"im so far away and i just can't see you im so far along and i just dont need you i am so alone."

akayu eki. today.

when i was on birth control (of the pharmaceutical variety) i used to cry all the time. most often when i was listening to cbc radio 1 in the mornings. just the stories on there would make me wail. i cried when vancouver got the olympics. i would cry when we didnt get beet greens in our organic food box. i cried and cried. even in my last year of university i cried a lot. not really because of missing vegetables (i was off of birth control by then), but feeling like i had lost myself, because a coworker and friend died of cancer, and because it was all so new and so not what i wanted. since ive been in japan i honestly havent cried that much. i will go through periods, but find that since i have no one to comfort me when i cry (like i did for four and a half years) i tend not to shed tears. (though i have blubbered about on a few significant occasions). today i have been on the verge of tears. not in a way that implicates i need to cry, but everytime i think about my friend's father's death my heart drops. no matter what is distracting me i can feel my heart just plummet down to my stomach. i feel ready to cry. sad. just blown away. and want someone to hold my hand, because i cant hold hers.

last night i had a dream that i was reunited with my ex. i was rolling about in bed with him, just playing, clothes on, making out. i was telling him about japan and saying that it was nothing spectacular compared to my being reunited with him. i was apologizing profusely for even leaving him and coming to japan. and that i made a terrible mistake. and for him to make sure i never leave him again. i remember feeling wanted, comfortable, and happy during the dream. and the kisses were as good as ever. but, i woke up wondering why i dreamt that. that's not what i (think i) want. today i called him to wish him a happy birthday in japan. and our phone conversation was akward, the worst we've ever had. but it didnt end with either "i love yous" or "i miss yous". i should not have to apologize for coming to japan. and i should not have to apologize for leaving either.