when i was in grade eleven my two best friends died in a car accident about a ten minute walk from my house. they were hit by a drunk driver, who was on probation, who was being chased by the police. whenever i have to get out of the "main" part of terrace i have to travel through the intersection where they were killed. the cross we erected (im not religious, but someone who we knew chose it as a symbol) is still screwed onto the telephone pole on the north-west corner. every so often someone still leaves a floral effigy. i havent left an effigy in years. by leaving town so shortly after their death (about two years later) and not actually realizing that i hadnt healed from that traumatic experience, i find my days weigh heavily. im not constantly bombarded with memory of them. memory of their death and the time around their death. most people here that i meet know that they were close to me. these people dont ask questions. ive had to recount the story for someone. and its conjured up a lot of feelings that i thought i had dealt with. and im more and more reminded of my loss. my inability to cope. i want to move on. when i played the transformation game it was suggested that i "lose my attachment to moving on". to live is to suffer.
im learning to play some new songs on the guitar. its a nice distraction. im liking iron and wine's cover of such great heights. another sad song. i sorted some of my mom's old buttons today. they're sitting in chinese food dishes along my window sill. my mum told me a story about a peeping tom that was once peering at her through the back window. warning me not to leave my blinds up, like i always do. so she put them down. theyre not metal or plastic. theyre white fabric blinds. bed time. xoxo.
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