"i just can't deal with the rules, i can't deal with the pressure"

well, another few days off from work are over. i'm happy i had those days off but didn't do anything really productive other than knit for a swap, do some laundry, do a number of loads of dishes, catch up on sleep, do our taxes, and get my MAT leave stuff sorted out. now looking at that list it feels like a lot, but namely i didn't work on my thesis revisions (blast) and i kinda feel like i wasted time not working on them (though i am still waiting for books!). i need to get better at that, the actually doing them part.

i've been really stressed out these past two days for two reasons directly related to having a baby. blast! first, after doing my taxes i'm getting very little back and won't be able to afford all that fun stuff that i wanted to get my hands on like a doula or to buy fencing for the garden i was going to plant. part of this first one, which is basically MONEY, is that sorting out the time i get to go on MAT leave is a bit of a headache. basically, the longer i wait the less money i'll get on a weekly basis because i'll get farther and farther away from my paychecks at the YMCA. also, because i didn't work for 6 weeks (and those 6 weeks count) the amount i'm eligible for is really low (and a lot lower than i was planning for). so enter frugality of a kind i haven't experienced in a while. at the end of the day if i take the gas i spend to get to work out of our budget we'll only be short $60 every two weeks for me, but that's a lot. and the lower tax return also means NOT being able to pay my debt of faster, which is just stressful, frustrating, and annoying. there's goes that goal for the year!

the other reason i'm stressed out re: baby is i'm actually starting to show a lot and if i don't plan out my outfits i actually don't look like i'm NOT getting fatter, i actually look super pregnant. since i'm only going to be at work until April 2nd (so i can get my shift bonus and the bonus of working the holiday) and i will probably tell them next week (with official notice etc) the cat will officially be out of the bag. which, well, you're probably wondering what the fuss is about? basically, the fuss is that i HATE making small conversation with coworkers in such a vast, fake environment. i also hate that look that people get on their face (like the look charlotte got when she found out miranda was pregnant and miranda just wanted to kill her!) when they find out you're pregnant. like you're doing them a favour just by procreating. and then they want to talk about babies. and ask you what being pregnant is like. and then they're more likely to touch your belly. etc. the loves at stew's work are amazing and super supportive and lovely and i enjoy talking about it with them, doing belly profiles, etc, but i'm not feeling the same way about the peeps at my work. it's just so invasive. (haha, as i'm bitching about it on my blog!!)

but whatever, everything always works out! now off to repaint my nails and get some zzzzzzs.


Melissa said...


melissa marion said...

thanks! I just changed it a few days ago. I wanted something totally different than what I've had in the past.