coffee stain around your eye

 

I have been on the road since December 7th and arrived back in PG on January 11th or something. Feeling the transiency a little too much and beyond happy to be back, at home, in Prince George.  A lot has changed in my life in the past year. Turning 30 has definitely not been as stable as I had hoped it to be, which is unfortunate, because I spent much of my coping time, doing just that, coping with an emotional and existential life crisis that could've been avoided had I been open to the sea change in the first place. For the past few years I had definitely been living in this space where I had identified what an "adult" life was like, which included stability, community stature, and important employment (as well as a typical type of heteronormative romantic relationship) and struggled to maintain that normalcy that I felt typified "island life" and definitely the old school resource-based community I was living in. The things I needed to learn about myself, my life, and what I want I could not have learned in Prince George. But, I am so honoured and lucky to have the strength and ability to quit my life and throw everything into my little car and head north in the dead of winter to be welcomed with open arms not only by my friends, but also by myself.

Tomorrow Seth and I move into our new house and get to create a fabulous little home together. But still, a lot of my normal things remain, and navigating them is my new challenge (and keeping my new self in the process): work and having a job (what does that mean and do i even want it?), maintaining a marriage from a thousand kilometres away, getting over myself and working at being fit and killing it at roller derby, and rekindling and strengthening some of the best friendships i've ever had. I'm definitely looking forward to all of it. And looking forward to finally detaching myself from the fake identity i have created for myself and getting to my core self, which i know is there and i know what it looks like, but have spent my entire adult life being afraid of and avoiding.

the heat escaping barely keeps you awake, shivering in your clothes

It has been just over a week that I last plugged in my desktop computer and today I realized that I have to stop avoiding my responsibilities, plug this baby in, and get to work. The list of stuff I have put off all week has piled up and my list is looong, but no worries, doable, and I'm not really stressed about it.

Seth and I got to Prince George on Monday night after an epic three-day road trip and are leaving on Tuesday morning and gunning for Vancouver. There's snow 'til Clinton, so as long as we get there by 3ish we'll be good to head the rest of the way. The snow here and the cold has been nothing short of wonderful. The coldness isn't even that bitter, yet, and Seth is overjoyed by the time he gets to spend all layered up, waist deep in powder.

well you ask yourself why you're so afraid

The car is 90% packed. The house has less of my imprint, but you can still see me in the piles of boxes and the random stuff left behind. Our new roommates move in tonight and in two weeks I will pick stewart up from the Ferry and we will go to the Okanagan for the holidays. I'm going to spend two weeks in PG. Hopefully to do job interviews, participate in a craft fair hosted by Laura of HOME SWEET HOME, spend some time with friends, and unpack my car. I'm surprised by how much, yet so little can fit in my little car. It's truly disappointing.  To top it off my life is a little crazy and unseeded, I'm sick, and I'd rather go to bed right now but have SO MUCH to do. First thing, load my iPod(s) and shut this computer down and put it in a box. Oh, and make dinner.

(this past week I made sugar coffee scrub and lotion bars with teen moms at the local alternative school. gonna miss those grrrls).