"its hard not to look in the mirror's eye"

the king of teppo machi is finished and installed in my flat until the sixth of august. until then, if you're in the area, feel free to drop by and take a peek. after that its going into the suitcase and not coming out until november.

ive had a request to talk more about being queer. no pressure. and ive got about ten minutes until i should run upstairs and teach my class. so, i will blab.

when i was in junior high my being a feminist coincided with two things. one, that i was a lesbian. bulldyke. butch as hell (i mean, i didnt own a skirt, and i KNEW lesbians, it must mean something). so, b/c being a lesbian was portrayed as BAD NEWS by even my friends, even though i loved the lesbians around me, i wasnt out as a lesbian in highschool. even though i had made out with women (mostly in the puberty driven experimental stage). i didnt so much think that being a lesbian was bad news, but i had issues with my cunt, and the way i liked it touched, and by whom, being attached to my politics. i didnt believe that i had to want to eat pussy just to be a feminist. that said, ive always been attracted to women, and still stuck to the gender dichotomy.

fast foward to the last five years. i was in an intense, committed, monogomous relationship. with a man. my highschool sweetheart. the first (and only) person ive had sex with. relationship problems aside, through university my love for SEX blossomed. and, the fabulous thing is that now im not using my cunt as a form of polical seperation from the "opposite gender" but am using my cunt (metaphorically right now) to make my own choices about how i want to use it. and basically, i just want to use it with other people right now.

so, the queer part. i identify as queer. i have not had any totally sexual experiences that would define me as queer, and i rarely fantasize about people that are women, transgendered, or also are trying to eschew the gender dichotomy (its really difficult to do, but a daily fight). while i still identify as a woman most of the time, i dont feel that i should limit my experience, my sex, and my cunt to a specific gender. people are beautiful. if im attracted to you, i dont want to have put up boundaries so that i cannot love you. fuck you. suck you. cook you lunch. no boundaries. im also having a difficult time identifing as queer b/c im worried that i will be sussed out as NOT queer, and be rejected by the queer community. which is a valid fear. but, i am terribly attracted to people of any gender, and want to have relationships with those that will love me back. i have no intentions of trying to pin a specific gender category on the next relationship i persue.

presently, i am trying to follow a crush on someone that does identify as a man. its not a political statement. its not an attempt for me to stick in familiar territory. its because everytime i see this person i dont want them to leave. i just want to spend time with him. i want to share things with this person. and no matter how hard i try to shake it (ie. "i need more time to make art". "im leaving so soon, why would i want a relationship that may or may not put my heart on the line??", etc...) i just cant.

okay, times up. in a few more days ill try to post more. or try the audio posting. gambarimasu! xoxo di.