sweeter

do you ever listen to a cd repeatedly? over and over and over, and it doesnt wear off on you? and the more you listen to it, the more you love it? well, for the last day or so i have been listening to jd and the wooden stars constantly. (maybe that's why i am so depressed??!ha ha) and i love this cd more than anything right now, and its so genuinely warm and inviting. i just want to make love to the music. (hey, everything that im wearing, even my underwear is grey).

my internet is being very spastic and only working once in a while. it keeps giving me all these error messages in japanese and i can't figure it out. but now it's working and that is a relief.

I've been thinking about why i have decided to move to vancouver. and its a long and messy explanation. and i think that i will start at the presumed root. because there isnt one reason for everything now is there? so, all growing up the only goals i had were this: 1. not get pregnant before i finished high school, and 2. get a university degree. anything else is a cake walk. so here, i find myself, trying to find myself, and ive never really had to think about what i want to do before, because ive accomplished what i set out to do. right? so, thus, after japan (b/c this isnt really what i wanted to do, it was more of an emergency measure, to relax a spastic mind and ...) i have had to figure out what i want to do. and i really, im a free agent, i can do anything that i want? right? well, you'd think so, but i constantly feel like im letting people down, and that im being untrue to myself and that im just making mistakes after mistakes after mistakes. and its really frustrating. with that said, why did i pick vancouver? and turn away terrace? and say no to victoria for the umpteenth time? im not completely sure. but, i do know that i did live in the lower mainland for 3.5 years and it wasnt completely on the terms that i wanted, in that i always had a fantasy about how i wanted to do vancouver, and now i get to do it, and im terribly excited. also, im not finished with the city. i havent done the city. i want to feel wet (from the rain, and other things... ) and dirty, and just like a city kid for a while. and then, when the olympics begin to shadow vancity, then i'll move. or when hawksley workman asks me to marry him and move to ontario. i'll move. but, for now i will stay in akayu and then move to vancouver. and i'll sew, and drink soy milk, and makeout with cute gay men. that's my plan.

for the next 3 days i am going to be terribly busy and i cant believe that im still on the computer. i must get up at 5am tomorrow morning so i can go to sendai to go to immigration to plead my case (let me stay!!!) xoxo di.