"walked up and turned away..."

im posting this from my phone. im about to take a twenty minute train ride to kaminoyama and usually use this time to reflect. ive been feeling "not myself" lately,and that i am being too honest on this blog. i feel "larger than life" a product of my overreaction to everything and am tired of constantly reverting to loud obnoxious diandra. i miss my quiet, non narcissistic self. i feel like ive been begging for attention, and am finally getting it, but im not sure its the kind of attention i want. im a constant flipflopper who crushes on everything in sight,who cant decide if she wants to attempt to get the one guy she pins for, because maybe being "just friends" will have better results.
i havent really talked about this on here, and its probably b/c its not really a part of my life here, but im really wanting to date women and transgendered people. i know that my whole decision around being queer is based on not limiting my sexuality to a gender system. so i feel weird singling out one gender... but, i think i just want more experience, sexually and emotionally and politically for sure. and i find that it is really difficult for me to obtain that experience here.
ive also been thinking that i will be here for just another 5 months and perhaps not pairing is a better idea. but, it is such a conflict with the side of me that wants to hold someone's hand in a movie theatre, play word games in bed, someone to distract me from work, and someone i can be sexual with. and i just dont know where to go with it all. flip flop flip flop.