Oh my love this is our town, where gray cloud wander over heaven and ground


There's been some sirens ringing outside for about 5 minutes, a gaggle of them getting closer to our neighbourhood, and they all culminated what sounds like a few blocks away. My mom lives a block away, so I naturally worry, then reassure myself: she's probably fine.

Tonight was benchmarking for our league in Ucluelet. I skipped last week because I just couldn't bring myself with all the stress going on in my life, to taking on my 25 in 5. Then I found out that they did it on an unmeasured track, and some girls were getting 36 laps (!!), which was going to be the case tonight. If I had gone and done my 25:5 on a smaller track I would've "benchmarked" and then would've had to retest my laps in a few weeks, which would take some of the pressure off. But half of this house we're in is sick with the cold, and that includes me, and I'm in no shape to get to Ucluelet let alone take on a benchmarking practice. I swear I'm not psychosomatically getting in my own way, but it sure feels like that.

I was emailing to a friend today that I'm the queen of self sabotage. There's some life changes coming down on me right now and I could easily suck it up and stick with the status quo I've got going on (which is pretty good), or breathe in really deeply and take a leap. There's a chance that even if I leap, things might not change. But if they do change, then I'm going to have to find my way back down to the ground, and navigate a bunch of stuff, like a true, bonafied adult. 

So, basically, I'm freaked out. Will now put my nose to the grindstone and pump out this document that could quite possibly change my life (and if it doesn't, well, then I'm freaking out for nothing). XO


Eden Oliver said...

Dude, now I'M worried about Mom.

Oh dear, we are our mother's daughters.

I can't wait to see you this weekend, even if it's briefly, so I can give you hugs and let you know how much I love you in person :)

Mountain Girl said...

Who knows where you will end up after the leap. However, the willingness to take a leap in response to not being happy is something in itself to celebrate. It's so easy to be dissatisfied, bitch and stress about it, and then go back to your life as is - still dissatisfied.

Self sabotage? Maybe, maybe not. Be aware it the possibility and then cut yourself some slack. Take one thing in your life at a time, in priority sequence. In that context, where does the 25 in 5 really sit. It likely has more weight figuratively than physically, but it's all pretty minor compared to dealing with life changes and family health.

Love you so much.