ohsweetie

"Being lonely for someone is much richer, more eventful, and more solitary than just being alone." -edmund white.

what's the longest crush you've ever had? does crushing on someone since you were 13 and still fantasizing about them considered a crush? or is it more in the realm of "bananas"? as in, "have you gone bananas?" have you ever thought of the "type" of person you thought you would spend the rest of your life with? did you ever think they existed? or perhaps you forgot you even wanted that because someone incredible came along and distracted you? and for 5 years all you did was eat and breathe this distraction? and you were so in love? and now their words on messenger or in an email make you lonely and miss them because you miss the familiarity? is it wrong that you dont want to be in love with them? and that you find it to be a wrong thing to miss them? do you think its admitting you think you made a mistake? could it be perhaps that the person that was distracting you is actually the person you almost decided to spend your entire life with?

are you sick of "gaining character" and doing new things all the time? dont you just want a hug sometimes? have you admitted that you did find that perfect "type" of person? and that ever since you've layed eyes on that perfect person you've been distracted from your distraction? for at least a good year? but that person isnt so perfect afterall? why would that be? possibly because they didnt think you were that perfect person too? even though he wanted you around for company? and would call you dear? and still sends you article links to things in the new york times that you would find interesting? and only vintage? did you say he wore only used and vintage clothes? is that even possible? so, is it then also "bananas" to be crushing on this "perfect" person even though you know they wont be in vancouver when you get back? and that perhaps they dont want to be with you? wasnt it richard brautigan who said, "just because someone likes your mind, doesnt mean they want your body too"? isnt brautigan smart? and a heartbreaker?

so, where does that leave you now? do you think that you're still lonely? why are you mystified with your days are fabulous? do you expect them to be long and lonely and depressing? isnt that a little pathetic? why aren't you in bed? it's almost midnight.