(format change): a quick thought on body image.

i had an urge to compose this post as being very different from any other post from before. the only consistency is that the post is still about me! i have always seen myself as fat! for the longest time i didnt understand my body. didnt know how to dress it. didnt love it. didnt appreciate its lumpiness. i was taunted in school (just a little bit). but we all know how destructive just a bit of negative feedback can be. so i wasnt very comfortable in my body. and any chance of me challenging that became an effort to be 'fat and proud'. 'im big, im loud, and there's nothing you can do about it!' and all i can now say about that is, "how annoying!!" once, i was waiting at a busstop in burnaby, in the summer. going to sfu. at this point in my life i felt super shitty about myself. i mean i had gained tons of weight. and my relationship was pretty crappy. and i just wasnt feeling too positive. and these guys. these fuckers. they pulled their car over next to me and said, "hey! you're fat!" i was so shocked all i could say was, "thankyou". (how can people be so mean?) yesterday my mum was wearing these really cute pants. spring green cords. with the cutest butt flap pockets EVER. anyway, they were a bit big for her, so i lent her my belt. and lo and behold we're pretty much the same size! and i think that my mum is pretty tiny. and rather than being negative and thinking "im fat" + "almost the same size" = "my mum is also fat". i did this equation: "my mum fits my belt" + "my mum is pretty tiny" - "im fat" + "other friends have also said im not fat" = "hey, im my mum's size....im also pretty tiny!!" talk about making me feel good about myself. boy (im trying to say, "my man", but its proving a bit difficult?) also bugs me saying, "are you being a girl again?" or something to that effect. just graciously normalizing any body issues that may come up when i change my outfit for the umpteenth time, or perhaps put a sweater on when im no really that cold, or pull my underwear up to cover my belly. i love that just by him saying that it puts it into a societal context and reaffirms that there is nothing wrong with me. i am comfortable in my body. i am beatiful. i wear my clothes well. i have awesome style. i am honoured by my own physical presence. i am making positive changes to my physical health. wooot!

"illuminate the nos on their vacancy signs..."

oh boy. oh boy. oh boy. this girl with her heart on her sleeve has been so careful to keep it in. to stay behind the walls. the berlin wall. the great wall of china. the walls that keep my negative self talk up and present and good god always on my mind. and lying in bed. (he was in the shower). my room reeked of desert sweet sage (cleanser). telling myself over and over. i am living a positive and healing life. i am growing daily. i can give and receive love. i can give and receive love. i can give and receive love. applying the positive. we stayed up late. at five a.m. i woke up and rolled over and grabbed him and said, "i love you". i did it. i fucking did it! and im in a good place. i was so wrapped up in my own shit that has to do with me saying it that i just didnt think. can you believe it? i didnt think he would say it back. whether he would or not didnt even cross my mind. i need to love myself. i want to love him. this is the first time ive been in love with someone and 1. not rushed into it (i mean, we've been seeing eachother for 12 weeks or so, and for me to wait that long is a long time), and 2. not felt trapped by that love. that he adds to me, rather than filling a gap. ive never felt this healthy about love before. (and he did say it back. it was 6 am. the sun was just making the early morning a bright grey. he was exhausted. positively glowing. grumbly. opening up. being present. and i just feel so awesome right now. a new door is opening.)

its cold out. and bright. i began riding my bike with a bit more fervour yesterday, and then my dad brought the car over and im going to go home. and nap. and clean my room. and cash a cheque. and smudge my room. and set up some salt. and read tuesdays with morrie. and listen to my new spoon, imogen heap, and jenny lewis cds. i cant wait. the best day for lying in bed. xoxo di.

"i'd like to live where soul meets body"

whenever i type a key with my right hand its about a key over and im spelling all my words wrong. last night was a culmunation of a million little moments over the past week where i didnt sleep. i was climbing into bed, in my sleeping sweater even, and i called boy for our nightly 11pm-ish talk. not so smart when im trying to get to sleep. he told me that his brother died that day. his little, in his early teens, brother. the one who has been battling cancer for a few years. i dont feel like im at that place where i can give him support as a lover. if that makes any sense. i feel that i could give intense support as a friend. i dont even know what he needs. he left me the sweetest and saddest note this morning. saying thankyou for swooping in and making sure he didnt go home alone. but i was up until three in the morning playing that role. the one where i take care of someone, and not myself. i need to go to sleep right now.