"what would you do if i sang out of tune, would you stand up and walk out on me?"

today ronan, eiko, and i had dinner at 3125. we were early, so ronan sucked some cock and got to play with the turntables.

"its about two am and im lying on a bed in the tasu hotel. my friend has been smoking so the shower to get rid of the cigareete smell didnt really work to wash the cigarette smell off of my body. she was sitting in the chair and telling me the story about when she left new zealand and how difficult it was, and how that i have been here longer and have many more friends and that it is really difficult. i told her that i really like kare and its sad im leaving b/c id love to take it somewhere but cant b/c im leaving! samishine! i hate that i like him so much and i cant fucking do anything about it. right now im stupid exhausted and feel like im dying emotionally and physically. i must go to sleep." (last night)

its not ronan that im smitten with. its this beautiful, stylish, dirty, rural, motorcycle riding, marlboro smoking, facial hair owning, tall, skinny, shaggy hair with bangs, works in a car parts factory, farmer's boy. last night he grabbed my hand and said, "goodbye dear". when i asked if this was the last time i would see him, he said, "maybe", let go of my hand, and said, "see you later". i fucking love and hate the fact that im leaving b/c it gives me time to think if i do want to come back and convince this cutie to marry me, or if i just want to come back for a holiday. melissa is the bomb for reminding me, "just keep swimming".