oh boy. oh boy. oh boy. this girl with her heart on her sleeve has been so careful to keep it in. to stay behind the walls. the berlin wall. the great wall of china. the walls that keep my negative self talk up and present and good god always on my mind. and lying in bed. (he was in the shower). my room reeked of desert sweet sage (cleanser). telling myself over and over. i am living a positive and healing life. i am growing daily. i can give and receive love. i can give and receive love. i can give and receive love. applying the positive. we stayed up late. at five a.m. i woke up and rolled over and grabbed him and said, "i love you". i did it. i fucking did it! and im in a good place. i was so wrapped up in my own shit that has to do with me saying it that i just didnt think. can you believe it? i didnt think he would say it back. whether he would or not didnt even cross my mind. i need to love myself. i want to love him. this is the first time ive been in love with someone and 1. not rushed into it (i mean, we've been seeing eachother for 12 weeks or so, and for me to wait that long is a long time), and 2. not felt trapped by that love. that he adds to me, rather than filling a gap. ive never felt this healthy about love before. (and he did say it back. it was 6 am. the sun was just making the early morning a bright grey. he was exhausted. positively glowing. grumbly. opening up. being present. and i just feel so awesome right now. a new door is opening.)
its cold out. and bright. i began riding my bike with a bit more fervour yesterday, and then my dad brought the car over and im going to go home. and nap. and clean my room. and cash a cheque. and smudge my room. and set up some salt. and read tuesdays with morrie. and listen to my new spoon, imogen heap, and jenny lewis cds. i cant wait. the best day for lying in bed. xoxo di.
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