"these are not my people, i should never have come here"

its getting cold outside. im working full time. ive begun listening to the winter blues music. the martha wainwright. the julie doiron. the decemberists. the joanna newsom. the young and sexy. the endless, countless, bottomless cups of tea. with a bit of honey. the daily consumption of yams. yams as fries with sesame seeds. yams mashed with lime juice. always with salmon on the side. fleece blankets. cold toes in my fishnet stockings. dancing at the redneck bar in thornhill. my mum's friend's band. they covered k-os and fleetwood mac. going thrift shopping. singing death cab for cutie with my mum at our friend's anniversary party. playing the transformation game with friends and discussing our strengths and our paths and all crying while we grapple with our abilities and inabilities regarding coping and healing and finding our true selves. having my tarot read and not realizing that things are coming true on either side of the cards. that im a little slow in seeing these events play out. and my reactions. crush on boy has waned. he initiated a "lets be friends" talk. which was painful. and well received. yesterday was the first time i felt completely like myself with him. and that's after i realized that it wasnt going to happen. still acting like an idiot and ignoring him when he looked the best ive ever seen him. having a fitful sleep trying to eradicate him from my brain and realizing how much shit i didnt get to say or deal with yesterday so it constantly played itself out in my sleep. coughing fits. semi-ok sushi. making new connections with clothing stores to sell my designs. planning out art shows. discussing canvas. buying powder blue wool pea coats at the thrift store for seven dollars. listening to michelle shocked. knitting. genmaicha.