"you're once more two arms reach away"

i feel like i sound sadder than i appear to be. or sadder than i thought i was. and that ive been putting this beautiful glaze on everything to make myself feel better. i know beautiful people. im doing fun things. i have lots of (alone) sex (ie. when i feel sad i masturbate to make myself feel better. and its really good. i never finish short.) and most of the time i feel on top of myself. so, i dont know what's going on in my head. i finished nihon!go! #2 last week and have finally been passing it around. i think that it comes off as a more "down" diandra than i was going for. compared to the first one i think it comes off as really happy. hmm.

i guess right now im just having conflictions around being that person that talks about her feelings all the time (as if there is a problem with that), and hopes that someone picks up on it. im probably just feeling really homesick and really needing jeff to gawf at something i do, or drawl his voice.

i also realized that when i talk about "the ex" to people here it probably doesnt come off like i am still best friends with him. and our relationship is probably the strongest its ever been because we sorted the shit out. though i doubt we'll go back to it. that's all i have to say about that.

im getting frustrated by my shrinking self and well have finally been able to see the change in my body and that clothes i alter to fit only two weeks ago are too big now. its true that im not eating really. and in the last week ive been really stressed out about work and needing intimacy and someone to just tell me they really like me and they want to spend time with me that i havent been paying attention to my eating habits and thus am not eating. i was beginning to think it was an eating disorder because even tonight i didnt really eat because i was hungry, i ate because i knew i should eat.

i still want to complain about that lack of someone, but i think that i have to stop. im working on erasing the crushes i have on people, which im assuming is for the better unless someone indicates to me otherwise, and its a healthy, yet draining feeling to just realize you were being fucking retarded and that you'd never have a chance with these beautiful, smart, wonderful people. that its not just going to happen. it really destroys the self esteem in a way. so, i just hope that my change in behaviour isnt unsettling and akward.

ive been listening to peachcake and the longranger over and over and over. dancing in front of my computer and memorizing the lyrics. and its good. it makes me feel better. and that i do belong somewhere.