lodestar (out at the hideout)

i feel like an idiot and am having conflicting issues today. maybe a list to show what's been running through my head?

-this whole blogging thing. im trying to talk about as many things as possible, in the most brutally honest way possible. and i broke a blogging rule, telling people you know about your blog, because well, then im less likely to share things, that i would normally share if i had a false identity. but i dont like being anonymous. i love who i am and well, why the fuck would i want to hide myself from those that love me and know me best? and why not use this forum as a way for having them get to know me better? but, often i wish i could write things that i dont write about (ie. a sex post everyday!!! or posts about fucking up, whole posts dedicated to the word "fuck", and just a general "what is dating, again? how do i do it and not get rejected?" blog. hmm. i need to get on that, no?)

-im not having the "japan experience" like so many others have. im not travelling around. i dont know that many people. i dont eat crazy japanese things just because im in japan. i dont know how to ask the right questions when i meet someone (in english or japanese) and im not upset, but a little put off by the fact that i havent really met anyone as spectacular or crafty or arty, whatever, as i have in other places. so im constantly clinging to those friends (and boy have those friendships strengthened no?) and clingling to november in vancouver, and not rooting myself (well, i mean, this is a highly transient affair) in the concrete and rice paddies that surround me. i dont hate it here, and in that cliche, i have found myself here (and that is an arty self, let me tell you!). im in the place where i can tell my boss that i dont want to extend my contract because im moving back to vancouver to make art (and i have an artshow!) but, i look at pictures of others, those in japan, with their gaijin friends, blitzed, singing karaoke, having "the time of their lives" and im sitting here stressing about not having time to finish making my shrug. and i dont know how to take it. i agree with jason that many gaijin that are here arent that fun. all they really do is complain about what japan isnt. but on the most part the (few) gaijin i have met have been wonderful (still, no knitters, no gin drinkers, no one who wants to listen to le tigre and bounce up and down!!), but i feel so removed (good thing, bad thing, im not sure) because i dont have that set network. and ive always been the person who changes themselves to belong, who fights and crys and punches walls (metaphorically) to fit in, find friends. and now, i dont want to cry, i dont want to fight, i dont want to change myself. ive decided that i rock, and well, everyone should be my friend, right?

-douglas coupland he's always on my mind. (terry)

-today my classes went okay. well, good actually. they went by fast, and yui (11) has picked up a good 20 verbs, which is exciting. but that's two months of practise on said verbs. but its paid off. and it made me happy because, at least by my standards, she knows these concrete things.

-ive been thinking more and more about writing books. three are concurrently working right now, yes, ive started them all, even if only in planning, but the brautigan one is in full swing. my plan is to get my drawings done by the end of my "nihon extravaganza" and then write the "biography" thingy when i get back, and then again, whore myself to publishers. im sure for the brautigan one id have to go into the states to find some bizarre indie publisher (with people in submissions that are still beat all these years later). the cookbook, well you all know about that. and the third. its a secret. because i dont want to fuck it up and then be too self absorbed. just a total secret.

-today i ordered a cd by a japanese band called the portugal japan. cool, cute group sounds. i cant wait until it arrives.

-but i like the GAP and Starbucks!!

-my favourite cd to sing to is s. harmer's you were here. and ive been listening to it over and over all day.

-today i got the best compliment from jeff who said that he was going to have a dinner party and use my cookbooks (and my table, and my soup pot, but that's another story), and that i'd be there in spirit. oh jeff, i miss.


(sorry i talked your ears off)