6.03.2005

pop culture whore (and i like lists!)

kusuri
kochira ga kusuriya des. akayueki no tonari ni arimas. kyo no ban des.


i picked up the fallen baton from some guy on a journey. i added the book section, and deleted the movie portion of today's exam.

five songs i listen to a lot or that mean a lot to me (in no particular order)
1. "sweeter" - julie doiron and the wooden stars. i love this song because it is super mellow and makes me feel like everytime i want to encounter people i havent seen in a long time, or have to encounter people i dont want to see.

2. "monarch" - feist. this song always goes on mix tapes. and if it didnt occur, its because i put "secret heart" on there instead. the first time i heard this song was the summer of 1999. my two best friends had just died and i was riding around in my mum's van, as i did a lot that summer, and there was no tape-deck, and bad radio in terrace, so the radio was glued to cbc radio 1. and they just played "monarch" straight on the radio. i remember pulling into the driveway halfway through the song and sitting in the van, idling, just absorbing every bit of sound that it put out. i immediately went inside, wrote down the name, and bought the cd pretty quick after that.

3. "lodestar" - sarah harmer. the entire "you were here" album is one of my most favourite albums ever. but, i single out "lodestar" because not only does it hover around five minutes in length, it starts as this soft lullaby and ends with insane harmonies and sarah rocking out. and, well, it makes me think of jeff. as if i needed another excuse.

4. "dunas, ontario" - manitoba, er, caribou. this song is my entering japan song. it will forever link me with the highway stretch from narita into tokyo. all of my nervousness, excitment, stress. and the butterflies in my stomach. this song will always feel like starting anew. being a different person. and finally getting what i want.

5. "roam" - the b-52s. when i was about ten, im not sure if it was before or after my parents split up. but it would be near the end of summer, and my sister and i would pile into my dad's crappy old red nissan truck, and hit the highway to kitimat (destination mt. layton hotsprings). bugs would fly in the open windows, but we'd barely stop to shriek because we were singing along to "roam" so loud! this song will always put me in the place of warm skin from being in the sun all day, the slippery tile floors of the hotsprings, and the killer plate of nachos that we would have after our three hour, half-price wednesday, swimming session.

five books that always litter my brain
1."beautiful losers" - leonard cohen. i first picked this book up at the terrace public library just from browsing the stacks. or someone older than me, who i thought was sooo cool told me to read it. (i think i was 12?) it was in trade. my favourite book format. and i devoured it. i cant remember how fast i read it, but scenes still stick in my mind. the part with f. and edith in mexico just having sex all day and night and using this german vibrator and the vibrator takes on a life of its own and it scuttles across the floor and mounts edith and it doesnt stop. f. has to rip it off of her and throw it out the window where it scuttles across the beach in search of more people fuck senselessly. the book is just so raw and fantastic. my introduction to the fluidity of sexual orientation. my introduction to leonard cohen. my introduction to post-modernist canadian fiction. the reason i want to be a writer. the reason i want to have sex all the time.

2."sybil" - flora rheta schreiber. i too picked this book up from cruising the tpl stacks. im not sure if i read beautiful losers first or what, but this book struck such a chord with me in regards to my ideas of child abuse and mental illness. i remember telling my mom to read it, and just recently she told me she couldnt finish it because it was just too gruesome, and the shit that sybil's mom inflicted upon her was just too horrible to read about. i think that this book also strengthened my feminism.

3. "all watched over by machines of loving grace" - richard brautigan. i have not actually read the entire collection that this poem derives from. and really, its just the poem that gets me. brings me back to the turbulance of the end of grade twelve. musty book rooms. bomb threats at school. teacher strike. sewing. eating canned salmon and hummus with brie (not the cheese, but the friend). the smell of wet dog. fairies. hot hot june days. ferry island. bug bites. whips on my legs from underbrush. our smooth talking english teacher who accepted our eagerness for beat poetry and beading. this poem completes me and inspires everything around me. and honestly, the person i meet who recites this poem to me without me ever having mentioned something to them is my soulmate. and i dont believe in soulmates.

4. "millicent and the wind" - robert munsch. yes, its a children's book. the only copy ive ever seen was the pocket copy my mum used to carry around in her purse. we used to live on a farm, and i always thought of myself as a loner, different, strange, not included, etc. while i was growing up. i really identified with poor millicent when i was growing up. who knew that all you had to do was to tell the wind you were lonely and then the wind would blow down to some american city and scoop up some cute black boy just to play with you on your mountain.

5. "miss wyoming" - douglas coupland. it is very difficult to pick just one coupland book. "miss wyoming" isnt my favourite coupland book, but its picked because its my first coupland book. my first introduction into a plot that moves incredibly fast and characters that are so vivid and deep that you think you know them. that they are your children. that they are your highschool sweetheart. my imtroduction to a writing style that is so fresh you feel like you actually fucking wrote the novel. everything is believable in a coupland world. im just along for the ride.

five tv shows i never miss (that is when i have a television and understand the primary language)
1.what not to wear. stacy and clinton are my idols. i would always postpone my friday night plans just to stay in and watch these two super hip, super stylish, super snobby new yorkers (with hearts of gold!) make over america one horribly dressed person at a time. everytime i put clothes on or am shopping i think about what would happen if i ran into stacy on the street. would she write about my horrible clothes in her "loser" diary back at her loft. with her ridiculously overpriced, but so beautiful, shoes? or would she run up to me, hug me, and say, "damn, your clothes fit! lets go get us some martini's. have you been in to coach yet? ive got an extra grand in my clutch. you sooooo deserve that bag!"

