"and all you see, is where else you could be when you're at home..."

i think i've used this lyric before, as a title. but i really like it. and it's totally where i'm at right now. i'm having more low days than up days, but i'm trucking a head and i should really move away from my knitting needles and move away from this computer (and scrabulous!) and move towards my texts. i'm having one of those days where things solidify for you. the things that solidified for me today are that i want a child. soon. i always said that by the time i was 26 i'd be pregnant. (i know most haven't heard this, but it's been my personal goal). so, in a weird way i've decided to go back on the hormones that encourage your body not to get pregnant (first time in, what, a number of years). getting preggo right now may be what i want in a part of me but finishing my MA gets to be more important, honestly. so, put it off for about 6-7 more months. yes.

today i also realized that the pornography class that i'm in is, well, not for me. sitting through it today was a struggle and i felt that i was put on the spot and then degraded for being "in the spotlight". i do not know what is wrong for reducing a text that plays with a variety of literary structures and histories i have no academic access to, to a piece of pulp. anyway, long story. i really dont want to go back to the classroom. but it's show and tell next week and i want to show the ))<>(( part of me and you and everyone we know. nice.

something else that triggered me is that we as a society, as "women" are so stigmatized for putting our vaginas in the air for a medical test. there is so much anxiety and self-image issues around getting your pap that the issue becomes more about the doctor seeing you naked, having a smelly vag, or looking funny "down there". when in fact shouldn't the anxiety come out of the reality that these "mandatory"/"recommended" tests are to screen for cancer and that maybe we should be more anxious because this little vagina in the air situation could mean that we have CANCER?

i'm on the miranda july newsletter list and last night i got this email (shortened):


hello,

for those of you who are american, you now have a holiday. there may be times during this holiday where you feel a) not as happy as you had planned on feeling, b) like ripping someone's head off, or c) fat.

this is because it is a holiday celebrating genocide.

so true. ah. i love it.