"people thought that they were just being rewarded..."

a whole week. i got the flu. sick. vomitty sick. i drank gin for the first time in a long while. just a little. i smoked two cigarettes. also havent engaged in that activity in a long while. i was on the verge of telling boy that i loved him and struggled and struggled and struggled. and i didnt tell him. instead i freaked out and told him i needed space. which he oh so nicely granted me. i am one of those girls that is all about her relationships. yuck. and in this time "off" (we're still together, just not calling eachother every day) ive tried to settle my brain down. tried to sort some of my stuff out. and ive come up with a few things. one, im too fucked up to be in a relationship with someone i love. just not going there. and i feel that its run its course. and im just feeling weighed down b/c i wont see him in a place to have this conversation for quite a few more days. is this an important thing to post about? i dont really know right now.

on the other hand i was teaching a peer counselling class at a local junior high school on monday. after the class i went hunting through the new beautiful school to find my most favourite teacher ever. the teacher i dropped french for. meaning i didnt take french nine so i could take media and journalism. creative writing. and by not taking french nine i couldnt take french ten nor eleven. and couldnt get into university. and im so happy. because those classes meant so much to me. and he and i sat for fourty-five minutes. and chatted about japan (he taught there too). culture shock. writing. eden robinson. northern landscapes. my master's plans. sarah de leeuw. working. his son and his ardent turn to capitalism. richard brautigan. he kept saying over and over. and glowing glowing. about how honoured he was that i came to visit him. after all those years. im going to call him. take him out for coffee. show him my pictures of japan. share stories. give him something back.