"we made love on the living room floor, with the noise in the background from a televised war."

i was being super narcissistic today and taking pictures of myself at work. we're almost moved out of the building. tomorrow is moving day afterall. and i got to come home early. i saw new boy today, i was with my mum, and things are a little akward in that just starting to like someone stage and you're just waiting for someone to make the first move. the first kiss. the first pass. that tense stage. the stage i have a love/hate relationship with. just kiss me dammit!

"i will wait for you, as long as i need to"

yum! sugar cookies!

i dont know where to start. i dont know what to handwrite into my journal. i dont know what to put on paper with my typewriter. i do know that sometimes i feel on top of my game. and other times my teeth hurt. and im lonely. but only mildly. probably because im bleeding. my bestestfriend here is so good. i cannot get over how wonderful he is. or how much i love him. and that i want to spend the rest of my life with this man. i just will not have sex with him. and he's not for an open marriage. but the cuddling is taken care of. i feel like im rambling and these thoughts arent for you to know. but im sharing them with you anyway.

ive been thinking about the "boy i like with an alcohol problem". alot. and i think that i really like this guy. alot. and that i have a big problem with his reliance on alcohol to "delete" or "numb" his problems. and without pushing his problems aside, because i think it must be validated that he does have these hard, shitty, awful situations in his life, and that while i don't think he is coping well, he is coping. and knows that he is reliant on substances to make himself numb. and "feel better". and that he has to change. and when i talk to him on the phone. when he's sober. he's so bright and lively and i just want to run and find him and tell him that i want to give him my attention. but im not willing to touch someone with a drinking problem with a ten-foot pole. but then i dont believe two things that conflict: 1. that people should change for a relationship. if you cant do it, you shouldnt (but alcoholism is NOT good!) 2. that someone would change, make themselves better, for me. i feel silly giving this wonderful. creative. fun. loving. cute. generous boy an ultimatum. where do i get the right to tell someone what to do with their life? i just dont want to get into this because i do like him so much and he's still drinking to get rid of his problems and i become a crutch. or that he does stop drinking and then i decide that i dont like who he is and dump him and then he gets upset. or i become attached and he dumps me. and on. and on. and on.

or maybe, as a wonderful friend gave me the splendid and solid and great advice today, i should call boys quits for a while. im turning into that teen girl squad girl with her "i have a crush on every boy". and i do. i wear my heart on my sleeve. so much so that i sewed a red heart on the sleeve of my hoodie. you know. just get the point across.

"mr. postman, do you have a letter for me?"

this evening we had a bunch of beautiful people over for dinner. i made baja baked black beans, plain and fancy cornbread, spinach salad with maple sesame dressing, walnut/cranberry brown rice, and yam fries with rosemary and whole cloves of garlic. it was delish. two friends brought desert: blackcurrant/coconut squares, and cream puffs with strawberries and kiwis (both homemade!). we rounded out the evening by singing some songs, and then playing cranium. it was neat to see how my friends would interact with eachother. i think that i like social experiments like this a lot more than i do parties where everyone knows eachother. i like to see who can step up to the plate and meet new people.

im a little cranky today and in a strange mood that is indicating im feeling crabby towards boy. and probably only because i know i cant have him. and especially today im feeling like i want a partner. someone to be intimate with. not sexually per say, but just someone to "be" with. and i hate that. i should be happy with just myself. there's this other guy that im starting to like more and more, but right now i just dont know if i have the energy to get involved with someone who has a lot of issues (re: drinking problem) that can definitely be worked through, and i can just see him reaching out for someone, attention, validation, meaning. and i just dont know what to do. how to respond. its a little iffy right now. and im bagged. so im going to turn off my decemberists cd, clean my labret out, and go to sleep. oyasumi nasai!