"stronger and harder than a bad girls dream"

one of my drawings based on "the lady" by r. brautigan.

1. ive been sitting on a post for a while. not actually typed. swimming around in my brain. i reread all of my posts since i started and i feel that i didnt portray the actual feeling i wanted to get across. i need to work on that a bit more.

2. i feel weird talking about my art. i find it unexpected when people will say that its "nice" or that id "be good at this art thing". these compliments mean the world to me, im just not so good with dealing with them.

3. i have a crush. yes, another one. this one feels a little more accidental. nothing invested. just "hey, this persons cute, and pretty fabulous". im not in the mood to capitalize on whatever feelings i am having. i just like that i can feel warm and fuzzy about someone.

4. im getting frustrated when people say my nihongo wa jousu desu ne (デイアンデラちゃんの日本語はじょうすですね). my japanese sucks, and even when i speak and i know im making mistakes (ie. leaving entire qualifiers out of a sentence, or using the wrong modifiers) people still say that its good! grr. also, somewhat attached to this, is that recently its come to my attention that i am the first english speaking (ie. white) woman to live in my town. and i dont feel out of place that often. i still manage to buy lubricants at the drugstore (no womyn's ware here). the attitude towards foreigners isnt really much different from in terrace, and i appreciate that. its a lot easier to deal with.

my dinner. kara miso chashumen. they gave martin and i a free beer.

5. im finding it more and more akward that ive found myself, and yet im not confident in that choice enough to tell people. i did manage to tell someone last night, which led to the "i think you'd be good at the art thing" comment. you're welcome to put two and two together. im just really afraid of failing. not getting accepted. of not doing what ive wanted to do since i was sixteen. it means a lot that i told someone last night. i just have to see how it pans out.

6. its been a hard decision, but ive had to put someone on a partial moratorium. its like a tooth that is falling out, but still attached. and you just want it to fall out so that a new version can fill its place. i want our relationship to evolve. were stuck in petrification.

7. when was younger i had a crush on huey lewis from the news.

8. im pretty happy with my body right now. which is a total shock. i am slowly becomming more and more enamored with myself, which is a definite change from my horrible lack of self esteem. im starting to think that i am beautiful, and that fat is so 1997. i dont know where i stand on the losing more weight thing, and am really into the idea of losing way more of it, but i look slimmer even now and it makes me happy. (why is size so contentious? grr).

9. yesterday i thought it would be cool to get water in my ears, and now i think i have a slight ear infection. ive learned a lot about "swimmer's ear" today and how to pour isopropyl alcohol into your ear to evaporate the water. i just hope this little bit of pain goes away. i cant afford to go to the doctor what so ever.

10. tuesday night, mike doughty, is performing on the late show with david letterman. mitai!

11. ive met someone who is really perceptive in regards to my behaviour. and i love it. its nice having someone around who mocks you and makes fun of you and patronizes you for trying to act cool. only if they realized i was trying to act cool to impress them. i really have to stop doing that.