"fun fun we hit the step step!"

an excerpt from the email to the girls. dont you wish you could have all of it? xoxo di.

"its sooooo good to hear your words. i feel so all over the map right now and out of control. every song i hear, every smell i smell, and every sensation i feel has this effect of making me feel like i will never feel this shit again and that i will never get this back. even though i want to come back to japan one day, i cant figure out if it should be for one week or for the rest of my life. i feel so solid here and so grounded and just the idea of leaving makes my heart break. it is so much to deal with while i am sleep deprived, dealing with a small cold, and a chronic hangover. i feel so out of touch with everyone and i feel horrible that i havent kept in better touch and kept you more updated. i know that you are dealing with your own shit and im fucking awful for not being more interested in what is happening with you. so i guess this will be a long update as to where i am to hopefully get you up to speed and you will see where i am making my choices and why. "

p.s. saying goodbye hurts.

"speak slow, tell me love, where do we go, a ha"

today after my last class i sat down inside my bosses car. he sighed a tired old sigh and said, "thank you". in another class the mothers were tearing up. they hugged me. consequently, i too teared up. riding a friend's bike on the hunt for bailey's (couldnt find any and ended up with this cheap shitty bottle of coffee liquor that would ONLY be good in martinis) i ripped my pants on the pedal. im eating an entire bowl of these peanuts and rice crackers. which should really be paired with beer. its early september and yet im sweating like its july. its terribly muggy out. there was a chuo kawai no storm today. i gave yui chan my tegan and sara tape from the car. the one i had made jason. now passed on to a 12 year old girl for her birthday. nap time.

"i know, i know, you tried to change things.."

again, im biting my nails. i still wake up with the nauseau of wondering if everything is going to work out okay. ive decided to move back to my hometown. convinced my mom not to paint over the himalayan green in my old bedroom. can you believe that none of the old furniture exists. and the garbage. oh, all the garbage that my now-empty apartment that i no longer hold the keys to yields. i am officially the bearer of bad karma as it is associated with garbage disposal. shitty. being a bit buzzed and tired sucks. i cant believe that to stop myself from crying in front of a student today i promised her and her sister i would karaoke with them. im dying my hair even blacker tomorrow.. im dying to go to sleep.