2.the o.c.. i didnt watch the first half of the first season. such a shame. hopelessly addicted to the second half i am waiting with baited breath to partake in season 2. (dont tell me! i must watch it all at once and be suckered into it all!!) there's nothing like tragically beautiful people with problems. and well, gallagher is hot. and the soundtrack. oh the soundtrack.

3.the late night with conan obrien. not only does he shamelessly, and not in a creepy way, say that his guests are hot, but the "flip-flopper" sketches all summer 2004, and the walker texas ranger lever thing he would pull for the obligatory walker texas ranger clip, and the in the year 2000 with jim carrey. modest mouse was on conan. tegan and sara were on conan. i want to be on conan!

4.sex and the city. this is a given. i know. i really got into sex and the city when i had heard a lot of buzz about it in the media and rented seasons 1-3 from the video store. (i still havent seen season 4!) and then saw season 5 and 6 on showcase. when the show ended i cried. probably more so because our weekly saturday sex and the city nights with rika, sam, and tim (usually just the four of us) would eat food and talk about how hot chris noth was. tim would flirt with rika. and sam and i would talk about crafts and just stuff our faces with food. we would trade crafting magazines and gush during the show. and we cried at the same times. we argued over who was cuter (aidan or big..steve always prevailed), who was better for carrie (big or aidan), and who our favourite girl was (all i remember was tim's was charlotte).

5. >play . jian ghomeshi rocks my socks. and for those moments that vancouver doesnt feel cool or hip enough, you can tune in on thursday nights for the canadian arts show with the hippest cutest guy in the country (i swear! justin trudeau, ghomeshi, and george stroumboulopoulos jankened for the top spot!) in a bar in toronto (which is not so cool, but they sure make it seem cool...). this show was probably the one i was saddest about if i missed. and can you believe it? they went and cancelled it. in that the same people are still kicking around they're just bringing magic to the stage in new and mysterious ways. and well, they're helping out over at the hour. george and jian together at last.

6.02.2005

"and everything looks perfect from far away"

lawsons, thursday night
lawsons. this evening. i was waiting for martin to show up for my weekly complimentary lift to miyauchi where we have our japanese lessons.


ive been trying to decide if its more fun to post when slightly blitzed or when sober the morning after. so now im blitzed. and well, today rocked ass. which im only saying because it ended with being in marie's amazing new house and losing all of my attempts at janken for beer, thus meaning i had to get off of my ass and get it. and figuring out how to use their high tech toilet. so cool. and marie showing martin and i her family heirlooms of old (1935-ish) dishes from showa kyu nen. subarashi des yo. and her husband (i forget his name, such a problem of mine, i know) being really into geography and having this fucking amazing map of the first nations of canada (old school but soooo good. made me incredibly homesick.) i have to bring them pictures of the kitwanga poles that i have and pictures of my mom. so young she is!!! and walking home, its so beautiful outside (again i think that b/c im drunk!) and stumbling up the stairs, almost falling into a spider's web. yikes. those spiders are FUCKING UGLY. other than that, i really want a hug. im not sure of myself. and im going to sleep. hmmm. (owatta!)

6.01.2005

"im so far away and i just can't see you im so far along and i just dont need you i am so alone."

akayu eki
akayu eki. today.

when i was on birth control (of the pharmaceutical variety) i used to cry all the time. most often when i was listening to cbc radio 1 in the mornings. just the stories on there would make me wail. i cried when vancouver got the olympics. i would cry when we didnt get beet greens in our organic food box. i cried and cried. even in my last year of university i cried a lot. not really because of missing vegetables (i was off of birth control by then), but feeling like i had lost myself, because a coworker and friend died of cancer, and because it was all so new and so not what i wanted. since ive been in japan i honestly havent cried that much. i will go through periods, but find that since i have no one to comfort me when i cry (like i did for four and a half years) i tend not to shed tears. (though i have blubbered about on a few significant occasions). today i have been on the verge of tears. not in a way that implicates i need to cry, but everytime i think about my friend's father's death my heart drops. no matter what is distracting me i can feel my heart just plummet down to my stomach. i feel ready to cry. sad. just blown away. and want someone to hold my hand, because i cant hold hers.

last night i had a dream that i was reunited with my ex. i was rolling about in bed with him, just playing, clothes on, making out. i was telling him about japan and saying that it was nothing spectacular compared to my being reunited with him. i was apologizing profusely for even leaving him and coming to japan. and that i made a terrible mistake. and for him to make sure i never leave him again. i remember feeling wanted, comfortable, and happy during the dream. and the kisses were as good as ever. but, i woke up wondering why i dreamt that. that's not what i (think i) want. today i called him to wish him a happy birthday in japan. and our phone conversation was akward, the worst we've ever had. but it didnt end with either "i love yous" or "i miss yous". i should not have to apologize for coming to japan. and i should not have to apologize for leaving either.