terms of endearment

do you find it weird that you know people who have blogs and they brutally will be honest and talk about you on said blogs, and not usually say these things to your face. because they arent really for you, but it just their recap of what happened. and usually there is enough discretion to not say anything horrible, though i did fuck up once, and have deleted one post, only that once. so i find it weird knowing that people i see regularly read the blog, and that what they read they consider to be brutally honest, and yet i dont feel honest at all. i feel like a liar. a fraud. im hiding something. and i feel like a weak person who cant be honest infront of said people. and on the whole they dont mention the things that i find to be walking out on the limb, putting my heart out on the line, as if they didnt exist. when to me it took so much gumption to post it.

i've realized that i've been taking the wrong approach with trying to get someone to read books to me and let me make them pancakes. i've really been taking a few different approaches, the first being the "i'm horny" approach. which died fast, because i was having fun by myself. then i was actually on the "i have a crush on someone" approach, which didnt really work out. and, for the last two weeks or so i've been on the "i'm really lonely and available" approach, which i've realized is the worst approach ever. there's no way to indicate to someone that you have a fucking rough crush on them by telling them that you're lonely. i really wish i had more experience with this. in "high fidelity" the main character discusses the different approaches to dating depending on your age. the teens were just uncomfortable and your friends talking to other friends, etc. and in your twenties its easy because you can just be brutally honest and tell someone you like them. and just assume that they like you too. and rejection is nothing. supposedly. so, how do you just approach someone and tell them that you like them? ha ha. "well, diandra, you just approach them and tell them you like them. that they're cute, terribly fabulous, and rock your socks." (thanks t-rex!)

that aside, i feel a lot lighter. today i was called "treacle" which i didnt know the definition for at the beginning but turns out to mean "a medicinal compound formerly used as an antidote for poison." (or molasses, cloying speech or sentiment, an expression that is excessively sweet and sentimental, etc..hmm) also, at the ekaiwa we played a game where you put a fault and quality of yours on a separate pieces of paper and into a hat, and then as a group discuss who it was you think had the quality. no one thought that it was i that wrote "narcissist", but infact thought it was martin! even martin didnt guess me, even though yesterday, in the car i was saying really loudly, "i'm so narcissistic!!!"