tomodachi

its not a lie when i say that im not actually lonely anymore. but, i cannot say that i dont miss people, because i miss my friends and family tremendously. honestly, mostly my friends. and it seems that we're all coming into our own this year. and that is really exciting. but, i was thinking. i have friends here. people i see. people i do things with. people i make mix-tapes for. but, it doesnt feel the same. and i couldnt figure out for the life of me "why" these friendships werent the same. and then yesterday, eureaka! presently my theory is thus: i have 18 close friends. and, well, that's a really high number if you think about it. lots of people have one or two best friends, but i have 18 best friends! and its wonderful. im not intending to make this sound like i am bragging, but what i am trying to stress is that with these people i have had the opportunity to have them open their hearts and run blindly towards me. and i in turn rip my heart out and sprint towards them. so, while in b.c. i have these super-close friends, i also have friends that im not particularly close to, those that havent yet opened their hearts (though i swear ive ripped mine out for them), and its not that frustrating because i have this wonderful 18 to counter-balance that. but, here, i really have no one that has ripped out their heart and run towards me. i have ripped out my heart for at least 4 people (which isnt that many) and there's no reciprocation. and it sucks. and i know that im not trying that hard. and it is somewhat difficult to make friends here when i have no social network (i mean, at least in vancouver i would have s.f.u., or work at various jobs). but here, i have one co-worker, jason, who isnt really a co-worker, and we're not super-close. but we've been friends for a few years. other than that, really im having such a terrible time meeting someone who would rip out their heart. and then i got to thinking what ripping out your heart entails. and it made me realize that my 18 are so fabulous because they are just like me in that they give the love always and are constantly willing to say tremendous amounts of fabulous things about you, to you, to others, while you do the same. and its splendid.

well, that really went no where, but i had to get it off my chest. presently im colouring 30 drawings of tree stumps for a board game and am quite behind. egads.
xoxo. (p.s. to you 18!! i love you so much! i cant wait until we can shake our asses to deceptacon and drink gin and eat copious amounts of vancouver sushi.)