"there's no blame for how our love did slowly fade"

this evening i met up with joel for a quick round of pop melody. he ended up running into some of his students that were terribly cute, wearing sweet pants, and sneakers, and i swear, i have no age-dar.

i find it funny that i never intended this blog to be the repository for me to talk about my attempts at finding a new partner (whether its just someone to date), yet i feel that all i actually talk about on here is my love-torn self. so, with that said, i feel like i am now standing at a fork in the road. down one fork is the crush that i either a) think i have no chance with or am b) being silly about b/c perhaps he likes me too and we should just get over it and make out. down the other fork is a crush that ive had for a while which will, once in a while, bubble to the surface, and distract me. neither fork has more promise than the other b/c im just so horrible at reading these situations. but, today i found myself getting angry at the existence of fork number two b/c, right now, i just want to put my galloshes on and march down for number one and hope for the best. and, equally, im getting frustrated that im letting all these boys distract me. this is for several reasons. first, that they're boys. i never thought it would be so difficult to find genderqueer. secondly, i have a copious amount of art to produce and yet, instead of doing it, all i do is day dream about the situations that will arise at the end of those forks. thirdly, that even my lack of self esteem is getting in the way, and when i even consider that i could have to choose between the forks, i just dismiss that notion as silly and falsely conceived. b/c in my heart all i think is at the end of those forks is rejection. and as ive been reminded recently, if i dont put my heart on the line, then the rejection fantasies are definitely self fulfilling.