the younger set, its actually a lie and im really wanting an older partner. and i just for some reason cannot put any energy into this boy. i cant psych myself up about him. and i was excited for a little bit. but then this morning woke up and decided i had to end it. put it back on the friends track. and it gives me a lot more insight into situation with boy #1 and where he's coming from. but i still dont know why he wanted to "just" be friends. (okay, talking about boy #1 again, that's smart. i should learn to keep it in its own section...see how much my mind has been on this!?) this is obviously left unfinished and i hope to be consumed by my work this week so that i dont really have to deal with this.

boy #3: the beautiful boy in vancouver. the one who writes me love letters. and has asked me to stay with him for a few days while i am in vancouver. and says that he'll cook for me. and increase his muscles to show me. and practise his english conversation so he can speak to me. and be the man that really wants to see me. and its just frivolous fun really. but he and i have serious chemistry. ridiculous. so i think im going to stay with him on christmas eve. now that sounds like a ton of fun. the wheels are in motion.

3 comments:

diandra said...

you can see my googlism at my lj
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ohsweetie/
xoxo.

Carly said...

Today is the International Day to End Violence Against Women. Today I appreciate all the women in my life.

I send love to all and thoughts of hope to those in abusive situations. Through loving ourselves fully we love others.

Speaking out about abusive behavior brings us all closer to love.

Anonymous said...

Rah rah rah!

Hey Di! It's Mark! I am leaving you my interweb address! mad_musician@hotmail.com Add me! W00t!