11.28.2005

"i will wait for you, as long as i need to"

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yum! sugar cookies!


i dont know where to start. i dont know what to handwrite into my journal. i dont know what to put on paper with my typewriter. i do know that sometimes i feel on top of my game. and other times my teeth hurt. and im lonely. but only mildly. probably because im bleeding. my bestestfriend here is so good. i cannot get over how wonderful he is. or how much i love him. and that i want to spend the rest of my life with this man. i just will not have sex with him. and he's not for an open marriage. but the cuddling is taken care of. i feel like im rambling and these thoughts arent for you to know. but im sharing them with you anyway.

ive been thinking about the "boy i like with an alcohol problem". alot. and i think that i really like this guy. alot. and that i have a big problem with his reliance on alcohol to "delete" or "numb" his problems. and without pushing his problems aside, because i think it must be validated that he does have these hard, shitty, awful situations in his life, and that while i don't think he is coping well, he is coping. and knows that he is reliant on substances to make himself numb. and "feel better". and that he has to change. and when i talk to him on the phone. when he's sober. he's so bright and lively and i just want to run and find him and tell him that i want to give him my attention. but im not willing to touch someone with a drinking problem with a ten-foot pole. but then i dont believe two things that conflict: 1. that people should change for a relationship. if you cant do it, you shouldnt (but alcoholism is NOT good!) 2. that someone would change, make themselves better, for me. i feel silly giving this wonderful. creative. fun. loving. cute. generous boy an ultimatum. where do i get the right to tell someone what to do with their life? i just dont want to get into this because i do like him so much and he's still drinking to get rid of his problems and i become a crutch. or that he does stop drinking and then i decide that i dont like who he is and dump him and then he gets upset. or i become attached and he dumps me. and on. and on. and on.

or maybe, as a wonderful friend gave me the splendid and solid and great advice today, i should call boys quits for a while. im turning into that teen girl squad girl with her "i have a crush on every boy". and i do. i wear my heart on my sleeve. so much so that i sewed a red heart on the sleeve of my hoodie. you know. just get the point across.

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